Stopped me from transitioning years ago.. is this normal? I feel pretty stupid I did this but I know I put it out of my mind because I just didn't think anyone will understand. I don't know what changed maybe because I'm living on my own (not with family at least)?
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Being self conscious is pretty normal.
Yeah sounds pretty normal, I certainly stressed out over other peoples reactions.
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Quote from: Allison S on March 10, 2018, 06:37:34 PM
Stopped me from transitioning years ago.. is this normal? I feel pretty stupid I did this but I know I put it out of my mind because I just didn't think anyone will understand. I don't know what changed maybe because I'm living on my own (not with family at least)?
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@ Allison S: Yes, at least for me what you stated was normal... I had to consider romantic relationships, relationships with family and friends, employment, impact on my career and future jobs, and then I was worried about how my transition would turn out and whether or not I would pass convincingly or at least satisfactorily and successfully the majority of the time.
As all of us considered transition we realized that it would be the biggest life changing, relationship changing and body changing journey in our life, therefore many of us hesitated for far too long to take the plunge.... and certainly the decision had to be wisely researched and thought about carefully before beginning the transition journey.
Then, of course, once we got started and nearer to our goals, we would ask ourselves
"Why did we wait so long?".........Allison... you are not alone with your thoughts about this.
Best wishes,
Danielle ...
formerly Aspiringperson
Yes I think it is normal because before I decided to transition myself I was worried about what other people would think of me and as the more I thought about it the less I seemed to care as most almost all my family never where in my life I don't have many friends (close friends) I even stopped because of my mom and she has passed away in 1991 as I felt if I transitioned I would let her down. That was my biggest fear. Now I think she would be happy that I am now happy with myself. I lost people in my life yes but I ended up gaining more too. If people don't understand and don't want to be in my life that is fine with me. I want people that would fight for me fight with me as I would do for them no problem I don't want people to fight me as I am looking for less problems not more.
Its normal to worry. I've got to the point I don't care what people think anymore. Its not their life, and my life before transition was a study in misery.
I think that fear of what others will think is pretty much universal.
It is certainly what kept me from admitting to myself that I was trans for at least 30 years. That changed for me only after seeing a trans person delivering a public lecture and realizing that nobody thought anything of it. After that, I didn't care what anyone thought except my wife.
Yeah... makes me feel kinda angry. I'm 5 months now and not sure how I'm presenting anymore. I probably look like a boy most days which sucks for my dysphoria but the ease of it works for my depression. [emoji16][emoji17]
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And no one gives you feedback? Yeah, been there.
Every major advancement in human development, or perhaps technology would be a better word, has come in spite of fear of what others may think. I don't even need to elaborate on that I think, Newton, Columbus?
I will say this over and over before I die I am sure but...
So I don't believe in religion however I am sure of one thing. IF there is a weighing out, a judgment, I promise you this;
Not a single one of those people you may worry what will think of you, will have to answer for your life. Not one, ever. Let them live your life and they will never give up control and you will never be able to take control.
Are they so incredible that what they think is more important than what you think?
Live your life, they have their own ->-bleeped-<- to take care of.
I dragged this out an extra 20 years because of that. I buried it... But it found its way to the surface. I get where you are coming from, as many of us, here, do!
((Hugs!))
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Quote from: FinallyMichelle on March 10, 2018, 08:35:24 PM
And no one gives you feedback? Yeah, been there.
Every major advancement in human development, or perhaps technology would be a better word, has come in spite of fear of what others may think. I don't even need to elaborate on that I think, Newton, Columbus?
I will say this over and over before I die I am sure but...
So I don't believe in religion however I am sure of one thing. IF there is a weighing out, a judgment, I promise you this;
Not a single one of those people you may worry what will think of you, will have to answer for your life. Not one, ever. Let them live your life and they will never give up control and you will never be able to take control.
Are they so incredible that what they think is more important than what you think?
Live your life, they have their own ->-bleeped-<- to take care of.
Amen!! And nope I mean just my friends will say I look good, but that's expected. Strangers stare. I overheard one guy ask someone if I'm a boy or girl. Another guy basically saw me and started talking to him self saying deragotory things in Spanish. I was right behind him and he was almost looking back over his shoulder basically calling me a ->-bleeped-<-got. Lol I really don't care though. He seemed like a pissed off old man and here I am becoming the woman I'm destined to be.
My therapist wanted to give me his opinion and I told him not to because I already know what he will say... actually I don't know what he'll say so maybe I'll ask him next time. I feel like it was a bit rude of me to brush him off but like I don't want people to convince me of things I don't believe in myself.
I have to believe it in myself otherwise I won't get anywhere! He means well but I know what I have to do.. maybe this is how I push people away. I don't know anymore and I kinda don't care. It's like I have a new focus and meaning and that's to transition and get on with my life.
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I lived in utter paranoia, fear and denial for decades. I think this has (historically) been exceedingly common, but is slowly becoming less so [emoji5]
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I haven't transitioned fully yet, and fear is a big reason. Fear of career issues, family issues (divorce), fear of the cost, and fear of not passing (stature, face, voice).
Also, fear has kept me from progressing friendshs beyond just the superficial, and keeping everyone away from really knowing me. This is particularly difficult at times.
The good news is that I'm nearly ten years on HRT and had laser hair removal. These two things have changed my look significantly, but most people just think I'm younger, maybe early 20's. I think my look confuses them, especially if I'm with my eleven year old son (they think we're brothers, until he's says Dad).
My wife is great about everything, however the line is drawn for her on my full outward transition. If I did that, then there go my wife and son, the only deep relationships that I have.
So, it's not easy, but for now maybe the status quo is enough for me. I'm happy with what HRT has done for my mind and body, and my dysphoria has been reduced, but isn't gone completely.
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Quote from: Allison S on March 10, 2018, 06:37:34 PM
Stopped me from transitioning years ago.. is this normal? I feel pretty stupid I did this but I know I put it out of my mind because I just didn't think anyone will understand. I don't know what changed maybe because I'm living on my own (not with family at least)?
I don't know how normal it is ... but does it really matter who has a problem with who we are?
Of course, it hurts when people we care about reject us for being who we are; but what is the alternative? Is it even possible to pretend to be someone else in order to keep their good will? Wouldn't it be better to embrace who we are and take whatever losses come, secure in the knowledge that our course is
real?In my view, it would be better to live a year openly as the female I am, with everyone of importance relegating me to the loonew bin, than to try to win their approval (permission) to be who I am.
I've been paralyzed with the fear since I was, what, 15? Fear of what others will think. Fear of being laughed at, being a freak in their eyes, not being accepted. I live as a man, and am mostly accepted by others, but it's kind of a half-life. I feel like Edward in Twilight. I live amongst them, but they really don't know me. If I could only not care.
Quote from: AnnMarie2017 on March 11, 2018, 11:56:45 AM
I don't know how normal it is ... but does it really matter who has a problem with who we are?
Of course, it hurts when people we care about reject us for being who we are; but what is the alternative? Is it even possible to pretend to be someone else in order to keep their good will? Wouldn't it be better to embrace who we are and take whatever losses come, secure in the knowledge that our course is real?
In my view, it would be better to live a year openly as the female I am, with everyone of importance relegating me to the loonew bin, than to try to win their approval (permission) to be who I am.
Yeah I think rejection is my issue. But then hating myself and who I am is worse than being rejected by others.
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Quote from: amandam on March 11, 2018, 12:05:06 PM
I've been paralyzed with the fear since I was, what, 15? Fear of what others will think. Fear of being laughed at, being a freak in their eyes, not being accepted. I live as a man, and am mostly accepted by others, but it's kind of a half-life. I feel like Edward in Twilight. I live amongst them, but they really don't know me. If I could only not care.
You never know what will push you to "not care" about others' opinions and put yourself first. I think it's really just timing and luck. I'm just starting and the fear is there but it's there for me to work through now. No more hiding or denial. It's the hardest thing I've had to face in my life...
Ps- I guess I never thought I'd face such a hard challenge without my family. I feel like it's something I have to take on my own because I don't know where it'll take me to. It's only geared around my appearance. My family will just say things to discourge and as much as I feel alone right now, it could be worse. My sister already proved this to me since she's the only one that knows right now (not really by my choice either).
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This is what's currently stopping me. If I were to come out, I fear the repercussions, not for myself, but for others in my family. I can live with being hated, disowned, disassociated with, etc. nothing new there. Par for the course actually, but due to my living situation, others would be affected. That possibility is what holds me back.
So yes, I understand well the fear of what others might think.
Quote from: Allison S on March 10, 2018, 06:37:34 PM
Stopped me from transitioning years ago.. is this normal? I feel pretty stupid I did this but I know I put it out of my mind because I just didn't think anyone will understand. I don't know what changed maybe because I'm living on my own (not with family at least)?
Quote from: natalie.ashlyne on March 10, 2018, 06:49:36 PM
Yes I think it is normal because before I decided to transition myself I was worried about what other people would think of me and as the more I thought about it the less I seemed to care as most almost all my family never where in my life I don't have many friends (close friends) I even stopped because of my mom and she has passed away in 1991 as I felt if I transitioned I would let her down. That was my biggest fear. Now I think she would be happy that I am now happy with myself. I lost people in my life yes but I ended up gaining more too. If people don't understand and don't want to be in my life that is fine with me. I want people that would fight for me fight with me as I would do for them no problem I don't want people to fight me as I am looking for less problems not more.
Quote from: amydane on March 11, 2018, 09:18:33 AM
I haven't transitioned fully yet, and fear is a big reason. Fear of career issues, family issues (divorce), fear of the cost, and fear of not passing (stature, face, voice).
Also, fear has kept me from progressing friendshs beyond just the superficial, and keeping everyone away from really knowing me. This is particularly difficult at times.
Alison - Yes of course its normal because as you say so many folks don't understand and a small number like to mock us but we have to overcome the fear.
Natalie - I felt the same. I couldn't consider transition as that would have badly let my mum down as she didn't understand (although she knew of my crossdressing). Although I was very sad at her passing in 2015, it opened the door to me taking action concerning my Transgender situation. But I know that after I transition (hopefully next year when hormones take effect), my mum would be glad to see my happiness.
Amydane - My fear is still not passing physically and also the voice but I know that after more results from HRT, I will have to conquer those fears by "taking the plunge". I appreciate your problem as I feel the same; I have deliberately not pursued friendships as I see myself a wearing a mask unable to show the real me to them. What I really aspire to but think unlikely to achieve is to perceived by future friends as female. To truly live the other life.
Pamela
Quote from: Allison S on March 11, 2018, 12:05:25 PM
Yeah I think rejection is my issue. But then hating myself and who I am is worse than being rejected by others.
Allison, sweetheart, there is nothing worse than not being yourself.
I don't know about you, but I believe there is a purpose in things; and there is a reason we girls were born the way we were. I don't believe it's a cosmic joke, or the heartless act of a capricious god. We may not know the reason; but we *can* respond with integrity and conviction. We can embrace and be who we are.
Naturally, we are not constricted or compelled on a timeline. There is, I hope, room to massage our transitions. But, in the end, there is no alternative to being authentic. And do we really want there to be?
I was planning to share this in a separate thread, but it seems appropriate here. I've been presenting female at my job for about two weeks. I have a figure -- not much of one, I admit (more's the pity!) -- but it's there. I deal with the public constantly. Up until now, there have been no ripples; no one has given me grief, and several people have been gracious and addressed me as "ma'am," even though I don't pass.
Today, at work, I was dissed twice. I was laughed at, and I was treated as though I were a fungus, by members of the public. Does it hurt? Sure. Does it matter? Not in the slightest.
Rejection is painful; but not being authentic is painful on a whole different level. We need to present as women because it makes us feel right, it's true; but more to the point, we need to present as women because we *are* women -- because it's the truth.
Imagine if people started laughing at you, pointing fingers at you in public, because you believed the world was round.
Would that shake your confidence? I doubt it. I think you'd be wondering how so many people could be so clueless. Your womanhood is the same. The people who would assail you, even if your family, are the equivalent of flat-earthers. They just don't know. And you have to look at it like that. *You* know the truth; they don't. And, ultimately, if they refuse to accept the truth, you'll simply have to find new friends. And family, if it comes to that.
Prejudice does not trump reality, not unless you let it. :)
Quote from: FinallyMichelle on March 10, 2018, 08:35:24 PM
Are they so incredible that what they think is more important than what you think?
Thanks Michelle, I have to keep reminding myself of this. :)
Paige :)
Fear of what others will think can be perfectly rational. But I don't think it's that so much as it is what the consequences of the negative will be. What it really is, is fear of what people will do if they think something that gives rise to an adverse reaction. It's a self preservation instinct, and entirely understandable.
Thoughts are thoughts. But actions that arise from those thoughts... that is the scary thing. People's unpredictability based on their thoughts... fear of that unknown. It's a primal human instinct to want to protect oneself. Or to protect people around you. To not want to be hurt. That's a perfectly healthy thing. We've been doing it for thousands of years.
I think the best way you can deal with that is by encouraging belief in oneself, and the capacity to deal with people's reactions to things. By giving oneself confidence. And building up self-esteem. The absolute worst thing you can do is hate yourself for feeling that way. Because it just reinforces a cycle of negativity that never seems breakable.
Ask yourself how many people feel that if they aren't strong enough to get over what being themselves may lead to with other people, that they aren't strong enough to actually be themselves? I'm betting it's a pretty common thing. "If I can't deal with this, how can I deal with anything else?"
That is blaming yourself for other people. It's feeling yourself to be weak for not wanting to be hurt, and caring that your feelings/physical self/sense of self may be subject to punishment. That is not weak. It's human. And the first step to getting past it is realising that it doesn't make you weak, or anyone less, for feeling that way. When you can do that, then you can start to see what you actually can do, instead of what you feel you can't.
That's the trouble with low self-esteem. And often low self-esteem is tied in very closely with being trans. It's a downward spiral. We reinforce the cycle of negativity and feel like we're less and less capable of doing anything. And scared that people will act in the worst possible way. Which in turn leads to self-hate for not doing anything. Which leads to even more of a feeling that people would think the worst... and so on, and so on.
Break that by realising that is isn't weak. It doesn't make you a coward. It doesn't mean you aren't capable of... well, of anything. Fears only have a hold of you while ever you feel you aren't capable of dealing with them. But I've been around here long enough to see firsthand that people can be incredible. And deal with things that they don't think they can in their wildest dreams. It just takes a bit of self belief.
*extra big hugs*