I wrote this..probably 6 months ago..and am currently working through my fears of why I am not fully accepting of going on T. Do I need to have these questions answered for myself? I know they probably never will be, because I know the answer as a bigger picture...but I keep revisiting.
I dont know if it's a security blanket to fall back on or if I'm just still making up rhetorical questions... for no reason. Because, I know. In my circle of family and friends, I'm out. Strangers- when they assume I'm a guy- 100% out. Is it the people in between that are making me revisit these questions or just...15 something years of never having acknowledged them as FTM?
Anyone feel this way?
Is that why I tend to emasculate men unintentionally?
Is that why I am so independent and need not to rely on anyone?
Is that why coming out when I was 16, as gay- was so easy?
Is that why I tried so hard on and off to be the perfect girl?
Is that why I gravitate towards my father and not my mother?
Is that why I was always jealous of my brother?
Is that why I always leave my partners after x amount of time, years? so they won't catch on?
Is that why I have not decided to adopt yet though is what I really want? Because of what I would be called?
Is that why I felt as a small child uncomfortable around "boys?"
Is that why in my later adult hood I connect/have better friends that are males?
Is that why I have always felt...weird? Introverted? Maybe, forced unknowingly to be introverted?
Is that why in high school I wore really tight tankini tops under all my clothes? Before I even knew what binding was?
Is that why I have always felt disconnected from the term lesbian? more like- loathed, the term...lesbian?
Is that why I have always used neutral terms describing myself and others-
"When I was a small child"
"Everyone I dated"
"They"
Is that why I feel disconnected to people sometimes in general...surface?
Is that why I have always taken forever to get ready and have a hard time leaving my house?
Is that why I cycle?
Is that why I am dominant?
Is that why I have sex the way that I do?
Is that why I feel strange being touched even though it feels good?
Is that why It makes me feel guilty?
Is that why I practice unattachment?
Is that why I see myself having boys as children?
Is that why I walk the way I walk?
Is that why I act the way I act?
Is that why I wear the things I wear?
Is that why I always have hated my boobs?
Is that why I am intimate before getting to know someone I potentially may date and focus on sexual compatibility?
Is that why I tend to converse in...facts and enjoy proving points rather than emotions?
Is that why I always have made comments such as
"Im like everyones boyfriend" in regards to my girl - friends that I had
"Im like a straight dude in a lesbians body, but I'm gay so what do I know"
Is that why I adamantly have not dated straight or bi women and have always been very against it? Am I afraid of the comparison?
Is that why I get so defensive when I'm seen as something I'm not trying to be?
Is that why even when I was training 5x a week in the best shape of my life- it still was not good enough?
Is that why I go off the grid?
Is that why I have always had social anxiety in big groups?
Is that why I hate singing outlaid in front of people?
Is that why I hate seeing myself on video/hearing my self?
Is that why I wore the excessive amount of makeup I did for years when I felt uncomfortable?
Is that why I have been binding/packing on and off since 2008? - this one is <not allowed> up.
Is that why I hate how tall I am?
Is that why I hate how small my hands/feet are?
Is that why I had so much anger towards my mom growing up?
Is that why I don't like to cry?
Is that why I never have/ still don't change in front of anyone? Probably why I failed my gym midterm 15 years ago.
Is that why I almost didn't graduate because I had 80 absences from gym class to avoid locker rooms? See above.
Is that why my heart feels heavy?
Is that why I act the way I do in my relationships/roles?
Is that why I hate wearing shorts?
Is that why I hate my period so much and how It makes me feel emotionally in distress during that time?
Is that why I do the types of workouts that I do?
Is that why I bend at my knees not my hips?
Is that why I cry when my girlfriend brings any of this up?
Is that why in my early 20's I was so intrigued by really androg. Lesbians? Not butch, but ones that just looked like...cute boys?
Is that why I tried dating guys? Not because I was attracted to them but because I wanted to just observe/be around/ understand them?
Is that why hated my handwriting growing up?
Is that why I am always late/always have been late to everything?
Is that why It takes me so long to run errands?
Is that why Its hard for me to leave my house?
Is that why I have sex with a shirt on?
Is that why I don't like attention?
Is that why I feel I always had a hard time making friends?
Is that why I put that feeling/idea in my head and keep myself at a distance?
Is that why I blame society for my cycles?
Is that why I always hated being called Samantha by my parents?
Is that why I still do?
Is that why having Sam as a nickname was fitting?
Is that why looking back it seemed to make things easier?
Is that why I prefer to shop online?
Is that why I feel like I am losing my <not allowed> mind?
I've come to terms with all of these..knowoing that those thoughts before I accepted being trans were still...variables...but whatever it is, I am having a hard time moving forward.
I changed my name to Sam from Samantha. I have done so many steps over the past two years to be the man, I feel I am inside, but...there is still a fear.
And I can't give myself anymore excuses for it..knowing they are just...excuses.
so why am I scared?
I think its my age. or having created this social norm for myself, without fully being myself.
I don't know, but its exhausting. And I just want to feel okay and put all those questions behind me.
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Big hug! A lot of questions, honey, and I'm not sure they all have, or need, answers. :)
Usually our fears turn out to be unfounded, and the only thing holding us back. If you don't do things because of fear, you will end up with regrets. If you're worried about the perceptions of others...well, send them a bill, because they're not worried about what you think of them. :)
Hugs, Devlyn
Hi, Sam. I think every single one of us has felt the fear. It is about stepping out of our familiar comfort zone into new, unfamiliar territory. Our reptillian survival mechanism kicks in, telling us to play it safe, stick with what you know.
The trouble with that, if you keep doing what you've always done, you will keep getting the same results you've always gotten. To make progress, you have to move into the unknown.
That is why I have the phrase "Casting off dull certainty" under my avatar. It is a reminder to myself not to get locked into the gray familiarity of life as I had always known it. To seek out new life, and boldly go where... OK, you get the idea.
I think the answer to most of your questions in your post is "Probably." Do you need answers to them? Probably not.
If the next step for you is to start T, then give it a try. If it is a horrible mistake, you will likely know quite quickly, before permanent physical changes occur.
Fear delayed me for four decades. I buried my fears and ended up with a bunch of other issues... focused on distractions and didn't take care of myself. By facing this and chipping away at it I have never been happier, to an extent I didn't even know was possible. Some of this involved hard work and difficult decisions but the rewards are amazing.
You are strong for facing this. I think you're going to have an amazing future.