Guess I had to experience this, to wear this like a badge or something, to share the experience. It just hurts so badly.
Some man started to question me on the train if I'm a woman or man. Then he started to laudly tell about surgical procedures and this and that. I managed to listen to him a moment or two, before just loosing completely any self-restrain that I had. My mouth was like a machine gun throwing insults at him...I was yelling at the train, that show me what you got in your pants if you want to know what is in my pants or go home wanking your tiny tiny cock.
If he would have had a gun or a knife, I would be dead now and while insulting there him I understood, that I might get killed now, but my only thought was that what do I care, do I need to listen to this BS and not defend myself.
He threated to follow me to home, but I don't know if he got scared of me screaming that I will call the police if he follows me even an inch or the fact, that I probably didn't come out as a even remotely stable person and he was getting worried that I might kill him, but he finally stayed at the train.
I wont survive alive many more encounters like this. This was my first and I don't want to experience a second.
I just feel so depressed, I'm way too old, I will never look like a woman, never. It is too late, too many years went by. And I don't want to live like this, to listen to that BS for the rest of my life from some strangers in a train.
Almost cancelled all appointments to gender clinic, laser, therapy this and that and almost threw hormones away. Nothing will change this body anymore, I just lie to myself and it hurts.
It really hurts so badly.
I wouldn't want to start waking up at 4 am to have time to put make-up on, so that I can travel to work in darkness and then can travel back at home, again in darkness. I would like to be without make-up and not to put it on always when I leave home.
This just shattered any self-confidence that I had. I was thinking of calling sick tomorrow, I just can't face the idea of going anywhere from home now.
Ironically one of the modes we learn in martial arts as self defense... is to act psychotically unstable. I think you succeeded, and managed to scare him off. Other methods are befriending, walking away, defending yourself, etc. While you may have regretted your responses later realize it also might have saved your life too.
I feel the hurt and I'm so sorry you had that encounter.
I can't give advice about whether you should or shouldn't react or if it's safe or not, I can however give my opinion on you:
Take the hard road. Instead of doing what it makes you feel like, gather yourself up, dress up, and makeup to the best you can, and hold your head up and proud for your next work trip to and from. Do that for yourself! That is you, not what someone else sees.
just my thoughts on that.
Mendi,
I am so sorry this happened to you. This fool was clearly violating you. It is something I have feared but not experienced. Logically, I would not give this guy any power by changing one thing that you do. Emotionally, it is, of course, not that simple. I know that swearing off the things we are driven to do as trans people is a dead end street. It doesn't work. Perhaps it would be worth speaking to a professional to work through the feelings you are having. I hope you feel the support in your life. In my small way, I offer mine. Hugs, Girl, it will get better!
Moni
If you need a day off from work then you should take it. That was wrong what he did and provoking the response he did. The most important thing is that you're safe and please know we are here for you.
I think it's completely normal for us to want to defend ourselves and lash out in these situations. We have so many people we care about deeply not understand sometimes sadly. We try to stay composed with the ones we love. But a nasty stranger? No ma'am.
Hope you feel better soon. If you need time than that's okay you deserve it!
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Hi Mendi,
The only thing I think I might have done differently is to not let the conversation happen in the first place. I have a great flight tendency though and would have said nothing and move away from him. If he was to follow or harass I would have went to someone I could report him to.
I said "thing I would do" because I have not been confronted myself so I have no direct knowledge of it. The closest I came to it was some jerk in a store calling to his lady friend and saying he didn't know the store provided entertainment. I never acknowledged him or looked to see what he may have been talking about. That allowed me to believe he may not have been talking about me. But he probably was. It gave me the real possibility to believe he wasn't. And since I don't know, he wasn't as far as I was concerned.
I understand that a direct confrontation can be horrible but Hun you cannot let an ignorant fool get to you. If you do they win. You are too precious as the woman you are, now just believe in that,Mendi. You are who is important in your own life, not some jerk on the train.
Hugs,
Laurie
I can't believe how brave you are. I have had that happen and I never said a word and I don't know what would have happened if a young Amish man would not have interrupted. When I got beat up 2 1/2 years ago I never said a word. When people have said how brave I am I always say that I am not even a little brave, I have been terrified every step of the way.
How long have you been on hormones? It takes a while. My face probably didn't change much until about 2 years in. The fat redistribution and muscle loss didn't start until 3 years. Now I have hips, ugly muffin top hips but they are hips and my muscles are fading fast.
I started hormones 2 weeks after my 45th birthday, I am now 48. Some days I have doubts but most of the time I seem to pass. Even the days I worry no one treats me other than female. I feel lucky with my transition most days, like it could have turned out differently, even when it was the worst though giving up was not a possibility. It was never going away, this or death so I kept going forward.
It hurts, I wish I could share the pain so it wouldn't hurt so much for you. You can do this, you can. We are here to help as we can along the way.
Hugs
Mendi,
Could you have handled that better sure, but I know I can't say I would have handled any better if it were me. I think we've all gone off the rails in our own ways and got ourselves into potentially dangerous situations. but you are doing the responsible and smart thing by reflection on what you did to improve. I mean isn't that sorta the whole point of HRT to change into a more genuine and better version of ourselves? I make more than my fair share of mistakes, sometimes with costly repercussions but I try to grow from each one.
The only thing I'm gonna say about the whole being too old or whatever is girl you deserve to be happy reguardless of age.
I looked at your ticker and it only says 3 months on hrt, love you haven't given them time to do their job let alone the doctors to get your dosages right or even up to right so to say they can't, especially combined with all the options that are covered by insurance now seems a bit overzealous. The other thing about being on HRT is that for most, including myself it increases emotional depth and learning to deal with that is hard. I mean essentially you are dealing with puberty while still expected to be an adult at the same time.
I just really think if I knew you for real I would want to meet the most genuine version of you possible and I think we owe it not only to those around us but ourselves to strive to be that person, no matter how many times we have to pick ourselves back up.
<3 Jessica
Sweetie, you get people like that no matter who you are, what you do, what you don't do. It's a reflection of them, not you, okay?
What happened, happened. You can't change that. But you can change how you approach such things in the future. If I could give some advice based on my own experiences... people like that generally make themselves look like fools if given the opportunity. They are so arrogant and self absorbed that they think everyone around them will be totally into their little tirade. When often the reverse is true and all it serves to do is to make them look like they should be pulling a plough in a field back in the middle ages.
I always think of something I heard a long time ago. "Don't fight fire with fire. Use water, like firefighters do." And 99 times out of 100 it works a charm. People don't have any idea what to do if you don't swallow the bait, because that's what they're expecting. That's the whole point of it.
You're worth more than rising to their bait, sweetie. You don't have to dignify them with a response. You are not too old for anything. You're not, okay? If that is your picture then you're really pretty. I know it must have been a really big knock for you, hon. But don't give someone you don't even know the satisfaction okay? Their opinion is irrelevant. They have their life. Don't let them stop you from having yours. You can be where you want to be and do what you want to do okay? You can.
*extra big hug*
You are worth so much more than some random stranger undermining everything you are, want to be, or believe in, Mendi. You are. It's not too late. You do not have to cower in fear of what someone else will say to you. And you should not give up on who you know yourself to be. Just listen to what the people here are saying to you, sweetie, and then ask yourself, which views do you value more?
I believe in you. We all believe in you. You can do it. :)
Please don't let this jerk deter you from a lifetime of happiness living as your true self. A woman.
We all have those WTF moments where we question our path. You look beautiful. All I see is a shining, female soul looking out from your avatar.
*Hugs*
i am sorry you had this experience, he is just some small minded fool not worth it, i know i get it, while i havent experienced that, i have had some experiences with those type of people
Like others have said if that is you in your photo, all i see is a beautiful woman, and he had no right to even say anything
Dear Mendi:
I got sexually harassed in a McDonalds drive through on one of my early outings, and that was after about six months on hormones. Consider it a rite of passage. It happens.
I ignored him and drove away. I was there to get lunch, not have a conversation or a fight. But the way I look, I was tempted to ask him if he just got out of prison, how long he was inside, and how much he had to drink.
Seriously, someone asks me a question like that my first response is, it's none of your business. If he goes any further, then I'm getting ready to fight. My mom came of age on the streets of Brooklyn during World War 2 and believe me she knew how to handle the boys from the Navy yard. So don't be ashamed of fighting back, but—
I prefer to use intuition and diplomacy unless there are no other alternatives. If this guy knew about transgender surgery, then he was no cisgender guy or religious nut. He is either a ->-bleeped-<- or has some feelings of his own that are buried beneath denial. I would have asked him why he had so much interest in surgical procedures. He might have been attracted to you. Lots of guys just don't know how to talk to a woman. They don't know what is appropriate.
BTW, it gets better. I started hormones at 53, two years ago. I started them for the psychological benefits after ten years of massive, debilitating panic attacks. I had no expectations about how I would look, and figured if I looked like a guy in women's clothing, I would just deal with it, since it had to be better than being house bound from panic attacks.
Now I've been on hormones 20 months and I get gendered female even in jeans, T shirt, hair pulled back, no make up. You already have a young, pretty face. Hormones will make you beautiful. Believe it.
Mendi I am so sorry you had to experience the rantings of such a small mind do not take it to heart going by your avatar you are very pretty and younger than I you can transition and be known as the woman you are I have friends that have transitioned at 60 and no one would ever know now you will be beautiful hang in there dear sister
bobbisue :)
What helps me is to keep a bit of a diary of the stuff I've made it through. I can look back and say, "Wow, I am strong" when I see what I've done up to this point - even if I am not feeling very strong and confident that day. You've clearly done a lot so far (and I echo everyone else in saying you look beautiful in your avatar!).
You won, he lost. Learn self defence, fear no one ever again
People do these things because they think they can get away with it, because the risk is low. Would this ame idiot yell the n word in Harlem? I doubt it. Not more than once. Finland is probably a peaceful place where folks aren't so aggressive, so he isn't expecting opposition or worse. There are two general directions one can take. Educate or retaliate. My advice is explain it to him nice and if he still doesn't get it, it's up to you. Never be a victim though. Ever.
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A bully derives his power from getting a negative reaction out of you. Next time this happens (and it's happened to pretty much all of us at some point), ignore him as best you can and do not escalate the situation. The bully will get bored and bother someone else.
I'm a racial minority (Asian who grew up in USA) so even before transitioning I was teased and bullied while growing up as a kid because I wasn't white. So when I later got bullied for being trans, I already knew how to handle it.
Hi and thanks all for the responses and well wishes. I just feel, that the confidence that I had, that I actually didn't even think anymore if people are looking at me or not, or what they see and what they don't see, shattered with that experience. Now I again feel like everyone is staring at me and not in a nice way.
I have a therapy session tomorrow, 1,5 hour long actually, but I don't know, I just don't know that helps even remotely. I cannot see myself from the mirror, not with or without make-up, just a guy staring from the mirror and now walking in the street or traveling in the bus, I again just feel that this body and the way I look is just male, doesn't matter who I am. Everyone sees male, no matter how I do make-up or what I wear.
Yeah I'm few weeks away from being 4 months on HRT, from those 3 months on max dosage (yep, my dosage was upped quickly, because I was experiencing horrible menopausal disorders). The picture on my profile is me, taken few weeks ago, almost exactly on 3 month birthday on HRT. But I have make-up on that picture. I now this morning woke-up at 4 am, to put make-up...to get to work, where I stayed in an isolation room whole day, with only the patient seeing me...and of course few people traveling in early morning bus, in darkness to work and the in the afternoon back to home.
I just can't see myself which creates even more insecure feeling.
Regarding the dude, I hurt him pretty bad with my words and after insulting me with his analysis of my problems...he really didn't get a word out of his mouth, because this machine gun mouth was going on and on. I'm just waiting, that someone took a video of my "show" on the train and puts it in the YouTube.
I remember standing up on the crowded train and yelling, that hey, here's some pervert who wants to know what's in everyones pants! He wants to show his crotch first...
Yeah, and rest of the story you don't want to hear. I did understand, that I might get killed now for embarassing this guy so completely. I just went berserker...