Sorry I know this is long :(
I have condition that affected my development at puberty, a form of Klinefelter's Syndrome (xy/xxy). This caused me to develop gynecomastia at puberty and left me with underdeveloped genitalia, wide hips and no muscle development.
I was routinely ridiculed for my appearance and beaten by bullies during middle and high school. I became severely introverted and withdrawn with little confidence and no self-esteem. I did see two doctors in my late teens / early 20s, but no diagnosis of KS was made at that time, not until many years later. My testosterone was on the low end of the normal range, but still normal, and it was determined I had a micropenis and gynecomastia (which at that time was about a B cup).
I always felt I identified as female for as long as I can remember, but I sometimes wonder if I would have had those feelings if I developed normally. I knew I could never please a girl with a micropenis, and I've never been in an intimate relationship and only have had a few friends my entire life. I'm very quiet, timid and withdrawn. I felt worthless as a human being and still do to now. The world seems to evolve around sex and relationships and I feel I was cheated out of experiencing the basic aspects of life. I lost the few childhood friends I had in my early twenties when they married. People just assumed I was gay because I've never been in a relationship with a girl. I just hate people who make assumptions, but I felt I could not be open about the real issues affecting me because people would see me as a genetic freak or a leper. I was able to drudge on through life for a while by focusing on my work and hobbies, even though I've always felt severely depressed and isolated.
I became an alcoholic in my late 20s. I was still living with my parents then. I finally moved out and bought my own house when I was 30 and stopped drinking. It was then I was able to truly be Jessica. I ordered a new wardrobe and was Jessica when home. It was my safe space to be me. I knew I truly wanted to be a girl and I wanted SRS. There was a big problem though, I'm too tall. Another symptom of KS is tall stature, and I was 6ft 4in and around 185 pounds. But after several months of living in my new house alone, I began feeling severely depressed again, and extremely lonely, isolated and suicidal. I had no friends, and nobody to talk to about any of my issues. I reached out to the TG community on several forums. I made a post under the name sadgirl with my life story up to that point. This was about 14 years ago. I made several friends I communicated with online. They tried to be reassuring about being TS and 6ft 4in. But I kept beating myself over the head regarding my height and other features that weren't very feminine. I had become jealous of others. Anyone shorter than me would have a better chance of passing. It was just hopeless. People who developed normally as men and have sex and relationships as men would also get to experience being a girl as well, while I could be neither. Just a mixed up freak doomed to be alone.
I began self-medicating with hormones around this time. I was suicidal and didn't care about the dangers. I did make several close online friends in the tg community, including my best friend Wendy who lived 2000 miles away. They tried to encourage me but I still never built up the confidence to leave my house dressed.
As time went on I gradually just gave up. I couldn't get past my height. I knew I would never pass being 6ft 4in and would have a more difficult time being accepted. It would take a lot of confidence to pull it off and I have none. I had vowed to off myself if I did not make significant progress with Jessica before I turned 40 and here I was 39. I was planning my suicide and around that time my parents pushed me to adopt some feral kittens that were living behind their house. I ended up adopting two kittens. They gave me a reason to live. Soon after I phased out the hormones after self-medicating for 8 years. I tried to block the sadness of not being able to be Jessica from my mind. I had gynecomastia surgery a few years ago. I was torn. I was embarrassed to be out in public as a guy with B cup boobs, and had been wearing chest binders for several years which were uncomfortable. But I did enjoy having boobs when dressing as Jessica. The pain of not being able to be Jessica full time was too much and I just didn't want people to see me as a freak, so I had the surgery. To top it off I ended up purging most of my girl wardrobe, something I now regret :(
Now I'm finding myself losing my best and only friend Wendy. I've lost contact with everyone else. We've chatted online almost every day for the past 14 years, gaming online together and streaming movies to watch together online. It's like she was in the house with me even though she wasn't. She is the only reason I didn't off myself in my 30s and the only reason I've kept living. She did visit me at my house on three occasions over the past 14 years and stayed several months total. Probably the best times I've had in my life. She had stroke two years ago though and her health has been declining. I'm in my 40s and she is in her late 60s. When I lose her I will be completely alone and isolated from society.
I don't know how to pick up the pieces or where else to turn. I feel I don't fit in anywhere. I'm extremely suicidal at the thought of being completely alone. My whole life has been a waste and I never got to experience being in an intimate relationship or have even sex. After my gynecomastia, surgery I'm basically just a 6ft 4in "guy" with a micro-penis that no woman or gay man would want. I feel I have no choice but to commit suicide. I've been planning my methods but afraid I will end up failing at offing myself and be even worse off than I am today. My two cats will die without me but I don't know what else to do. The thought of being completely alone and isolated from society is too much for me to handle. What's the point of living life if you have nobody to share it with? It's just too painful being in an empty house alone with nobody to talk to, not even online.
Hi Jessica, welcome to Susan's! I so sorry you are feeling so sad and lonely. I know you can find support here from all of us. We all have our crosses to bear and we find a lot of understanding and love here. Please continue reaching out here, we all care for one another.
I see your new here, so I'll post some links that may help you get better acquainted with the site.
Things that you should read
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Hi Jessica, welcome to Susan's Place! We have lots of suicide prevention numbers around the site if you think you need some help with that. Generally speaking, the in-house policy is what saves the most people: If anyone commits suicide on my watch, I track them down and kill them! :laugh:
It can't be said enough times, ending your life is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. You don't know why you're put on this planet or what's going to happen to you. You don't know who'll you influence or who'll you save. But just look around here, not too many of us look like heroes, but I've seen some miraculous saves over the years here. I'd like to see you save someone someday. :)
See you around the site!
Hugs, Devlyn
Hi Jessica,
I am sorry about your friend.
I am mosaic. I was 6'3 but now am 6'2. I have a GCS procedure named after me from Dr. McGinn. The good thing about micro penis as that I was able to keep my whole glands penis for my clitoris, every nerve :) Dr. McGinn said I was lucky, first time I heard that about a micropenis. Anyhow, because I had no shaft skin I have no labia minoria. My scrotum was very small and used entirely for the vaginal canal. Anyhow, the good news is you can have GCS if you need it.
Friends, I understand, find a trans support group or two or three. People there want friends, we are family. Anyhow, I can go to a social group but it is later and I work early so some day I will take a few Fridays off to go to that group.
I am trans and do not pass 100%. I am looking to socialize more and date. If you transition socially things will be different, guaranteed. I have done things I thought I could never do. I am heading to the end of my transition and have a few more things to do. One of which is to live life to the fullest.
I understand depression and suicidal ideation and attempted suicide. When I was in need I want on a SSRI, which helped me to sleep and not feel so down. I see a gender therapist and have been since 1/12/2013. If you want to transition you need to be medically supervised and do HRT correctly.
I understand about not caring and drugs and alcohol, 19 years clean and sober.
You owe it to yourself to see a therapist and work on transphobia, shame and self hate. It took me time to realize I am a nice and good person and there is nothing wrong with me. I just need to accept me for who I am, much easier said than done.
I get that you are tall and that models are tall. Every woman I complained about being tall to said they would love to be my height. Maybe that is why they wear high heals.
Being trans is difficult but it is so much harder dealing with being trans in silence. Start by seeing a gender therapist. It was the best thing I could have done. I was so unstable I was not able to go on HRT for 5 months or go to group for 10 months. I am a world better now. I still have some body perception issues and some insecurities but I am so much better than I was 5 years ago.
Take a chance on yourself. you are worth it.
Best,
Rachel
Hi jessica_rosalia
I'm Laurie Good to meet you. Your know something hun? Just a few months ago I was feeling just as hopeless and worthless as you are now. I felt that I had lost my purpose in life and had no reason to live any more. Our reasons are different but I felt no better than you do now. My thoughts focused on methods I could use to end it all. I got to the point of having decided the how question. The where was also decided though not and exact place but I knew I would drive into one of the forests around here. The only question left was when. It's winter here and the mountain forests under the tree us ugly this time of year. I wanted to be surrounded by the beauty of the living forest. Life all around me with sounds of critters, birds in the trees, growing things and a breeze making the new leaves rustle. So my demise would have to wait until spring if I could make it that long.
I am very active here on Susan's and I was not hiding the problems I was having. I was very open about how I was feeling. I had good days and many, many bad days. The good folk here stood by me and encouraged me. They held me up. At the urging of some of then I told my therapist how I was feeling. He diagnosed me with major depression Several sisters here had already urged me to try an antidepressant if it was offered so I was ready by the time it was offered and I am now on one. Slowly it began to work and recently I stopped thinking about the how. Then thinking about doing the deed myself went away but I would still have welcomed an accident, heart attack, or even my cancer returning for the third time which I am sure will kill me. I wouldn't fight it this time if it returned. And now Jessica in the last week I think I can be okay with living again. None of the problems that made me want to die have changed. All that is different is the antidepressant having time to work and the ladies here holding on to me and not letting go. My therapist will be happy to know I'm not thinking of suicide or dying now. Now him and I will have a chance to work through my feeling of self loathing, self blame, and the loss of my marriage over 20 years ago, and more recently the rejection of my being trans and transitioning by my only child left and with her i lose my 5 grandchildren. Maybe now I will me able to accept myself finally and stop beating myself up as several folk here have said many times. Maybe I'll find hope again.
What did I tell you all this for, Jessica? Because Hun, I didn't want to be here either. I felt as bad as you are feeling. I wanted to die not very long ago at all. But Hun, I listened to others here that cared about me and I got help. I could not do it myself I needed that help and Hun you do too. If you have a therapist talk to them. If not get one. If you are on antidepressants keep taking them so they can help you like they are helping me. If they aren't helping talk to your doctor and try a different one. Jessica. life can be hard but it is worth living for. Things can always change and get better. You are younger than I am and you have lots of time for your life to get better. Please give it time to do so. Get help like I did.
Hugs,
Laurie
Let me assure you there is light at the end of the tunnel. I too have a micropenis, and late descending testicles. I am also 6'4" and 230 lbs. Down from 296. Lies, and isolation are big components of my depression for all these years. I also had gynecomastia due to taking Spiro for Congestive Heart failure for the last 25 years. Let me tell you Maria Sharapova is 6'2". Brigette Nielson 6'1", Venus Williams 6'1" Brittany Granier is 6'7" Brooke Shields 6' Geena Davis 6' Famke Janssen 6' Elle Mcpherson 6' There are a slew of celebrity women who are 5'11" and 5'10". Female basketball players avg 6'. Having said that. You may not be compared with Charlize Theron. These are only celebrities. There are over 3 billion women on earth. Do the math. YMMV but I have been on hormones the last year and a half and honestly I have never felt better about myself and at 66. I think about my future. I really didn't want a future before. I love taking care of my grand daughter. I do have my family support which makes things a lot easier as my wife an kids appreciate what I have gone through in my life. I still have a problem going out in public but get less concerned the more I do it. I have spent a good portion of my life in women's clothing. At 18 I was 6'4" 145 lbs and I have to say I was a babe. But at the time I would not step foot in public dressed in womens clothes. When I went to the support group Christmas party a cis woman who was attending came from across the room to tell me I looked stunning. Made my year. 6'4" 230 lb me. She could have been lying to me but I prefer to think not. My therapist has put my mind at ease about my height but we do have a good time talking about my size 14 feet. I hope you reconsider as we all deserve to be who we truly were meant to be. Christian talking point. God does not make mistakes. If you need someone to talk to give me a PM.
Hi Jessica, I don't have much to offer when compared to the wonderful ladies who posted before me, but I will say this... No matter how stuck you feel, you do not have to be alone. I spent most of my life between my teens and now (I'm 35) as a shut-in. It took the death of my mother, who I lived with, to force me to confront my issues, eventually leading into addressing being trans. That feeling of being alone... that fear of never having friends or finding romance... it's oppressive in the truest sense of the word. But it doesn't have to be forever.
You've come to the perfect place though, for sure. There are so many wonderful people here who, believe it or not, do understand exactly what you are going through. And be sure to spend some time reading intros, transition stories, and so forth. Look at some of the before and after pictures in the thread of that name. You may be shocked at what you find. Tall, broad shouldered, large hands... you name it, someone here has dealt with it. Sometimes it's about recognizing new priorities, in that passing 100% isn't everything. Other times, the problem simply ceases to be one.
You are not alone.
Jessica...
Welcome dear sister!!! My name is Ashley... I want you to know that you have arrived in a wonderful place where magic happens every day...You fit in here just fine... You are amongst some very loving, supportive people and we share many common threads in our lives... By writing this first post... You have demonstrated to me that there is hope inside of you...You can do a lot with just a little hope... It is powerful stuff... You put your life into words so that others who are strangers can know you... So they can know your pain... and maybe... just maybe...help.... Hope sending up a signal flare...
Stay here with us here Jessica...We are anxious to share your challenges, help as we can and celebrate your victories to come... As you come to know us better you will see many of us who have been at the point where you are now...celebrating the fact that we held on... when holding on was hard... We kept moving forward and have built glorious lives... Stay here and see that the impossible ISN'T impossible...
Onward we go brave sister!!!
Hugs!!!
Ashley 😀❤️🌻
Hi Jessica,
Sweetie, welcome home. The folk on the chat channel are all members here, and by default, lovely. There's always someone around day or night, thanks to the joys of time zones.
If you do a search around the not too distant past, you'll see my story and my current position (thankfully my drugs are now working better, and the threat of a stay in a psychiatric unit has passed).
We are all here for you, and your journey - even if it's just companionship - nobody should feel alone, and we do understand.
(Hugs)
Rowan
Thanks everyone.
Just not sure what to do at this point. I now regret having the gynecomastia surgery and losing my B cup breasts and purging my wardrobe. I sometimes feel myself maybe wanting to try again and be Jessica and transition. But after the surgery and removal of breast tissue I'm not sure I would achieve breast growth with hormones.
I mainly just don't want to be alone. I think I would be ok living as I am, maybe gender fluid and Jessica while home if I had close friends who i could confide in about myself and not be judged or ridiculed. I enjoy gaming online and watching movies and TV several nights a week with my sis Wendy (fyi - https://www.rabb.it is a nice platform for watching video online with friends). It's the extreme loneliness and isolation i fear the most though if losing her.
I still chat with her most everyday but fear I could lose her at any moment and left completely alone. It's why I wanted to reach out before that happened. I would like to have friends near me but it's difficult because I feel I don't fit in anywhere. It seems most people here are in some process of transition and if I decide to not try again, I don't know how well I would be accepted.
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Hi Again Jessica,
I just wanted to let you know that you are welcome here whether you are transitioning or not. We enjoy having folk here that are at any state of transition from not doing it at all to those that have gone all the way with it. We have young and older like (myself) and we have significant others that are supporting a loved one and/or need some support themselves. This transgender thing affects those that are near and dear to us also. All the flavors of trans are represented here also. So Hun, I'm sure you will find a place among us to fit yourself in. We're glad you are here.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: jessica_rosalia on January 23, 2018, 01:00:45 PM
It seems most people here are in some process of transition and if I decide to not try again, I don't know how well I would be accepted.
As Laurie said, you 100% absolutely, positively would always be welcome and accepted. Just because you feel you can't transition or that transition isn't right for you, doesn't mean you are suffering any less, are any less trans, or deserve any less compassion than people who are.
This forum... it's not about navigating a social movement... it's not about deciding who is or isn't transgender or prioritizing any group of trans over another... it's about providing support, plain and simple, to people with any of a myriad of associations with being transgender or even simply non-conforming. So many people here have been through so much, and I am constantly in awe at their strength, and their willingness to share that strength.
Hi Jessica. Many, many of the people here have been where you are now, feeling alone and like giving up. You don't really want to leave, you're just tired and emotionally worn out. Keep talking here, people are listening and keep the dialogue going until you start to feel the fog lift, and it will if you stay engaged. If you can, get a book called "Born Both" by Hida Valoria. I think her story will engage you and you'll feel less alone. If you can't get a copy, let me know and we'll arrange a way for me to send it to you. Never give up, you're worth more than that. Hugs, Toni
See Jessica, I know my sisters here and their want to help proved true. Engaging in conversation here is a big help not just for you, but also myself and everyone here. Might I point out also that a number of trans-men here have vital insight that is very helpful.
Hugs from another Jessica
Thanks everyone
Hugs xxx
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