Me and my husband went to a bar last night and after the bartender gave me my drink he said here you go sir. Apparently I made it known that it bothered me without saying anything because my husband said what's wrong babe and I told him what happened and my husband said that it had to be an accident because you look freaking hot and look nothing like a transgender. So on the next drink a different male bartender got me my drink said what can I get you ma'am and when he came ack with my drink he said here you go babe. Why do y'all think the first bartender called me sir?
Probably just so used to sir-ing everyone without even paying attention. I had it happen to me at a pride fest too.. when confronted he apologize.
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some people accidentally slip with presumably cis people. unless you differ in person, from your pictures your presentation is 100% female.
Maybe the first bartender had been sampling his concoctions and couldn't see straight, because obviously your female!
Maybe the first one outed you as trans and was being a Dick about it.
Quote from: jfong on March 16, 2018, 10:37:36 AM
Probably just so used to sir-ing everyone without even paying attention. I had it happen to me at a pride fest too.. when confronted he apologize.
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I agree.
Wouldn't read much into it. I've sir'ed so many people at times that sometimes it just rolls off the tongue regardless of the person's sex. Based on your looks I would think it was accidental.
Quote from: Angélique LaCava on March 16, 2018, 10:30:41 AMWhy do y'all think the first bartender called me sir?
Assuming there wasn't any narrative disclosure, you were misgendered because of your embodiment. How tall are you, how broad are your shoulders, how is your voice, and what was the lighting like? If your voice is low, and he only saw your silhouette, it would be an easy mistake for someone to make if he's not paying attention.
Quote from: Sophia Sage on March 16, 2018, 12:54:03 PM
Assuming there wasn't any narrative disclosure, you were misgendered because of your embodiment. How tall are you, how broad are your shoulders, how is your voice, and what was the lighting like? If your voice is low, and he only saw your silhouette, it would be an easy mistake for someone to make if he's not paying attention.
but if it was something about me wouldn't my husband have told me? I mean my husband said if I looked anything like a transgender he wouldn't want to be seen with me and he wouldn't have dated me in the first place.
Quote from: Angélique LaCava on March 16, 2018, 02:45:57 PM
but if it was something about me wouldn't my husband have told me? I mean my husband said if I looked anything like a transgender he wouldn't want to be seen with me and he wouldn't have dated me in the first place.
Your husband actually said that to you? Im sorry but that's messed up. Especially since your husband is trans himself.
Quote from: Angélique LaCava on March 16, 2018, 10:30:41 AM
Me and my husband went to a bar last night and after the bartender gave me my drink he said here you go sir. Apparently I made it known that it bothered me without saying anything because my husband said what's wrong babe and I told him what happened and my husband said that it had to be an accident because you look freaking hot and look nothing like a transgender. So on the next drink a different male bartender got me my drink said what can I get you ma'am and when he came ack with my drink he said here you go babe. Why do y'all think the first bartender called me sir?
I'd be more concerned about the second one calling you babe in front of your hubby.
Quote from: Julia1996 on March 16, 2018, 03:09:06 PM
Your husband actually said that to you? Im sorry but that's messed up. Especially since your husband is trans himself.
Probably just trying to make you feel better and over killed it.
Next time someone says that to you, ask them why they are being so rude, so the next time they interact with another trans person they may think twice before acting like that again. And we have buying power, don't leave a tip for someone who has disrespected you, that's just rewarding bad behavior.
Last time it happened to me it was the smarmy little prick on the checkout who said "have a nice day sir". I said "you too bitch". His mates fell about laughing, he wasn't as the supervisor said "see me at shift change Paul"
Unless a person you talking to know you're in transition he/she will know how properly address you. Yesterday I was talking to Customers service from Mylan corporation and she was calling me Ma'am through the whole conversation.
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Quote from: Julia1996 on March 16, 2018, 03:09:06 PM
Your husband actually said that to you? Im sorry but that's messed up. Especially since your husband is trans himself.
he's not trans though. He's not on the hormones anymore and doesn't plan to go back on them. Through his transition he kept stopping them.
Quote from: Cassi on March 16, 2018, 03:22:02 PM
Probably just trying to make you feel better and over killed it.
my husband didn't even know I was trans when he met me and he's never lied to me before.
That's rude I would've corrected him right away. Maybe it's different where you live but that doesn't really happen around here. People/strangers just avoid gendering me at all for the most part.
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There are other reasons this could have happened. Military members sometimes are so used to addressing everybody as sir, they do it out of habit. It's possible to be distracted and forget who you are currently dealing with. It's possible not to be aware of the correct terms to use and last but not least, there is always the good old fashion brain fart. Sometimes it's best to just let it slide but if you decide to discuss it, keep the discussion civil giving him the benefit of the doubt until you know differently.
He simply gendered you male. It happened. I'm sure you're more intimately familiar with your flaws than we possibly could be. It's important to be honest with yourself about them. Try your hardest to change the ones that CAN be changed (if they really bother you), accept the ones that can't be and minimize the chances of this happening again as much as possible.
Don't let your self-esteem hinge on the tiny glimpse of you someone else sees. Whether that's carefully angled photos that make you look your best online or bad angles/lighting that make you look your worst in person. You're a whole person, more than just a snapshot in time.
And you have someone who presumably loves you very much—I mean, he married you! But don't expect his trans issues to totally disappear...you know it doesn't work that way.
Quote from: Dena on March 16, 2018, 07:51:51 PM
There are other reasons this could have happened. Military members sometimes are so used to addressing everybody as sir, they do it out of habit.
This totally happens. I used to work with a retired military guy. Whenever he made a mistake and got flustered he would say "As you were" and a couple of times he shouted, "Stand down!"
Quote from: Dena on March 16, 2018, 07:51:51 PM
There are other reasons this could have happened. Military members sometimes are so used to addressing everybody as sir, they do it out of habit.
We do call female officers Ma'am. One time though I was talking to a Major I just met and I couldn't tell if they were male or female. The haircut was short (but borderline) and the voice was in between. In fatigues everyone's body is hidden. So I said sir and then began doubting myself. Then I said ma'am with the next sentence. The other person never reacted differently either way. Later on that day I learned that they were in fact female.
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Quote from: Dena on March 16, 2018, 07:51:51 PM
There are other reasons this could have happened. Military members sometimes are so used to addressing everybody as sir, they do it out of habit. It's possible to be distracted and forget who you are currently dealing with. It's possible not to be aware of the correct terms to use and last but not least, there is always the good old fashion brain fart. Sometimes it's best to just let it slide but if you decide to discuss it, keep the discussion civil giving him the benefit of the doubt until you know differently.
+1
Quote from: Daisy Jane on March 16, 2018, 10:31:31 PM
This totally happens. I used to work with a retired military guy. Whenever he made a mistake and got flustered he would say "As you were" and a couple of times he shouted, "Stand down!"
And when the military wants everyone to stop talking, they say "at ease" instead of "shut up". :laugh:
Military language is a culture all it's own and many civilians do not fully appreciate this.
Quote from: Angélique LaCava on March 16, 2018, 02:45:57 PMbut if it was something about me wouldn't my husband have told me? I mean my husband said if I looked anything like a transgender he wouldn't want to be seen with me and he wouldn't have dated me in the first place.
It still depends on angle of perception, lighting, silhouette. Your husband probably didn't meet you under the same circumstances, so he might not be able to give you accurate feedback, probably isn't even willing to try to see what might have led to your being misgendered. He's as invested in your gendering as you are.
If your voice is good, though, you can always correct someone else's mistake. "Excuse me?" -- not in a sarcastic way, but expressing genuine confusion. Get the person's attention, have them see and hear you... and then you get into reverse-clocking mode. "Oh, I'm sorry," they say, or something to that effect.
Sounds like Sage advice to me :)
Quote from: Dani on March 17, 2018, 08:45:06 AM
And when the military wants everyone to stop talking, they say "at ease" instead of "shut up". :laugh:
Military language is a culture all it's own and many civilians do not fully appreciate this.
Nor the humor!
Quote from: Cassi on March 17, 2018, 10:35:34 PM
Nor the humor!
Ugh...that's for sure! When someone mixes military humor with their dad humor its just....sad. Lol
I don't know if it's helpful OR productive to construct a narrative around the situation. I don't know who came up with military, but that seems unlikely. You ever hear the saying that the obvious answer is usually the right one?
She's a transgender woman who was called "sir." The obvious answer is usually the right one. Looking at her, there's no way he didn't know she identified as female. So he probably said it to be a jerk. Judging by all her "y'alls" I'd say she lives in the South.
I can say that living in the South was BRUTAL on my early transition. We all go through our phases and have our off days. For me it used to be one minute a guy would say I was the hottest girl he'd ever seen...than I'd here "are you a guy?"
I feel as though FFS has already dramatically improved my overall presentation...so Angelique, it may be better to look into that. But please don't bury your head in the sand. It makes things WORSE emotionally when it becomes impossible to make excuses and it makes you less vigilant—which can be dangerousz