Hey everyone. First post here. I googled how to tell my wife I'm transgender and ended up here. Sorry this is going to be long. First a little history. I remember being curious about "girly" things from about age 4. I wanted a baby doll and my parents indulged me. Her name was Christie. By the time I was 6 my parents had divorced and my mom had remarried. My stepfather did not like me acting or doing anything girly. I learned it was bad and tried to be a good little boy. When I was 10 we moved in with grandparents and my grandfather was like my stepdad on steroids when it came to "making a man out of me". My mom and stepdad divorced when I was 11 and we moved out of my grandparents' house when I was 12. Puberty hit and noticing the changes I and my peers were going through awoke my curiosity again. I took a few things out of my mom's closet that I knew she wouldn't miss and would dress up after school before she got home from work, always being very careful to have everything put away before she got home. At 14 I dressed as a girl for Halloween. My parents thought it was funny but otherwise didn't say anything. I continued dressing in secret all through high school but my sister was getting older and I would have to babysit her after school most days so it was difficult.
At 19 I decided it was time for this stupid crossdressing phase to end. It was time to be a grownup and this didn't fit. I'm sure my conservative, conformist family had a lot to do with this decision. I only had a couple of outfits and a bit of makeup so it wasn't a huge deal. If only we'd had the internet back then but c'est la vie. I didn't have a name for my female side back then but I put her in a box for almost two decades all the same.
A little over five years ago she climbed out of the box and said "remember me?" At first I was confused and angry. Who the hell did she think she was showing up after all this time like nothing had happened? I tried once again to deny her existence, to put her back in her box, maybe with a sturdier lid this time. But with age comes wisdom and I soon realized that wasn't going to work. Well now it was the 21st century and we had the internet, so I set out to find what it all meant. I bought some of my own clothes and makeup and started experimenting again. Although those photos make me cringe it was an important step. I decided that if I was going to do this, my female side needed a name. My mom once told me that if I had been a girl she would have named me Jennifer. So that's the name I chose.
A few months later I met the woman who would become my wife. I didn't think much of my female side at the time because I was still trying to figure out what was going on. Once things got serious I knew I had to tell her about this part of me. But it was almost Christmas so I said I'd do it after. Best laid plans and all that. We were at a family gathering at my aunt's house and I was showing her some pics I'd taken of my sister and nephew. She swiped back one too far and found a picture I thought I'd deleted. Thankfully we were on our way out the door at the time but she asked me on the way out to the car if I was a crossdresser. She had told me never to lie to her because her ex did all the time so I came clean. She thought I was joking at first but I will never forget the look that came across her face when she realized I was serious. It was a long car ride home and when we got to her house I thought she was going to tell me drop her off and never talk to her again. I wouldn't have held it against her. But she didn't. She asked me lots of questions that night. Was I gay? No. Did I want to become a woman? No (because at the time I really thought that). By the next morning we'd figured out what it meant for our relationship and it became a standard don't ask don't tell arrangement. By this time it was January 2014. I had come out to a very dear female friend about three months prior. I made arrangements to visit her and her husband in Los Angeles (I live in San Diego) at the end of the month. It was Jennifer's coming out party, her first time in public. I bought a new wig and some new clothes and spent two days in LA as Jennifer. We went to an art museum and then that night bar hopping in West Hollywood. This may have been the beginning of the end. :)
When I got back my girlfriend was curious and asked to see pics. Of course I obliged. Her reaction was mixed but she didn't run screaming. She had the same conservative whitebread upbringing as I did so it wasn't a surprise. She's also very concerned about what others think of her. This will be important later. I continued to build my wardrobe and confidence throughout 2014 but only got in public two more times. In November she moved in with me.
She went out with Jennifer for the first time in May of 2015. We went to my favorite gay/transgender bar and I could tell she was a bit unsettled by all the other trans girls that were there. A couple of my friends were there and I made the mistake of mostly talking to them and ignoring my girlfriend. She said lots of very not nice words to me on the way home and didn't go out with me again for a year and a half. I continued to go out maybe once every month or two by myself or with friends. By this time I had made a separate Facebook for Jennifer so I could meet friends locally. I did not hide this from my girlfriend. I made every effort to be transparent so she didn't think I was hiding anything.
2016 was a great year for Jennifer. I started seeing a therapist about my gender issues. I got out at least once a month and my presentation improved immensely. My girlfriend and I got married in December after having a long talk about whether I wanted to transition or not. I told her not right now but I couldn't make any promises about the future. She asked if that was a gamble she would have to take if she married me and I said we were both taking that gamble. Of course at that point I expected that "the future" wouldn't rear its ugly head for a few years. So we drove to Vegas and tied the knot.
In 2017 I started going out twice a month when schedule and finances permitted and it was also the year I became comfortable with going out in mainstream public as Jennifer. My wife had come a long way in her acceptance by now and was of the opinion that she loved me and if that meant she had to put up with Jennifer now and then that was OK. By the end of the year her red line was I won't be intimate with you as a woman and if you transition I'm leaving. I assured her I was 98% sure I didn't want to. Except that figure may have been a bit high because I'd already been thinking I needed more Jenn time. Now in 2018 my therapist has switched her schedule so that I see her on Saturday. Which means it's almost always Jenn who goes. Two weeks ago I spent the whole rest of the day as Jennifer and went to lunch and clothes shopping after my appointment. My wife was a bit irritated with me for this but she got over it. This past Saturday I came right home afterward and had to take everything off because we were going to meet friends. I mentioned to my wife that it makes me sad when my girl time only lasts a couple of hours. She didn't take it well. My therapist and I had discussed my need to be Jennifer more and I had told her that if I were single I'd be doing entire weekends by this point so that I could experience normal life as a woman, not just going out shopping or with friends. Seeing my wife's reaction I kind of dropped the subject but I've been thinking about it all weekend. <y therapist and I both agree that Jennifer needs to come out more but I don't know how to talk to my wife about it. She has been dealing with depression because she was unemployed for almost a year (she finally got a job last week). She has really bad anxiety and always assumes the worst. And the sad thing is that I think it's a lot more likely that transition is in my future than I did even a year ago. And I feel like a jerk for that. My wife has come so far in her acceptance of Jennifer, even going out with her multiple times in 2017, sometimes even during that day. And now I have to tell her that even all that isn't enough. I love her very much and if we can't be together because of this it will break my heart. And hers. I know I would be very sad but would eventually be able to move on. I'm not sure I can say the same about her. She tells me all the time that she's glad she found her happily ever after with me after kissing so many frogs and I think pulling that rug out from under her would destroy her.
If you're still reading, thanks. If I'd known this a year and a half ago I wouldn't have asked her to marry me. But I thought I was just a guy who needed to be a girl sometimes. Now it looks like I might be a woman pretending to be a man and it kills me that I may have to hurt my wife through no fault of her own. She always says that wants a husband and not a wife and that she's not a lesbian so I'm not hopeful she would decide to stick around. We don't have kids so at least that's not a worry but it's still not ideal.
You're in a better space than I am. I've known I was trans for over 30 years, but never had the courage. I lived as gay for several years in my early 20's, then lived in Asia for 14, in the process getting married and we have two children. 5 months ago the girl I thought I'd boxed good and tight burst out for good and all and I had no choice but to transition. The timing was unfortunate, given my wife and kids were overseas for two months!
So... as HRT does its thing and the Women I should have always been becomes stronger the family ties get weaker. I'm fairly sure at some point the line will be crossed and that will be that. However, there is no stopping the transition train now. I made that call, it will most likely end in divorce, but for me at least my true self will not be contained.
Its going to be hard. As transition continues you'll likely meet more resistance. If you are lucky, She will adapt and things might work out ok. Be strong, true to yourself and your vision, and hold out hope that it will work out for the best - because it will, one way or the other.
Its a hard call, but hang on in there because there will be light at the end of the tunnel. I also learned that somethings can't be contained and trying only makes it worse.
Hi, Jennifer!
Welcome to Susan's.
I wish I could tell you that it will get better. In the long term, it can. But in the short term, it is going to be difficult for a while.
You have to be who you are, and your wife has to be who she is. Not every woman can switch to being a lesbian overnight. It sounds to me like you are well on your way to making a decision about which way you want to go. Now she has to make her decision.
I can't speak from experience, because my wife was able to make the switch. I know that there lots of ladies here who are in a similar position to you, and who can give you their perspectives.
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Jennifer,
Transition is a journey and a long one. Medically transitioning takes months or years. You can slow it down by taking lower dosages. The end result is ultimately the same though.
Talk to your wife about seeing either your therapist or another gender therapist to help her understand what's going on. You could start a low dose of T-blockers (spironolactone for example). That won't feminize your body but it would give both of you a taste of things to come. Your body needs some form of hormone or bad things start happening in the long term. Do prolonged use (measured in months) is not recommended but you may get some of the mental benefits.
Low dosages would give her the opportunity to either accept what's is happening or not. It would also help you to know if it's right for you. Physical changes take time to be outwardly visible.
I won't paint a pretty picture here; you're in for an up hill battle. My 31 year marriage ended a few months ago. One thing I can say is that we're still friends and get together on occasion. She understands that's it's not what I wanted BUT it was what I HAD to do.
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Jennifer,
What a tough position we find ourselves in. I was married to my wife for nearly 25 years with three kids before I realized what I was. I was terrified.
I finally spoke to her and it took her a day or so but she has slowly stayed along with me for the ride. I can say when I first told her she said she could not promise me she could stay with me if I transitioned fully. I told her I was not sure how far I would have to go. She continued with "Because you know I'm not a Lesbian..." I said I knew and understood. We have made things work so far. Last year I got to a very dark time. When we spoke she told me I had to do what was best. Additionally, a she realized that it was not a man she fell in love with but this person. As we have continued she has become one of my supporters. She has used the phrase(jokingly) "Well you should get me stuff to make up for me turning into a lesbian for you."
I am not saying this will happen. I have been so lucky with my family, thus far. I can tell you that the key to our success has been constant communication. She is not overjoyed I am transitioning. I don't know how she will be when I approach decisions with her about surgery. However, she has always been my best friend. She looked up when I came in the room last night. I was wearing a new hair band she got me and said, "Wow. Your really are pretty. But don't forget the bargain, you can't become prettier than me." I am not sure that what she saw was and attractive, pretty woman. I think she saw the happiness that this journey has brought me and that showing through her person.
I guess what I am saying by all this. If she wants to make it work she can. It just needs to be little steps with communications open the whole time.
I wish you love, acceptance and a smooth path.
With warmth,
Jacqui
My story was similar. I actually made three attempts at transitioning, in 1982, 1989 and 1999. Each time something stopped me and I put the girl away and silently promised her, "someday." Then when I was 42 my best friend died suddenly from a heart attack. The beautiful, tough girl within sensed time running out and went to war for her life.
After eleven years of chest pains, irregular heartbeats, high blood pressure, panic attacks, repeated trips to the emergency room, cardiac tests, nothing physically wrong, and things getting worse, I was spent. Male me fell apart as I raked away a lifetime of denials and realized that the girl was me and what had broken down was my ability to maintain the charade of being male.
FWIW, compromising your identity in order to stay married is not good. You will go into old age feeling festering resentment. I know getting divorced sucks, but being stuck in a box for the rest of your life is worse.
Best to just be honest with yourself and your SO. Otherwise, 20 years from now do you want to live with the constant temptation to say to her, "I gave up transitioning for you?"
Quote from: CarlyMcx on February 12, 2018, 09:07:00 PM
After eleven years of chest pains, irregular heartbeats, high blood pressure, panic attacks, repeated trips to the emergency room, cardiac tests, nothing physically wrong, and things getting worse, I was spent. Male me fell apart as I raked away a lifetime of denials and realized that the girl was me and what had broken down was my ability to maintain the charade of being male.
Add alcohol abuse and this describes me too..
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Jennifer,
I know when I was trying to come out to my wife back in 2015, I
was absolutely terrified that it would end in disaster and by life with her
would be ruined, but we are still together today. We are both in therapy
which is very important thing. It is a difficult road becoming the person
you were always supposed to be in life but things often don't live up to your
worst case scenarios. People are much more loving and understanding then
you expect.
All the best,
Kath
Jennifer, at least you haven't gone through what a lot here have. Attempting suicide in order to bury her seems extreme, but many of us have tried it. Some have done that to try to escape the pain of being in the wrong body. Having to face the fact that it is part of us is not easy. Trying to deny it can be much worse.
Do what you have to, for yourself. Your life might fall apart, but can be rebuilt, and can be much better.
Thanks for the replies everyone. I know I have to have this conversation with her soon. I just have to choose my words very carefully. I'm not looking forward to it but I am looking forward to exploring being Jennifer more afterward.
Hi, Jennifer. For some odd reason, your story vaguely reminds me of the film 'the Danish Girl'. I'm only 17, and I lack a lot of wisdom, but I truly do empathize with you. I am happy that your wife has gained a lot of acceptance, and seeing how patient she seems, she truly must love you--which is a special thing. It hurts to be so conflicted, and my heart really goes out to you. Jennifer deserves to shine through, but I bet it must be hard--for you and your wife both.
I wish the best for you, and I hope that in the future you and your wife come to an agreement of sorts. I think love knows no boundaries, and I have the assumption that if you do transition, things might actually end up alright. What's important is that you take other's happiness into consideration, but you also take YOUR happiness into consideration. I, myself, was way to worried of my family and brother's comfort before I transitioned. I put on a masculine, sporty facade that was nothing BUT a facade. This sounds harsh, but one day your dysphoria/feelings to be Jennifer may hit rock bottom...and Jennifer may pop out for good. It is very unhealthy to suppress who you truly are, especially when being who you truly are brings you so much happiness in this world.
i shall pray to the higher good that all goes well for you, and that your wife can learn to love Jennifer as much as she loves you. That your wife can learn to love you AS Jennifer. I hope my words meant something, because my heart truly does go out to you (did I already say that?)
Good luck,
Reece
Welcome, welcome... The point of no return isn't so bad, just don't try to return! >:-)
Kidding aside, I went through a really long phase of debating whether or not I should transition, it helped that I had a dream that really put things in perspective for me, it was kind of like visiting the inside of my brain, and there was a girl there locked in a cage with all the nice things she could ever want, but still curled in a little ball in the corner sobbing, took me a few days to figure out she was just another part of me that I wasn't letting out to do anything fun!
Still haven't really fixed that problem, but it's getting much, much better for her, the door's open when she's ready to step out. >.> Sometimes she does but then runs right back in there...
From reading the posts here, it was good you told your wife the truth early on, if you do decide to take the plunge so to speak... It's probably best to tell her everything once you know for sure, if you were to lie, and it comes out later (it will), it'll be 100x worse than if you just didn't know in the past. Won't sugar coat it though, that particular ultimatum (no transition or she leaves) seems to be not just an empty threat quite often, I'd say around half the time when I read a story like that on here the s/o bears with it, and it turns into a wonderful union, the other half of the time not so much, but a common thread in almost all of the fail stories seems to be lies early on in the process. Every lie you tell a loved one will hurt them more than the last, and that's all I can guarantee on the subject...