Hello,
Transition has been the best thing I've ever done, but as I cross the gender line I get the feeling that I'm walking further into the unknown. In that, the more I become me, the less I fit in the social construct that until now has been my life. I've talked to my wife and eldest daughter about what happens in the future and its likely the household splits at some point and the girls go wth Mum, who being hostile to my transition is sure to make things as difficult as possible.
At work, everyone is supportive and welcoming, but at the same time don't understand what it is to stand in the crowd and be different enough that it becomes hard to make social and emotional connections, which is a pity because the further I walk this path the more I need friends around me. Before I could have lived on a mountain and never met a soul and still be happy - no more.
I worry as if (likely when) the family split happens I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. The marriage as such has ended already and as much as it surprises me I miss having someone who gives a damn about me who isn't a dependent or a parent...
There is no real LGBT community here really so it feels like I'm standing alone and pushing myself further from my family - with no choice because I must to stay sane. Don't think there is any resolution but time, and things tend to work out better than you think they do, but today its hard to see future in the positive - I'm sure tomorrow will be all good again.
Hello Krobinson103, an interesting handle, do you have a easier nick name that is comfortable?
I am Tia Anne and have been on my self realization journey for about three years now. I am saddened to hear of the conflict and possible break up of you marriage, a tough thing to endure when your internal world is shifting so much. Sadly this is not an uncommon story in our community.
I can very much relate to the loneliness of your journey. Over the past year or two I have become more and more aware of the absolute need of a caring tribe or family to share life with, one that understands without the questions, conditions or attempts to fix you. I have been slowly gathering a small group of dear friends that I can both laugh with or lean on when needed. Local support groups can be a source of tribe but you say that there is not one in your area. The sisters and brothers here on Susan's can help out a lot. You have joined this site and as you give us time to get to know you, you will become part of our family. We do take care of our own so please do what you can to form bond and connection. Please feel free to pm me if you want or need to share.
Hugs,
Tia Anne
Honestly ive never truly fit into the social construct always been somewhat of a loner, i am lonely and i dont have many real life friends anyway, before even HRT, ive always had sort of a fairly Androgynous body even when i appear more masculine its looked kinda feminine
But still ive been thinking about that change recently, its like OK Christy you want to be female, but thats a big life changing event, even if people have trouble with your gender already sometimes, its still such a huge life altering event the more i research it, the more it scares me actually but still i keep researching
and again i agree, before i had just gotten so use to being alone/lonely, that i came to accept it, thats the way it was meant to be for me, but the more i think about my journey transitioning the more i think i dont want to be alone anymore, i realize that my journey up until now hasnt worked for me one bit
I am also lonely in the fact that IRL i am still in the closet
I completely get the feeling lonely in a crowd, usually i just look down at my feet
Quote from: Anne Blake on February 12, 2018, 03:38:47 PM
Hello Krobinson103, an interesting handle, do you have a easier nick name that is comfortable?
I am Tia Anne and have been on my self realization journey for about three years now. I am saddened to hear of the conflict and possible break up of you marriage, a tough thing to endure when your internal world is shifting so much. Sadly this is not an uncommon story in our community.
I can very much relate to the loneliness of your journey. Over the past year or two I have become more and more aware of the absolute need of a caring tribe or family to share life with, one that understands without the questions, conditions or attempts to fix you. I have been slowly gathering a small group of dear friends that I can both laugh with or lean on when needed. Local support groups can be a source of tribe but you say that there is not one in your area. The sisters and brothers here on Susan's can help out a lot. You have joined this site and as you give us time to get to know you, you will become part of our family. We do take care of our own so please do what you can to form bond and connection. Please feel free to pm me if you want or need to share.
Hugs,
Tia Anne
Thank you. My handle comes from the ID I used to make an email address years ago based on my name. It just fits. :) Kelly works just fine since its my name (and gender neutral at that - handy!) Been here for a while now. Just felt particularly... dark today for some reason.
Quote from: Christy Lee on February 12, 2018, 04:02:25 PM
Honestly ive never truly fit into the social construct always been somewhat of a loner, i am lonely and i dont have many real life friends anyway, before even HRT, ive always had sort of a fairly Androgynous body even when i appear more masculine its looked kinda feminine
But still ive been thinking about that change recently, its like OK Christy you want to be female, but thats a big life changing event, even if people have trouble with your gender already sometimes, its still such a huge life altering event the more i research it, the more it scares me actually but still i keep researching
and again i agree, before i had just gotten so use to being alone/lonely, that i came to accept it, thats the way it was meant to be for me, but the more i think about my journey transitioning the more i think i dont want to be alone anymore, i realize that my journey up until now hasnt worked for me one bit
I am also lonely in the fact that IRL i am still in the closet
I completely get the feeling lonely in a crowd, usually i just look down at my feet
I'm pretty well living full time out now, most people would id me as female. That's driving the tension at home. I feel much more confident than ever in my life in terms of interaction etc, but the loss of 14 years of a stormy, but constant relationship hurts a bit right now.
Quote from: krobinson103 on February 12, 2018, 01:07:55 PM
...There is no real LGBT community here really so it feels like I'm standing alone and pushing myself further from my family - with no choice because I must to stay sane. Don't think there is any resolution but time, and things tend to work out better than you think they do, but today its hard to see future in the positive - I'm sure tomorrow will be all good again.
Kelly,
Try to keep your spirits up, cherish the time with your daughters, make for many good times as possible, keep fond memories, make new friends over time, and keep a good set of thoughts for the future. I can tell it is tough for you.
Chrissy
Kelly,
Sorry about your difficult struggle in your marriage. I have been very fortunate that way, as my
wife has stayed with me and we still love each other very much. I understand your loneliness at work
as I have had a similar situation there. I came out at work over a year ago now and it has been very
hard. It has not helped that the woman I came out to first and who supported my so completely in
the beginning has turned on me.. becoming hostile and abusive. Work has become very depressing.
Be careful who you choose as your mentor. Sorry, I'm venting my own crap now!
I try and force myself to interact with people, which is not easy since I'm very introverted and they aren't
sure how to act around me. If I don't , I know the isolation will only get worse.
I hope things get better for you at work.
Kath
Kelly...I found this early on, when I first came here. It is one of the best letters I have seen. The author is FTM but is so genuine. I don't know if you can use this in your situation but perhaps you can cut and paste to help your wife understand.
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,104243.msg780226.html#msg780226