I've never been an extroverted person, which I think has a lot to do with me not being comfortable with my gender. But lately since it dawned on my that I have dysphoria and decided to transition I feel as if I could not care less about anything or anyone. I spend most of my time shut in at home daydreaming about the day when I'm 100% passable and accepted by my family and people in general. And until that day comes I feel like I'm not in the mood to do anything, not even going out with friends (not that I have many anyway) or doing any activities. But at the same time there's this voice within me that tells me that this is not right and that I should be doing something else with my life. I'm feeling so lonely right now.
You need to keep up on life. You will never feel right sitting staring into yourself. Being 100% passable is a goal but it's not required to feel right. I can go anywhere at any time and feel I fit right in as far as it goes for me is that I see the person in the mirror looking back and I am happy and comfortable with who is looking back at me. Acceptance will be there, maybe not from all but are they realy friends if they don't accept you. Talk with us, talk with others. Find a local group and talk. It will help
Free your mind, your ass will follow.
Speaking as someone who hid away from the world in her mind for four decades, it's not worth it. Hiding away doesn't make anything better, just makes us more afraid.
Hence the saying.
BUT!
Fake it till you make it is also a saying. Do until what you are doing becomes you.
SO! Maybe the saying should be...
Get off our ass and our mind will fall in line.
Lol, either way doesn't happen when we sequester ourselves away.
i have an intense desire to lock myself in my apartment and never go out again. But it feeds my depression. And occasionally when I go out, despite not being at all passable, I have an OK time. So I try to think about the OK days and times and not all the rest
Thanks for sharing about this because this is exactly how I feel. I really try to avoid awkward situations that I'm misgendered in. Still, I try to go for walks here and there and not really interact with others... it's lonely and dating is completely out of question too. I feel like I can't stop seeing a male and everything about that gets under my skin.
I stopped going to work and I'm supposed to go back at the end of April but avoiding it and the people I work with has been so much better. Personally, I don't regret my decision. Transitioning is about the journey and not the destination, so yes, making myself comfortable is most important.
I just keep it in my mind that this is temporary. My hair will grow out, hrt will continue to do what it can and I'll move on. I'm not sure if you're like me but do you pick at every flaw you have? It's super draining. I just keep thinking "one year, give it one more year". Then I try to plan out how I can financially survive it and honestly I have to go back to work.
My situation is kind of extreme but I really think anyone who manages to keep their life going the same as ever while transitioning is truly inspiring. I wish I could and I just can't. For me, there's a clear line I've jumped across. It's lonely but I'd rather be honest with myself and alone then pretending to be something I'm not.
I think this will pass. What's one or even 2 years? In the long run, yes it's best to enjoy life in the moment, but who said I'm enjoying it? I feel bitter that 27 years I missed so much. I think I'm grieving..
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I'm having the same feelings. Besides work I don't want to go out and see people. I will be working with a new therapist and things should get better. HRT should get me out more. I look like a man but walk like a woman. I am M2F but have always had feminine traits. I am more worried about looking like a woman and passing. People's opinions don't matter much to me. These feelings I have always had along with the thoughts need to turn into reality. But we need to get out in public so we don't become recluse. Good luck.
I relate to this SO MUCH! Luckily I have university otherwise I'd probably never leave the house. Only a few more months until my surgeries so I'm hanging in there.
Hello Camorflage
I am sorry you are feeling this way and I do sympathise as I spend a lot of time in the house.
I see you have recently started hormones as did I 7 weeks ago - so at least you have taken action to start your journey. I assume you also have a therapist and if not, I would suggest you get one as a good one will help you on your journey including points about not being reclusive and "coming out".
I hope you soon feel better and I wish you the best of your journey.
Pamela
The problem with hiding away is that a day turns into a week, a week turns into a month, a month turns into a year......... I spent 30 years of my life hiding away, you'd be surprised how quickly time passes when you're chasing ideals. It's like being that donkey with a carrot dangling just out of reach.
Just maybe think of all the things you can be doing, even if it's not gender related. Anything but withdrawing from the world. It's important to stay fit, physically and mentally for transition. I'm working on both just now in prep for what's to come. So lots to be getting on with.
It's also good to vent at times. I know when I make my feelings public I'm essentially being proactive about my situation. A burden shared is a burden halved as the saying goes.
I hope things improve for you soon, it's not an easy path for most of us so wishing you strength and clarity for the road ahead. :)
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie
Camoflauge - I'm with Shy as I too hid out for far too long. I am the Links administrator for the site and would love to show you places where, who you are is more important than how you present. Once I finally met transgender people, I no longer feel alone. Once I came out to family the stress of being someone with a secret disappeared. I have gotten a little more adventurous and I am not by nature too adventurous. Going to get my hair done tomorrow is an example. Time to come out of the shadows. Remember the best antiseptic is sunlight. Bring your beautiful self out into the sun.
Thanks everyone for sharing your experience with me! I have no one to talk about this IRL so it truly means a lot to me. I hope we all find the acceptance we deserve for being our true selves <3