This may be a longish note so I will apologize at the outset. ::)
It has been several weeks since I have been able to actually spend time on Susans, much to my disappointment. I have been distracted by things like work, hobbies, work, sleep, work. You get the gist.
So today I got to take off for a 4 day weekend and I have been so looking forward to it so that Briah could come out and play. But I have also been thinking about a number of things. I guess they can be summed up as gender dysphoria and body dysmorphia; style and beauty; and that damn thing called age.
I have never hated being male. Even when I thought about it there was no conscious though about how bad being male was. My thoughts have always gone in the direction of "I want to be female". I think that started when I was about 9 or 10 but at almost 67 my memory of that time is often riven with holes. I do remember trying on my mothers clothes, especially underwear, but I have always loved wearing a skirt or a dress. It has just been a bit time limited. What did begin to stand out in my retrospective was that I engaged in a level of self harm from an early age on and it was almost all directed at my male genitals and my nipples. Burning was the most common but also impact. That morphed into some low level BDSM play but that was the same dynamic as I look back on it today. And in every bit of my porn activity I view me as female and usually bottom although as a switch I do sometimes see myself with a sub female. And yes it is always female/female. I have had dreams of waking up without my male genitals. I have had fantasies of an accident causing the amputation of my genitals and always the surgery to give me a vagina. Those fantasies were at times blatant wishes. This continues to this day.
The other side of this is something that I either missed or people have not talked much about it is body dysmorphia. Ok, as I have aged and put on some weight . . . Yes, yes, we all know about that part. I am talking about I have the wrong body--not just genitals. I am 6 feet tall (well with neck surgery I lost a 1/4 inch) and right at 200 pounds--ok with the holidays maybe just a bit more. I have a bit of a belly (I like to think it is age and slowing down but it is most likely from liking food) Both knees are bad with arthritis and are candidates for replacement (still procrastinating on that one). My hip isn't right due to a horse accident. My neck and shoulders are a mess from being assaulted by a young client and another horse accident. In short my body is a wreck but I keep going with young clients, horses, cutting firewood, and all the other actives that I like. >:-) My mind usually feels like it is in the late 30's (that is age not date Please!) And I am attracted to women of all ages. Now, here is the thing. My internal view of my body is that I am about 5'4" or maybe a little more and small bodied. I am fully aware of the difference and that I will never achieve my internal image (even with a really good plastic surgeon). But it is there and it effects some of my thinking in style as well.
Beauty and style are interesting things. Allure has been doing a series of articles on both and have some interesting videos that they have done also. They are challenging standard (what ever that is) ideas of beauty.
First off, there is definitely a continuum of beauty and it goes beyond just what is socially driven. I know that my view of beauty includes large bodies, small bodies, all races, all facial structures, different hair, and etc. Yet when I look at myself I am of course hyper critical (I am not 5'4" for one thing). Several other folks here at Susan's have talked about Faceapp and I tried it. Wow. A few minor changes and I don't look too bad. But I am still 67 and while I am often told that I look 20 years or more younger (I'm not so sure about that) and I don't come out looking like that small bodied beauty that I see inside.
Now style is something completely different. Have no doubt, I am a product of the '60's and as for style probably the '50's as well. I love bellbottoms. Denim skirts are awesome especially with a little embroidery thrown in. Peasant shirts are great. I am girly enough that I love some lace too boot. Long hair is a must (it is getting there). I think that a poodle skirt would be a kick. And yes, I would even wear flowers in my hair. I love loose light skirts and tops. I like the denim jumper. Yes, I am pretty informal most of the time and also practical enough to realize that when cutting firewood, welding, climbing on a roof for repairs, a skirt or dress is not the most practical. Then jeans are the order of the day, or maybe overalls as long as they have some kind of bling to them.
Ah, but what about those more formal occasions? I like the tweeds for winter and something light for summer. I love some of the dresses on the front of Glamor although I realize that they are not usually meant to be worn for real. But a girl can dream, can't she. I always liked basic black long dresses. I like long sleeves and high necks. Maybe that is subconsciously trying to deal with an Adams apple. I would really love to be able to wear an ao dai. I love the silk on the body and I really love the ones that are a solid color with the hand painted design that starts at the hem and comes up to the bust. That will start me drooling.
But some of you younger ladies may ask what about a short sexy skirt or dress. Well, that might be fun but remember that I am old and too big. Still . . . . .
I mentioned work in the beginning (told you that this would be long). I am a psychotherapist by inclination and training and a social worker for the state foster care system for benefits. I am currently doing some therapy over Skype but am going to be expanding to do therapy for trauma with sand play and other modalities and will probably begin assisting with gender issues. I also like making mixed media jewelry and woodworking.
Which brings me to age. I am getting a bit older even if I feel inside like I am much younger. My body belies that. I have been married for all these 38 years. My spouse will support cross dressing but is not ok with a full transition. Where does that leave me? When the situation permits Briah comes out to play, sometimes with my wife. I am going slowly and perhaps somewhere along the line we will do a transition with HRT. Maybe one day GRS will be an option. In the meantime I rejoice in who I am. I know I am not who I was in my 20's when I was depressed and drinking too much. Nor am I the person I was in my 30's where I explored different jobs and worked at the South Pole. I am not the person I was in my 40's punching holes in the ocean on a submarine. When my daughters arrived they made sure that I was not ever the same again. So here I am at 67 and as I sit here in nice undies, skirt, and sweat shirt I realize that in many ways I am as happy as I have been.
Nice read, Briah. :)
Hugs, Devlyn