Hello everyone.
I saw my therapist yesterday, and she felt I was ready to be referred for HRT. Good news, but it's filling me with a mix of unwelcome emotions. I know I'll never pass, and I can accept that I could live stealth, but even stealth makes me squirm because I just can't imagine it. The thought of transitioning with HRT excites me greatly - I'm sure it's the woman inside who longs for this - but the old male-me seems to be throwing up obstacles as I get closer. So today I feel stuck :(
I also went out for errands this morning and felt significant gender dysphoria.
Any input would be appreciated.
Thanks!
Lindy
You cannot really go for HRT and be in a closet for long time. So, either you put on your best dress, apply some day makeup and go out of your house to do errands (thanks god it's Friday), or take more time thinking through things before you start HRT.
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Old male me kicked up a fuss when it came time to lop off the family jewels. ;D
It's natural to think this way, it shows that your mind uses a system of checks and balances. Take your time with your decisions.
Hugs, Devlyn
Very familiar. Just recently got my referral to endocrinologist. I was so anxious my blood pressure was 30 points higher than normal. I know this is what I need, but the little bit of my past reasoning that remains is in conflict with the way I feel now. Somehow I ended up talking my lips off for 10 minutes after I came out to my physician. (Btw she is as cool as a Dr can be!) We all fear change to some degree, it's a part of being human after all. I was even worried that my doctor wanted nothing to do with me after I told her. But I'm glad I did, I'm a lot more at ease now.
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Quote from: Sarahthenerd on January 05, 2018, 01:40:08 PM
Btw she is as cool as a Dr can be!
Um...what? Oh...
I assumed you were talking about me. ;D
Quote from: elkie-t on January 05, 2018, 12:51:59 PM
You cannot really go for HRT and be in a closet for long time.
Actually you can. I've been on HRT for over 9 years now. I don't think its generally a very good idea though.
Quote from: rmaddy on January 05, 2018, 01:43:35 PM
Um...what? Oh...
I assumed you were talking about me. ;D
The similarities are striking. Your not alone. I've been plagued with sever anxiety since childhood. Every time I take a step closer it is there, it has eased some every time I go out or talk about it. I'm not sure if it is because I'm getting used to coming out, or just solving some cognitive dissonance.
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Hi Lindy, I think the thoughts you are having seem normal. Change can be scary and you'll have these obstacles come up from time to time. You might think things are progressing smoothly later on and one of these stupid thoughts get in the way. I had a history of letting these thoughts take over and I quit transitioning a couple times. The thoughts are temporary and you'll eventually get through them, I did. Eventually I always came back onto the transitioning bus. This time, I'm on pellets, so if I do have those thoughts, I can't just stop taking the pills and quit. I'm making sure there are no pauses anymore.
Bari Jo
Quote from: Lindy on January 05, 2018, 12:44:27 PM
Hello everyone.
I saw my therapist yesterday, and she felt I was ready to be referred for HRT. Good news, but it's filling me with a mix of unwelcome emotions. I know I'll never pass, and I can accept that I could live stealth, but even stealth makes me squirm because I just can't imagine it. The thought of transitioning with HRT excites me greatly - I'm sure it's the woman inside who longs for this - but the old male-me seems to be throwing up obstacles as I get closer. So today I feel stuck :(
I also went out for errands this morning and felt significant gender dysphoria.
Any input would be appreciated.
Thanks!
Lindy
Lindy!!!
All will be well dear sister!!!! ... You are finding yourself dealing with a lot of issues and that is exactly where you are supposed to be at this point in the journey... much of the process of transitioning a life is the internal, not the external side of things and the working through of all these thoughts and feelings is a huge part of it...
I would advise you to go slow... find what feels right as far as a perspective that serves you well and don't carry the heavy weight of fears and negative thoughts about what the future may hold for long... I'm glad you recognize that some of the obstacles before you are of your own making for there is power in that!!!... in relation to what you wrote above... please remain open to the possibility that there may be far more value in living and expressing the truth of who you are at your core ...than the level of passing that you may, or may not, achieve at some point...
Excuse me here if I copy and paste from some thoughts I shared here on the forum recently but I think they fit well with some of what you are dealing with right now!...
I am planning on writing extensively on the subject of "passing" in the near future... Not "how to" stuff but, rather, our perspectives on it and the weight we give it in relation to our overall happiness and satisfaction during and post transition... I have seen so much anguish and suffering over the years that is unneeded, caused when passing becomes the focus above all else...
There are perspectives to all things dear sister!...You seem to be attaching a lot of fears right now to this part of the process and I would like you to read these thoughts on the role of fear in all this... There may be some new perspectives you haven't yet considered
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,230730.0.html
Most of us go into the process of transition hoping and believing we will come to a point where most of the people we encounter will see us as female... it is a fine goal that most of us share
Passing to some, means 100% of the people we encounter will see us as a cis-woman 100% of the time... That is a very high bar indeed and often a recipe for misery if you s,ee that as your only chance for happiness... Most of us have shortfalls of one kind or another that make hitting that mark difficult but, we find during the process, that we are happy, satisfied and complete without hitting that high bar!
My definition of passing has come to mean... That most people I encounter see me as female... The cis-female part matters not... Although this is my definition of it... The weight that I assign passing, to my overall level of happiness is far less than I had originally envisioned.... For the most part I have thrown it out the window and there is liberation and freedom in that for me...
We can never control how other see us and trying to is a losing game... One hole in our presentation can be the source of utter misery to us, or...it can be just what it is... Something about ourself we would like to be a little different than it is and nothing more...
The place I am at now, in my mind, may be quite different from where many chose to be and want for themselves but, at this point... If people I encounter see me as a cis-woman...Great!...
( but I won't lie to achieve that).... If they see me as a female transwoman ( my truth)... Great!!!!.... And, If they see me as a pathetic middle aged, surgically mutilated man in women's clothes... Not quite as great but nothing I can't deal with because my happiness and sense of self is mine... I do not give the power to control those things to them...
All good things to you Lindy as you explore the road ahead!!!
Onward we go brave sister!!!!
Ashley 🌻
Quote from: tgirlamc on January 05, 2018, 04:11:52 PM
Lindy!!!
All will be well dear sister!!!! ... You are finding yourself dealing with a lot of issues and that is exactly where you are supposed to be at this point in the journey... much of the process of transitioning a life is the internal, not the external side of things and the working through of all these thoughts and feelings is a huge part of it...
I would advise you to go slow... find what feels right as far as a perspective that serves you well and don't carry the heavy weight of fears and negative thoughts about what the future may hold for long... I'm glad you recognize that some of the obstacles before you are of your own making for there is power in that!!!... in relation to what you wrote above... please stay open to the possibility that there may be far more value in living and expressing the truth of who you are at your core than the level of passing that you may or may not achieve at some point...
Excuse me here if I copy and paste from some thoughts I shared here on the forum recently but I think the fit well with where you are at right now...
All good things to you Lindy as you explore the road ahead!!!
Onward we go brave sister!!!!
Ashley 🌻
Gosh, so much good stuff here! Thank you, Ashley, for taking the time to share it. I took a moment to read it all before I sign off for the night and found it very very helpful. And I'll review it again tomorrow. Passing seems like such a slippery fish but I'm seeing it doesn't have to be. Self-acceptance is the key, wherever we might land on the continuum. That's my goal, not looking like the cis women I see in my fashion magazines. (They can be such a curse, those magazines!)
Thanks for sharing your hard-earned wisdom :)
Lindy
Quote from: Lindy on January 05, 2018, 04:53:00 PM
Gosh, so much good stuff here! Thank you, Ashley, for taking the time to share it. I took a moment to read it all before I sign off for the night and found it very very helpful. And I'll review it again tomorrow. Passing seems like such a slippery fish but I'm seeing it doesn't have to be. Self-acceptance is the key, wherever we might land on the continuum. That's my goal, not looking like the cis women I see in my fashion magazines. (They can be such a curse, those magazines!)
Thanks for sharing your hard-earned wisdom :)
Lindy
Lindy...
Your wisdom is shining through as well Sister...
"Passing seems like such a slippery fish but I'm seeing it doesn't have to be. Self-acceptance is the key,"
You're clarity of vision in the sentence above demonstrates a perspective that will serve you well in making your choices work my dear sister!!!
Self acceptance is at the heart of our journey and is the difference in every way between an amazing life of joyful discoveries and a decent into misery.... I choose the joyful life....
Onward we go brave sister!!!
Hugs!!!
A 😀❤️🌻
Quote from: AnonyMs on January 05, 2018, 01:53:00 PM
Actually you can. I've been on HRT for over 9 years now. I don't think its generally a very good idea though.
I still haven't transitioned socially and won't be until later this year. There's no rush, and I didn't start having the occasional 'male fail' until the past 6 months. HRT doesn't transform you overnight, you can take your time.
I do think 9 years is a bit much though. :(
I try not to stress too much about "passing."
Society and especially mass media places unrealistic expectations for a woman's appearance. So much so that many cis-women feel a lot of anxiety over it. Millions of dollars are made selling products to women of all kinds to help them feel like they look more feminine.
The reality is that people come in all shapes and sizes. When I look around me I see women with square jaws and chins, like me. I see tall thin women with practically no hips, like me. I see women with big hands, like me.
My point is that we can't all be models. If I'm destined to be a rather homely old woman, then so be it.
I'm going through this a lot right now. I do worry about passing but mine is more job related. I'm in the the school system but not a teacher yet. That's what I've always wanted to do along with coaching. I see all the issues that trans teachers face and it leaves me all kinds of worried. It's all I've ever wanted to do and the fact that I'm good at it as a male doesn't help my thoughts either. I'm kinda thinking how much I will miss teaching/coaching because I don't think it will be smart to go into but I can't even begin to start to pick another career.
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Quote from: Thea on January 05, 2018, 06:34:58 PM
I try not to stress too much about "passing."
Society and especially mass media places unrealistic expectations for a woman's appearance. So much so that many cis-women feel a lot of anxiety over it. Millions of dollars are made selling products to women of all kinds to help them feel like they look more feminine.
The reality is that people come in all shapes and sizes. When I look around me I see women with square jaws and chins, like me. I see tall thin women with practically no hips, like me. I see women with big hands, like me.
My point is that we can't all be models. If I'm destined to be a rather homely old woman, then so be it.
Thea! ...My wise and gorgeous sister!
Self Acceptance!!!
I suspect that, like me, you came at this particular aspect of transition from more than one perspective over time before finding the place where you are now...arriving here often involves traveling a rough road but, I don't think it has to be so...In hindsight, I can see how close the answers really were in the dark times when I struggled....
My hope is that all the women who read this can find their way here on a smooth path because...This is a place of liberation and freedom... Self acceptance is the point from which the true magic in our transition begins!...
Onward we go brave sisters!!!
Ashley 😀❤️🌻
Quote from: Cheaney on January 05, 2018, 07:53:00 PM
I'm going through this a lot right now. I do worry about passing but mine is more job related. I'm in the the school system but not a teacher yet. That's what I've always wanted to do along with coaching. I see all the issues that trans teachers face and it leaves me all kinds of worried. It's all I've ever wanted to do and the fact that I'm good at it as a male doesn't help my thoughts either. I'm kinda thinking how much I will miss teaching/coaching because I don't think it will be smart to go into but I can't even begin to start to pick another career.
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Cheaney!!! My Dear Sister...
I'm so sorry that you are having worries but, if they are indeed, worries solely attached to employment, I have great faith you will find a path forward that works for you.... I can understand that a job in teaching/coaching could be a hard road and I fully understand we must pick our battles... If you look at that door as being closed to you, for whatever reason, please keep in mind that there are an infinite number of doors that will be yours to walk through....
There are so many aspects to making transition work... It touches every aspect of our life to some degree or another and our employment can be a huge piece of the puzzle
Please don't hesitate to let me know If I can ever be of help along your road ahead!!!
Onward we go brave sister!!!
Ashley 😀❤️🌻
Quote from: Lindy on January 05, 2018, 12:44:27 PM
Hello everyone.
I saw my therapist yesterday, and she felt I was ready to be referred for HRT. Good news, but it's filling me with a mix of unwelcome emotions. I know I'll never pass, and I can accept that I could live stealth, but even stealth makes me squirm because I just can't imagine it. The thought of transitioning with HRT excites me greatly - I'm sure it's the woman inside who longs for this - but the old male-me seems to be throwing up obstacles as I get closer. So today I feel stuck :(
I also went out for errands this morning and felt significant gender dysphoria.
Any input would be appreciated.
Thanks!
Lindy
It's easy to look back in hindsight and start with woulda ,coulda, shoulda. But we don't have control of those days. We can only look to the future and make it better. I dress for support group and therapy and time to time I go to see Nanci for electrolysis. If I lived downtown I could see me out and about more often especially in Capital Hill. What exactly is passing? I'll never be 20 again and that is when I may have passed. But today I just want to be accepted for who I am. A stress free human being.
Quote from: Devlyn Marie on January 05, 2018, 12:52:39 PM
Old male me kicked up a fuss when it came time to lop off the family jewels. ;D
It's natural to think this way, it shows that your mind uses a system of checks and balances. Take your time with your decisions.
Hugs, Devlyn
Old male me went through the snipping 27 years ago after the birth of my daughter. Not the one where you put em in a leather sack and hang from the trailer hitch. Just snipped the tubes.
Quote from: Lindy on January 05, 2018, 12:44:27 PM
Hello everyone.
I saw my therapist yesterday, and she felt I was ready to be referred for HRT. Good news, but it's filling me with a mix of unwelcome emotions. I know I'll never pass, and I can accept that I could live stealth, but even stealth makes me squirm because I just can't imagine it. The thought of transitioning with HRT excites me greatly - I'm sure it's the woman inside who longs for this - but the old male-me seems to be throwing up obstacles as I get closer. So today I feel stuck :(
I also went out for errands this morning and felt significant gender dysphoria.
Any input would be appreciated.
Thanks!
Lindy
Hi Lindy,
I suspect I'm somewhat qualified to offer input. I say this because I am of the opinion I'll never "pass", my mind has messed with me at times, and I'm living life 100% presenting as female and as feminine as possible.
I'm over 50, 6'-3", and with a voice slightly less deep than Darth Vader... oh and my nose is larger than any CIS woman's nose I ever recall seeing. However I have a thin build and I'm told—by a fairly wide audience— that I have a great smile.
I began my transition after I was diagnosed with cancer—I'm cancer free now—because I had a period of contemplating my own mortality. I had the opportunity to consider how I would choose to live if the number of days left were very finite.
I began by wearing skirts and dresses and my daughters helped me with makeup. Within 3 months of beginning to present as a woman, I initiated my transition. I started HRT 15 months ago. I began presenting in makeup at work around the same time.
I live in Northern California so 95% of people who live here have zero hostility toward people who are different. I like to think I would have made the same choices had I lived in a conservative region of the US, but... IDK. I was born and grew up in Texas. I knew people there who want to hurt people who are different from them. But that was a long time ago and things are probably very different now. So my concerns may be age based.
I came out formally at work a couple of months ago. It was kind of a formality though. I asked everyone to use female pronouns and to address me as Ricki instead of Rick. I am protected from discrimination by my employer's code of business conduct. My coworkers were chill before my formal request and are still. The pronouns are the toughest thing to change after 10 years of he/him, she/her doesn't just roll of the minds of my peers. I remind them if they slip up but in a light hearted way and with a big smile.
Coming out to family was easy except for Mom and Dad. Everyone has been very supportive. The parents response is still in flux. But I see it as their issue now. I'm just being honest, authentic and I'm doing what I need to do to be healthy, happy and helpful.
So that's some of my story. Please take my experience in context with everyone else's thoughts, opinions and stories and develop your own story. My "boy mind" was—for me—simply fear. I'm sure there are a lot of resources to overcome fear. For me it was "believing" I might die within a few months or years and it made for some unambiguous choices on my part.
The woman inside me would have never given up her quest to be seen and heard. The longer I kept her hidden, the more she disrupted my status quo. I guess I finally stopped fighting within myself. It began with "I am definitely not a male" and now I'm getting to "I am definitely a woman" and it's okay that most of the CIS public can't see it. Even when I'm in a cute dress and heels, they may see a guy, but if they look a little closer they'll see me. I'm living my life happily because I'm now living it for my own well-being. Then I'll be able to help others live their lives more happily.
You'll know what's right for you if you're honest with yourself. Your not alone.
Practice self-love and shine brightly... Ricki
Quote from: T.Rickie on January 06, 2018, 12:27:28 AM
Even when I'm in a cute dress and heels, they may see a guy, but if they look a little closer they'll see me. I'm living my life happily because I'm now living it for my own well-being. Then I'll be able to help others live their lives more happily.
You'll know what's right for you if you're honest with yourself. Your not alone.
Practice self-love and shine brightly... Ricki
Ricki, thanks for sharing your very touching story. It brought tears to my eyes. I saved this final bit because it really spoke to me this morning. (We seem to have the same bodies!) I've had cancer treatment too, and I'm so glad you were able to make it through to live the life that seems to make you so happy. I know this is waiting for me too. I just know it. If I had a magic wand, I'd drop myself two months into the future. By that time I would have been on HRT 60 days and I'd be working to create a new life for myself. It would be Lindy's life, the one she deserves after waiting so long.
So I'll practice my self-love and welcome what feels inevitable.
Big hugs,
Lindy
Quote from: DawnOday on January 05, 2018, 09:19:37 PM
I dress for support group and therapy and time to time I go to see Nanci for electrolysis. If I lived downtown I could see me out and about more often especially in Capital Hill. What exactly is passing? I'll never be 20 again and that is when I may have passed.
Thank you, Dawn. Sound advice.
I wish you had more opportunities to go out into the world as a woman. You're actually quite pretty :)
Lindy
Quote from: tgirlamc on January 05, 2018, 09:03:24 PM
Cheaney!!! My Dear Sister...
I'm so sorry that you are having worries but, if they are indeed, worries solely attached to employment, I have great faith you will find a path forward that works for you.... I can understand that a job in teaching/coaching could be a hard road and I fully understand we must pick our battles... If you look at that door as being closed to you, for whatever reason, please keep in mind that there are an infinite number of doors that will be yours to walk through....
There are so many aspects to making transition work... It touches every aspect of our life to some degree or another and our employment can be a huge piece of the puzzle
Please don't hesitate to let me know If I can ever be of help along your road ahead!!!
Onward we go brave sister!!!
Ashley [emoji3]❤️[emoji258]
Thank you Ashley!
I'm getting to the point that I think I'm ok with however my female appearance will be but it's just more of a security thing. Being able to support my wife so we don't struggle the way we have so far is what bothers me most about it. Still looking at possible majors/careers and see if any catch on. If not, I might just say screw it and go into education anyway because I feel like that's what I was born to do.
I will most likely take you up on your offer for help lol. I already look up to a few of you ladies(you being one) here that gives me a lot of inspiration for both the possibilities and just keeping the faith to keep going on this journey when it feels like I should quit.
Cheaney
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I know people say the hormones take a while to do anything even mentally. Maybe so. But all I know is that within a week of starting, I was not going to let anyone take them away from me. Hopefully you'll have a similar reaction, although not everyone does (even people that stay on hormones don't always feel this mental thing). For me, my deepest hope, the one I didn't share with people, was that I would be less prone to flying off the handle - and it absolutely did that. It also just generally calmed me. My wife tells me that I am obviously way, way more relaxed these days.
I don't know how your body will develop - but can speak about my middle aged body. I'm definitely getting development a few months into hormones, and have a very small, young looking, but feminine chest now. But it hasn't kept me from passing as a guy at work yet. I just got ahold of some sports bras and they flatten me out enough that if things start to get a tad more obvious, it'll be no problem to hide that. I started hormones before I was presenting as a woman anywhere.
I also shave my arms - to my knowledge nobody has really noticed at work. Nobody has said anything about my slightly plucked eyebrows either. It took 3 months for someone to comment on my earrings or that I'm growing out my hair. But I suspect things are going to get a bit harder to hide soon.
Whatever you do, listen to yourself. Some part of you knows who you are.
Quote from: Cheaney on January 06, 2018, 12:03:13 PM
Thank you Ashley!
I'm getting to the point that I think I'm ok with however my female appearance will be but it's just more of a security thing. Being able to support my wife so we don't struggle the way we have so far is what bothers me most about it. Still looking at possible majors/careers and see if any catch on. If not, I might just say screw it and go into education anyway because I feel like that's what I was born to do.
I will most likely take you up on your offer for help lol. I already look up to a few of you ladies(you being one) here that gives me a lot of inspiration for both the possibilities and just keeping the faith to keep going on this journey when it feels like I should quit.
Cheaney
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Hi Cheaney!
Thank you for the kind words sister!!!
As you consider things on the career front, you might want to give tech a serious look if you are at all drawn that direction.... I live about 90 minutes south of the Silicon Valley area and from what I know, it seems to be an industry with an accepting atmosphere for the most part and good opportunities depending on specialty skills... AI industry growth will explode soon!...
That said, If education is truly where your heart is at and you can make it work for your financial needs... Following your heart is quite seldom a wrong choice.... Life's choices are malleable and you can always try it... If you find yourself not getting out of it what you seek... A new path can be taken up... All parts of a good journey dear sister!!!!
Onward we go brave girl!
Ashley 😀❤️🌻
Quote from: Lindy on January 06, 2018, 08:55:42 AM
Ricki, thanks for sharing your very touching story. It brought tears to my eyes. I saved this final bit because it really spoke to me this morning. (We seem to have the same bodies!) I've had cancer treatment too, and I'm so glad you were able to make it through to live the life that seems to make you so happy. I know this is waiting for me too. I just know it. If I had a magic wand, I'd drop myself two months into the future. By that time I would have been on HRT 60 days and I'd be working to create a new life for myself. It would be Lindy's life, the one she deserves after waiting so long.
So I'll practice my self-love and welcome what feels inevitable.
Big hugs,
Lindy
You have my best wishes and I'm sending positive vibes your way sweetheart! Be your own magic wand dear!
Hugs back atcha,
Ricki
Practice self-love and shine brightly... Ricki
Quote from: Lindy on January 05, 2018, 12:44:27 PM
Hello everyone.
I saw my therapist yesterday, and she felt I was ready to be referred for HRT. Good news, but it's filling me with a mix of unwelcome emotions. I know I'll never pass, and I can accept that I could live stealth, but even stealth makes me squirm because I just can't imagine it. The thought of transitioning with HRT excites me greatly - I'm sure it's the woman inside who longs for this - but the old male-me seems to be throwing up obstacles as I get closer. So today I feel stuck :(
I also went out for errands this morning and felt significant gender dysphoria.
Any input would be appreciated.
Thanks!
Lindy
First of all... HRT is not a Trans Sentence. It is NOT a Give Up Your Life as You Know It; death sentence.
I've been on full feminizing HRT for a good 10 years. I still live and present full time as male.
I have 2 utter fail transition "experiments" under my belt. At 6ft tall big everything, balding since 14, should a reasonable person expect anything else? Should a person ravaged with feelings of Shame & Guilt expect anything else?
Yet.... HRT was a lifesaver for me. Over these past 40 years On/Off Low-Dose for a few weeks or more for the much needed brain "Reset". Ten years ago starting full-feminizing after some work on taking the Trans-Beast on for real.
TBH - For me... even with HRT there are and will be obstacles. Some I purposely throw up, others... the realities of my life. How do we strike a Balance? Fumble in the darkenss. Find what works. Experiment
Quote from: Thea on January 05, 2018, 06:34:58 PM
My point is that we can't all be models.
Thank you, Thea! I think this is a very powerful statement, almost a declaration. We can't be models but we can find joy living out our new lives as trans women :)
Bug hugs
Lindy
Quote from: JoanneB on January 06, 2018, 07:34:36 PM
First of all... HRT is not a Trans Sentence. It is NOT a Give Up Your Life as You Know It; death sentence.
I've been on full feminizing HRT for a good 10 years. I still live and present full time as male.
How do we strike a Balance? Fumble in the darkenss. Find what works. Experiment
Thank you for this, Joanne. I find your words inspirational in so many ways :)
Hugs
Lindy
Quote from: Lindy on January 05, 2018, 12:44:27 PM
Hello everyone.
I saw my therapist yesterday, and she felt I was ready to be referred for HRT. Good news, but it's filling me with a mix of unwelcome emotions. I know I'll never pass, and I can accept that I could live stealth, but even stealth makes me squirm because I just can't imagine it. The thought of transitioning with HRT excites me greatly - I'm sure it's the woman inside who longs for this - but the old male-me seems to be throwing up obstacles as I get closer. So today I feel stuck :(
I also went out for errands this morning and felt significant gender dysphoria.
Any input would be appreciated.
Thanks!
Lindy
Lindy, you are not alone.
I am 3+ months on HRT. I'm out to a handful of friends. I am NOT out to my family or my employer. I'm tall and don't exactly have feminine features. I've always had a fear of not being able to pass. While i made a decision to begin transition 6 months ago i have struggled with each step. But each small step so far has helped to either ease my dysphoria or settle my mind.
Each of the few steps i've taken toward transition so far have been preceeded by intense fear, worry and shame. Like coming out to my wife. Starting laser hair removal. HRT. But what i've found so far is that each step has been followed by relief, some lessening of my dysphoria and even some happiness. 6 months ago I feared i'd lose all my friends. Now that i'm out to some of my friends they've accepted me and they now use my new name and pronouns. A few months ago I was terrified of going out in public as a woman. I knew I wouldn't pass. Now I am going out with my friends as my true self. My fear was unjustified. I know that to some strangers i might look like a guy wearing women's clothes or maybe an effeminate man, but now I don't care nearly as much as I did. Today I went to brunch with a few of my friends. My nails were painted. I wore lipstick. The food was really good. Thinking back to a few months ago I couldn't have imagined going out like I did today, after all I am NOT PASSABLE.
What keeps me going is realizing that what i've feared the most about each of my little steps hasn't played out in reality. Even being misgendered in public didn't ruin me.
I have a long way to go. I'm not out to my family. I'm not out at work. At some point I'll get surgery. I still cry in therapy every week about my fear of not passing... among other things.
What keeps me going is the realization that this is better than the pain and mental hell i was in only a few months ago.
I see all sorts of opinions here... but the thing to remember is that each situation is unique and a unique combination of factors figure in to how each person experiences their lives post-transion, out or stealth or in-between.
How things can be different...
If someone passes very well and is experienced as woman by everyone, their experience of being out will be VERY different from someone who does not pass well and is out..
People tend to react to/be influenced most by what they see and experience rather than what the "know"... so (with most new people) in day to day interactions ... Ao the texture of life can be different for out people depending on how well they 'pass'.
That said few can fully 100% not be affected at all by knowing someone has changed sex (though such do exist and post-ops who marry such people are very lucky)
That means on one's social experiences (speaking in general) can be significantly different if one is out or stealth...
Depending on what what needs to be happy, and best fits who one is, it is possible to be happy anywhere on the spectrum... but that does not mean any specific person can be happy anywhere on it... Happiness depends on more than self acceptance...
But self acceptance is vital... regardless of if one is out or stealth.
No matter how stealth one might be, having had to change sex mean there are things about us that will never be as they would have been if we were born female... and to find peace you HAVE TO accept that.
The truth is while we have some say, we often don't have total control for where we wind up... In this T* aware age some of us can not get to a place where we are are not read or suspected because of some of our physical traits no matter what we do...
Some (sometimes with teh help of "additional surgeries") can physically pass flawlessly but because of factors such as information age, our entanglements/responsibilities, our loves, sense of duty etc stealth may not be in the cards no matter how much one would prefer it.
Of course some who do pass very well would rather be out... at least initially... From what I have seen it seems few that the wind up passing very well, keep being very out in the long run.
The decision to transition is always full of uncertainty about the future and where we will wind up. You can't know if your hopes and dreams will come true if you make the change ...
But you can get a sense of if it might be possible for you to be happy without trying to transition ... If you can, life would be a lot simpler...
If you can't then then despite the fear and uncertainty there really is only one path... You try your best and the learn to make the best of where you end up, knowing that one way or another your life will likely be very different from "before" in the long run and you will likely lose some people in your life that may be important to you.
But remember these days the "penalty" for not be being 100% passible is a LOT less than it used to be in a LOT of places , so there is less to fear than there once was.
- Karen
Quote from: Becca Kay on January 07, 2018, 04:45:27 PM
Today I went to brunch with a few of my friends. My nails were painted. I wore lipstick. The food was really good. Thinking back to a few months ago I couldn't have imagined going out like I did today, after all I am NOT PASSABLE.
I can *definitely* relate to this. I thought at best it would be two years after starting hormones that I would start presenting publicly. That didn't work out as I expected. I'll be starting my name & legal gender change process in the near future. This just feels right, even if I probably am a guy in a dress to most other people.
I went full time 5 months after starting HRT. I had planned to wait much longer, possibly never, but other factors changed my plans. I had been going to my therapist appointments dressed, and was running errands and occasionally getting breakfast or lunch as myself, but that was about it. I found myself living on my own, and I resolved to just be my authentic self. I had maybe 40 hours of electrolysis, was nervous when out on my own, and knew nobody in my new community.
I tossed all my male clothing, and went full time anyway. Nothing bad happened. I started attending a local Unitarian Universalist church out of philosophical common ground and a need for community. Nothing bad happened. I went to the grocery store. I went to local restaurants. I went shopping. I rode the local public transit rail system. I was frightened, but nothing bad happened. I got a makeover and makeup lessons. That was actually pretty good. :)
I've been full time 16 months now. A year and a half on HRT, and I had GCS a couple months ago.
I doubt I pass on any photographic examination, but honestly, nobody out in the world looks that closely. Everyone is too busy trying to cross the street and not get hit, or how they'll explain being late for work, or trying to remember which brand of pasta they are supposed to get.
For exercise I walk a loop of a few miles through downtown. I stop for coffee, sit and people watch to check details of movement, wardrobe choices, and such. It's just routine now.
Not passing is a big concern. However after starting HRT in Feb of 2017, the feeling of just being right for the first time in my life was overwhelming. Finding a group in the nearest city was another real positive for me. I was so afraid at first just to go out with clear nail polish on. I left the house in full fem clothes on my first trip to a therapist. Scary certainly, but so freeing also. Going out in the city after group with the girls was the most incredible feeling. It was like the very first time I could ever remember not being self conscious in my entire life.
I was just me.
That little statement seems so simple but for me it was something I will never forget.
I am staying is a town right now that is more in the state's Bible Belt of sorts. I don't pass. I don't expect to. It is great when people manage to avoid pronouns or on the rare occasion call me she or her instead. I draw some looks, some stares even. Most have been polite but every so often I feel that look. Once I catch their eyes and I do not look away, they will. I am just under 6ft tall. Really a bit over 5-11. I am fortunate to have some fem shape but my shoulders sit high and I feel exposed everywhere I go. Still life is better than before.
Quote from: Karen_A on January 07, 2018, 05:54:20 PM
The decision to transition is always full of uncertainty about the future and where we will wind up. You can't know if your hopes and dreams will come true if you make the change ...
But you can get a sense of if it might be possible for you to be happy without trying to transition ... If you can, life would be a lot simpler...
If you can't then then despite the fear and uncertainty there really is only one path... You try your best and the learn to make the best of where you end up, knowing that one way or another your life will likely be very different from "before" in the long run.
Karen, thanks so much for sharing your wisdom. You offered many compelling considerations and, this morning, I find myself facing the above reality. I've decided to give myself more time before I begin HRT. Transitioning feels so right/necessary, but I want/need to make sure it's the absolutely the best path for me.
Lindy
Hi Karen, you made a great 'balanced' post (and I generally post something very 'unbalanced').
My point was whether you pass or not, whether you have supportive or hostile environment. Actually, especially if situation is difficult and environment is not friendly... if you go for HRT, you must be prepared to face your community as a MTF trans (someone, who is neither treated as male, nor as cis-female). Not necessarily jump into the pool right away, but be ready that you'd be pushed into it at most unexpected moment and be ready to start swimming (figuratively speaking). Why? Because HRT affects different people differently, and your body might respond to hormones very fast, and even if some people live 9 years on low dose HRT without visible changes - it doesn't mean there are none, it just mean - people did not confront them. But you will be constantly afraid of discovery all this time unless you're mentally ready to pull that dress and go out at moment's notice.
If you aren't ready to do it (at least mentally), my advice is not to start HRT
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
I personally don't pass (6+' tall, 200lb, 40 yrs of testosterone)... But I went out many times dressed as a woman. I got my share of stares, I understood from the first time that I might meet someone I know and will be outed to all people I know. I told myself, if it happens, it happens, I won't be ashamed to admit who I am. So, when people stared at me, I stared back and smiled. I can count only a few times when I actually was confronted by strangers, and thank god - all confrontations resolved peacefully. People in general don't want to press when the other person isn't ashamed/ afraid/ shy. And by smiling, I made a point that I am not challenging them (not a good thing towards macho males).
Any trans needs to grow thick skin and be prepared. Si vis pacem, para bellum.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
thank you so much for this tread. I'm just starting out on my journey (I gto to a private GIC in March to go on HRT)
I'm dressing androgynously female at the minute, have been since november - at first I felt so conspicuous I thought I would never be able to go any further but its becoming my new normal if that makes sense - still nerve wracking at times. One big issue at the minute is that I don't want to wear a wig (I do when I go partying) so I'm growing my hair and having laser as well - I think (hope) that when I do I'll feel more confident. I guess its confidence I need to grow more than anything though - anyone have a magic wand :)
Quote from: vickijonesuk on January 15, 2018, 05:28:09 AM
I guess its confidence I need to grow more than anything though - anyone have a magic wand :)
Vicki
Welcome to the forum dear sister and kudos on the brave steps forward to make your life into one that is a better reflection of the truth inside you!!!
I believe you will find, as you continue to move forward, that the confidence will grow exponentially... The fears will fall away... and the magic wand has been inside you all along, waiting for the right time to be used...
Your time is now!!!...
Onward we go brave girl
Ashley 😀💗🌻
Quote from: vickijonesuk on January 15, 2018, 05:28:09 AM
I'm dressing androgynously female at the minute, have been since november - at first I felt so conspicuous I thought I would never be able to go any further but its becoming my new normal if that makes sense - still nerve wracking at times. I guess its confidence I need to grow more than anything though - anyone have a magic wand :)
Hi Vicki,
We seem to be walking the same path. Congrats on mustering the courage to move forward. I liked your comment about "my new normal." I can't wear most of my old male clothes anymore and I've adopted a much more androgynous look - though kinda girly - which feels very comfortable. I think we'll feel our way forward and the woman inside will guide us.
Good luck :)
Lindy
Quote from: vickijonesuk on January 15, 2018, 05:28:09 AM
thank you so much for this tread. I'm just starting out on my journey (I gto to a private GIC in March to go on HRT)
I'm dressing androgynously female at the minute, have been since november - at first I felt so conspicuous I thought I would never be able to go any further but its becoming my new normal if that makes sense - still nerve wracking at times. One big issue at the minute is that I don't want to wear a wig (I do when I go partying) so I'm growing my hair and having laser as well - I think (hope) that when I do I'll feel more confident. I guess its confidence I need to grow more than anything though - anyone have a magic wand :)
That has been me for months. Dressing ambiguously female. Some of my friends didn't notice that my sweaters changed from men's to women's. Most people don't realize I'm wearing women's skinny jeans, not men's. Despite my height and not wearing any makeup I was referred to as ma'am a few days ago by a server while I was out with friends. My clothing has slowly morphed, especially as I lost weight, from very plain men's clothing to androgenous and now blatantly female most days.
I'm going wig shopping this weekend with my girlfriends. Usually when I go out of the house I wear a slouchy hat but the hat no longer calms my dysphoria.
Hi Lindy,
We are on the mtf transsexual forum and even here there are degrees of how far we go. Stepping out into a larger transgender group and the difference in what each individual needs is even greater. The more that I meet people along the spectrum the more that I see that most of us go as far as we HAVE to go. I HAD to fully transition physically and socially, whatever happened I was not going past that point in my life unless I was going as female. There are so many who do not have that need. AND...
This will not be popular but popular or not it is true.
There are many more that would go all the way to social transition if they felt they could pass. This thing we are going through can be brutal and I may pass now, maybe, but that wasn't always the case, I wouldn't wish that time on anyone. I understand what some girls say here and I agree, self acceptance is huge BUT, from what I have seen and it may not always be the case, the biggest champions of that philosophy live in an area where it is more acceptable to be trans. I have to wonder if they would feel the same if they lived in my area where "being yourself" can be dangerous.
😁 All hope is not lost though. One, we can move if we have to! I came close to it myself a few times.
Two, passability is possible even with what might seem insurmountable odds.
This is a hard thing to go through and where you are at is usually the hardest. Crossroads often are. I can't say what is the right path but I am sure of this, it doesn't go away, one day to one degree or another it has to be confronted. I am also sure that there are completely happy people in EVERY stage of transition or stealth, so it is possible. Take your time if you have to. 😊 I think that I had forgotten until reading your original post how very attractive it is, how strong the lure can be to be a woman. Sometimes the hardest footprints to see are the ones we've left behind.
Quote from: FinallyMichelle on January 16, 2018, 06:24:42 PM
Hi Lindy,
We are on the mtf transsexual forum and even here there are degrees of how far we go. Stepping out into a larger transgender group and the difference in what each individual needs is even greater. The more that I meet people along the spectrum the more that I see that most of us go as far as we HAVE to go. I HAD to fully transition physically and socially, whatever happened I was not going past that point in my life unless I was going as female. There are so many who do not have that need. AND...
This will not be popular but popular or not it is true.
There are many more that would go all the way to social transition if they felt they could pass. This thing we are going through can be brutal and I may pass now, maybe, but that wasn't always the case, I wouldn't wish that time on anyone. I understand what some girls say here and I agree, self acceptance is huge BUT, from what I have seen and it may not always be the case, the biggest champions of that philosophy live in an area where it is more acceptable to be trans. I have to wonder if they would feel the same if they lived in my area where "being yourself" can be dangerous.
😁 All hope is not lost though. One, we can move if we have to! I came close to it myself a few times.
Two, passability is possible even with what might seem insurmountable odds.
This is a hard thing to go through and where you are at is usually the hardest. Crossroads often are. I can't say what is the right path but I am sure of this, it doesn't go away, one day to one degree or another it has to be confronted. I am also sure that there are completely happy people in EVERY stage of transition or stealth, so it is possible. Take your time if you have to. 😊 I think that I had forgotten until reading your original post how very attractive it is, how strong the lure can be to be a woman. Sometimes the hardest footprints to see are the ones we've left behind.
Ya, I'll answer that. I live in Boston, where TDOR started following the death of Rita Hester. I live authentically as me, and I am not a passable woman. If they'll kill her, they'll kill me. Frankly, I find your comment condescending.
one thing that held me back for so long, and tortured me in some ways, was the idea that I would never look like a girl. I knew for so long that no amount of surgery could shrink me or narrow my shoulders.
But then I saw girls like Laura Jane Grace and Charlie Jane Anders. They looked real and genuine and happy and feminine. And they looked kind of like me... and then there was Gwendoline Christie who is taller and wider and heavier and stronger than I will ever be, and she was born a girl. And they were all beautiful and different.
And they teach me that I can be who I am even if i'm not delicate and petite
Fair enough, though not intended. It was not ment to be gentle either.
Giving advice that if taken would mimic our own path can often be an attempt to validate our own choices. These are people's lives and agendas have no place in advice given to someone in need, at that point the advice is helping the giver receive something and not the one who is desperately seeking assistance. I don't believe that any advice given here is ment to be harmful but advice given from a distance is rarely accurate enough to be useful.
If someone does not make the choices we made it does not make our choices wrong.
I talk too much, I know I do. I have tried to be helpful and maybe have failed. I have worked the hardest to do no harm though. If I say to someone, 'Breathe, it will be okay.' I try to be sure they are not under water at the time. If I say, 'One step at a time.' I want to make sure that first step won't take them off the edge of a cliff. I hold myself accountable for the things that I have said and other that a few times that I posted when I was drunk (and once angry), I don't feel as though said anything that can hurt anyone.
I was trying to be diplomatic and careful not to step on toes, not condescending. Now let me be blunt; If this is all about the collective or an agenda, "Be proud! Be Trans!" instead of helping the INDIVIDUALS and their unique issues, than I want no part of it. It is an admirable sentiment, but when a person's mental health and happiness are on the line, that sentiment has no place.
I feel comfortable with what I have said and still feel no discomfort after your comment if that was your intent.
What helped me to fight fear when I go out is deep internal conviction, that I am a human being and as such have same rights to dress any way I like even if the whole world don't like it. I am not breaking any laws, and have no reason to be ashamed or hide my face. That deep sense of internal peace guided me and gave strength to stand my ground against people who disagreed with my gender presentation. And 200lb of bones and muscles in my 6+' body. And friendly smile (because you treat people the way you want to be treated)
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Quote from: FinallyMichelle on January 16, 2018, 06:24:42 PM
There are many more that would go all the way to social transition if they felt they could pass. This thing we are going through can be brutal and I may pass now, maybe, but that wasn't always the case, I wouldn't wish that time on anyone. I understand what some girls say here and I agree, self acceptance is huge BUT, from what I have seen and it may not always be the case, the biggest champions of that philosophy live in an area where it is more acceptable to be trans. I have to wonder if they would feel the same if they lived in my area where "being yourself" can be dangerous.
😁 All hope is not lost though. One, we can move if we have to! I came close to it myself a few times.
Two, passability is possible even with what might seem insurmountable odds.
Thank you, Michelle. You've added some meaningful comments in this thread. I have to agree with the above, because I live in a very conservative farm community. I can only imagine there is little understanding, knowledge, tolerance for any deviations in gender or presentation. I'm assuming here. An hour away is a very progressive urban center that has a large LGBTQ community and its own modern resource center. I could definitely "be myself" there, whatever that might look like, and I'm sure I would feel free to wear dresses to the market without worry. I do plan to move, just not sure where at this point. It's all a journey, right? And not always an easy one. But we do what we can to find happiness.
Hugs
Lindy
Hi and thanks for taking the time to read.I have fear actually terror of being myself in a public place ,just quickly,I started living full time female at age 24 ,no hormones and no worries really about passing.Then a bad thing happened ,I was attacked by two people I knew beaten and raped ,this was an experience which was so bad it drove me back into the closet so much that I have rarely come out in the last 20 years.I am now 50 and I still can pass but I live as a male as I am terrified of a repeat being attacked again .I have not changed my mind about being who I am since my earliest memories ,I'm just to scared to act,Despite my strength of will and best intentions I am now starting to deteriorate mentally ,I am angry all the time and constantly uncomfortable ,I just want to wake up and dress and be myself as I please etc but it is such a huge threshold to cross,I have made enough money to comfortably transition but now I'm just too scared ,guess this is an old stupid story ,I had decided to just tough it out and be an unhappy male but mentally it's starting to show ,any advice would be appreciated,Thanks
Quote from: Toniwonders on January 18, 2018, 07:34:00 PM
Hi and thanks for taking the time to read.I have fear actually terror of being myself in a public place ,just quickly,I started living full time female at age 24 ,no hormones and no worries really about passing.Then a bad thing happened ,I was attacked by two people I knew beaten and raped ,this was an experience which was so bad it drove me back into the closet so much that I have rarely come out in the last 20 years.I am now 50 and I still can pass but I live as a male as I am terrified of a repeat being attacked again .I have not changed my mind about being who I am since my earliest memories ,I'm just to scared to act,Despite my strength of will and best intentions I am now starting to deteriorate mentally ,I am angry all the time and constantly uncomfortable ,I just want to wake up and dress and be myself as I please etc but it is such a huge threshold to cross,I have made enough money to comfortably transition but now I'm just too scared ,guess this is an old stupid story ,I had decided to just tough it out and be an unhappy male but mentally it's starting to show ,any advice would be appreciated,Thanks
Toni!
Welcome to the forum sister! ... This journey is one best made with friends at your side and, you are amongst them here!!! My name is Ashley, I'm the favorite big sister that you never knew you had!!! 😀
You asked for advice... I will offer some thoughts for your consideration... in the end... we must all come to our own decisions about how to live our own life and the paths we should take... hopefully my thoughts will come together in some kind of coherent fashion for you!
First... I'm so sorry that you suffered such a traumatic experience in the past... There are many sad stories in the transgender world and yours has sad aspects indeed but, the experience need not define you... where you want to go... how you want to live your life....unless you give it that power...
The idea at the core of your first post is that there is a way you would like to live your life, and fear is the obstacle between you and what you seek... I would like you to read this thread because it speaks to the role of fear in seeking what we want and need in life...
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,230730.0.html
I am a few years older than you... 57 in a few months but, there are many of us here who come to transition around the half century mark... perhaps that is just about as long as it is tolerable to hid until you are sick of hiding... I certainly was... My life is finally... MY LIFE... not the one dictated that I SHOULD live and I have never been happier...The 50s are very much a time when we look at our life... Are we happy? ... If not, Why?... What do we need in our life to bring things to where they need to be?
In the end... our lives are what we make them to be... we hold the steering wheel... What happened to you 20 years ago was terrible but... even more tragic would be allowing those two people and that incident to rob you of a life well lived...
As I said... we must all decide what path is the right one for us but, I hear the sound, in your words, of someone at a crossroads and, seeking direction...I would urge you find perspective on the past and also explore the possibilities that could lay ahead for you on the other side of fear...a WPATH therapist may be very helpful in pursuit of that!
Wishing you all good things as you explore where life will take you next
Onward we go brave sister!!!
Ashley 😀❤️🌻
Quote from: Toniwonders on January 18, 2018, 07:34:00 PM
Hi and thanks for taking the time to read.I have fear actually terror of being myself in a public place ,just quickly,I started living full time female at age 24 ,no hormones and no worries really about passing.Then a bad thing happened ,I was attacked by two people I knew beaten and raped ,this was an experience which was so bad it drove me back into the closet so much that I have rarely come out in the last 20 years.I am now 50 and I still can pass but I live as a male as I am terrified of a repeat being attacked again .I have not changed my mind about being who I am since my earliest memories ,I'm just to scared to act,Despite my strength of will and best intentions I am now starting to deteriorate mentally ,I am angry all the time and constantly uncomfortable ,I just want to wake up and dress and be myself as I please etc but it is such a huge threshold to cross,I have made enough money to comfortably transition but now I'm just too scared ,guess this is an old stupid story ,I had decided to just tough it out and be an unhappy male but mentally it's starting to show ,any advice would be appreciated,Thanks
Hi Toniwonders 🙋♀️ Welcome to Susan's! I'm Jessica happily greeting you. Fear is a real thing that we all can experience. Hopefully you can find support in your area. You may learn some techniques that will help you feel safe. Maybe start a thread in the introductions forum and meet some great people that love to help. Shout out to Ashley for letting me know you were new here. I see your new here, so I'll post some links that may help you get better acquainted with the site.
Things that you should read
Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html) | Standard Terms & Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html) | Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.) | Cautionary Note (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,82221.0.html) |
Reputation rules (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,18960.0.html) | News posting & quoting guidelines (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,174951.0.html) | Photo, avatars, & signature images policy (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,59974.msg383866.html#msg383866) | Membership Agreement (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,216851.0.html) |
Quote from: Toniwonders on January 18, 2018, 07:34:00 PM
Hi and thanks for taking the time to read.I have fear actually terror of being myself in a public place ,just quickly,I started living full time female at age 24 ,no hormones and no worries really about passing.Then a bad thing happened ,I was attacked by two people I knew beaten and raped ,this was an experience which was so bad it drove me back into the closet so much that I have rarely come out in the last 20 years.I am now 50 and I still can pass but I live as a male as I am terrified of a repeat being attacked again .I have not changed my mind about being who I am since my earliest memories ,I'm just to scared to act,Despite my strength of will and best intentions I am now starting to deteriorate mentally ,I am angry all the time and constantly uncomfortable ,I just want to wake up and dress and be myself as I please etc but it is such a huge threshold to cross,I have made enough money to comfortably transition but now I'm just too scared ,guess this is an old stupid story ,I had decided to just tough it out and be an unhappy male but mentally it's starting to show ,any advice would be appreciated,Thanks
Hi Toni,
I'm Laurie, I see that you are new here. So please let me say, Welcome To Susan's Place! Come on in and take a good look around. Perhaps I can even get you to hop on over to the
Introductions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,8.0.html) Thread and create a post to tell us a little bit more about yourself so we can get to know you a little better and greet you properly. I'll add some links and information below that can help you get more out of our site. Please take time to become familiar with them especially the RED one as we are always getting questions that are answered there.
Okay the official greet is done. (((Hug))) Hi Toni, come on in and get comfy. You are wanted here as yourself. Yeah that female self, remember her? Hon, that is who you are and what happened to you was horrible. None of us should ever be treated that way, no woman should. It is understandable that it scared the hell out of you. But the years of not being able to be yourself.. Hun that's enough to torture anyone. I hope you are getting therapy for it Toni. If you are not then you need to the trauma from it is still affecting you. Really that can help.
I have not had anything like that happen to me but then I only came out to the world last June. That's when I began living full time as myself. I'm 65 too. Kinda got a late start on this transgender stuff. I just didn't know. I cross dressed in the closet almost all my life and only discovered I was trans in November 2016. So Hun it is not too late to start. A lot of things have changed since you where 24. I know what long term issues are from the times when we were younger. I am working on some of mine that started somewhere back in the 50s and 60s. It isn't easy to overcome long held fears. I am getting help and you probably should too.
We are here to help if we can Toni, Welcome.
Hugs,
Laurie
Global Moderator
Laurie@susans.org
P.S. I removed the links at the bottom of my post because Jessica also provided them in the post above.