Happy new year everyone. Every new year people make all kinds of resolutions. Weight loss, being more organized, etc. One new year resolution all trans people need to make is to stop settling for things. As transpeople we tend to settle for what we can get. Society tells us we are defective and we should take whatever we can get and be thankful for it. I don't think so!
The first issue is acceptance. So many of us settle for just not overly hostile treatment from CIS people. Family is the first issue. So many of us tolerate begrudging acceptance or even non acceptance from family. I've learned the hard way that keeping toxic family members in your life doesn't work. My mother is a very toxic person. I've tried many times to have a relationship with her. I felt like I had to just because she's my mother. But I have ended up cutting her out of my life. Being around toxic people is incredibly stressful and damaging. You're not obligated to keep people in your life who are toxic just because they are family. It took a while for me to learn that. I know it's easier to talk about cutting family out of our lives than actually doing it. Everyone wants love and acceptance from their family but if all they are getting is non acceptance and abuse from family members then why keep them in your life? I know cutting ties with family can be extremely painful but isn't it just as painful to endure their non acceptance? So why keep doing it?
Then there is the issue of a SO. This applies mostly to hetero transwomen because we have the most trouble finding guys who will accept us. Because of that many transwomen will settle for any guy who shows any interest in her. We will put up with treatment any CIS woman would never put up with because they feel like they should be grateful for any attention a guy gives them. Many transwomen settle for being a dirty secret. A guy wants kinky sex with a transwoman but doesn't want anyone to know he is hooking up with a trans girl. He doesn't ever take her anyplace because he doesn't want to be seen with her and deny any involvement with her should anyone suspect. Some trans women put up with it because they think that's the only kind of relationship they can get and should be grateful for any male inteterest they can get. WRONG! We don't deserve being treated like that anymore than any woman. I know people get lonely but is being treated like a freaky dirty secret any less painful than being lonely?
And some trans people are willing to accept people in general treating them without respect as long as they aren't too mean. Some CIS people have the attitude of : " you're a freak but I'll tolerate you and maybe even throw you a bone once in a while and use the correct gender marker with you". Screw that! If it's coworkers treating you like that report them. If it's a Dr, hairstylist, pharmacy, etc, then change it. We sometimes forget that those establishments work for us. If you aren't being treated with respect take your business somewhere else. Why give people who don't give you appropriate respect your business?
That's what I meant by settling. Way too often we are made to believe we are freaks and deviants and should be grateful we are allowed to exist at all. F that! We deserve to be respected as much as any person does and we deserve to be loved by someone who will be happy to be with us and proud to be seen with us.
Trans people are not freaks, deviants, crazy, sick or immoral. So don't let people treat you that way or make you feel that way. Don't settle for being treated without respect and dignity you deserve by anyone.
I can only agree Julia. This has always been my stance and certainly won't be changing! X
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Julia, I agree with you. What you suggest would not be easy for most people, but we are not most people. When we come out we take a gamble that could potentially cost us everything we hold dear, very few people have the courage to do this. I realize there are those who believe that coming out is simply an act of survival, which is true for some, but to me it is also an act of courage.
We are not defective. Maybe we exist to help others understand the world is not binary, or maybe to help them learn to accept people they don't understand. We are all humans, and we all deserve the same level of respect. We do need to stand up for ourselves. If we don't, who will?
very great points!! Last year I cut out a couple toxic friends from my life and it felt great! I'm not out to my family yet but I have a feeling I'm going to have to cut out my dad this year. I'm hoping for the best but I've had to cut him out before back when my parent got divorced, so I know I can do it but I'm really hoping that I won't have to, ugh.
as for the relationships, I've never been with anyone, and while I'm lonely I'm still ok and I don't think I'm going to settle for anyone who treats me bad!
Preach it sister! [emoji1380]
- Christyn
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Quote from: Maddie86 on January 01, 2018, 09:57:18 AM
very great points!! Last year I cut out a couple toxic friends from my life and it felt great! I'm not out to my family yet but I have a feeling I'm going to have to cut out my dad this year. I'm hoping for the best but I've had to cut him out before back when my parent got divorced, so I know I can do it but I'm really hoping that I won't have to, ugh.
as for the relationships, I've never been with anyone, and while I'm lonely I'm still ok and I don't think I'm going to settle for anyone who treats me bad!
Some guys can be real dicks. I am very lucky to have Tristan but there were a couple of ->-bleeped-<-s before him. One guy in particular. I told him I was trans and he said " oh. Well it might kind of interesting to try a trans girl. I would be willing to hookup with you" I can't even print what I said to him here but his attitude was what I am talking about. Trans people aren't a kfc sampler to "try". And the "willing" part. Like he was going to be a big favor by hooking up with me! ->-bleeped-<-! But some guys think they're doing us a big favor by "trying" us. Get hosed!
Julia, I love this post. Everything you wrote about was about us being affected by how others treat us. I would like to add that if other people shouldn't treat us with hate, disrespect, or nonacceptance, then we shouldn't allow us to do that to ourselves either. Sometimes that is even harder to get rid of, the self hate.
Moni
Wow, very well thought out and written, I'm totally awestruck.
From my point of view, having a non-accepting spouse is more problematic than finding someone that accepts us. In the digital age, there are tools for finding like people and others who accept us. Changing someone's heart is something that's very hard to do and maybe not right. The change has to come from them.
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Julia. Like I've said before. You are wise beyond your years. Happy New Year. Let's make 2018 a breakthrough year. Ignorance is bliss, they say. Let's educate 'em. You are a great roll model for others. Even for old farts like me. Thank you.
Julia, I 100% agree and will try to live up to that this year.
Thanks for your post Julia. These resolutions are things that I have struggled with every day and is why I still feel shame. I'll add these to my resolution list, even if getting through one this year, I'll be better for it.
Bari Jo
Thanks a lot for this strong message! This is so true from the core. And i feel as of you found the words for a mixture of anger and anxiety inside me, that i never had been able to name, now i can.
You know, til right now I've been visiting this place a long time, everytime considering registering and every time thinking "nahh.., too soon". But when i read your text, i just HAD to answer, and to do so, join here. Am already sure it was the best choice i could have started this year with.
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You go girl! This is a great post and may ever new years be even even better :)
Julia wise and well written statement I have sent a final message to the last of my former siblings a quote from MLK "In the end,we will remember not the words of our enemies ,but the silence of our friends." this is to the one so called sister who claimed to be supportive but sat back while the other screwed me over and laughed about it. No more I am reconnecting with family who are supportive and cutting the rest loose
bobbisue :)
Guys might forget I was one too lol I try to think about empowring myself as a challenge.. I've had a guy or two leave my hotel room without getting sex. I know that sounds slutty but there are guys out there that want companionship as desperatley or more so than a trans girl.
Us trans folks are far more accomplished and goal driven than we even know. I thought I was focused and a hardworker before transitioning.. now I'm pretty sure I was wrong.
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Great Post Julia resonated with me, as have what other members have said
Just because im trans doesnt mean im going to whore myself out every night, i think as someone who watches a plethora of TV shows/movies, this has a big part of what society thinks about us, its still show as like how people would think about trans women from the 80s the mindset of that is still how TV sometimes looks at Trans woman, and that may have been how trans woman fit in with life back then, but now in 2018 we are more accepting of the L and the G and even the B so why not get more acceptance to do with the T part of LGBT, Trans woman shouldnt have to feel like i have felt most of my life
And yeah i sort of have already cut out alot of people in my life, which was more to do with depression but i dont really have alot of people in my life to tell right now which kind of feels good, i know 1 person will still love me no matter what, but the other person i dont really care what she thinks about it she is kind of toxic
im lonely and alone but most of the time thats ok i can deal with it, rather that then settle, i still want my knight in shining armor........
Quote from: Nbj on January 01, 2018, 11:47:11 AM
Thanks a lot for this strong message! This is so true from the core. And i feel as of you found the words for a mixture of anger and anxiety inside me, that i never had been able to name, now i can.
You know, til right now I've been visiting this place a long time, everytime considering registering and every time thinking "nahh.., too soon". But when i read your text, i just HAD to answer, and to do so, join here. Am already sure it was the best choice i could have started this year with.
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Nbj,
Welcome, glad you are here. We have been waiting for you (and a few other watchers) to join in. Looking forward to you sharing when you feel it.
Moni
Wish it was so cut and dry (most of the time it is), but what you've written is always a good reminder.
As they say... secure your own oxygen mask first. Otherwise you're no good to anybody, leas of all yourself.
The toxicity is why I kicked my adoptive family and my ex out of my life. Nobody needs anybody dragging them down.
My husband is learning that lesson with his family. We spent the weekend in El Paso visiting his sister and her family. The whole trip was a disaster. It wasn't because of me. It was because his family shows no love towards him.
Trans people are far from the only ones with family or relationship problems. But; from experience, we tend to get the brunt of it if we fail to recognize our own importance, and learn to love ourselves.
Nbj,
Welcome to Susan's, I'm sure a mod will be along shortly to present the welcome pack of links and other really useful information, in the mean time, come on in, pull up a chair, have a cuppa and when you're ready, tell us a little about yourself in the introductions forum.
Welcome again
Rowan
Great post Julia!
Rowan
Quote from: Sno on January 02, 2018, 04:16:22 AM
Nbj,
Welcome to Susan's, I'm sure a mod will be along shortly to present the welcome pack of links and other really useful information, in the mean time, come on in, pull up a chair, have a cuppa and when you're ready, tell us a little about yourself in the introductions forum.
Welcome again
Rowan
Hi Rowan!
Thanks your your welcoming words. I already was looking for the introduction forum, but couldn't find it (am on mobile, maybe that's why) could you/somebody please leave me a link, so that i can say hi to everyone?
Thanks again
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Hello NBJ, welcome to Susan's!
Quote from: Nbj on January 01, 2018, 11:47:11 AM
> You know, til right now I've been visiting this place a long time, everytime considering registering and every time thinking "nahh.., too soon". But when i read your text, i just HAD to answer, and to do so, join here. Am already sure it was the best choice i could have started this year with.
I agree. ;)
I have gained so much here for my transition - and wish the same for everyone. The difference between just reading and being able to interact is like night and day.
The Introductions Board is located here (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php?board=8.0), and it would be great to see your intro!
And some information we provide to all new members - guidelines and links to save you time:
Things that you should read
Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)
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(https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.)
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I am so glad you finally joined - welcome!
Kendra
Thank you Julia 🙋♀️ These are words all of us need to take heed and live a happier life by.
Hugs, Jessica 💁♀️
Hey Julia, well chosen and strong thoughts, as always. Yeah, we need to sort of get an attitude as there are a number of times in my past that it was apparent that you just didn't get any respect until you said "no!", so to speak. Relationships are important, trans or not, and we all crave good ones and I think want to give so much that we have to guard against accepting less than we are worth in exchange.
I was with my son and his wife and her family over Christmas and they all couldn't have been nicer. I'd never met his in-laws before and the acceptance was overwhelming, even had really good conversations about things learned living in an outside the lines world (they are bi-racial couple) and the hugs from them all when it was time to go were as heartfelt as they get. We have to make it clear that WE believe we are people of significant value and refuse to be treated as anything less, but I think we have to always to be ready to open our hearts to those who deserve it. My experience has been that is the vast majority of people in my world, and after 67 very active years that is a pretty large world. So, protect yourself as required, but keep a light heart and a smile and expect the best from people, not the worst. Have a great New Year! Toni
I agree with the not having toxic people in your life part. But i think its going to far, to cut out family members. I would never do that in any circumstance.
As I continue down this road your post is something I will never forget. Thank you so much
Julia, as well intended as you clearly are, your argument isn't one I can get on board with, particularly "all trans people" being your topic.
I don't pass and won't in the foreseeable future. People read my face, baldness, beard and I'm immediately gendered male. The fact that I'm wearing femme attire never enters the equation.
In the last couple of weeks I was accepted into one femme lesbian Meetup group, rejected by another and admitted to a generally lesbian group only after letting the organizer know yes I'm really female. This isn't a bridge I haven't had to cross before, and a thing I keep in mind is that being officially accepted into some group doesn't help much if the members aren't going to be happy with my presence.
Just yesterday I had the following from a group organizer:
Quotedear Sadie ... While we do have several trans women in the group, they are more or less, passing. Since we are a LGBTQ group for feminine women in the Boston area, I want to continue to be as true to that as possible, as that is what other members expect upon joining. With that being said, I would very much like to keep your request on hold and revisit it in a few months, if you are open to that.
My I think measured response:
Quotedear xxxx, I think I understand and certainly respect what you're saying. I'm presently not in a position to afford electrolysis, wigs or the kind of full makeup application that would be required for beard cover. And so holding a few months isn't likely to make me passable.
I would submit to you that femme/feminine is in the brain, maybe the body and I don't see the requirement to be passable, pretty etc in the group's description "welcome all femme LGBTQ women".
All that said, I also fully understand that if whatever you decide, your membership would be on average unhappy to find me at your meetups that's not an easily solved equation.
Let me add that at least for now I've felt welcome at the (other femme) group and as I said in my first prompting message, I can find references etc for you.
So yes I accept "on hold" and let me ask you to get to know me or whatever process works for you.
Sincerely,
Sadie ( reachable at ... )
So you see, I've been having this conversation for 20 years. It's still not fun, I'm a little teary thinking about how long I've been doing this, not to say about my confusion before I realized.
To be sure, there are a lot of places I'm accepted now and most of my friends make me feel extremely happy in accepting me, however I'm also aware that transition has created distance from some people and no amount of insisting it ought to be otherwise is going to change that.
Julia these are good sentiments!!!! I agree we should not be accept being treated badly by anyone. We are people regardless of what kind of people. I see some of the comments are ohhhh, Julia you're naive and new to this. Well we don't need to go to the other side either. Where we just start treating people negatively because others have treated us as such. I believe as you that we will change people's hearts and minds with kindness. We will get no where by being mean and arguing with them. Now after repeated attempts to be nice to some people yes, do something. I have one at work that uses the excuse that he's known me for 2 years and knew my old name and it's hard to remember. At this point he is just not trying and being rude. When he uses my dead name I am going to ignore and if he asks me why I will tell him under no uncertain terms. This is my name use it and I will not answer to anything else. I will give an analogy of how about I call you by a name you don't go by some offensive one to go to the extreme but, it will prove my point. So there are some people that just won't change. It is frustrating and annoying. I totally agree with you but, at the same time we can't be pushovers and let people run us over. We do need to be nice to people and expect only the same back.
Quote from: SadieBlake on January 04, 2018, 07:00:18 AM
Julia, as well intended as you clearly are, your argument isn't one I can get on board with, particularly "all trans people" being your topic.
I don't pass and won't in the foreseeable future. People read my face, baldness, beard and I'm immediately gendered male. The fact that I'm wearing femme attire never enters the equation.
In the last couple of weeks I was accepted into one femme lesbian Meetup group, rejected by another and admitted to a generally lesbian group only after letting the organizer know yes I'm really female. This isn't a bridge I haven't had to cross before, and a thing I keep in mind is that being officially accepted into some group doesn't help much if the members aren't going to be happy with my presence.
Just yesterday I had the following from a group organizer:
My I think measured response:
So you see, I've been having this conversation for 20 years. It's still not fun, I'm a little teary thinking about how long I've been doing this, not to say about my confusion before I realized.
To be sure, there are a lot of places I'm accepted now and most of my friends make me feel extremely happy in accepting me, however I'm also aware that transition has created distance from some people and no amount of insisting it ought to be otherwise is going to change that.
I'm so sorry that happened to you. That's beyond messed up. I will never understand how an LGBT group can discriminate against other LGBT people. In my opinion any group that will only accept "passable" members isn't worth joining. Last year before I found this forum I was looking for a trans support group. I had emailed the leader of one group about joining and she asked if I could email a picture of myself. I asked why and she told me her support group is for passable transwomen. That's disgusting! I told her to keep her membership. LGBT people know full well what it's like to be descriminated against and excluded. For them to then treat others that way is just wrong in every way.
While I agree in principle, it's shortsighted to make it an all type proposition. We have different situations such that they require their own unique solutions. The only absolute I'll give is that all of us should move towards being more authentic. How we get there is up to us.
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Quote from: Julia1996 on January 04, 2018, 09:32:27 AM
I'm so sorry that happened to you. That's beyond messed up. I will never understand how an LGBT group can discriminate against other LGBT people. In my opinion any group that will only accept "passable" members isn't worth joining. Last year before I found this forum I was looking for a trans support group. I had emailed the leader of one group about joining and she asked if I could email a picture of myself. I asked why and she told me her support group is for passable transwomen. That's disgusting! I told her to keep her membership. LGBT people know full well what it's like to be descriminated against and excluded. For them to then treat others that way is just wrong in every way.
Julia, this is the nature of organizations, of people in groups. Not worth joining? When I began transition this described virtually all LGB, "T" was a brand new addition. What you are outraged about was the norm and passable was also a requirement for medical treatment. Should I be a hermit? Well ok I kindof an but I also engaged those groups to the extent that was possible. What were the options? Well ok I also gravitated to the leather/kink queer scene because as I've said elsewhere that's where I had the most acceptance.
Btw if trueselves.org were open to people over 40 frankly I think I'd be a member there instead of here. But then older transitioning women have a reputation that's probably not completely unjustified.
Just as in 2001 there was a place and need for groups exclusive to women and they usually drew the line at genetically female then for reasons I also understand and so chose to support those groups and still do the same.
Quote from: SadieBlake on January 04, 2018, 07:00:18 AM
In the last couple of weeks I was accepted into one femme lesbian Meetup group, rejected by another and admitted to a generally lesbian group only after letting the organizer know yes I'm really female. This isn't a bridge I haven't had to cross before, and a thing I keep in mind is that being officially accepted into some group doesn't help much if the members aren't going to be happy with my presence.
This is unfortunately very common with groups for older (over 40, etc) folks. I've gone to lesbian LGBT meetups where the T turned out to be trans-men only, "Please leave." I've gone to groups with some 900 members, and was told that "we have four other transwomen, and you are welcome to hang out with them". I've been escorted to a table in the corner where the bi and trans women were seated, and noticed the lack of mingling.
There's a strong unwritten code, "Trans shall only date trans" within the older lesbian community at least in the SF Bay Area. It does tend to limit the dating pool rather severely, and the tendency to sort and isolate transwomen at meetups is... less than empowering. I haven't found any honestly open and welcoming meetups here yet, and am not particularly interested in trying any more.
It's interesting that you mention this which brought to mind a comment my daughter had made since I come out to her. She asked if I like men and I responded, no. Then she says, you like women? I responded more than men and she says that you're a woman who likes women and you are a lesbian.
I responded I guess so but I have notice more than one transwoman comment that she developed more of a liking for men or both having been on HRT.
So, we shall see.
Quote from: Michelle_P on January 04, 2018, 10:28:37 AM
This is unfortunately very common with groups for older (over 40, etc) folks. I've gone to lesbian LGBT meetups where the T turned out to be trans-men only, "Please leave." I've gone to groups with some 900 members, and was told that "we have four other transwomen, and you are welcome to hang out with them". I've been escorted to a table in the corner where the bi and trans women were seated, and noticed the lack of mingling.
There's a strong unwritten code, "Trans shall only date trans" within the older lesbian community at least in the SF Bay Area. It does tend to limit the dating pool rather severely, and the tendency to sort and isolate transwomen at meetups is... less than empowering. I haven't found any honestly open and welcoming meetups here yet, and am not particularly interested in trying any more.
Yes and yet note as I said, the younger and kink/leather groups IMX are more accepting and yes I've had some fun romantic / sexual encounters in this contexts.
What you relate Michelle is indeed frightening and for me it puts a real emphasis on the privilege of passing, which of course pretty well obviates those "rules".
And I guess here is where I'm very much in line with Julia, I am engaging these groups and committed to seeing where that leads. I'm presently quite overwhelmed. I'm trying to nurture sex in my primary relationship in the direction of satisfying sex between a woman who's wanted to be lesbian all her life (yes, that's me) and a woman who I can please quite well but who shows little interest in reciprocating. On the other hand, engaging these groups is an effort to be emotionally intimate with more women and that's working.
Quote from: Michelle_P on January 04, 2018, 10:28:37 AM
This is unfortunately very common with groups for older (over 40, etc) folks. I've gone to lesbian LGBT meetups where the T turned out to be trans-men only, "Please leave." I've gone to groups with some 900 members, and was told that "we have four other transwomen, and you are welcome to hang out with them". I've been escorted to a table in the corner where the bi and trans women were seated, and noticed the lack of mingling.
There's a strong unwritten code, "Trans shall only date trans" within the older lesbian community at least in the SF Bay Area. It does tend to limit the dating pool rather severely, and the tendency to sort and isolate transwomen at meetups is... less than empowering. I haven't found any honestly open and welcoming meetups here yet, and am not particularly interested in trying any more.
It's called tribalism. You would think that marginalized groups would do a better job of being inclusive, but they can be worse to their own than those that marginalize them. The only tribe that should matter is the human race. Unfortunately most are ignorant of how they operate and therefore we have a long way to go.
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Quote from: Maddie86 on January 01, 2018, 09:57:18 AM
very great points!! Last year I cut out a couple toxic friends from my life and it felt great! I'm not out to my family yet but I have a feeling I'm going to have to cut out my dad this year. I'm hoping for the best but I've had to cut him out before back when my parent got divorced, so I know I can do it but I'm really hoping that I won't have to, ugh.
as for the relationships, I've never been with anyone, and while I'm lonely I'm still ok and I don't think I'm going to settle for anyone who treats me bad!
Wow .. very similar situation with me. I'm lonely at times as well but like you I'm still ok. The right person for me and you is out there .. it just takes time. :)