Just wondering, as I know my feeling of being different came along very early in life. But the real breakthrough came 64 years later when I learned that I could take estrogen, despite my health. Too late for surgeries but just right for living the last years of my life as authentically as possible. The mental stability has been fabulous.
Quote from: DawnOday on March 18, 2018, 12:13:38 PM
Just wondering, as I know my feeling of being different came along very early in life. But the real breakthrough came 64 years later when I learned that I could take estrogen, despite my health. Too late for surgeries but just right for living the last years of my life as authentically as possible. The mental stability has been fabulous.
My motivation is easy to understand. To not proceed means going back to a state where I hated being alive and constantly wished I would die. Other than that, it doesn't really have anything to do with living authentically for me. It simply concerns wanting to live.
I just took a really long time before there was an intersection of favorable circumstances in my life and overwhelming despair in my mind. I lived with knowing I was trans for 43 years after I figured it out and thought I could cope and bury it. I was wrong.
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Isn't it strange. I am one of the most stubborn people I know. I quit, drinking, drugging and smoking cold turkey. But I am absolutely flummoxed at ignoring my gender dysphoria. It's always there and has always been there.
I lived 40 years knowing there was something wrong, but I adapted and lived a fulfilling life, even up to the point of when my wife mentioned our healthcare covered gender care. Now I'm on the same life fulfilling path, but more in tune with my true self.
Hi Dawn,
I had only two choices, transition or continue a very destructive path. I chose to be me :)
Quote from: Rachel on March 18, 2018, 12:42:18 PM
Hi Dawn,
I had only two choices, transition or continue a very destructive path. I chose to be me :)
As my Therapist told me either I live the way I was before and be miserable forever, or transition to be who I am and happy. The green light just went off in head and here I am three months into HRT.
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Dawn, I think for people of our generation, being trans was something like an impossible dream. I saw very few people who transitioned happily, if at all. In my head it was like only the most extreme cases (1/10th of 1/10th of 1/10 of a percent) would do something visible in the way of transition. To me I was tortured by dysphoria but just thought I was not a member of that group, hence the term, 'not trans enough' was something I thought of myself. I was thoroughly convinced I was the unlucky, 'middle of the roader' doomed to live as two different battling personalities. The mental pain just got so bad, I finally allowed myself to look on the internet for information. Desperation made me drop my barriers to being discovered just a bit. I thought briefly about herbals, doing something in secret, but I started reading stories of people's positive transitions. By then I had let the Jeannie out of the bottle, and there was no going back. Step by step, I watched transition steps, thinking surely I would be embarrassed or it would be wrong. But it never happened. I can't believe how wrong I was my whole life. I know there are people on this site with the same thought process. It kills me to think that fear will turn them away from finding a happy answer.
Moni
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IbuzEjEHso0
Quote from: Rachel on March 18, 2018, 12:42:18 PM
Hi Dawn,
I had only two choices, transition or continue a very destructive path. I chose to be me :)
I was in the same boat. I drank just about every night for 5 years straight and then I got gout so I was forced into sobriety. After a month I noticed I was thinking clearer than ever and there was a lot of stuff building up and made me realize that I HAD to transition. If these thoughts were still with me when I was thinking clearly then they obviously weren't going away and I had to do something about it, so I started coming out to some friends and then I started seeing a therapist. If I kept it bottled up I know I would have just started drinking again once the gout cleared up and I would have ended up in an early grave, but thing have gotten so much better! Always have hope!
Monica, I don't get to go full out as I can't give up on a relationship that has lasted 35 years. So I settle for what I can get. So far 18 months on E. But at least I can be unleashed for a couple days a week to attend support meetings and Dr. appts. I have developed a deep affinity for my peers as it takes a great amount of courage to do what you have done. I love the fact that I can help advance our cause through voluntary service. Hugs
Maddie, Oh yes. Drinking, taking cocaine, smoking, all dulled the pain, but to what point? Unfortunately they never really make things better, do they?
Yes we are at that age where we had no knowledge of things, still waiting to be told the facts of life from my mum!!!!!!! For me I just needed to transition before getting to old , time is short and with 3 years to go before I can retire needed to get sorted so the strange old lady can move into her retirement bungalow!!!!!!!
Avoid pain, pursue happiness
And curiosity.
Quote from: DawnOday on March 18, 2018, 01:39:13 PM
Monica, I don't get to go full out as I can't give up on a relationship that has lasted 35 years. So I settle for what I can get. So far 18 months on E. But at least I can be unleashed for a couple days a week to attend support meetings and Dr. appts. I have developed a deep affinity for my peers as it takes a great amount of courage to do what you have done. I love the fact that I can help advance our cause through voluntary service. Hugs
Maddie, Oh yes. Drinking, taking cocaine, smoking, all dulled the pain, but to what point? Unfortunately they never really make things better, do they?
I genuinely hope you have found a happy answer for you, whatever that looks like, Dawn. I get the feeling you have.
Moni
Monica Not exactly walking around in a cowboy outfit with a mop handle horse, but I am in my happy place. And no one is bringing me 4 pitchers of beer.
Quote from: DawnOday on March 18, 2018, 03:20:45 PM
Monica Not exactly walking around in a cowboy outfit with a mop handle horse, but I am in my happy place. And no one is bringing me 4 pitchers of beer.
What about the horsey outside the store? But don't drink and ride :)
At the time I was mostly at the end, nowhere left to go. That is when I went to the internet looking for help and found out I was not alone. I was so ignorant about anything transgender, I thought that the only way to transition was through surgery, you know, implants and all that. I had considered that soooo many times in my life. When I found out that I could really transition, in a way that I never imagined was possible, there was nothing in this world that could keep me from it.
I don't know 🤷♀️, I could not see myself living any little bit more of my life male. It was never going to go away so, if not now, when?
I really did just wake up one day and realize that I needed to do something.
I had wondered for a long time if I might be trans, but managed to convince myself that it couldn't be so because I couldn't bear to be the butt of jokes, teasing and bullying. Therefore it couldn't be true.
But one afternoon, I listened to a trans scientist deliver a brilliant lecture and realized that times had changed. A trans person could be out in public without hiding in the shadows, and without being ridiculed. This was about the same time that Caitlyn Jennings was in the news for being on the cover of Vanity Fair.
That was when I woke up from the sleep that I had been in for decades.
I tried to hide it, getting more depressed and resentful, until I could not live with myself any longer, I was at the point of ending it. It was that breaking point that made me realise I had to do something, it was live as me or die.
Just being all I can be!
Quote from: Cassi on March 18, 2018, 04:44:10 PM
Just being all I can be!
Hey, only Army Soldiers can say that![emoji12]
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Quote from: Deborah on March 18, 2018, 04:45:34 PM
Hey, only Army Soldiers can say that![emoji12]
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I don't readily admit to this but with 12 in the Corps, I also had 1 in the CNG but got out because I couldn't get my brass together (no hole in the lapels).
Getting older and realizing the path I was on didn't make me happy. My career didn't make me happy, men didn't make me happy... You get where I'm going with this [emoji4]
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I was drowning in social anxiety, depression and a relentless sense of anger. My breakthrough moment came the night after my daughter's 8th birthday party, most of which I spent literally barricaded into our home office. A whole bunch of buried memories came flooding back and I realised I was physically abused (beaten / shamed) at a very early age by a carer, when I had been caught playing with her makeup. I had buried that memory for 40 years and piled a whole load of baggage on top of it, but once it came back and I'd finished crying it out, my femininity started to unfold. It's still unfolding and I'm just following my heart.
A small incident of many brought me to my current status.
Last year while still in Texas, my 38 year son was staying with me having recently gone thru a divorce. He decides to move to Minnesota and I ask him what about the kids? My grand kids are 7, 6, and 5. His response was they'll want their father to be happy.
While I have no regret to the sacrifices I have made for my family and others in my life, I just couldn't deal with his thought process.
I had moved to Texas because of him and the kids and occasionally seeing them was really a bummer. When he moved, it made it close to impossible to see the kids. My daughter, who had moved to Vegas a year or so earlier kept wanting me to move to Vegas and I had held off for a while but finally came to the conclusion that I needed a different direction. She's 23 today, BTW.
After 30 years of living a lie I woke up one day and knew I had to either stop living or transition. Being dead didn't sound like a good plan so transition it was.
As with so many of us, I always know I was Transgender but buried and suppressed it for decades. I was just content to bodyshave and crossdress regularly in private.
However the obstacles to proceeding were later removed one by one:
1. I researched and discovered so much about it, that so many others feel the same way. Mainly the internet.
2. The subject became gradually more discussed in general.
3. It became possible to go on hormones before public transition.
4. I retired
5. My mum passed away- bitterly sad at her passing but it later opened another door for me.
6. I was always to a certain degree depressed - existing rather than living.
So at age 61 the genie was let out the bottle never to return. I could not rebury and it became so prominent that I had no choice but to proceed. So at age 62 I sought therapy and then went on hormones.
I'm still motivated to proceed and to continue.
Pamela
Quote from: pamelatransuk on March 19, 2018, 08:12:06 AM
As with so many of us, I always know I was Transgender but buried and suppressed it for decades. I was just content to bodyshave and crossdress regularly in private.
However the obstacles to proceeding were later removed one by one:
1. I researched and discovered so much about it, that so many others feel the same way. Mainly the internet.
2. The subject became gradually more discussed in general.
3. It became possible to go on hormones before public transition.
4. I retired
5. My mum passed away- bitterly sad at her passing but it later opened another door for me.
6. I was always to a certain degree depressed - existing rather than living.
So at age 61 the genie was let out the bottle never to return. I could not rebury and it became so prominent that I had no choice but to proceed. So at age 62 I sought therapy and then went on hormones.
I'm still motivated to proceed and to continue.
Pamela
Wow Pamela!
Your list fit me to a tee, though my mom passed away years ago and I'm 2 years older than you :)
My story is relatively simple. I tried hormones and transition at age 21 in 1986. After a year I realized I was too scared and ill equipped to make my way in the world as a trans woman (really just a child still.) I'd just been chased out of the U.S. Army the year before under threat of death after a psychiatrist outed me as gender dysphoric to my commander.
Eleven years later, in the summer of my 33rd year, I spent several hours one night with a bottle of 151 and a handgun trying desperately to put a bullet in my brain. Somehow I just couldn't muster the strength to pull that trigger.
I was out of options... except one last resort. Two weeks later I was back on hormones, a few months after that I transitioned. Officially I transitioned on the job the Monday after Thanksgiving 1998. I have never since regretted or second guessed that action. And I have never since considered self harm under any circumstances. And I never will!
Love,
Miharu
Quote from: Miharu Barbie on March 19, 2018, 02:57:54 PM
My story is relatively simple. I tried hormones and transition at age 21 in 1986. After a year I realized I was too scared and ill equipped to make my way in the world as a trans woman (really just a child still.) I'd just been chased out of the U.S. Army the year before under threat of death after a psychiatrist outed me as gender dysphoric to my commander.
Eleven years later, in the summer of my 33rd year, I spent several hours one night with a bottle of 151 and a handgun trying desperately to put a bullet in my brain. Somehow I just couldn't muster the strength to pull that trigger.
I was out of options... except one last resort. Two weeks later I was back on hormones, a few months after that I transitioned. Officially I transitioned on the job the Monday after Thanksgiving 1998. I have never since regretted or second guessed that action. And I have never since considered self harm under any circumstances. And I never will!
Love,
Miharu
First, do no harm - especially to one's self - glad you're still with us!
Quote from: Kylo on March 18, 2018, 02:02:10 PM
Avoid pain, pursue happiness
And curiosity.
All this. Dysphoria, euphoria, and...
The mortal woman Psyche approaches the god Eros, asleep in their bed. He is shrouded in darkness, as ever. She carries an oil lamp (lit and covered, but ready to unveil), for she has yet to see the face of her lover -- this god who saved her from the monster up on those harrowing cliffs, who whisked her away to Paradise, to have all she could ever want, everything except to see his face. She'd felt his body, for many moons now, but was he beautiful or was he too a monster? "There are rules," he'd said, and nothing more. The oil lamp trembles in her hand.
She remembers the voices of her sisters, who came to visit. Why does he never show his face? Why give her all this -- a castle, luxury, servants -- if he didn't have something to hide? How could she possibly trust this arrangement? The voices in her head, she cannot silence them. Psyche unveils the lamp. Behold, a vision of beauty, no monster in the bed. So beautiful, she almost drops the lamp -- but this is enough to wake the god. "All of this must end now," he says, "for there are rules. Why did you do this?"
"I had to know," she replies.
Darkness. She wakes up. Paradise is gone. No castle, no luxuries, no servants. She is alone, in the wilderness.
It had to be this way, or she would never have become a goddess in her own right.
Quote from: Kylo on March 18, 2018, 02:02:10 PM
Avoid pain, pursue happiness
And curiosity.
Indeed.
"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall."
Confucius
It's simple, really: Every moment you have two options to decide on what to do, and you just pick the one that makes you feel better out of those two.
What keeps me going is constantly striving to make my life/situation/mental health better. One thing always leads to another. And another. Once you get the ball rolling.
Acknowledging that the time it took for me to get here wasn't time wasted by any means - it took so long as it did because of the circumstances and decisions I made based on that moment and the knowledge I had back then.
Thinking about every day (and every moment), 'how can I make my life a little easier/better?'
Because I WANT this for myself. Because I CAN do this. When you want something enough, you'll find means to do it, even if it feels hard at times. Your inner gut is just telling you, 'I need to do this.' When you have decided on doing something, nothing can stop you. You know you WILL do it - no matter how long it takes or how hard it gets. You just need to do this for yourself.
If you get lost on track or lose motivation, remind yourself
why you are doing it. What is it that you want to achieve? (Such as openly living & passing as a woman.)
My motivation was relatively simple.
For 52 years I thought I was the only one that felt like they were born th wrong gender. Then, a couple years later, I found out I could actually DO something about it!
Since my kid was grown and off doing their own thing, I was disabled and no longer had to punch a time clock, I decided now was the best time to transition.
Moving to an new state and in with the transman of my dreams only made the choice to transition easy. He's been super-supportive through these last 15.5 months, and i he wants to, one day he too will be able to make the choice to transition. Whether or not he does actually transition means nothing to me.
Either way I look at it, my transitioning, while long overdue, was worth it! I finally am able to act the way *I* am naturally, instead of the "fake for me" things Society tells me to do, like sitting with my legs together. I naturally sit with my legs apart, amd now its expected!
Being able to act like myself, dress like myself and look closer to how I SHOULD look in the mirror is so freeing and satisfying for me! I can no longer have it any other way. [emoji4]
I suppose we all have our paths to follow in order to become happy with the person we need to be, inside and out. The important thing is to take that path, and be happy!
Ryuichi
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