For months Ive had questioning if I am transgender.......I know my whole life I have not ever really had suppressed guy feelings. I know I have always been a tom boy and been more into nerdy stuff like anime, Disney, etc. I do like wearing sweaters and makeup...and I have never wished for a penis or no boobs. I have never wished to be renamed to something else except maybe a different name to find my name at a gift shop. These last few months have been so hard....Because up until these last few months.....I never felt depressed about my gender.....although I have asked my parents if its weird that I am not as girly as my sister....other than that.......as far as I know I have not asked or wanted to be a guy....I have felt comfortable in my own skin.....but now all my brain thinks is I am "a guy" and not a girl....I mean yeah I have felt self conscious about my body but that has been through looks etc. Not that its a girls body.....My question is......how did any FTM know they were or are guys? If you would like to share! <3
If people hate me for asking.....I am sorry.. :(
If anyone hates me for asking I am sorry.... :(
Hey, there is nothing wrong in asking whatsoever!
I have to admit as a MtF I knew from an early age but I also know everyone is different
I don't think anybody can know 100%. When you look down and see a body that doesn't match what you feel, it introduces doubt. When I decided on treatment I determined that I felt the doubt was much less than the feeling I was a woman so treatment was my only option. If you decide on treatment, it will not be because you are 100% sure but because your doubt is small.
I haven't got a clue if I'm Transgender or not. I suffered for many years with the symptoms often labelled as Gender Dysphoria. After changing gender roles and living full-time, this has very largely resolved my Dysphoria. My HRT has made great positive mental changes to me.
I was assigned male at birth, and now live full-time as a woman. If this makes me Transgender by some people's definitions, then I am, but that's just a label; do what you need to to feel right and happy in yourself, try not to label it. X
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I was a nervous wreck during my first appointment when I asked to start HRT. At my follow-up four months later I smiled through the entire appointment. I was calm and happy to be there. My happiness was contagious, as my doctor began smiling as soon as she entered the room. I think we both knew then that this is the right path for me.
I knew when I realized that 1/2 of the population mad me: jealous, envious, mad, pissed off. Why them and not me?
I've been Denise for 10 months and I haven't looked back. I look forward to each day and being able to walk down the street not "wishing" as I pass any woman. Do I miss my old self? No, well maybe the slightest bit when I'm standing in line in the ladies room. :)
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The only things in life that you can be 100% sure of are death and taxes.
I was more than 90% sure when I started this journey a couple of years ago. Starting RLE, I was about 98% sure. The convincer was my first experiences living as a woman. I was so calm, so happy, I felt so right that I knew this was the right path.
You can only be 100% sure of anything when you look back at the past. The future (other than said death and taxes) is always less than 100%. So create some past for yourself to look back at. Get out there as the person you know yourself to be, just for a while, and see how it feels.
My most convincing experience was half a day that I spent in the city (where no one knew me) waiting for an appointment. I was dressed as Kathy, and I spent the time wandering around the city centre, window shopping, talking to clerks, enjoying an espresso in a coffee shop. I had been to a safe nightclub the night before with some of my trans friends. It was all wonderful! I felt free and alive. No one gave me any hassles, no one stared. I even talked to a store clerk about being trans: my dead name had come up on the screen when I used my card, so I made a joke about how I guess it was time to update my information. It was all good.
I went back to playing male for a few more weeks after that, but it gave me something to look back at and be 100% sure that this was the right path for me.
I think the only thing we know for sure is what we need to do at any given time, to enable us to not hurt. To not feel awkward and uncomfortable. And that's different for different people. Steps we can take to make life bearable, and maybe even enjoyable. I'm not so sure it's based as much on knowledge, as it is on intimate feelings about oneself. A kind of self awareness that is somewhat removed from what someone "knows".
For some people that is a rock solid, unshakable, unquestioning belief in who they are. Something which doesn't change and only strengthens as time goes on. For others that is a fluidity which may change on a daily, weekly or monthly basis. As I say, it's different for different people. No less genuine, and no less demanding of attention or action. But I have heard from a lot of people, and 99% of what they say begins with "I feel like", not "I know...". I don't think we can ever truly know. But we can, and do, feel. It's the main way for our inner selves to communicate with our outer selves. And in a lot of ways is more important than knowledge.
I would say go with your feelings, and your intuition. The language of the subconscious.
I don't know if im sure im still scared. But so far I'm liking the changes! Just knowing my body is becoming more feminine gives me relief. Knowing that hrt is what I'm doing to help myself in this life feels like a huge weight's been lifted..
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I havent always known %100 i mean ive known 100% that something was wrong i wasnt like the average male, but i dont exactly fit the typical trans path fom as a kid, its just theres this inner nagging voice, telling me i should have been born female, why arent you a woman? should i transition? this voice has always been there, but i have always ignored it, its always been more about Social expectations that come with being a guy for me more than body disphoria, i just HATE the idea of being a man... OMG
Although recently ive had some experience with MTF subliminals there are ones that lower T and raise E etc, or the MTF ones, havent noticed too much change, except for the sensation ie touch, feeling, its like a euphoric calm that ive never felt before really.... and i had no idea just how awkward i felt in my own skin, i love how it makes me feel and next year i think may have decided to start transitioning, ive found a gender therapist/sexologist nearby that im going to start seeing in the new year, not only for that but other things as well
I know because I have a history of 3+ decades of problems with being referred to as female (never could bring myself to accept it), problems using female anatomy and dissociating from a female body, problems relating personally to females, problems when others expect female behavior, appearance and habits from me and don't get them, etc.
When I take male hormones, am referred to as male, start looking more male through HRT and surgery etc. and these problems suddenly seem to resolve themselves completely and I feel good and at peace, I think it's safe to say it was the right "guess".
All there is to go on is whether or not something feels bad or good, and perhaps even more importantly, for how long.
Every day of my life since as long as I can remember I have thought about being a woman and when I wasn't actively thinking about being one, it was bubbling away in the background. I also wasn't sure until I started to look at my life in the context of being trans...all my major life decisions were driven by my search for some kind of answer. I didn't always know it but upon reflection I can see it easily now...the one thing that really sticks out as obvious(now), is that cis males don't usually even think about their gender where as I could not stop thinking about it...ever.....I still would not believe it until I saw a therapist...she guided me to arrive at the "diagnosis" myself which in reality was me learning to finally accept that I was Transsexual and always have been....there is no certain criteria but I found myself looking for it, kind of like a check list...
BJ, I'm sort of the mirror of your situation. I've been pondering the same question, only I was born male. I started really exploring all of this about two months ago, and it has been hard. When I first decided to face this, I felt scared, and confused, and sort of like something might be wrong with me. But over time, I've been able to calm a lot of my fears and learn to feel a bit better about myself.
There are two things that helped me out, so I'll share them with you in case they might help as well. First was understanding that being transgender does not necessarily mean being transsexual - i.e. actually transitioning. We as a society like to treat gender as a binary thing, but if you think of it more as a sliding scale between male and female, things become easier to grasp. Just because you're a tomboy doesn't mean you want to be male. Maybe you just don't like the typical female archetype. And that's fine. Maybe you were born female, but you just have a more masculine personality. Also fine. Maybe he just like male clothes and activities more. And that is fine too. Or maybe you were born female and what you need is to transition. All of these are fine, and all of these are 'transgender'. If you think of it more as a scale like this, it makes everything a little less scary to explore. You're not trying to find out if you want to become male - you're just trying to figure out how uncomfortable you are with being female and/or how comfortable you are being male. Not everyone who is transgender necessarily needs or wants to transition, either. So don't feel like you have to. Do what's right for you.
Secondly, if you can, try and find a gender therapist. This honestly has helped me so much. They will give you a safe place to talk about all of these feelings and thoughts and allow you a chance to talk to someone who has some idea what you might be going through. They're not going to tell you what you are, but they'll ask the probing questions that help you figure it out.
Honestly, I still don't know what the heck I am or how I want to identify. It still troubles me sometimes, and I still doubt myself both as a male and a female alot. But I feel alot better about myself because of these two things. So... hopefully they help you too.
I don't know about FTM, but as a MTF my indication came when I was very young I realized I always related to the female actresses in movies. I can't really remember ever putting myself in the shoes of a male actor. When ever I would look in the mirror I always felt like a stranger was looking back. These are just a few things I don't know if it will help or not but I hope you figure things out.
ScarletRed
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I knew from start that I'm a guy. I put up a fight as a toddler when mom tried to put cute girly cloths on me.
But it took me 40 years to admit to myself that I am a guy. It was so simple until puberty. Chest started growing and it ruined my self image completely and crumbled my self confidence.
Tried to dress girly but felt like a crossdresser not doing a good job.
Tony
I've found reading all of your comments very helpful and insightful. I don't think that I really accepted that I was transgender until I was divorced and living alone in a new city and actually had time to process my feelings.
That was eleven years ago and I've made a lot of personal progress to become who I truly am. Prior to that my feminine personality was always there but I was masterful in repressing them by making "macho" life decisions and career choices. I believe that for many of us life has a way of interfering with who we truly are.
I am sorry if I have offended anyone......it just has been frustrating for me because before my mind decided to ask the question if I am transgender.......I was very comfortable with who I was.....I had no issues being female...but now its like my mind will not let it go despite not ever wanting to be represented as male....yes I am a tomboy....and I have grown use to that......but I still would enjoy going shopping for clothes etc. I do love nerdy things like anime, video games, etc. But I still like dressing up girly for dates....The things I have felt self conscious are my boob size, acne when I had it, my weight....etc.
I'm not sure it's necessary to decide whether you are "really" trans.
The relevant question is: what makes you most comfortable? What do you feel like doing? How do you feel like presenting? Do you feel more "you" if you say you're male? Female? Some mix of the two? Or maybe somewhere in between?
And it's not a single choice. It's mix-and-match from a very long list of choices. There are AFAB people who feel like they're really male, but like pretty skirts and make-up. There are people who feel like presenting male one day and female the next ("gender fluid".) Prom dresses and beards. You name it, there are people out there rocking it. If you would be happiest as a woman with no breasts or otherwise looking more androgynous, go for it.
There's no logic or thinking or argument or test to resolve if you're "really" trans, or what kind of trans. The only real "proof" is if you transition to whatever you think will feel best in whatever way you think best, and you feel happier and more at home in your skin.
P.S.: if anyone is offended by your question, IMHO they should just get over themselves. (I have a somewhat earthier image in mind, but I don't think it would be allowed here :) )
I always thought I was a cross dresser and by definition of others a pervert. So I kept it private. What convinced me that I was more than a cross dresser was when I learned I had purposely let my first marriage to the love of my life collapse. Then I learned it was determined in utero that I would be having confusion as my body was created male and my brain developed under the influence of massive doses of female hormones. Lastly once I found this website and realized I was not alone after all. It's made all the difference in the world. I'm still not comfortable presenting in public except at my support group meetings and therapy visits, but I am getting more comfortable all the time. If I lived downtown, I would probably present more often, but alas I live in the burbs where tolerance is not as strong.
Its just been so stressful because I just feel more confused now.......I have never felt bad about being female....ever......and now all my mind is thinking is I want to be or am trans....which I know would never be a bad thing......but now IDK if my OCD is getting to me or what....
Quote from: BJ0909 on January 05, 2018, 01:36:13 PM
Its just been so stressful because I just feel more confused now.......I have never felt bad about being female....ever......and now all my mind is thinking is I want to be or am trans....which I know would never be a bad thing......but now IDK if my OCD is getting to me or what....
It sounds like the anxiety about whether you're trans is the issue, not being trans (or not)
If you have been diagnosed with OCD, then I hope you are seeing a psychotherapist (in addition to any meds.) Your therapist is the person best in the position to help you with your anxiety.
And if you're not seeing one, perhaps it would be a good idea to start. It doesn't mean you're trans, or crazy, simply that you have something in your head that is bothering you and you can't deal with, so you find someone who is in a position to help.
Doubt and Questioning are a well established norms of human behavior. Some
work within that constraint better than others.
People and standards vary quite a bit. Evaluation standards vary too.
Some examples:
1. We use the beyond reasonable doubt standard in the US Criminal Justice System.
It is not required to eliminate all doubt to convict.
2. Civil cases need only have the preponderance of the evidence-- say 51%.
For me that is not quite comforting.
3. In defining mental illness the standard was based upon where the traits
and behaviors created dysfunction that deviated from a fiction of normality.
It is possible to call that the "Can we correct and stay within perceived normality
standard?"
4. In statistical analysis we get to define the degree of certainty we chose to
a number of standard deviations. Plus or minus three standard deviations should
include 99.7% of observations if a population is normally distributed. That presumes
we have quantitative data to work with and feelings and self identity are hard to fit
into that model. We still do not have to have complete certainty though.
Not a one of those has and absolute all the way and complete certainty requirement.
Maybe it is a function of when one chooses to round up to get to certainty. For some
3/4 is close enough to 1. Others want 99/100. We all get to live with the results of
our decisions and thus get to choose where we put the risk.
I know who and what I am based upon the evidence that I can obtain and process to
a degree that is well beyond reasonable doubt. But that does mean that there is still
not room to think of alternative solutions.
We are not required to know anything absolutely to live a healthy life. We need
only know that the alternatives are worse or less desirable, or less certain to be
worthwhile. "Certain Enough," may be all we can know.
That said, humans have been observed to partake in a lot of second guessing
themselves. In marketing we often had data pointing out those shopping and
comparing the most were those who had just purchased. They were trying to
make sure.
Humans have also been observed partaking in many affirming behaviors to assure
them the behavior path is right enough.
I don't 100% know, but I'm at about 80%.
I look at pictures of men and think "I want to be that". I see how men are treated in media, in real life, and I think "I want to be treated like that". I see the way men stand and walk and speak and think "I want to be like that". (Well, more "I do that already, I wish people wouldn't think it's funny!") I see male facial structure, musculature, and I think "I want to look like that". I don't experience acute body dysphoria, and I don't hate my birth junk, and sometimes I quite enjoy putting it to use with the right partner, but my chest is "bizarrely" devoid of sensitivity, and being treated like a woman in bed has always been kind of a turnoff. I think I dissociate a bit when I look at pictures of women, and something about looking at porn with vaginal penetration or seeing images of vaginas has always made me really, really uncomfortable.
Who am I at the end of the day? Well, I'm me. Where I go from here has nothing to do with being "100% sure" of anything; life is a gamble. Realizing that transition is a series of small decisions helped. If you think you're a guy, start with mental exercises. Body language. Try a binder on and see if you like what you see in the mirror. Start doing upper body exercises or practice lowering your voice. It's not all or nothing, RIGHT NOW. Transition is one day at a time.
I know I am more masculine compared to my sister....but growing up and up until this started.......I have not wanted to be seen as a guy....
I knew 100% pretty much straight away when it occurred to me I might be trans. A bit of reasearch showed it's a spectrum and these thoughts are not cis normal. I was sure I'm at least a little bit trans.
The next big step was starting hrt. That felt far too good. Then I tried stopping, and found I couldn't. Haven't got to the social transition part yet, but I'm definitely 100% on the trans spectrum.
And I am also dealing with a guy who I may or may not have feelings for......but he and I arent talking right now......and IDK why but I just end up crying from it.....He ices me out and I just end up feeling really sad or crappy..
Ok I guess I shouldnt havent said anything..
Quote from: BJ0909 on December 25, 2017, 11:15:30 PM
For months Ive had questioning if I am transgender.......I know my whole life I have not ever really had suppressed guy feelings. I know I have always been a tom boy and been more into nerdy stuff like anime, Disney, etc. I do like wearing sweaters and makeup...and I have never wished for a penis or no boobs. I have never wished to be renamed to something else except maybe a different name to find my name at a gift shop. These last few months have been so hard....Because up until these last few months.....I never felt depressed about my gender.....although I have asked my parents if its weird that I am not as girly as my sister....other than that.......as far as I know I have not asked or wanted to be a guy....I have felt comfortable in my own skin.....but now all my brain thinks is I am "a guy" and not a girl....I mean yeah I have felt self conscious about my body but that has been through looks etc. Not that its a girls body.....My question is......how did any FTM know they were or are guys? If you would like to share! <3
If people hate me for asking.....I am sorry.. :(
I found out many years ago, but was 100 % sure in 2013-2014. I personally only liked Disney and Anime when i was a child (nothing wrong with someone liking it in adultage).
Quote from: BJ0909 on January 08, 2018, 11:23:46 PM
Ok I guess I shouldnt havent said anything..
Why do you feel that way? That's what places like this are for.
If you have second thoughts, doubt, wait. There is no rush. There is no deadline you need to keep. Take a step back and feel yourself.
I knew I was a boy when I first became self consious. About age 3. Mom tried to put cute girly cloths on me and I put up a fight and screamed until she took it off.
I started to have doubts in my teens when my body developed wrong. To a woman's body. I had never heared of transgender. I came out as bisexual. Most people thought I was gay. I dressed like a guy.
When I was about 30 I found out I am transgender. I found people like me on internet. I had a life crisis and ended up with psychosis and suicidal behavior. I could not find a way to be myself. I had two kids and a husband. A perfect life. And I was about to ruin it.
It took me 10 more years to become sure about who I really am. I am a guy. I have finally told my husband and he took it well. I am on the waiting list to gender therapy. I am finally on my way.
I am 100% sure. I have always been a guy. My psychiatrist since 15 years back once asked me if I have checked my T levels, that maybe I'm intersex. I behave male and move like a male. My psychiatrist said she has always seen me as male.
This is my story. Your story is different. And that is right too. You are you no matter if you feel a need to change or not.
Relaxe. There is no rush.
Tony
I guess it's down to how we feel inside, what we can relate to and the FEAR of transition.
Personally, I'm still not sure 100% but I know when I imagine myself as completely female I am at peace. Then reality kicks in and I get depressed. The thing is, I don't want to be Trans. I want to be female because I strongly suspect that my brain/thought processes are female. I really don't like or feel comfortable being addressed as male. Every time it happens it feels wrong. I don't fit in the male 'box' at all. I interact with women much better and easier than with men. I struggle relating to men and feel awkward.
Sometimes when I'm watching a music video I will just 'lock in' and mentally become the main female character and it's the best feeling in the world. It's difficult to describe but it's me up there and not the artist. It's a very weird feeling. All the dysphoria melts away. A few videos that do it for me are: Annie Lennox: little bird & walking on broken glass, Cher's Shoop Shoop Song and Britney's Overprotected. There are many more but you get the idea.
Then denial kicks in and my mind tells me I can't possibly become a woman and stop being stupid it's a mental problem or I have other problems and they are manifesting themselves this way etc etc, but if I try to shut it out of my mind now I can feel my female self screaming 'don't let me go... it's taken me 43 years to get this far out and I'm not being shut back in'. I'll be honest though, the thought of transition scares the sh*t out of me. The thought of becoming a woman is the only thing keeping me going at the moment as I don't think I could live the next decade as a man.
I hope this gives you a flavour of my situation and although I'm not 100% sure I'm trans, I'm 100% sure I don't want to live as a man for any longer than I absolutely have to.
Quote from: VickyS on January 14, 2018, 03:49:00 PM
Then denial kicks in and my mind tells me I can't possibly become a woman and stop being stupid it's a mental problem or I have other problems and they are manifesting themselves this way etc etc, but if I try to shut it out of my mind now I can feel my female self screaming 'don't let me go... it's taken me 43 years to get this far out and I'm not being shut back in'. I'll be honest though, the thought of transition scares the sh*t out of me. The thought of becoming a woman is the only thing keeping me going at the moment as I don't think I could live the next decade as a man.
The concept of "becoming" a woman may be adding unfairly to your fears. If you are indeed trans, and it sounds to me like you are, then you already are a woman and always have been. Listen to that female self. That's the real you.
Can you put some details on the fear? Rather than calling it a fear OF something (transition), express it as a fear THAT something
specific might happen. What specific event(s) is/are causing the fear. Once you put a face to it, it becomes less of a monster under the bed and more of something that you can take measures against.
Quote from: KathyLauren on January 14, 2018, 04:59:20 PM
The concept of "becoming" a woman may be adding unfairly to your fears. If you are indeed trans, and it sounds to me like you are, then you already are a woman and always have been. Listen to that female self. That's the real you.
Can you put some details on the fear? Rather than calling it a fear OF something (transition), express it as a fear THAT something specific might happen. What specific event(s) is/are causing the fear. Once you put a face to it, it becomes less of a monster under the bed and more of something that you can take measures against.
You are absolutely right. I was in a dark place yesterday and did not word that correctly. What I should have said was becoming a woman physically as in alter my body to match my mind. It seems I am only truly happy when I DO listen to that female self. The male self seems to be just a construct that I have created to protect myself from ridicule and disapproval. I know I do have a female mind, there is just too much evidence pointing to that fact. It's just really difficult to try to undo 43 years of male conditioning and be free.
Details on the fear. Ok, it's fear of ridicule, being laughed at, people talking about me behind my back and becoming a figure of fun. Being disowned by my father and him expressing extreme disgust and disappointment. The way I feel at the moment, if we lived in a society where no-one cared how we looked and what gender we were, all those fears would melt away and I would transition in a heart-beat (well it's not that easy but you get the idea).
Thank you for asking those questions, they have helped me realise most of the conflict I have is just fear of what others think of me. I hope this helps some others too. :)