I'm curious to know how everyone KNEW that your only choice was to transition? I have been struggling with gender dysphoria my whole life (40+ years) and I'm now at a point where I feel like I'm completely trapped. In the past I've been able to convince and distract myself by various means, but this time I feel like that's just not possible. I'm married to a wonderful loving wife, but she has said repeatedly that she doesn't want a relationship with a woman. I have children that I love and I worry about the effect it will have on them. I feel like I'm trapped between this unrelenting gender dysphoria and being able to save my family.
I'm sure someone here has been or is in this same situation. How did you or are you making the decision to transition?
My wife has been great with letting me be more feminine, but it's just not enough. It's not about clothes and makeup. My body is just wrong!
My therapist keeps telling me I'm eventually going to have to make a decision, but how do I choose between being comfortable in my own skin and keeping family healthy and happy? How did you choose?
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The night I was riding my Harley over a bridge and considering whether to run head on into a truck or drive off the bridge . I thought to me self.."..hmmmm this thinking is problematic. I should take a look at this seriously !.." .
J
Last year, I got divorced and realized that I had everything the male version of me could have wanted. A wife who I truly loved, two daughters, a house, and successful career. We were at the point in our lives were we could afford little luxuries. With all that we (I) was not happy. I had a nagging feeling that was with me my whole life. So after the divorce I figured well I already tried that life and failed miserably why repeat it to fail again? and still be stuck with those same feelings. So I chose to transition instead of taking another more permanent choice.
I was at a similar point but I knew that I had a "choice". I could either transition or commit slow suicide by neglect.
I had no joy in life except my wife and my son who was 30 at the time. I had only just realized that I was trans. I had blocked out any hints of it for over 50 years, but ten years before I admitted it to myself I had started having difficulty doing that anymore. I began unconsciously sabotaging my life. Thoughts came more frequently even though I still managed to tamp them down.
Four years ago I couldn't hold it in anymore. I also realized what I had done to my family. I had to make a choice and I chose life. So now I'm simultaneously transitioning and trying to repair as much of the damage I caused as I can.
I was much luckier than I deserved. I've lost no one, not even my wife although our relationship is a little strained.
I'm not saying your situation is entirely like mine. Obviously you're more honest with yourself than I was. I am saying take a critical look at yourself and make sure you're not making things harder on your family.
The spy who came in from the cold in the War Between the Sexes.
When the anxiety attacks started interfering with work.
I tried everything else first.
- Religion failed too many times to count
- Extreme exercise broke my body
- Alcohol was destroying my health
- Suicide was not an option although death was desired
There was simply nothing left to try!
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Be careful about false dichotomies. Is it a choice between a happy family and a happy you?
Sometimes we find that the real choice is between a real life or a fake life. There is always a price to be paid for being fake, and it's often eventually paid by our loved ones as well.
Only you can answer that question, but look beyond the surface before you do...
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" get busy living or get busy dying" shawsank redemption
i was going to kill myself at 22 and thought im going to try and be me first if i fail there is always the other option. i didn't fail :)
Quote from: Colleen_definitely on March 29, 2018, 09:30:30 AM
When the anxiety attacks started interfering with work.
This was my time too. I had already tried other things like bdsm, being gay, overcompensating with exercise, religion, hobbies, not alcohol or drugs, but suicide by neglect was a real possibility. Once my attacks threatened my employment, I decided it was time.
Bari Jo
I also wanted to point out that we're a self selected group. People who manage to hold it in don't hang out here for long. Seeing us transition had to be stressful for them like being a dieter at a bakery.
The spy who came in from the cold in the War Between the Sexes.
Quote from: noitsbecky on March 29, 2018, 09:51:47 AM
" get busy living or get busy dying"
Probably my favourite quote from anywhere.
Relevant to transition when you realize the condition is slowly throttling you.
Oh gosh, I still don't really know and I'm 6 months on hrt. I sometimes feel like being andro isn't so bad. It's mainly my thought process to accept my situation in life though. I feel like going from male to female messes with our minds. I know I'm being critical of this experience but it's true for me.
I think the one thing that's pretty obvious to is that I was never really a "male". I grew (still do a bit) facial hair and have a penis but nothing about me is male. I don't believe I'm intersex either.
I always knew women were deemed more desirable. But my attraction to men only got stronger. I didn't feel "trapped in my own body" because I had a tinge of arrogant confidence and also, curves. Now I'm just a full blown egomaniac.. lol just kidding
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All my life, while I have tried to leave my future options open, I never really took a look at what my future would be like. But, at age 61, I started looking ahead. I realistically only have 20-30 years left.
I thought that I was not free to be myself, and going forward for the rest of my life that way would certainly lead to serious depression. And I had a pretty good idea how that depression would have ended if I had let it go there. So I thought that, although I was not yet suicidal, this was the time to get off that road while I still could. The visualization of myself living that gray, dismal future was enough to convince me that anything, absolutely anything else had to be a better option.
Heading for the cemetary. Not by my own hand, I lack the courage but when your drunk & stoned all the time accidents happen. Fell down stairs through a glass door with minor cuts, set the kitchen on fire, knocked a radio into the bath etc.I tried living female at nights & the weekend but it wasn't enough. I hated changing back on a Sunday night.
There was nothing left. For more than a year before I decided to transition I just wanted it over, then I found out transition was possible. I was 44 at the time and I had struggled my whole life, I knew it was not going away.
I am not sure that helps though. I never had a family, was not even able to have a normal relationship with a woman and had spent most of my alone. I have always felt a little envy mixed with sadness for trans people with families who have to make that decision. I have wanted children for so long, but to risk losing them... I don't know. Never being attracted to women and fighting this my whole life left me without that question to answer.
My heart goes out to you.
Hugs
If we discount the fact that I never looked masculine, never acted masculine, and trying to act like a guy was like a dog trying to act like a rabbit, we get down to the nitty gritty. I was very unhappy with myself. Prayers to wake up as a woman did not work. The only prayers that did work, was when I asked for guidance.
Every time I'd get depressed, others thought I was already becoming a woman, only for that to fade back to androgyny later. I had to do something, and that something was to go ahead and transition.
By the time I was going on 28, and realized after my last attempt at a "substitute" for transitioning (believe it or not OCS in the Marine Corps - its a good thing I was physically washed out due to my shoulder not being 100% after the mega-dislocation it suffered when I was hit by a car while running, since I was freaking out over the expectation they had in OCS for you to be uber butch [I'd hoped to get away with being kind of sexless - wrong!!!!], and was heading towards a nervous breakdown), that there was nothing else that would work for me. After that realization, everything was geared towards money and a career that would get me not only to transition, but SRS. My biggest fear (especially after reading of accounts of people who experienced it), was of running out of money, and winding up permanently stalled out in a pre-op/non-op state.
By age 35 (in 1998), I was out of time. I was having too many days where I did very dangerous things that could get you killed, or going for runs along secluded parts of the Lake Michigan shoreline (when gender dysphoria was beyond painful for me), with the express purpose, of taking my running shoes off, and taking a one-way swim out into The Lake. I had several instances, when I stopped running for several minutes at a time, and stood a couple of feet from the water, struggling with myself over doing the act. Throw in occasionally crying myself to sleep, and listening to very dark songs that were almost like death anthems for me (a lyrical verse from Danzig's "Cantspeak" ["I Can't Dream, I Can't Cry, I Keep Thinking Of Suicide"] was in heavy rotation song-wise in my head), and I knew that I had to start transitioning (despite not having enough money to cover all of the costs to my satisfaction) or the chances were, that I wouldn't be alive by 2000.
I had known I was different all my life, dressing even as a child. In my early 30s I was able to put a name on it, but being married with children, I thought it best if I suppressed it, took my secret to the grave.
Over the decades the dysphoria brought me more depression and anxiety, making me a pretty unpleasant person, suppressing emotions and generally being a cold zombie. At age 62 I decided I had had enough and planned out my suicide. I bailed at the last minute and called a help line. It rapidly became obvious I had to transition, or deal with suicidal ideation.
This is exactly where I am right now! I'm married to a wonderful woman and I love my kids more than anything. My wife has told me that she is not interested in being In a relationship with a woman and what little my teenage kids know about me so far has them saying to each other that they think I'm gay. I would die for any one of them without question!
I can't break my commitment to them to be a husband to my wife and a father to my kids but I know that I can't continue living as a male. I have thought a lot lately that if I just died I wouldn't be breaking my commitment to them and I wouldn't have to continue living in this male body. I know the thinking is flawed, I know I won't be able to be a father or a husband if I die, but I can't live with hurting my family either.
I am so stressed about all of this that I am in physical pain, I have had horrible abdominal pain for weeks that the doctors can't find any reason for. I go to bed every night praying to get cancer or some incurable disease so I can just die and be rid of this mental and physical anguish.
Thank you everyone for your responses! I really do appreciate them. I feel that this is going to kill me one way or the other.
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Sorry!
I just read back through my last message and I'm not trying to scare anyone. I'm not suicidal right now.
I'm in a lot of pain and am desperate for some answer to present itself.
Thank you again to everyone for replying and offering your help and insight, it really does help to hear your stories. Thank You!
Jessie
The panic attacks. Ten years of chest pains, neck pains, jaw pains, irregular heartbeats, high blood pressure, extreme anxiety, no discernible physical cause, antidepressants, beta blockers, tranquilizers didn't work, anti anxiety meds didn't work, at the end of that ten years I was almost house bound. I transitioned to save my sanity and my career, and my life.
A few weeks before I entered therapy I had a ten second run of irregular heartbeats accompanied by the worst pain in my jaw I ever felt in my life. The cardio said it was a near heart attack and would have turned into one if it had lasted any longer.
I transitioned because I wanted to live.
Hugs, Carly
Jessie,
Your story is very similar to mine, 42, SO and two kids.
I've not made the choice yet, but am on the verge. Not cause I'm suicidal, at least yet, but because everyday is starting to become a drag.
I'm becoming less of a partner to my SO and less of a role model for the boys.
My partner, she has said the same as yours, no intention of dating a woman though she supports me being more feminine.
I've spent all my life doing the masculine things to convince myself I'm male. Talked like the guys, always doing very male focused sports, riding motorcycles, loving cars etc. But none of it ever took away the feeling of how amazing I felt putting on women's clothes, playing with makeup and the excitement shopping for my female self.
You seem to be in therapy, I am too, what an amazing support, it's what keeps things from not coming fully apart right now.
My therapist and I have talked about me coming out to them in a session where they are invited, maybe it will be one for my SO and on for the boys afterwards. They are only 9 and 12 currently.
Could you imagine doing something similar? With the support of the therapist you can explain pretty much the post you just made here. The struggle you have everyday trying to hold everything together. Not sure how old your kids are but at least your wife needs to hear how much this is "killing" you slowly.
I think that theme is extremely common here, even if some don't even consider hurting themselves on purpose, it does seem like eventually, that might be in the cards.
I've not started yet, as I mentioned, but I'm headed there as I'm dealing with first the recent loss of my mother and now my father is about to leave as well, so I just realized after also loosing my sister that life can suddenly be so short, that we do owe it to ourselves to try and save ourselves and as mentioned in another post, get busy living because the alternative is simply get busy dying.
If you do feel like talking with somebody in a very similar situation, I know it could help me as well, PM me and I'll share my details so we can talk.
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I was just plain miserable. Yes more options as a guy in my world, but my gender dysphoria was really making me depressed. I tried the guy thing for 44 years, it just was plain miserable. Now on hrt, and not transitioned? Its weird, its like yea, I get looks and the like for my femmy appearance, but I'm like "so what?", I'm cool with myself.
When it came down to transition or die. After drinking to the point I got the shakes if I didn't drink, and several active suicide attempts it became obvious that I sucked at suicide, active or passive. It was finally time to try something different, and maybe trying to live. Since I have transitioned I have decided to address my other demons and have started to take care of my physical and mental health. As my 50th birthday looms on the horizon I can honestly say I never pictured myself here, but I can't imagine myself anywhere else either.
Noise.
This rattled round in my head since my early days. I remember this feeling of pressure and noise in my head. It kinda sounded like that noise in the advert for Prometheus. But louder, angrier. It never seemed to go away unless I wore appropriate clothing an so on. Or obtaining alcohol subdued it.
It disappeared after I started HRT. Now is just feels like a bleep and signal lost sound.
I kinda miss it. It feels a bit empty up there now, even 20ish years down the line.
My respect for you all has grown, just by reading your stories, and how you have overcome, or are trying to overcome your inner turmoil about your gender.
I'm at the point where I am out to my wife and 11 year old. I've been on HRT for around ten years, and it has helped me immensely. My spouse is concerned that I'm looking too feminine, but I haven't yet reconciled what I plan on doing with my relationship with her, because I can't stop HRT, and don't plan on looking less feminine (can't really control that one while I'm on hormones). The dysphoria is lessened, but as so many of you have said, it is still there, and probably won't go away until I'm living full time.
I send my love to all of you!!
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Jessica, first about your physical symptoms I'd suggest reading "the body keeps the score" by Bessel van der Kolk. If you can't afford the book I can probably send you a copy of the journal article of the same title.
To the effect on your family. Remember your wife has always been married to a woman, it may and maybe should take time to adjust but some people do. For instance I had to wait a long time after surgery to receive head from my GF but it finally happened and she definitely enjoyed giving. I never thought I'd see that day.
To your question, some form of transition was my only option. I waited 20 years to start hrt and I don't consider that was optional but some people can't for medical reasons. I'm tremendously glad I've had GCS, life is simply better after.
Your kids will come around most likely. The only person in my life who was absolutely not accepting was my sis and we broke ties long ago over this. Her loss.
I always pretty much knew my only choice was to transition. I wasn't male and I could never have successfully pretended to be.
Ladies,
What do I say other than we all share more or less the same story.
I have done the racing motorbikes, cars, built cars, houses, had a successful business career and here I find my self reduced to a gibbering wretch of a man who is failing in my duties to my wife and kids. I am grumpy, disengaged, not sleeping and struggling with terrible anxiety.
I have wrestled with my dysphoria for 12+ years and after lots of counselling and dressing in private my wife discovered my challenges about 18 months ago. More recently my dysphoria has contributed to the loss of my job (not through discrimination) due to my not performing at the best of my ability.
I have now taken positive steps and am working with a private GIC here in the UK and also my own counsellor who continues to provide tremendous support. I will start HRT in the next week or so and now need to find ways to bring my wonderful wife (and 2 kids) on this journey with me, wherever it may take me. Mistakenly I took some photo's after my last counselling session that I now can't stop looking at them as I know it to be the real (and better) me.
My wifes situation is similar to many others described - she is in denial about my situation (despite my wardrobe that now contains only womens clothes bar work wear) and probably won't accept a transition. I love her with all of my heart but continuing as I am is not an option. With my father being terminally ill (who has been my best friend for 40+ years) my resolve is to allow him to die not having to confront my demons. My fortitude to continue after that will be limited - I know I must transition or suicide by neglect or action will be a real possibility.
I came out to my cousin last week who was incredibly supportive and has helped me move forward more in 7 days than I have in years. Her first words when she saw me was "What have you done with my cousin - you look incredible!!!". This was probably one of my happiest moments in years but my dypshoria when I have to pretend to be the person everyone knows me as is killing me.
Despite all of this I remain resolute in my belief in the future and that I deserve to fulfil my dreams and needs (even if they have changed) and I will continue to look after everyone else as best I can. A broken wreck of a man will not help any of them if I continue as is.
My best wishes to all of you - United we move forward thanks to the wonderful team here at Susan's and I hope our shared experience helps us all navigate the bumps in the road that will inevitably come at us.
Nikki
Girl. You need to start taking care of YOU. Make amends to your wife by all means but it's your life. You many not see it now but you will be doing right by both yourself and everybody else.
Please take care of your self, and work with your therapist on a plan. Are you at a point where you can move forward layer by layer and feel like you are making progress? Or are you at the point where you must now live as a woman?
I can relate to your situation. My wife is supportive, but does not want to be with a woman. She wants me to take at least 3 years to get to an early retirement date and older point for the kids.
My friend tells me to make a trade off with family happiness and comprimise. Well intentioned but does not know what this feels like!
My therapist is good and is encouraging a layer by layer approach, and part time as a woman, to see if I can find a happy place.
In he end, I too fear that the only happy place will be a full transition, and that it may cost me my old life. I too have thought death, not suicide, would be a better option for all. I have have integrated remained things into my daily routine and it feels good, but not enough given the miss alignment of my inner and outer self. When I spend a night or week end as a woman it feels amazing, and it is so hard when I leave it and switch back.
I too don't feel like a good spouse or parent right now. I am working rally hard on keeping the discussion open with my wife and not building a wall. I will keep working with my therapist. And I will keep taking a step by step approach, to feel like I am acknowledging my female self and moving. I will try to take it slow. Next on my layer by layer list is facial electrolysis, keeping hair growing, nails and brows, maybe some minor facial work....and finding more time as a woman.
Please talk to your therapist and be honest. Life is so precious, and it's important you take care of you.
never having suffered from dysphoria as such it was just my body did not fit in with how my brain said it should. I say its like a previous life memory and since being able to live as me this last year things feel right, now just waiting for the HRT to catch up
Quote from: softbutchharley on March 29, 2018, 09:15:38 AM
The night I was riding my Harley over a bridge and considering whether to run head on into a truck or drive off the bridge . I thought to me self.."..hmmmm this thinking is problematic. I should take a look at this seriously !.." .
J
Okay - I admit it was a rental car in San Diego and a big bridge.
JillianC's response was pretty close too. I was 54, married with kids out of school, two incomes.... we could do whatever we wanted. Now I'm single living alone in the city on one income. It's a change in a number of ways, but at least the screaming in my head is gone!
I realized that I had to transition when I finally felt I was willing to roll the dice and risk losing all I have built up in my life, including my family and my income. This was last summer.
I'm married to a woman and have three kids in school and have a serious career as a CEO for a small financial institution. Through the years, I have tried to convince myself that it is my duty to take my secret to the grave and upholding the polished look of the perfect family life. When I finally looked myself in the mirrorand realized that I'd rather be alone and without a job, but as a woman, I realized I had to transition.
My wife didn't want be to transition as she is only attracted to women. My children are supportive. As for now, we will stay married in a platonic polyamorous relationship, i e, both my wife and I seek intomate partners outside of our marriage. In doing so, we do not need to split the family withe negative consequences for our children.
When I was on a Summer holiday and felt totally uncomfortable in a male swimsuit. I had spent thousands of dollars on the holiday and I felt it was a huge waste of money because I couldn't enjoy myself. I needed to be in a bikini.
My body had already transitioned in its own way when I was born. Yes, I was born male but grew up too girly in too many ways (mostly physically). Unfortunately I will always be closeted and I have accepted that reality. I have been on HRT for two years and I am transitioning more (large, growing breasts already) than I should if I stay in the closet. But I can't stop HRT after all this time. My way of doing things is wrong, I know, but my face is simply too masculine to fully transition from the neck up ???. HRT is not helping there. Hopefully in year three, my face will start catching up with these nice two-year-old breasts. Fingers crossed....
Hi Jessie...
In "Man's Search for Meaning," Viktor Frankl wrote "To live is to suffer. To survive is to find meaning in suffering. This is our quest throughout life."
There is large suffering such as feeling on the knife's edge of whether to transition or not, the desire for closure and the fear of opening Pandora's box to greater difficulty or suffering.
But our essence begins with life and self-definition. Who and how we are are the anchor of the rest... the relationships, how other's respond to us, celebration and meaning and excitement.
There are two "accommodations," you accommodating your needs and essence and your world accommodating you. Each of us find peace by walking that path and allowing events to play out. There's only so much that any of us can "control."
If "to live is to suffer," that challenge is indeed to resolve the suffering and grow meaning. --Bjaiy
For me I could not go on living the lie of a life I was living I hated myself I hated my life I tried and did so many things to try to be someone that I was not I hurt people that should never have been hurt and I was at the point where I was going to end my life. So I made a discussion that I would transition no matter what it cost me so I would not let down my mother. That was basically it. My mom past when I was 8 and I know she would just want me to be happy
After my dads funeral in may of 2015 and meeting up with the children of my abuser it brought everything back up fresh in my head. At this point I had years of self harm and self abuse and stuffing all my emotions but never hurt anyone else. Almost destroyed my current marriage but couldn't put my finger on it for another year(2016). Then my mindset started to change and over another year to may of 2017 my mind became set on transitioning. Suicide thoughts abounded and I hated me and it. Meds started in may 2017 and I've never been happier. Finally came out to my wife in December of 2017 and we are working together to move forward.
to be or not to be
...the day I realised I was about to start doing yet another harmful thing to myself...when the constant taunting dysphoria lead me to once again start to plan my own death I knew it was time to seek help....I was so tired of always ending up here....there had to be a better way because taking my own life was no solution.
I realized that, in order to be able to function, I had to transition.
That was my turning point.
Hi Jessie,
I'm at the same point as you are now. I have pretty much everything a person wants, wonderful family, a stable job that allows me some luxuries, a loving and caring wife who is carrying our baby to be born in a few months. Even so, I was still an empty person living the life that others expected of me.
Since my childhood, there is not a single day when I did not fantasize about being a woman. I always knew I wanted this, always been jealous of women, wondering how is it like living as one. I lurked all over internet searching for fiction, porn to fill my need... I crossdressed... It has never been enough.
I always thought that transgender people was restricted to those freaks that do tons of surgeries and end up like monsters, or prostitutes. Of course I was naive and foolish.
I started seeing good results of trans women, either here or in other places. So I knew it was something attainable, even if extremely difficult. I remember sitting and thinking it through... I was 35 yr old and I was going to live at least another 35 years like that. I sorry excuse of a grumpy man that relies on porn and keeps daydreaming of living a different life. My work performance was already affected, my wife noticed my increased angriness and dissatisfaction with everything. So, the prognostic was obvious.
I still waited another year so that we could get pregnant. Anxiety and depression only scaled up. Then I started HRT this January. It was very difficult and still is. I stopped the HRT cold turkey twice over the last 3 months. But I will always go back. Put a kid in a candy store and tell them they can have anything they want... can you make them exit? HRT is the same thing. I am amazed with all small changes I'm experiencing... there is no turning back, I am sure of it. I will face this challenge and do everything I can to make it work. I won't live in fear and despair any longer.
Different than you, I have a supporting wife. If she ever said she would not tolerate me living as a woman, I would stop. I can't live without her. But she accepted the challenge, to my relief.
My suggestion is, try everything you can to have her beside you. Bring her to therapy, talk to her and be honest. The person you are is not changing, only allowing a happier and fully realized version of yourself to exist. Looks are not forever, so isn't sexual life. My wife is not a lesbian but she could understand this, we can be together and even explore new situations. I don't know if we will stay together in the long term, but we are surely trying, because we love each other. I'm sure your wife will end up understanding if she truly loves the person you are and have always been.
Please keep posting, do not give up.
I always knew I was trans since the age of 4 but I managed to "keep it at bay" by bodyshaving and crossdressing in private all my life and by burying myself in my work.
I expected that I would enjoy retirement and continue to live with my trans situation. However my mum died in 2015 and I was bitterly disappointed and took over a year to come to terms with it. After that my transgender status became more prominent and I could no longer suppress and then I realized that for so much of my life I had been just existing rather than living.
Consequently at the age of 62 I had to face it - I could either remain depressed for the rest of my life or seek therapy and then HRT. I chose the latter.
Pamela