Hello, trans community. I'm a 20 yr. old male and I'm seeking for guidance here. Since I was young, I always felt something was wrong. When I was around 11 yrs. old, I used to watch bodyswap mtf videos (fiction) daily and was fascinated by the power of possession (which was why I was into ghosts). I never felt right with my male body, so I stumbled upon these videos after searching. I was so deep into it that I considered doing some witchcraft in order to transform into a female. I felt like my soul was in the wrong body, and this was before I even knew the lgbt community existed. This was going on for a yr. until I stopped and tried hard to be masculine to get these thoughts off my head. I told myself that heterosexuality is the natural process for human beings, and it was impossible to be otherwise unless I'm mentally ill. I told myself that it's impossible to be a woman, because at that time, I wasn't aware of trans people existing. It's not shocking to have this mindset because I come from a Muslim family. One time, I even tried on my mom's underwear so I can image myself as a woman. I felt more better, but not completely because of that "thing" down there. I knew for a fact that if I had a sister (I only have a brother) around my age, I would be drawn to her toys and clothes. I was never able to experience this at a very young age because my family are conservative. They were strictly against showing any signs of homosexuality. My parents felt discomfort when I tried to grow out my hair long because it was against Islam.
At that time, I was Muslim and was scared of going to hell, so I tried to believe that it was a phase. I love applying my mom's beauty products (face mask, moisturizer, etc.) and it takes me longer than an average guy to get ready. I hate hair anywhere on my body so I shave there. I really dislike male secondary characteristics the moment they appeared. I wanted to be called beautiful (nice legs, bum, hair, etc.) instead of handsome, and I envied that females received these compliments. I'm comfortable with my sexuality enough to feel flattered if any person (regardless of gender) complimented me. I guess most guys take it as in a sexual way and I was not like them. My mom always jokes that I should've been born a girl and I feel flattered by that compliment. Whenever I see beautiful girls, I envy their beautiful hair and curves. Something triggered me when I realized that transgender people exist, I felt relieved that it was possible to transition and that I was not the only one out there. I'm still exploring my sexuality, but I rarely look at women in a lustful way, guess you can say I have a very low sex drive. Most often, I hate looking at myself in the mirror because I see a "man". I always stare at women's pictures so I can visualize myself as them. When I touch myself in the shower, I close my eyes and imagine myself with curves.
In the future: As a man, I see myself living myself in misery, shunning dating/marriage (because of not feeling comfortable of someone making love with my male body), and ultimately suiciding in the end. As a woman, I see myself as an elegant woman with a partner who loves me for who I am, having kids (I'd love to experience pregnancy to know the true joy of motherhood, but I know it's not possible), and ultimately living a happy life.
I'm trying so hard to suppress these feelings, but I feel like I will suicide in the end in the future. I also am recovering from an eating disorder that I had for a yr. because I wanted to start HRT as soon as possible. I'm planning on moving in a different state after completing college, so I can live more like a woman (putting on makeup, dresses, etc.) alone. When I start transitioning, I won't live as a full time woman yet. I know 100% for sure that my mom would kick me out homeless, so I'd have to be in boy mode for a while before I move out. I know this is a long post, but thanks for reading my story. It feels good getting this off my chest.
P.S. I want to mention that I'm now an atheist and perhaps that's why I feel like I accept myself. I also live in Texas so I'm not aware of the price and procedure. I really want to start early and work myself up to be passable as a woman.
Hi Tomie, welcome to Susan's Place! Your experiences are familiar to many of us. I'm glad you've accepted yourself, it's one of the hardest parts of this journey. Get busy posting and I'll see you around the site!
Hugs, Devlyn
Hi Tomie, I'm a 40 y/o mtf in the UK. Your thoughts and feelings are not uncommon.
I'd suggest trying to find a gender therapist who can help you work through your feelings.
Some of the US members here might be best advising on specific steps, but hair removal (because it takes so long) is a good place to start, and gives you a charge to evaluate how you feel about those changes.
Good luck,
Megan. X
Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk
Hi Tomie 🙋♀️ Welcome to Susans! Self acceptance can be one of the hardest step that any of us make. We can be our own worst critic sometimes. It doesn't seem you have received a list of links to help you get acquainted with the site. I'll do that for you.
Hugs, Jessica 💁♀️
Things that you should read
Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html) | Standard Terms & Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html) | Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.) | Cautionary Note (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,82221.0.html) |
Reputation rules (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,18960.0.html) | News posting & quoting guidelines (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,174951.0.html) | Photo, avatars, & signature images policy (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,59974.msg383866.html#msg383866) | Membership Agreement (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,216851.0.html) |
Thank you for sharing your story. I'm glad that you have taken the next step to being you. There is definitely nothing wrong with being transgender. Don't suppress your feelings, embrace them. You'll never get to know who you are if you hide from them. Have fun with it. Try putting on makeup when your home by yourself. Feel free to experiment and see what you like. Get to know who you are, and then when your ready, share it with the world. :)
Tomie - lots of good advice already..
Definitely see a therapist. There is much to process and ensuring you have wise counsel to walk through it with you is critical.
Be well..
Tomie!!!! Yes, you share what many of us have been through finding ourselves. I like the others can totally relate to what you wrote. I grew up Mormon so I understand the conservative upbringing and being sheltered in life. So congrats on finding yourself. Feel free to ask anything on here and feel free to learn!!!!!
Hi Tomie :icon_wave:
Welcome to Susan's Place :) Glad to have you here, join on in the fun
Hugs
V M
Quote from: Devlyn Marie on December 25, 2017, 08:29:03 AM
Hi Tomie, welcome to Susan's Place! Your experiences are familiar to many of us. I'm glad you've accepted yourself, it's one of the hardest parts of this journey. Get busy posting and I'll see you around the site!
Hugs, Devlyn
Hello Devlyn. Thanks for accepting me in this community and I look forward getting along with you.
Hugs
Quote from: Megan. on December 25, 2017, 08:43:47 AM
Hi Tomie, I'm a 40 y/o mtf in the UK. Your thoughts and feelings are not uncommon.
I'd suggest trying to find a gender therapist who can help you work through your feelings.
Some of the US members here might be best advising on specific steps, but hair removal (because it takes so long) is a good place to start, and gives you a charge to evaluate how you feel about those changes.
Good luck,
Megan. X
Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk
Hello Megan. Luckily, I located a gender therapist around 15 mins. away, but the only concern I have is if they would put me through HRT or not. I don't want them to "cure" me by forcing me to accept myself as a "man" because I would fall into a huger depression than now. I'm also curious about the questions they would bring up.
To tell you the truth, I'm currently unemployed and don't know if medicaid would cover my payment for HRT. I'm planning on getting my medicaid soon. Though, I'm definitely planning on going for lazer hair removal, trachea shave, vaginoplasty, and FFS when I'm settled in life.
Quote from: Jessica on December 25, 2017, 09:07:03 AM
Hi Tomie 🙋♀️ Welcome to Susans! Self acceptance can be one of the hardest step that any of us make. We can be our own worst critic sometimes. It doesn't seem you have received a list of links to help you get acquainted with the site. I'll do that for you.
Hugs, Jessica 💁♀️
Things that you should read
Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html) | Standard Terms & Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html) | Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.) | Cautionary Note (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,82221.0.html) |
Reputation rules (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,18960.0.html) | News posting & quoting guidelines (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,174951.0.html) | Photo, avatars, & signature images policy (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,59974.msg383866.html#msg383866) | Membership Agreement (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,216851.0.html) |
Hello Jessica. Thanks for the links.
Quote from: Yakayla on December 25, 2017, 09:09:07 AM
Thank you for sharing your story. I'm glad that you have taken the next step to being you. There is definitely nothing wrong with being transgender. Don't suppress your feelings, embrace them. You'll never get to know who you are if you hide from them. Have fun with it. Try putting on makeup when your home by yourself. Feel free to experiment and see what you like. Get to know who you are, and then when your ready, share it with the world. :)
Hello Yakayla. After watching "I am Jazz", I finally accepted myself because this was the only way to not live a short life. I was making plans of suiciding in various ways in the future, but I felt relieved that I can change my dark fate by being who I truly am. I've always loved gothic fashion and can't wait to try on a beautiful gothic dress. I have tarot cards and there's one card that has a woman with a style that I'd love to replicate (long dark black hair, goth makeup, etc.). https://i.pinimg.com/736x/c3/45/04/c34504c6cc5ce29b4a40c3a81003f44b--the-empress-tarot-cards.jpg
I was always fascinated with female characters with succubus-like status. This was why I picked my username as Tomie. She is a character who always get chased by men who are crazy for her beauty (mind you, I'm not that arrogant). One of my favorite lines, "I've had many artists paint my portrait but not one of them could capture my beauty." https://mangatown.secure.footprint.net/store/manga/10057/009.0/compressed/htomie_1012076.jpg?token=99d31d56f75b8571024737a84208cdf1382e2cad&ttl=1514336400
Quote from: Kelly H on December 25, 2017, 10:12:27 AM
Tomie - lots of good advice already..
Definitely see a therapist. There is much to process and ensuring you have wise counsel to walk through it with you is critical.
Be well..
Hello Kelly. I look forward with making an appointment with a therapist soon. I don't know when that day will come (probably in 1-2 yrs.), but I'm glad that I'm going to transition at an early age.
Quote from: Jailyn on December 25, 2017, 11:21:11 AM
Tomie!!!! Yes, you share what many of us have been through finding ourselves. I like the others can totally relate to what you wrote. I grew up Mormon so I understand the conservative upbringing and being sheltered in life. So congrats on finding yourself. Feel free to ask anything on here and feel free to learn!!!!!
Hello Jailyn. After doing research about transgender people, I realize we had so many similarities. One about wishing for a magical fairy to transform them into a woman was the one that got me the most , haha. When I was young (as I just mentioned), I was willing to waste money to buy the materials needed to switch bodies with a girl permanently or transform into a girl (good thing I had no access to my parent's credit card because I would be wasting money). It's funny that I was into witchcraft for this particular reason. :angel:
Quote from: V M on December 25, 2017, 01:50:15 PM
Hi Tomie :icon_wave:
Welcome to Susan's Place :) Glad to have you here, join on in the fun
Hugs
V M
Hello V M. Thanks for accepting me in this community and I look forward to getting along with you.
Hugs
Welcome from a Blackpool girl. There are several Muslim girls on here, check the religion page
Quote from: Tomie on December 25, 2017, 07:09:24 PM
Hello Megan. Luckily, I located a gender therapist around 15 mins. away, but the only concern I have is if they would put me through HRT or not. I don't want them to "cure" me by forcing me to accept myself as a "man" because I would fall into a huger depression than now. I'm also curious about the questions they would bring up.
To tell you the truth, I'm currently unemployed and don't know if medicaid would cover my payment for HRT. I'm planning on getting my medicaid soon. Though, I'm definitely planning on going for lazer hair removal, trachea shave, vaginoplasty, and FFS when I'm settled in life.
Tomie,
No therapist can force you to do anything. They should be there to act as a mirror enabling you to answer your own questions. If they ever attempt to 'cure' you, I'd suggest leaving very quickly!
If you can find one who's worked with Trans* people before, that would be a good start. X
Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk
Quote from: Tomie on December 25, 2017, 08:00:18 PM
Hello Yakayla. After watching "I am Jazz", I finally accepted myself because this was the only way to not live a short life. I was making plans of suiciding in various ways in the future, but I felt relieved that I can change my dark fate by being who I truly am. I've always loved gothic fashion and can't wait to try on a beautiful gothic dress. I have tarot cards and there's one card that has a woman with a style that I'd love to replicate (long dark black hair, goth makeup, etc.). https://i.pinimg.com/736x/c3/45/04/c34504c6cc5ce29b4a40c3a81003f44b--the-empress-tarot-cards.jpg
I was always fascinated with female characters with succubus-like status. This was why I picked my username as Tomie. She is a character who always get chased by men who are crazy for her beauty (mind you, I'm not that arrogant). One of my favorite lines, "I've had many artists paint my portrait but not one of them could capture my beauty." https://mangatown.secure.footprint.net/store/manga/10057/009.0/compressed/htomie_1012076.jpg?token=99d31d56f75b8571024737a84208cdf1382e2cad&ttl=1514336400
I love it. Fun, flirty, sexy. What's not to like. My answer to a lot of questions is because i'm so beautiful. xD
Quote from: Megan. on December 26, 2017, 02:07:47 AM
Tomie,
No therapist can force you to do anything. They should be there to act as a mirror enabling you to answer your own questions. If they ever attempt to 'cure' you, I'd suggest leaving very quickly!
If you can find one who's worked with Trans* people before, that would be a good start. X
Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk
I filled out an intake form for online transition counseling from facebook. The therapist from "The transition channel" on youtube has interesting videos, so I thought I can start with her. Tbh, I think the only issue is the price. I got everything else sorted out except for the family issue.
Good luck. X
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