Hi there,
I use my gender neutral middle name. Casey. I'm 42 and I live in Central Texas.
I am an anatomical male and very much a female on the inside. I won't be transitioning. While I have never been diagnosed as gender dysphoric (because I can't afford councilling), I fit every single one of the DSM-5 markers for it, and I know what I feel inside.
First let me start by saying, that this is something I have never discussed with anyone before. I have severe social anxiety on top of my identity problems and so its very hard for me to open up to people. On top of that I can not afford really any of the medical councilling or other things that lead to transition, and as I am now middle-aged and was cursed with a tall, broad-shouldered build, I am not sure I even would want to.
I have wanted to be female my entire life. I clearly remember back all the way to grade school believing so. I grew up in a home run by my mother and grandmother who I idolized, and my abusive brother who I still hate to this day. My father was a disgusting pig who beat my mother and blissfully was never in my life as she divorced him when I was a toddler. When I was little I had dolls and stuffed animals provided by my grandmother. When I started school I usually was either hiding to avoid other guys or playing with the girls when they would actually let me. In my early teens over summer break and while my brother was thankfully gone, I would dress in my mother's clothes and actually loved how I looked. I was a lanky teen and took after my mother and so it wasn't hard to look at least decent. Unfortunately, I never could of ever really brought up my feelings at the time to my mother, and when I hit my mid-teens and puberty, I gained 7 inches of height (I am 6' 4") and developing very masculine features... which for me killed any chances of ever being the girl I wanted desperately to be.
So I am very much the woman trapped in a hideous man's body. Note, and I don't mean to offend anyone when I say "hideous man's body" .. I am speaking strictly of my own and because of my own hatred for my reflection I have developed a sort of repulsion for the male form. I don't hate men, I just don't really want to look at them. Which is a perfect segway to the fact that despite very badly wanting to be a woman, I am also still very much attracted to them.
I have tried a few outlets to relieve how I feel, mostly reading fiction and maintaining a trans-female online presence in Second Life, but I literally have no one to talk to in RL that I trust with this kind of secret.
I suffer from very very bad depression, yes suicidal at times and though I don't act on the impulses they are there. I have self-harmed in the past (cutting) mostly out of hatred for my own skin. I am being treated for the depression but not the underlying cause, which as I've eluded to I can't really discuss with anyone, which is kind of what brought me here. I am totes rambling and actually crying as I write (I am an emotional wreck in general) this so I will end it here except to say again. Hello.
-Casey
Hello Casey (aka Two Spirits), I see that you are new here and may have questions and concerns, this is the right place for you to be to find out what others have done that may have been in your circumstances.
Be aware that there are lots of members here that can identify with the issues that you brought up in your introduction posting.
WELCOME to Susan's Place. You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others about your transition and to read about others transitions and their trials, tribulations, and successes in their transition journey.
It is nice that you have signed up so you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other members.
When frustrated or if you have a successful moment in your journey you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....
***It's a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new friends here.
Please come in and get involved at your own pace. Be sure to look at the Links that I posted below, there is information about the site that will help you navigate around and best utilize the features here.
Again, Welcome.
Danielle
Here are some links to the site rules and stuff that all new members should be familiar with:
Things that you should read
Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html) | Standard Terms & Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html) | Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.) | Cautionary Note (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,82221.0.html) |
Reputation rules (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,18960.0.html) | News posting & quoting guidelines (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,174951.0.html) | Photo, avatars, & signature images policy (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,59974.msg383866.html#msg383866) | Membership Agreement (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,216851.0.html) |
Hi Casey :icon_wave:
Welcome to Susan's Place :) Glad to have you here, join on in the fun
Hugs
V M
Casey,
Welcome. You have found one of the best support networks around (imho)
Dont give up hope. I am 6'5'' and 2 years ago would have described my self almost exactly the way you do. Spemd some time here and you will find many amazing stories.
Our great group here continue to is inspire me with their progress. I hope to emulate them
Nikki
Welcome to Susan's Place. There are options that aren't overly costly but could allow you some form of transition. Group therapy if available is much less costly than private therapy. Some doctors will charge on your ability to pay and HRT can be relatively low cost. As you explore this site, you will discover that passing isn't necessary to have a great life. It's important that you view this site with an open mind because far more may be possible than you think.
Hi Two Spirits! I am relatively new here and have found a lot of amazing information here that has helped me on my journey.
I wanted to say that I really like your nickname also, in the area that I live (and I think most of Canada) we use the term LGBTQ2, obviously you know what it means but for those that don't the 2 reflects what indigenous people referred to for people who had both a male and female spirit.
Quote from: BrandiYYC on April 06, 2018, 08:07:56 PM
Hi Two Spirits! I am relatively new here and have found a lot of amazing information here that has helped me on my journey.
I wanted to say that I really like your nickname also, in the area that I live (and I think most of Canada) we use the term LGBTQ2, obviously you know what it means but for those that don't the 2 reflects what indigenous people referred to for people who had both a male and female spirit.
Hi there, and thank you. Yes that is exactly where it comes from. My grandfather was Blackfoot and so I learned alot from him about different NA cultures and later into adulthood I continued my studies. Reading about the belief of two spirits and blessed children was really the first time I felt okay about who I was inside. I think alot of cultures need to learn about acceptance from the various tribes. Instead of stigmatized, they treat those who are different as being blessed. In our case, by the Grandmother Moon.