How to be patient?
I sent the email yesterday to my dad. I didn't know how to put a read recipe on it, so I do t know if he got it. I told him he didn't need to respond right away, that I would appreciate him letting me know when he got it. Nothing so far.
I know my mom outed me to my father's girlfriend the weekend before. I spoke to him during the intervening week, mostly because I didn't know he knew yet.
My anxiety is almost at panic mode. I am trying so hard to stay busy and calm. I could definitely use some support.
This is the letter I sent. Also you should probably know my dad is a physician and 73.
Dear Dad,
First and formost I want to say how much I love you. You have been a big insperation to me. I cannot ever begin to thank you for the love and support you have given me over the years.
This letter is emotional and very personal. You should probably read it when you have time to really process it. Also, don't feel the need to respond right away. I would appreciate you letting me know you got it, though.
So getting around to business. I have long experienced gender dysphoria. (I wont bore you with the definition, because I figure you know the term, or can guess what it means.) It has gotten progressively worse over the years. It has reached a point where it interferes with my daily life. I cringe when people refer to me by female pronouns. I can't explain why. I have searched for logic and rationality, but the best explanation is that it is just who I am.
This may be something you have noticed in the past few years, but I really want you to know it goes back much much further. As a kid of about 6 I remember being offended when mom would tell me things like "You'll make it because you're a girl." You know I've never been frufru. For most of my life I have costumed rather than dressed, because I always felt I was in a costume.
For a few years now I have been trying to reconcile my self identity. I have been trying to figure out if I could continue to live as a female, maybe a little more butch than most. I have dropped hints. I have tested the waters. I still deeply fear rejection. However, I have to take a chance on me. I have to take the chance that you, and the rest of the world, really want to know who I am.
To be honest, I am not 100% sure of my gender. All I know for certain is that female feels very wrong. Perhaps I will settle on non-binary, Androgyne, or Female To Male. I know that I do desire at least some form of medical transition.
I am already taking testosterone. It is absolutely amazing. I have never felt so calm in my entire life. The emotional stability it has brought me is beyond anything any antidepressant or mood stabilizer has ever done. For the most part I am really enjoying the physical changes too. ( Although I could do with a little less body hair. I believe it is from you that I get the goat genes.)
I know this is a tough road, but the road I was traveling before was no picnic. The walk is so much easier with supportive friends and family. I hope you can accept me. I love you dearly and want you in my life.
There are a lot of resources out there. I have a lot of Audio-books I could recommend. Biographies, memoirs, resources for clinicians, and stories from parents. I am sure you can find all sorts of research, but I can direct you to some as well. I'll send a few links in the bottom of this email.
Love you,
Pao
PS. If you heard it threw the grapevine, I am sorry. I wasn't thrilled with how things went with mom and Frank, and I wanted to do better with you. I figure this way you will have time to process without me being there and I can give more info than just a text. (Links below)
WebMD
https://www.webmd.com/a-to-z-guides/features/transgender-what-it-means#1
Ted Talk about a guy and his trans son. Only 21.49 minutes
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GW8Plf_IXGs
I have a copy of this in my audible account I can send you for free. All you need to do is download audible, and you can listen to it free of charge. I also have the one written for Teens.
https://www.amazon.com/Transgender-Child-Handbook-Families-Professionals/dp/1573443182
Transitions of the Heart - Stories about mom's and their trans children. I have a copy of this on Audible as well.
https://www.amazon.com/Transitions-Heart-Struggle-Acceptance-Transgender/dp/1573447889
I can imagine what you must be feeling, sweetie.
*big hug*
Those butterflies have grown to mutated, post-apocalyptic proportions huh?
If it were me, I would give him the weekend at least. I'm terrible for reading my emails. To the point where sometimes I have to be reminded to do so, because it's just not a habit I ever really got into. Give him the weekend and then maybe think about a polite reminder.
There's also the possibility that he read it and is just trying to take in everything before saying anything. Which may be a good sign. If he's read it then not going thermonuclear in the first 10 seconds might mean he's trying to understand what you're telling him.
In either case, hang in there, sweetie. And whatever happens, remember that you CAN deal with it, okay? You can get through it. *extra hug*
I hope everything goes well!!
Thanks so much!
I really hope he has already read it and is grappling with what to say. It means he didn't flip out and evict me from his rental house right away.
My fear is that he hasn't checked his email yet, and I am still just waiting for the shoe to drop. That is is what is keeping me on pins and needles.
I tried face to face with my mom and it felt like I was invading her time to deal emotionally. I tried text with my brother, and felt like I didn't offer him enough info. Do I felt email was better, but the waiting game is awful. I have been afraid to contact my dad all weekend.
Still haven't heard.
What do you guys think of the letter?
I liked the letter. It certainly gets the message across, and it is non-confrontational. Any parent should want their children to be happy above all else. I hope your dad recognizes that and understands this is what you need to find your happiness. We are all pulling for you!
Quote from: Pao on February 04, 2018, 04:29:32 PM
Still haven't heard.
What do you guys think of the letter?
It was very good I felt!
Update sorta
So this afternoon I got a text from my dad's fiancé. She said he told her I said the heat was still broken at our place. It is, but I told him that Wednesday.
Should I take it as a good sign that he still wants to fix the heat?
If it took him that long to get around to mentioning the heat; maybe he still hasn't read his email?
I really hope this isn't one of those things he is just going to pretend doesn't exist.
Maybe he is punishing me for not telling him when I told my mom and brother? If so I sure hope he doesn't intend to make me wait a whole month.
I am cracking up here. Thank goodness I have a support group tonight.
At this point, I'd just ask outright if he's read it, it's been a while and if they are talking about random stuff like the heat that seems odd. Don't put yourself through the waiting game when nothing might even be happening!
If you can't ask directly see if you can have someone ask for you, his fiance maybe? I know my dad did not want to talk to me directly about being trans at first. Now it's okay though.
Bari Jo