Hey everyone, I have been having some real disturbing dreams this week. To be fair, most of my life I had disturbing or less then pleasent dreams, but in recent times and especially since moving to Manitoba and being comfortable in my skin in a place that has only ever known me as Ashley I noticed my train of thought has been far too sunny and bright. As many of you know, last monday just past I got approved from one DR to go into Winnipeg to see another for one final assesment before surgery!! to say I am happy about it is an understatement . I am beyond happy, but I think it is a healthy happy as I am well prepared for both the suregry then, pre and post! However, this week after I have been getting haunting nightmares and I am unsure if they are normal or what to make of them and they are these:
Monday night / early Tuesday morning: I had a dream that involved me and another trans female friend I met here in MB. We were at Walmart looking at something, when i discovered a note from this former friend/aquantince (who is trans) that was directed to me. It had my birth name on it, and this overwhelming anxious feeling took over. I had a panic attack and was self harming myself in front of the costumers in this dream. Very disturbing, and something that hasnt been on my way of thinking in donkey years it seems. But it was the feeling of being put back into the male ways that made that reaction happen and me waking up in disgust and fear.
Now last night something even weirder, I was dreaming and I saw me as myself. A woman, and a succsesful woman to boot. Cant recall what the dream was about but it had something to do with cosmetics and being well known and actually being a postive to others in my dream. Real good start, then out of the blue i had to go to the bathroom to do what i dread in real life, shave. I am still in the process of hair removal and sometimes mornings bring the most anxiety due to stubble i feel on face, knowing just how much testosterone left its ugly scare on me. Anyways, as i am in the bathroom I look into the mirror. I see a pre-hrt, pre-transition me. I see ''him'' and whatever good feelings i had were lost as now i am staring at ''him''. Though this had normally been a cause for me to wake up in panic or fear before, i didnt. I carried on in my dream as if I was awake wondering why am I having things I dont like. Then in my dream , or nightmare I am alertnating that I see myself as a female and getting an instant relfief then to male and getting a sinking feeling in gut. Anyways,then I have this negging feeling in me saying I am lost because I dont love myself (something that had been said to me for the first couple of years during my transition's infancy and prior to living full time 4 years ago). So next, i find myself as a male with this woman and shortly after (TW possibley, disturbed me) I become her sex slave. This is when things got real disturbing and I woke up, but as soon as I was about to wake up I started to feel more myself again (like within the next 2 seconds, myself being the normal me) while still having a hang over of the dream and the dead ''me''.
As opposed to tuesday I am feeling not soon sharp after waking up and going about my day. I feel an old yet familiar feeling and that feeling is next to that of a hang over. My arms felt weak, stomach felt sinking, i felt a sweats a bit. I ddi not like that dream. For the past few months while dreaming I have been able to see myself in my dreams as I do in real life, female. These dreams can be peaceful, but generally are rather mundane dreams which is fine by me. I kid you not many of my dreams are so mundane its like me going to work or just going to the store or having coffee time, super mundane. But nevertheless, peaceful and no nightmares of any kind.
To conclude, I am unsure what to think. I am a bit scared to go to bed tonight wondering if I will get an unpleasent dream. Tonight at 4 I am going to start a new job that can very well guide me into a red-seal apprenticship, a paid read-seal apprenticeship !!! I have never been so close to getting my foot in the door to a legit career, I am also , thanks to KathyLauren( love you girl) getting into hobby groups as I want to do more. I am probably about 5-7 months from GRS and truth be told, as I have said, I am ready and I feel euphoira over it knowing that although my transition will be concluded, my life is still young and I can be that strong woman I know I am. I also been trying to get into community support, namely transgender groups to assist people in need and for military personal on this base I am located at as a peer buddy to help people with PTSD. My goal, besides working on myself is to help others. I really want to. Yet this morning, with that hang over feeling i almost lost motivation to do the new job today and felt like giving up. I didnt, as that is not what I am anymore, but I havent felt so empty in the soul in ages.
What is wrong with me ?
I am sorry you had disturbing dreams. but I wouldn't worry too much about them. They don't really mean much; they are just your brain's way of processing stuff.
Right now, you have a lot of transitional stuff going on in your life. Gender transition stuff, such as your upcoming GRS and all the paperwork and procedures associated with that. You've got the career transition stuff: leaving your old job and starting a new one, with exciting future prospects. You've got your recent move to a new city.
While it is good stuff, it is all also a source of stress: any transition is. Stress means that your brain has to work overtime processing it. So vivid dreams are not surprising.
Not trying to be insulting, but I think you have a tendency to panic when faced with the thought of the old male you. That energy will also be present in your dreams. Don't feed it in your waking thoughts.
Just relax. Enjoy your new job. Plan your surgery.
Eeeeeep.New job was what the dr called for!! Apprenticeship on my way and everyone was impressed at what I did and how quick I learned! I had the manager, other cook of like 7 years and the waitress comment on how they liked me and my skill. The manager wanted to to pick up a shift tomorrow, I couldn't as I work at other job and have still to commit to that. She was discouraged (properword?) I couldn't pick up shift. The manager also paid for my dinner because she was impressed with my work ethic and when my mom came to pick me up she, according to my mom showered me in praise when I left to put my dishes and stuff away. I got recognized for doing something for once, oddly enough I wasn't trying to impress so much as just to do the job I was paid for. But hey I will take it, beats being ignored or just being crapped on. Also felt more connected to myself and lost much of the dysphoira :) thanks Kathy for caring!
My dream was to be a registered nurse... and I achieved it for many years. But the stress from being severely overworked caused me to have nightmares that I forgot crucial charting or medications. Even after getting on disability for crippling migraines (which caused memory loss and the very nightmares I have to become all too close a reality despite my double checking) ... caused me to realize my dream is to have learned the skills of a RN now.
Now I live as a very happy fully satisfied woman. Albeit with pains and discomforts I'd rather do without. Life is complicated like that, but it keeps it 'interesting'... may you NOT have an 'interesting' life lol.