I joined this page because I wanted to share my story with others.
I am not transgendered, though I was quite a tom-boy in my childhood. I remember my mother always saying to me when I wanted a truck, rather than a doll..."No, that's for boys". I had more guys as friends, so I could play with their toys more often. I could go further into the many situations throughout my life, where gender was forced on me, or forced onto others, but this blog isn't about me.
This is about my father-in-law. He recently passed away. On the outside, he was a manly-man. He wore the usual aftershave, wore blue jeans and button up shirts. He drank way too much, chain-smoked, and often came across bigotted against others. The thing is, none of it was real. He behaved this way to hide who he really was.
I knew the rumours, that he'd been caught playing "dress-up" by a few people in his life. If you knew him, it was hard to imagine it. He hadn't intended, when going to the hospital, that he'd never return to his home, or he likely would have purged a lot of his belonging. Judging by some of the things missing, that I realized used to be there (like a couple of wigs (Hair products, and various strands of synthetic hair), he had began doing so, but ran out of time. His health issues took him down fast and hard.
Going through his home brought me so much grief. First, of course the death. But more than that was a legacy of a man who felt forced to live a lie. On the surface, if you merely visited his home, it looked like that of any typical older man, a flawless facade, hiding his "shame", but that obviously wasn't who he wanted to be.
When I met this man, I wasn't sure that I liked him. My kid thought he was a jerk, the way he spoke of people of other races, sexuality, women. Yet, there was more to him; I sensed it. It took 5 years for him to actually warm up to me. I was just getting to know him when this happened. He stopped speaking out badly about others this year. He showed a kinder and gentler side. A year before, he quit drinking due to health problems, and it was much easier to hang out with him. In fact, I started to like him. That was the most devastating part of this. Maybe, given more time, he'd have felt comfortable opening up. Maybe the world would have changed around him to allow him at least a few years of being himself.
Under the surface, rummaging through his belongings, I realized that this was far more than a man who chose to merely dress up sometimes, and I realized quickly why he never wanted anyone to come over, including his own family. He was living as a woman. I will never know the extent of his pain; he spent his entire life drinking until he killed his brain and liver, lived his life lonely, and became so incredibly angry. I was so upset, realizing that if he'd only lived in an accepting and loving world, he wouldn't have needed to waste his life, holed up alone most of his life.
I wish I could talk to his family. The few who know hush me quickly, like it's a shameful secret that needs to stay that way. I will respect them. I feel no shame in who he was, but only for the fact that he had to live a lie. Shame on the world for doing that to him. I'm glad I got to know the whole truth, even if it came in such a painful way.
My heart goes out to those who are still out there today, living as he felt forced to, putting on a John Wayne mask, in hopes that nobody will ever find out. Everyone deserves to be who they feel inclined to be. I hope that soon, everyone will understand that, so the story of my father-in-law never needs to be anyone else's story.
*hugs*
If it's any consolation, I think your father-in-law's struggle to be herself wasn't in vain. Her life may seem like a drop in a callous ocean, but it sent ripples that will keep traveling, and opening our hearts and minds, and making us more compassionate towards one another, until the end of time. It's struggles like hers that give the fortunate amongst us the opportunity to be happy and for that opportunity to be expanding to more and more of us.
Welcome to Susan's Place. I have seen many stories told from may different view points but this is the first time I have seen a story told from this view point. Stories like this are important because we may have as many as 7000 people view this site without joining as guest. Some may be like your father-in-law but maybe with the right nudge from this site will chose to come out of the closet and find happiness.
Many stay in the closet because of fear and unfortunately not all of the stories told on this site are happy however if somebody is willing to seek happiness with all their effort, happiness is often within their reach. Hopefully your story will be the first step for somebody else.
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This is what I was afraid of, having to live the rest of my life in frustration & denial & dying in regret that I never lived as a woman. A few years ago when in Manchester a stocky, bearded, heavily built middle aged man walked up to me & said "I wish I dare" & then got on the bus. I hope they dared
Thank you Sabrina,
I have had the sad but also lovely experience of helping a man go through a terminal disease as he revealed to me the 'terrible' secret they had lived with. I think that he/she found some solace in talking to ''the transgender doctor" as they faced their treatment. They refused the therapy and they grasped the chance to end the pain of the life that they had been subjected to.
I know a few members recall the post and it has affected some of us deeply.
Walk in Peace and thank you.
Wow, I think this post should be required reading. Late transitioners like myself will be affected deeply. Young people I think need to see too as a possible future or warning. Thanks for sharing.
Bari Jo
Although I was never a drinker, my anger was steadily growing year after year. I was blind as to how my anger was affecting my family. I had been hiding myself from everyone for over 40 years. It wasn't until reading many of the intro posts here at Susan's that I finally realized the source of my rage. I have two older brothers, one with stage 4 colon cancel and the other has already had two major joint replacements with a third on the way. I realized none of us knows how much time we have left here, and I decided it was time to start a new journey. I am not out to the world yet, but the few who know my secret have seen the change in my behavior - my anger is gone. My anticipation of coming out to everyone is building daily, I feel like a five-year-old and every day is Christmas eve. Very soon now Jessica Rose will be released from the darkness, and it will be the most joyous day of my life.
Quote from: Sabrina42 on January 16, 2018, 09:42:23 PM
I wish I could talk to his family.
Sabrina, thank you so much for your beautiful and thoughtful letter. You may not be able to reach his family, but you have reached ours.
I know how your father-in-law must have felt, because that was me for 60 years. I am so glad that, with support and love, I was eventually able to break out of the shame and secrecy while I still have some good years left. We get many posts from others in the same situation, looking for the strength to become themselves. Your post will help them do that.
Thank you!
This is one of the saddest things I've ever read. It makes me wonder how many trans people have actually and still are living that way. I can't imagine anything more horrible.
These stories make me so incredibly angry at those organizations that perpetuate this upon us. His life was mine not so long ago and I feel fortunate to have escaped that pit of despair.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on January 17, 2018, 05:47:03 AM
Although I was never a drinker, my anger was steadily growing year after year. I was blind as to how my anger was affecting my family. I had been hiding myself from everyone for over 40 years. It wasn't until reading many of the intro posts here at Susan's that I finally realized the source of my rage. I have two older brothers, one with stage 4 colon cancel and the other has already had two major joint replacements with a third on the way. I realized none of us knows how much time we have left here, and I decided it was time to start a new journey. I am not out to the world yet, but the few who know my secret have seen the change in my behavior - my anger is gone. My anticipation of coming out to everyone is building daily, I feel like a five-year-old and every day is Christmas eve. Very soon now Jessica Rose will be released from the darkness, and it will be the most joyous day of my life.
❤️
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on January 17, 2018, 05:47:03 AM
Although I was never a drinker, my anger was steadily growing year after year. I was blind as to how my anger was affecting my family. I had been hiding myself from everyone for over 40 years. It wasn't until reading many of the intro posts here at Susan's that I finally realized the source of my rage. I have two older brothers, one with stage 4 colon cancel and the other has already had two major joint replacements with a third on the way. I realized none of us knows how much time we have left here, and I decided it was time to start a new journey. I am not out to the world yet, but the few who know my secret have seen the change in my behavior - my anger is gone. My anticipation of coming out to everyone is building daily, I feel like a five-year-old and every day is Christmas eve. Very soon now Jessica Rose will be released from the darkness, and it will be the most joyous day of my life.
I fully understand your sorrow and your joy as I started going through the same process a year and a half ago. At 64 I decided, I too had kept a secret for far too long and it was killing me. Since then the therapy sessions, support groups, gender convention, and surprisingly something I am attending this weekend in downtown Seattle. The Woman's March. It has set me free. I am beginning to reconnect with life and actually look forward to tomorrow and the mystery it brings. Aside from marrying my wife, the single most satisfying thing I have done.
Quote from: Sabrina42 on January 16, 2018, 09:42:23 PM
I joined this page because I wanted to share my story with others.
I am not transgendered, though I was quite a tom-boy in my childhood. I remember my mother always saying to me when I wanted a truck, rather than a doll..."No, that's for boys". I had more guys as friends, so I could play with their toys more often. I could go further into the many situations throughout my life, where gender was forced on me, or forced onto others, but this blog isn't about me.
This is about my father-in-law. He recently passed away. On the outside, he was a manly-man. He wore the usual aftershave, wore blue jeans and button up shirts. He drank way too much, chain-smoked, and often came across bigotted against others. The thing is, none of it was real. He behaved this way to hide who he really was.
I knew the rumours, that he'd been caught playing "dress-up" by a few people in his life. If you knew him, it was hard to imagine it. He hadn't intended, when going to the hospital, that he'd never return to his home, or he likely would have purged a lot of his belonging. Judging by some of the things missing, that I realized used to be there (like a couple of wigs (Hair products, and various strands of synthetic hair), he had began doing so, but ran out of time. His health issues took him down fast and hard.
Going through his home brought me so much grief. First, of course the death. But more than that was a legacy of a man who felt forced to live a lie. On the surface, if you merely visited his home, it looked like that of any typical older man, a flawless facade, hiding his "shame", but that obviously wasn't who he wanted to be.
When I met this man, I wasn't sure that I liked him. My kid thought he was a jerk, the way he spoke of people of other races, sexuality, women. Yet, there was more to him; I sensed it. It took 5 years for him to actually warm up to me. I was just getting to know him when this happened. He stopped speaking out badly about others this year. He showed a kinder and gentler side. A year before, he quit drinking due to health problems, and it was much easier to hang out with him. In fact, I started to like him. That was the most devastating part of this. Maybe, given more time, he'd have felt comfortable opening up. Maybe the world would have changed around him to allow him at least a few years of being himself.
Under the surface, rummaging through his belongings, I realized that this was far more than a man who chose to merely dress up sometimes, and I realized quickly why he never wanted anyone to come over, including his own family. He was living as a woman. I will never know the extent of his pain; he spent his entire life drinking until he killed his brain and liver, lived his life lonely, and became so incredibly angry. I was so upset, realizing that if he'd only lived in an accepting and loving world, he wouldn't have needed to waste his life, holed up alone most of his life.
I wish I could talk to his family. The few who know hush me quickly, like it's a shameful secret that needs to stay that way. I will respect them. I feel no shame in who he was, but only for the fact that he had to live a lie. Shame on the world for doing that to him. I'm glad I got to know the whole truth, even if it came in such a painful way.
My heart goes out to those who are still out there today, living as he felt forced to, putting on a John Wayne mask, in hopes that nobody will ever find out. Everyone deserves to be who they feel inclined to be. I hope that soon, everyone will understand that, so the story of my father-in-law never needs to be anyone else's story.
*hugs*
Sabrina,
Thank you for sharing your and your father-in-law's story. I wish every person, trans, questioning, cis, could/would read this with the compassion that you showed in writing it. It has touched me deeply. I'm sitting in downtown Chicago at a fast food joint crying my eyes out.
Please continue to tell this story. It's very powerful and you are a great story teller.
Sent from my LG-H910 using Tapatalk
Thank-you so much for your kind replies. My heart is broken. I'm glad I have a place where I can come to speak about them, with people who care. I never felt comfortable speaking to my father-in-law about how often I worked with those transitioning, helping with hair/wig and make-up tips. Always coming across so judgmental, to hide secrets, I chose to keep such things about myself, private from him. In seeing his clothing, we were the same size. I could have let him borrow clothing. I could have taken him to locations where he could have been himself. I could have even helped him do it in a way that maintained his privacy. I could have helped his family understand him. I've always been good at forcing logic into even the most stubborn of people. He never knew the friend he could have had in me, where I could have truly been a great daughter-in-law, beyond our boating/fishing trips. I miss what could have been. I hope there is an afterlife and I hope he has found peace and happiness there. After missing out on so much in life, he deserves it. I went to college for community service and I'm wondering if the best way to honour his legacy, is to find some way to help others in the same situation. I don't even know where to get started. I hope I'm able to save at least one person from the same fate.
"putting on a John Wayne mask"...
Guilty as charged. There are so many of us out there who do this. I am sorry for your loss.
Sabrina,
It's easy to see your heartbreak, and pain at this loss...
Quote from: amandam on January 18, 2018, 12:23:24 AM
Guilty as charged. There are so many of us out there who do this.
.
There are indeed many of us, we all have our reasons, and hiding has long term implications for many of us, although some find some peace in our seclusion.
Rowan
Some people just have too much (externally) to lose by being themselves. Although I would never agree to living a lie, I understand why people do it.
Thank you so much for posting that - a really deeply moving story. xx
Tears....
Myself and many others live this everyday....the temptation to try to drown this with your drug of choice is there, and so is the frustration showing as anger to all......
I hope peace can be found in all our lives.
That is one of the most beautiful and sad stories. I can totally understand why she didn't come out to the world, but what pain and misery for not doing so.
So glad someone caring and understanding found her personal items and understood the pain and anguish.
I think if I lived alone I would live as female behind closed doors but we do what we can to stop the pain.
Thank you for posting. :)
I cried thinking that could have been me, was me, until I gathered up the courage at the age of 53 to talk to my wife and start the process of ending 11 years of massive panic attacks and 50 years of misery.
Sabrina I am going to ask that you do one more thing: Please share your story with PFLAG. (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays). They send gay, lesbian and transgender speakers out to tell their stories to schools and employers in order to preach tolerance.
Your Father in Law's story is very powerful and deserves to be told to the world.
Quite a powerful message to others but I am so sorry that her time was never right. I am escaping the vortex at the moment and trying to find a way to talk to my fragile parents 82+ so that they know they always had a daughter as well as their other sons. Your story strikes a chord some how so with your blessing I would like to share this with my parents in some way - I wont post it on any web sites ever just reference it or logon so they can see it. So sad she never had a chance to be real.
Bless your father in law and you for sharing
Katie
Quote from: Sabrina42 on January 16, 2018, 09:42:23 PM
Maybe the world would have changed around him to allow him at least a few years of being himself.
Oh my gosh. This WAS my life until only about a couple of years ago. I too always thought that I would take this shameful secret to the grave with me. I too tried to drown myself in alcohol and it nearly killed me when I was 26. But at the age of 57 i realized that the world DID change around me and allow me at least of few years of happiness and of being myself and I am grateful every day to be alive and actually living my life as a woman. It is a joy that is so hard for many to understand. Each and every day I discover new textures of experiencing my true life, living and working wholly in the social role of a woman. The woman I was born in this life to be. Always.
Quote from: Sabrina42 on January 16, 2018, 09:42:23 PM
Shame on the world for doing that to him.
Thank you for this very keen observation. It actually reinforces and highlights one of the biggest issues I am dealing with right now. The anger I have for the people in my life, specifically my own parents, who created a hostile, transphobic space in which I came to knowledge of myself. I love my parents so much, tho my father is gone and my mother is extremely advance Alzheimer's. But what should be only fond memories of my dearest loved ones is colored by anger and resentment of their hatred for gender nonconformers such as myself.
This is what I love about this forum. That it creates a safe space to explore gender for individuals like me and your father in law and countless others. A refuge. A sanctuary. In a world that is still in many ways hateful to us tho improving vastly by leaps and bounds every day as we all move forward together. It's NEVER TOO LATE TO BE ONE'S TRUE SELF.
Thank you so much for this post.
I've been a member of this forum for a decade, and this might be the first time I have seen a post written from your kind of perspective. It may also be one of the most heartfelt and poignant posts I've seen in all these years. The words you've written not only honor your father-in-law, I also suspect they've already moved a lot of people who've read them to ponder their own situation in a new light. It wouldn't surprise me if they will save at least one person from the same fate as you hope.
For myself, I'm grateful that you shared your story. Until just a handful of months ago I was probably on the same track as your father-in-law. Luckily for me the universe stepped in - like it sometimes does - and forced me into the light. Said more bluntly, my wife found out about my crossdressing and I took that opportunity to finally come out to her after many, many years of hiding.
I think my loneliness and pain had led to my being a grumpy and mean person, but once my wife found out my secret all of that melted away and that has drawn us closer together. Words can't convey how much it means to me that I now have someone close to me that I love who is by my side as I try to find ways to get to a happier and more honest place.
Given some more time, I'm sure you would have been the same kind of gift to your father-in-law as my wife has been to me. I'm sorry that you weren't given more time with him. But instead of giving the gift directly to him, you've kind of given it all of us who read your post in his honor. So thank you for that.
Your post would be a good one to make sticky so that more people will have a chance to read it as time goes on.
P.S. My wife has an SO account here and I'm guessing she'll read this. Since it's my first post since coming out 6 or 7 months ago so I'll say hi to her - Hi!