Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hello everyone!

My name is Kokoro. I am 30 years old, from the UK and looking for some help and advice as I make some very difficult decisions. I am MtF still presenting as male. I have a bit of history, so please bear with me as I recount my Odyssey.  ;)


My awakening began at the onset of puberty, which for me was around 10 years old so a little early for most males. I struggled with the soaring hormone levels and one of the ways I calmed myself was dressing like a girl. I confided this in my girlfriend at the time who, due to drama I brought about over my struggle with my identity, let slip the fact to everyone at school. Cue 1 year of severe bullying and the start of a long depression.

I left school and soon after dropped out of college (16-18 in UK). I went from male dominated job to male dominated job for around 5 years before deciding to go back to college and then onto university. It was around a year before going back to college I started seeing a counselor for my depression. After many sessions of not really getting anywhere I decided to tell her about the crossdressing I was still doing.

Several months passed with a lot of positive talk and encouragement when she posed the question to me: Do you think you are a girl? I felt an immediate realisation and things started to come into focus. Why I hated my stereotypical male jobs, why I had so few male friends, why I am more softly spoken than most men... She then had me referred a gender clinic and I was filled with hope - until I found out there was a 14 month waiting list just for an initial appointment. I battled through my studies but as the first round of exams approached in January I was becoming so stressed from the exam pressure, depression, and gender dysphoria I caved in and asked my doctor for anti-depressants. (This was before the widespread use of anti-depressants that is practiced today and were only given out 'as a last resort'). I finally got my appoint 2 weeks after I started the anti-depressants.

After the initial assessment and conclusion of 'you seem to have gender dysphoria' I was assigned an initial 6 months of further assessment with a gender psychiatrist but by the time I began these the anti-depressants has taken hold and although my mood swings were now in check, I had lost my enthusiasm for everything - including transition. I forced myself to say yes to a lot of the questions posed by my psychiatrist even though I felt indifferent to them. After my penultimate session at the end of July, my psychiatrist suggested I come out to my mother. I reluctantly agreed...

Because I lacked the enthusiasm for doing so I approached the situation half-heartedly, I didn't have much confidence in what I said but I went ahead. Her response was accepting, but luke-warm and I began to regret saying I was transgender to her. We had a hug and she said she would love me no matter what I was. As the first hints of relief started to was over me she uttered the words: 'So, I'm not going to have any grand-kids?'. I was aghast. I very sheepishly said 'no' and tore myself away from the conversation. For the rest of the day I just sat in my room, telling myself I was crazy and what on earth was I thinking?!?

I approached my mum in the evening again before my dad came home from work and told here to forget everything I said earlier and blamed it on my depression/pills. She said 'OK' and not a single word has been uttered about it since. That was 6 and half years ago.

When I returned to he psychiatrist she took me to meet the nursing team, who (if I went ahead) would be dealing with my medicine dispensing, blood work and general health monitoring. I had more or less reached the point of no return. I asked my psychiatrist if she thought I was a woman? She told me it was up to me to answer the. I then rephrased the question to something along the lines of: 'would you, in your professional opinion, refer me for gender transition based on what you have seen of me? ' Her reply was 'no'.

So that was it. I was officially stark raving mad and just needed to get it together and move on with my life.

I had originally hoped to transition during University but I cast everything feminine off me and had another purge for the umpteenth time. You just need to get it together Man!

Uni was a mixed bag. I enjoyed the social life a lot since everyone was so much more pleasent that people back in my hometown. However I lost my lust for learning after having to suffer through a terrible lecturer in my first year. I took two repeat years in total and once again went to see a (university) counselor. And again, everything came back to talking about gender dysphoria.

At this point I was gearing myself up for life beyond graduation. Since I went to college, I'd wanted to work in Japan and I now had to make a choice: Seek transition or live an 8 year-long dream of living and working in another country. Ultimately I chose the latter.

In my preparation for flying out in the October, I request that my doctor take me off my anti-depressents. Not because I felt I didn't need them, but I wanted to avoid taking long-term medication in Japan. This turned out to be one of my best decisions of my life. My withdrawal symptoms started off almost non-existent but soon I was experiencing horrible mood swings again. When i arrived in Japan for my new job I had a mini-breakdown and I had to come back to the UK after only a few days.

A couple of months went by and I started to feel a lot better and decided to give Japan another go. I got a job working as an English teacher in March last year and for a while, I was really enjoying after.

But something just wasn't right. I was living a dream I set myself and genuinely wanted, but I just couldn't settle. Thoughts eventually turned back to being transgender. 

As I started to explore these thoughts once more, I stumbled upon a salon. For those that don't know, Japan has 0 transgender rights. However, Japan is known for being a little weird, and for catering to peoples weirdness. As a result, there are several cross-dressing salons in the larger cities. Eventually after going back and forth over whether I really wanted to, I decided to give them a try.

Now, in the past I have 'dressed up' in front of other people before, but solely for Halloween and more for a 'look! a man in a dress!' reaction, though I did have a good try with some makeup for one of them. Though I did feel liberated at the time, I couldn't explore my feelings truly as, despite what I looked like, I was still presenting as a man.

Back to the salon, they are professional make-up artists as well as amateur photo shooters and had at least a couple of hundred different outfits to choose.

There were 3 'costume' changes. The first I had a lot of excitement when I saw myself transformed into a woman, but the clothes didn't seem to quite suit me and wig was completely different to my natural hair colour. I asked for one that was closer to my own hair colour and for clothes that were a little more practical, such as what one might wear to work.

A quick change and I was back in the chair in front of the mirror. They ask you to close your eyes until they have the wig fitted and when I opened them I was astonished. As I was trying to work out in my head what, or who, I was seeing reflected one of the girls started snapping photos. She then showed me and I almost burst into tears. I was looking at someone so familiar , but had never seen before. I saw the real me for the very first time. And her expression was full of such joy.

I opened myself up to what I was feeling inside. My mannerisms were more feminine, I was becoming giggly and even my voice began to soften and creep up a little higher. The rest of the session was wonderful as I allowed myself to have fun with the final costume (which was literally a maid costume!) but I didn't feel like I was cross dressing, but having fun trying on clothes with girlfriends.

The 2 hours went by so quick. On the long train ride home I was so melancholy, just thinking about what I'd felt, and how happy I was just 'being' and not 'trying' to be me. It was an epiphany.

That was yesterday, and I've already booked another, longer, appointment for later this month.

In the meantime, I've got a lot of planning to do in terms of my future, but that's for another thread I'll be posting in the near future.

Thanks for reading through all this. Now you know pretty much everything about me, transgender-wise.


Oh, and for those wondering. My name means 'heart, mind and soul' in Japanese  :angel:

Hi Kokoro  :icon_wave:

Welcome to Susan's Place  :)  Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Here are some links to the site rules and stuff that we offer to all new members to help them along

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)	Standard Terms & Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html)	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.)	Cautionary Note (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,82221.0.html)
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Hugs

V M

Doesnt your name mean heart child or child of heart?...
Ko typically adds the prefix of child in japanese.
Koro typically means heart i believe...

Totally didnt catch you mentioning at the end xP
Good name choice though <3

Best of luck tho and remember coming to accept one's
self can be a hard task...
Feel free to message me anytime <3

<3
Cincy

A big WELCOME to you Kokoro ... Susan's Place is a safe and friendly place to share with others about your transition journey and to read about others trials, tribulations and successes in their transition journeys.  You might even make some new friends here if you desire.  Please join in and get involved at your own pace.
Again, Welcome.
Aspriringperson