Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hi All,

I am struggling.  Recently my child came out to me as trans (f2m).  For most of their life, it's been long hair, nail polish, purples, pinks, American Girl dolls, etc.

They are now in HS, and this is a recent change.  I have no issues whatsoever if they are truly male, but I am struggling with the fact that it is such a drastic change from who they have always been. 

When did you know you were trans?  Maybe it's Hollywood, but I always thought that you knew from a young age that you didn't fit the traditional gender roles.  I am confused, and don't want my child to make a mistake that could have lasting consequences, such as taking testosterone at their age.

If I could be assuaged that they are truly trans, I would have no issue with starting testosterone, but I am not convinced.

I'm hoping to find support in making this easier for them (and obviously for me, as well).

3-4 years old... I am 46 now.

Try reading these...

https://www.susans.org/2017/04/13/real-people-real-stories/
https://www.susans.org/2016/05/15/transgender-youre-part-story/
https://www.susans.org/2015/03/23/meet-my-transgender-kid/
https://www.susans.org/2015/02/03/living-a-transgender-childhood/
https://www.susans.org/2015/05/12/new-study-shows-gender-variance-youth-isnt-phase/
https://williamsinstitute.law.ucla.edu/wp-content/uploads/AFSP-Williams-Suicide-Report-Final.pdf

Keep in mind that this does not go away. The only proven solution is to make the body match the gender identity of the person in question. It's easier to change the body than someone's brain, heart, and soul. Generally the earlier in life treatment happens the better the outcomes.

Gender Identity is fixed at birth and doesn't change.

I'm the right guy answering this for sure!!!

In short: I was what could be considered a 'typical girl child' by outsiders before the age 12-13. Partly bcos my mom was very strict and I was not allowed to have any boy toys, clothes, etc. whatsoever. But also bcos I did like some of the stuff, like playing with dolls, I'm not gonna deny that. My family has had a very hard time coming to terms with my transition.  They claim 'I never was like a boy as a child' and that REALLY hurts me!!!

Being trans is NOT about what you like, what you've been wearing in the kidergarten etc... It's about what you feel you are or where you belong inside. No one could tell I had these feelings inside, but in reality I always felt uncomfortable being with the girls and treated as such. Remember - even cis boys can enjoy playing house and with dolls and stuffed animals and such - that does not make them women when they grow up! I wasn't the typical tomboy growing up at all. But inside I felt uncomfortable and dysphoric in many situations when I was thought of as a girl. But ofc no outsider could read my mind. Inside I felt 'I should've been grouped up with the boys instead'.

Even more importantly, I always felt euphoric whenever I was mistaken for a boy, or if my name was confused with a boy's name etc. etc. etc. I enjoyed playing boy characters. I also imagined having a penis before going to sleep as a young child. Ofc no one could know about that either!

But I learned to suppress all that, knowing there's nothing I could do. Even the boys didn't want to play with me, so I didn't have a bunch of boy friends either. I mainly played with girls. I could never name my experience as 'I am a boy' or 'I feel like a boy inside'. It was more vague. I felt 'I should be with the boys over there' 'I'm not like the other girls at all' 'the girls are different from me'.

In my new school at 13 the people there had thought I was a boy without me knowing. When I heard about that - it felt like my secret dream just came true!!! I felt ECSTATIC!!! I felt 'wow it can be done then! It is possible after all! I can be seen as a boy by others!' And I just started identifying as one then - and immediately wanted hormones after reading a little about this. It wasn't a problem to me at all! Only after my family tried to push me and bully me back to being a girl I became depressed at 14. They managed to make me wear skirts again during a holiday - and all I felt was I was a man in drag, and wanted to die.

Please support your child's decision! Even if that should change for some reason - some people at first identify as ftm - and later as non-binary for example - support your child and his feelings right now. He really does need that!!! Not having supportive family members is the number one cause making children commit suicide over this!

This is your child's life. And probably he's gonna stay that way. Even if he didn't - supporting & loving him for who he is right now and how he wants to express himself does no harm. Quite the contrary!

Remember that you may feel he's never acted like a boy before - but you can't tell what your child has been thinking or feeling in his own mind during the years. To you all this may come as a complete surprise - he may have been contemplating this for quite some time. He's showing trust in you by deciding to confide in you. Don't break that trust.

And as for when:
As early as I can remember!
Starting from 1-2 years old...!
I always had these feelings - no one just knew about it!
I tried to express myself - but wasn't heard. Instead I was ashamed for it. So I learned to suppress it.
But it never went away. Despite having that strict childhood I managed to socially transition already at 13...! You can't suppress people's souls forever!
Despite all this my family still claims they saw no signs. They still don't believe me despite me identifying as a boy since 13.
To me my so-called 'girl childhood' is a sucky period of my life when I couldn't express myself and what I really am inside. I was a depressed, withdrawn child, if anything. But no other people could've known what went through my head. Though my friends ofc saw my personality and thought I was more boyish then.

I also wore make-up starting from 12 - and I still use guyliner so...! The core me has never changed. But I started expressing my true persona only after 13. The second I heard I could be seen as a boy I acknowledged 'I am that then!' And I've been identifying as such since that moment.

So, again: I've always 'been like this'. This person I am. And had these feelings since 1-2 years old. But acknowledged it fully at 13. And never looked back.

Thank you PurpleWolf, I appreciate your courageous story.

The big difference is upbringing.  There's no LGBTQ discrimination in this family.  They have always been shown as friends of the family.  There was no overt pressure from (close) family to be confined to traditional gender.  Because we are open, I dont understand why they would feel the need to hide this.  If they wanted to have 'boy' toys or clothes, there was never any pressure to not play with them.

So, what're are the next steps in this journey?  How do I best support them?

Therapy with a qualified therapist preferably someone with experience handing gender identity issues. Support groups either Trans specific, or PFLAG provided the local group is trans accepting, is also another step you could take if you wanted to take baby steps..

Quote from: Parentoftgtobe on March 02, 2018, 04:31:56 PM
Thank you PurpleWolf, I appreciate your courageous story.

Thank you.

Quote from: Parentoftgtobe on March 02, 2018, 04:31:56 PM
The big difference is upbringing.  There's no LGBTQ discrimination in this family.  They have always been shown as friends of the family.  There was no overt pressure from (close) family to be confined to traditional gender.  Because we are open, I dont understand why they would feel the need to hide this.  If they wanted to have 'boy' toys or clothes, there was never any pressure to not play with them.

I don't think your child might have 'hid' this necessarily. How old was your child again?
Maybe they just are the type of person who likes pink & purple & stuff. You can be a guy and like that. What you like does not define your gender. Otherwise there wouldn't be any male florists or makeup artists or designers etc. Remember even Barbie dolls are designed by men too. This may have come as a surprise to you - but don't obsess over your child's clothing choices etc.

Also some people come to terms with this later on - some only after they are fully adults or even in their 40s/50s! So... they have led a life as 'regular men/women' for all that time and dressing as such.

And again, even if he'd 'change his mind' (though I don't like that term) after trying things out, as for now he does identify as ftm. Even changing your mind I'd rather call as 'doing some extensive soul searching' and coming to a different conclusion. He's still the same person he always was - the pink stuff loving dude - and he might also change what he likes & is comfortable with as he grows. As we all do.

Quote from: Parentoftgtobe on March 02, 2018, 04:31:56 PM
So, what're are the next steps in this journey?  How do I best support them?

As for now the best thing you can do is tell him straight: 'I love you. I have nothing against LGBTQ and trans people & you transitioning.' so that he knows that you're behind him. Then you can ask him open-ended questions. Try not to come off as interrogative even if you find it hard to believe some of the stuff he says. Ask about what he has been feeling during the years, such as: Did you ever feel different to other girls then? Did you secretly wish you'd be a boy? Do you feel ecstatic when you are thought of as a boy? Do you feel uncomfortable/dysphoric about certain things...?

Remember to hug him too!

Then just talk to him. And ask things like: Would you like me to use he/him pronouns of you? What can I do to make you feel better about yourself? Would you like to have a binder? What would make you feel more like you? Would you like to have new clothes for example?
Stuff like that! Make him feel comfortable that you won't judge if he wants to experiment with things. He might be secretly embarrassed about some stuff related to guys. You showing an interest and asking questions is the best form of caring and showing love  :)!!! That's something I never had. If you don't ask questions that comes off as you being unsupportive or secretly not accepting which will make him feel more awkward about it. He needs your support now more than ever! When you show genuine interest in this - and for example suggest looking for information together or watching some YouTube videos together, it's the best kind of support you can give  :)! That will make him feel that you are okay with the way he is as a person.

And try to start using the new pronouns if he wants that. Again - even if he didn't identify as ftm forever or even changed his pronouns after a while - that is a HUGE way of showing you accept him as he is. You may feel awkward about it at first - but it's a HUGE deal for him I'm sure, even if he didn't tell you that directly. You will see that things like that will make him SMILE!!!!!!! When you see him beaming you'll know you're on the right track as for now!

Ive known since i was about 3 or 4, something felt wrong, i knew somehow it was related to my gender, everytime i tried to express it, my dad made me feel like you were born a boy, your a boy he would just keep encouraging me to be a boy and made me feel wrong that i felt like a girl, so i learned to suppress it, became more of a loner really i guess cus it meant i didnt have to try being a boy with too many people, then i had my first boyfriend, and after we broke up i started thinking if i was a girl would we still be together so the dysphoria came when i was 14/15 but at the time my father was ill and dying (he died like 4 years later), and also my family was moving in with us as we had moved into a large house and that was the intention (i hated this), and it never felt like the right time, but i was about 18 or so and i had a really bad time with the dysphoria i was cross dressing in private, looking into make up etc all in private, and then he died on me in the next year, and more family moved into our large house which was unbearable, and 1 crappy thing after another seemed to keep happening, meanwhile what was going through my head was i should tell them im trans, i should tell them i want to be female, but i learned to scare myself out of it, initially i i imagined coming out to everyone all at once at the same time, sometimes that was enough, i remember watching like some FFS stuff  or something that was enough to scare me, even just becoming me was enough to scare me sometimes it felt like my dad as a young age had created a stigma around being trans intentionally or not (its what im realizing only just now) but now i am at a point where i feel like its the right time, im still just working the nerve up after everything i had to go through to try and be normal while knowing im not, 

I never told them because it always felt like my family would have me kicked out of my own home, or they would bully me into not being trans (it wouldnt have taken much honestly) or have me institutionalized or something, a few of them were narcissists (including my dad somewhat) so i was never able to imagine anything positive about coming out

Quote from: Christy Lee on March 02, 2018, 05:21:44 PM
I never told them because it always felt like my family would have me kicked out of my own home, or they would bully me into not being trans (it wouldnt have taken much honestly) or have me institutionalized or something, a few of them were narcissists (including my dad somewhat) so i was never able to imagine anything positive about coming out

Really sorry to hear that  :(!!
Hope you're doing better now?

Hi Parentoftgtobe, welcome to Susan's Place! Good on ya for being a good parent. I'm glad you found us.  :)

Gender didn't come onto my radar until my forties. The childhood scenario is the one Hollywood likes, but it's not the only version.

I hope you and your child find your answers.  :)

Hugs, Devlyn

Hi, Parentoftgtobe!

Welcome to Susan's.  ANd thank you for supporting your child by coming here seeking answers.

I "knew" at age 61!  It is common to figure it out in adulthood.  Now, in hindsight, I see all kinds of signs going back to age 7.  There is enough evidence that I was this way since a very young age.  But I didn't *know* until quite late.

My parents told me that I was a boy.  Of course I believed them.  They were adults and they had to know, didn't they?  Kids are programmed to believe their parents.  It takes exceptional self-awareness to contradict one's parents at a young age.  The rest of us spend years learning that what our parents told us might not have been correct.

I totally agree with Susan's recommendation of a gender therapist.  Although the main purpose of gender therapy is to help the transgender person figure out who they are and what they want to do about it, you might find it helpful to have a session or two yourself, just to find out more about what being transgender is about.

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Quote from: PurpleWolf on March 02, 2018, 05:29:01 PM
Really sorry to hear that  :(!!
Hope you're doing better now?

I am sort of :) thanks

As a child I knew I was different somehow and just figured I was weird.  However, I knew I was trans without a doubt when I was around 11, right when puberty started.  After that I had to bury it deep because my parents told me I was crazy and threatened me with psychiatrists and institutionalization and sent me off to military school when I was 13.  I guess they thought they cured me but I just got really good at burying it deep until it couldn't be buried any longer.


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I didn't know I was "transsexual" until I was 35. But I did know I wasn't cool with being a girl when I was about 6.

That said, I played with all sorts of toys, girls and boys toys, had long hair because I didn't care about appearance and painted my nails black a few times because I thought it looked punk. For several years I ignored the clothes they put me in because I didn't care.

How old is your kid? If they're old enough to chat about it, try to find out by tentative discussion and formulate a better picture of the situation. It's all the psychiatrists do to diagnose as well, but they are looking for the key symptoms in the answers, and consistency in the answers as well.

Hi Parent, (ho boy that feels weird - Im the product of a dysfunctional family).


It's really easy to forget that the social and cultural influences that are around our children are not just from our homes (where we may be tolerant/accepting/open etc), but from the other adults and children they encounter - it's not uncommon to feel that this is 'wrong' or forbidden and try to hide it, by visibly conforming to expected norms of the environment around us.

It's also easy to forget that as a child, it takes us time to learn that love can be unconditional and trust our family that that is the case. Major life changes (new schools, locations etc) grant freedom to redefine ourselves for the new environment - and that may be why they have chosen to start expressing this now. For some of us, it's only when the hormonal activity of puberty starts to kick off that we realise that we don't want to be this way, that our body's no longer feel right.

The remainder of us discover or work out that we are on the spectrum, sometime thereafter- it's taken me more than a few decades...

Find a therapist for your son, try to encourage them to have a really good dialog with them. They are at an age where hormones can be placed on hold for a while as necessary, before any physical transition needs to happen (although social transition may have already happened) and the outcome will be that when the transition occurs they will end up indistinguishable from those who are natally born to that gender, but with a few physical differences that may require surgery to correct.

But that's thinking too far ahead - here and now, you need support - we have a significant others board that I'd encourage you to drop in and say hi, and I'd suggest that your son makes an account here too, as we have a very closely managed youth board - suggesting this may be an outward expression of your unconditional love and support for him, in ways that cannot easily be expressed in words.

But welcome to Susan's, join in the fun. You've got this, and we're here to help you stay able to feel that way.

(Hugs)

Rowan

4ish


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It's always been there. I would say that I was conscious of being a girl since age 4. My earliest memories.

Having to dress in the same locker rooms as boys made me feel uneasy. I knew that I wasn't a guy but I couldn't change in the same locker rooms as the girls where I actually belonged.

I felt very uneasy when I had to use the male toilets.

I hated having a penis.

In summer I never took my shirt off in public. Even though I didn't have breasts yet back then, it still felt not right to take my shirt off with boys in the neighbourhood.

I hated puberty. As soon as I started getting peach fuzz and my armpits started smelling I felt so humiliated by mother nature. It didn't feel right.

I hated how my feet got bigger and bigger.

I never practiced sports because I was too terrified to put muscle on.

I was terrified that my voice would drop each time that I was having a cold. Fortunately my voice never dropped.

My role models were always women and I always compared myself to the girls, never to the guys.

My body felt more like a prison than like a fact.

I didn't understand why I got treated differently from other girls while I knew that I was a girl too.

My family was very conservative. My dad kicked his sister out because she was a lesbian so I lived with a fear that they would also kick me out if they would know.

I tried to survive on antidepressants.
From my 16 years old to my 19 years old I was on antidepressants. At age 19 I came out to my parents and started seeing a therapist soon after my coming out. 3 months before I turned 20 I started hormone replacement therapy and I started to feel more at ease with myself and started to experience mental clarity.
I feel much more comfortable in my body now.

I am turning 22 years old next month.
My parents still have difficulties with accepting my female identity but they tolerate me.
People treat me like any other woman, finally.
I finally have energy to go through life. I'm living, not surviving.

I dream of being a mother one day and finding a faithful husband.

Hugs,
Transfused.

I've known since I was self consious. About age 3-4. I hated the girly cloths I had as a toddler and screamed and fought until mom took them off.

The most beautiful jacket I knew was my friend's. His name was Markus. It was a blue jacket with white and red stripes on the sleeves. But I could not get it because it was a boy's jacket. I was 4 years old.

I got permission to cut my hair when I was 8 years old. Dad was terrified. I looked like a boy. I thought I was cool, I looked just like Billy Idol. And I had to have long hair ever since then. But people gendered me boy even with long hair.

It never goes away. It's like an itch that just grows and grows. Until you can't keep it in anymore and it just explodes.

It can be supressed but it keeps coming back. I supressed it for 30 years. I ended up suicidal and depressed. I was suicidal as a teenager too. I felt like a freak. Why can't I be normal? Why me?

What your child needs is your support and understanding. Being gendered right and a good gender therapist who can help him sort out his thoughts and feelings. In my eyes it is good that you start early. It's his inner feeling of himself that is important. Not what toys he had as a child. I guess I'm not the typical FtM. I was always a boy but did not admit it to myself. Everyone else saw it though.


Tony

Quote from: Parentoftgtobe on March 02, 2018, 03:44:49 PM
Hi All,

I am struggling.  Recently my child came out to me as trans (f2m).  For most of their life, it's been long hair, nail polish, purples, pinks, American Girl dolls, etc.

They are now in HS, and this is a recent change.  I have no issues whatsoever if they are truly male, but I am struggling with the fact that it is such a drastic change from who they have always been. 

When did you know you were trans?  Maybe it's Hollywood, but I always thought that you knew from a young age that you didn't fit the traditional gender roles.  I am confused, and don't want my child to make a mistake that could have lasting consequences, such as taking testosterone at their age.

If I could be assuaged that they are truly trans, I would have no issue with starting testosterone, but I am not convinced.

I'm hoping to find support in making this easier for them (and obviously for me, as well).

I knew I was a girl since I can remember around 4/5 years old.

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For what it's worth, for those trans people that do not know their gender from early ages, puberty tends to be a resurgence of hormonal anomalies within the transgender body, as a child nothing may seem "off" because the physical feelings of being a boy or a girl tend to be not as different, genitalia is probably the only indication of sex in a child, but with puberty secondary sex traits begin to appear, and there becomes more incongruence with the mental state-body state.

It's actually incredibly common for people not to connect the dots until puberty and post puberty, and this is usually after those internal feelings of dissonance are given a name: transgender. I think most the transgender people I've heard of typically make these connections around teens or young or late adult (not having been given the chance to explore this in childhood, typically). Of those, some of those were more tomboyish/effeminate in childhood, and some were more closer to the gender roles of their birth sex. Every transgender person is different in experience. Those who don't match the "typical" transgender story are typically left out and faced with those boundaries pushed against them to invalidate their worth of being transgender, and that shouldn't be the case, because they need it as much as any other transgender person.

When it comes to gender, there is more to it than just genitals, the overarching combination of Chromosomes, Primary sex traits (genitals), secondary sex traits (pubescent growth), hormones, and neurological development is different in every individual, so when you get things that don't align or match like the typical male or female, you get someone who is gender variant or atypical.


I don't know how you son would describe it, maybe he had some feelings he wasn't sure how to describe or show at that age, or maybe he's equally confused as you now that he's an adult and he knows he's transgender without the typical childhood trans experiences, either way he's still valid and it's worth a talk. Your concerns are worth a mention, but not enough to hinder his transition. Perhaps see a therapist together so you both can voice your feelings. See where he is at, he may agree to wait until he has more of a grasp of his feelings, or he may be absolutely sure in himself and not wish to wait at all, you'll have to give him your trust if the latter, because at his age he'll know what he wants if he's absolutely sure of himself (I'm not entirely sure how many people detransition, but of the ones who are typically sure of themselves rather then questioning, it doesn't seem likely). Really it's up to you two what solution to come up with and works right for you.

And for the rest of us, thank you so much for being a good mother looking out for his interests, so many parents do not take the effort or courage to seek assistance when trying to be supportive of us. Thank you!

I can remember being in preschool and playing with girls more often and I was told by another boy I wasn't supposed to play with girls. And so 40 some years of programming began. I often wonder where I'd be if I grew up today. Well I don't I know I'd  be trans lol. Gender therapist is the first step. It's tricky. Children and adolescents are finicky but thats not to say they aren't trans. I'd say for them not to rush but I'm here at 44 wishing I'd transitioned years ago.

Quote from: MeTony on March 04, 2018, 09:13:12 AM

It never goes away. It's like an itch that just grows and grows. Until you can't keep it in anymore and it just explodes.

It can be supressed but it keeps coming back. I supressed it for 30 years. I ended up suicidal and depressed. I was suicidal as a teenager too. I felt like a freak. Why can't I be normal? Why me?

Seconding this, so many trans people have to suppress it throughout the years. Through their childhood. Through their teens. Through their 20's, 30's, 40's and so on. This doesn't make them any less trans, being trans never goes away.

People think that being transgender is a "choice" sometimes, that they decide to and choose to transition, they do end up making the big decision to transition, but this isn't a big "choice" to them, it's being transgender and happy or being transgender with yourself in a completely repressed state for years and years to come, it's completely unhealthy and it often leads to a lack of motivation, energy, drive, feeling and inevitably can lead to depression or even suicidal ideations.

If he knows he's transgender now, it's not going to go away, you can't expect it to be a "phase".

Yeah I got blind sided by it in January. Then I saw the overarching meta pattern and I was like oh it all makes sense now. So much time wasted trying to become something foreign to my nature.