So, I am struggling to understand my female identity and define exactly what it means to be feminine now and as I transition...who will I be as a woman. The question is something of an open ended one and here it goes:
How and where have you found femininity in yourselves and how have you been able to shed the masculine mantle?
I am looking for anything that you think is relevant be it hobbies or emotions or thought processes or mannerisms, everything is on the table. I would also appreciate perspectives pre vs. post hrt. Where I am coming from is that I fiercely want to be female but I don't really have any stereotypicaly female interests. Do those develop as you transition and socialize as a woman? I know of course that everyone is different, but I am looking for some other perspectives.
Julie
Socialization as I understand it is far less about stereotypical activities and very much about how we relate to people and the world. Surely, many of the things I picked up during my hyper masculine / compensation years were activities that could be considered "macho" e.g. rock climbing, however I always found I did those things with an introspective approach and in fact approach most of them the way women tend to.
As an example, I've always been a climber who relied on balance and economy of movement. It's not like I had an image of "I want to climb like a chick", many of these things predate my realization that I was trans. Also both before and since transition I've preferred female partners. E.g. while 95% of the male cyclists I know react poorly to being "chicked" (passed by a female), and would rather die than draft a woman riding in a paceline, none of those things bothered me.
Many of the habits of male socialization took a lot of work to change, e.g. talking over others and mansplaining.
Today feminine interests to me runs more along the lines of female pride ... "Anything you can do, I can do better *bleeding*".
The decidedly feminine pursuits I've taken on tend to be about presentation, clothing (that I mostly can't afford), makeup and perfumes, caring for my hair well so I can grow it out as long as possible ... All those I attribute to wanting to affect a femme lesbian style.
Also you say "fiercely want to be female". I can relate. In my experience that was a desire to accelerate my transition. Today I simply experience being female. HRT was the thing that pushed me from a focused and somewhat preconceived idea of what female meant to where I am now.
For me it was just a matter of removing the hyper masculine mask. The temptation was to replace it with my naive notion of a feminine one, but I soon realised the folly in all of this and began accepted myself for who I was. Not easy because that exposed the real me to being judged.
And that's the key really, learn to be yourself, to love yourself and your femininity will shine through. Be open and attentive to others and most often they will respond in kind and recognise the real you. If you believe the real you to be feminine then that's what they will see.
I'm certainly not there yet as I lack experience on many levels, but I am finding things are starting to make a little more sense.
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie
Quote from: Shy on April 03, 2018, 05:19:55 AM
For me it was just a matter of removing the hyper masculine mask.
Yes, this.
All my life, I have been a techy nerd. Why would I pay a workman to fix something if I could do it myself? Why buy an expensive piece of equipment when I can build one myself with a few hours and a soldering iron? Suddenly, that has no appeal for me at all. I used to like to write software that did its job better than the commercial stuff. Now I can't be bothered. These changes aren't intentional; they just happened. I no longer value myself just for what I can
do.
I have learned not to laugh when men tell dirty jokes. I never found them funny, but over the years had trained myself to laugh to preserve my cover. Now I roll my eyes and shake my head sadly, glancing knowingly at the other women.
I interact more, both with women I know and with strangers. Learning to talk in the washroom was difficult! But now, if I am shopping for a birthday card, for example, If another woman is doing the same thing, I will commiserate with her about the lack of decent choices. Or I'll chat with another shopper in the grocery store about why I like a particular brand.
There was never any forcing myself to be fem. There was stopping myself from dropping into the masculine act though. I had practiced how to act around guys for so long that it was difficult not to drop into that when guys were around. Actually the other day I had to go to the autoparts store in my hometown. I had to control the urge to put the act on again as soon as I walked in the door and saw guys who had known me before I started transition. Even though they weren't my friends or anything, being in that masculine space made me want to act the part as a self defense mechanism.
Like everything in life, it's about finding out what works for you.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro
Honestly, the best thing you can do to become more feminine, is to stop worrying about being feminine. You're subconscious will bring your "inner diva" to the surface. Believe it or not you have learned exactly what type of woman you wanted to be through all these years of observation.
For me, I have a passionate love affair with the 30s/40s. I love my Starlets of the "Golden Age" of the Siver Screen. I adopted part of it. I always looked up to my mom's strength and compassion, and adopted it. I grew up learning from my father to love cars, motorcycles, and getting my hands dirty... I adopted that as well. All these little things add up to the person I want to be.
First lesson of being a girl is to stop overthinking being you. There are a myriad of ways for women to be women. I would venture to say that if you limit your Male/Female preconceptions down to "Men Posture" and "Women Are Mysterious", that will get you in the right frame of mind to let the rest come naturally.
Just like girls do as they are growing up, we have to figure out what is us in the female spectrum and the things that are not us so much. It's about adjusting who we are as we go through life to become more and more who we really are and less what we were told we should be. That being said, those girls WERE taught the rules usually and we were taught a different set of rules. That is what transition is, learning a different set of rules and letting go of the old set.
Okay, this will quite probably be the worst analogy ever. M16 rifle training, you take your sights to zero, fire a group of shots and adjust your sights, rinse and repeat until, hopefully, all of your shots are in the center of the target. My particular adjustment was right 3 and up 8, every time I was issued a new rifle I could go to zero then right 3 and up 8 and usually be shooting in the center of the target or close to it. That is gender presentation from what I can see or how we all learn it. We find zero, everyone's idea what female or male should be, then we adjust to find us, who we really are and want to be. Even in transition you see over and over people pushing to find that ideal then as they get close to getting there they realize not ALL of that ideal is them and they adjust to be more themselves. BUT we have to be starting from the proper gender's zero if we expect to taken for that gender.
That is where your question comes in I think. Lol sorry, I put things together weird in my brain.
Taking your zero from male to female.
We are the people we hang around. That's it. We have to put in effort to lose the male "accent" and fit in completely but just being with and around women we automatically adjust who we are to fit our surroundings.
In any group of mixed genders I gravitate to the girls and the girls gravitate to me. You see commercials where men and women are mixed equally in a party but that is fantasy. We want to be around people who are like us.
We have to be very clear what we want when we transition because, if we set out to be a woman, we will be women. We can set out to be this part or that part of being a woman and get there too but if we "fiercely want to be female" we will most likely get there. Expect to leave the male behind. Be with them, do what they do and you will belong with them and the boy will only be history.
Quote from: SadieBlake on April 03, 2018, 01:49:23 AM
As an example, I've always been a climber who relied on balance and economy of movement. It's not like I had an image of "I want to climb like a chick", many of these things predate my realization that I was trans.
Interesting, I used to climb at a climbing gym and had a very similar approach to climbing. I am a pretty large person physically and have always had a powerful muscular frame, but even so I have always valued grace and agility over raw power. Like you there was no self trans awareness in my life until just a few months ago. That gives me much to think about.
Quote from: KathyLauren on April 03, 2018, 06:45:33 AM
All my life, I have been a techy nerd. Why would I pay a workman to fix something if I could do it myself? Why buy an expensive piece of equipment when I can build one myself with a few hours and a soldering iron?
This sounds about like me :) Definitely have an attitude that I can do anything with a little knowledge and I have always thought that knowledge is power.
So, now you call the repair folk to come and do stuff or do you still drag out the tool box?
Julie
Quote from: FinallyMichelle on April 03, 2018, 09:57:37 AM
Okay, this will quite probably be the worst analogy ever.
No, that was great! I understood exactly.
Quote from: JulieAllana on April 03, 2018, 10:11:17 AM
So, now you call the repair folk to come and do stuff or do you still drag out the tool box?
If I can do it in under half an hour, I'll drag out the toolbox. Otherwise, I'll pay to have it done and curse the inconvenience and cost. ;)
Julie,
I love this question. For me, HRT made a big difference in starting everything going. As I look back, it was kind of a period of time in which I very rapidly changed to a much more emotional person. That was not the end of the story by any means. From there, it was more a series of small changes that happens as I lived life. I really believe that it is a process of little 'letting goes's' of the old, unwanted, and little acceptances that the new things are, in deed, things that are right for me. One big epiphany for me, was the acceptance of being more vulnerable and to see it as a good thing rather than a bad thing. It was an important thing for me. I never worked to lose any masculine activities that I might enjoy, they just stayed as 'my' things. I very naturally went with where my emotions led me, with the occasional, "Oh yeah, I can do that now." My process is not over, and I will continue to evolve. I think a lot of folks fret about not feeling like they are totally feeling like a woman (M to F) early in transition. For some folks, it is a matter of that developing through time. After all, all the previous experiences were in the other gender. Through living my life, I am more feeling like a woman with every new experience. You will get there.
Moni
@ JulieAllana: One of the most helpful things, in my own personal experience, about developing female attributes other than the obvious and hopefully significantly apparent body changes with HRT is doing a lot of people watching at malls, airports, restaurants, etc.
Just watching how females walk, talk, sit, eat and interact with other females.... and they can interact differently with males....
....obviously then, significant female body changes from HRT... PLUS dressing like, looking like, thinking like and going out and about displaying confidence and self-assurance comes with practice, but once all of that is mostly mastered, passing for most transitioners will come more often and more easily.
Hugs and continue to enjoy your transition journey in spite of your temporary struggles...(we all have struggles with transition, you are not alone.)
Danielle
Quote from: HappyMoni on April 03, 2018, 10:28:52 AM
I think a lot of folks fret about not feeling like they are totally feeling like a woman (M to F) early in transition.
Definitely fretting. :-\ ???
Julie,
By the look of your stats, you are really new to transition. You will get there. I fully sympathize with how you are feeling being so new. I wanted to jump ahead, skip awkward stages, but it does work out. It is like watching paint dry sometimes, but just remember it gets better and better. Try to keep it in your head that you have this wonderful life ahead of you where you will live true to yourself. It is an adventure, that's for sure, but try to find pleasure in the journey. Am I being too cliche? Well maybe, just don't panic. Even the people who transitioned a long time ago went through a lot of the thoughts you are faced with. I am starting to really see the other side now and all I can say is it is worth the trip. The people from Susan's who talked me down and offered me hope were right. :)
Moni
Quote from: HappyMoni on April 03, 2018, 10:28:52 AM
I love this question. For me, HRT made a big difference in starting everything going. As I look back, it was kind of a period of time in which I very rapidly changed to a much more emotional person. That was not the end of the story by any means. From there, it was more a series of small changes that happens as I lived life.
Yeah, this. Never being one to do anything the easy way, I spent something like 17 years struggling both with learning to live with testosterone and yet to blend as feminine and also as it turns out to manage fundamental mindfulness. And I had made a lot of progress, I was mostly accepted by the women in my life as female, which is how I presented in private life.
The first things I felt when I started HRT were all of my emotions so much closer to the surface.
One of the things that I hadn't even realized until I
tried going OFF of estrogen HRT at about my 9 month point was that I was back into my daily struggle to make an unquiet mind manage it's basic survival tasks -- remembering where my keys are, what I need to be doing on any given day. Suddenly I was back defending against habits of mind that had slipped away without my noticing when I started estrogen.
That had nothing (well nothing direct) to do with being feminine, it seems my brain is simply healthier on E than T.
Quote from: JulieAllana on April 03, 2018, 01:08:49 AM
So, I am struggling to understand my female identity and define exactly what it means to be feminine now and as I transition...who will I be as a woman. The question is something of an open ended one and here it goes:
How and where have you found femininity in yourselves and how have you been able to shed the masculine mantle?
I am looking for anything that you think is relevant be it hobbies or emotions or thought processes or mannerisms, everything is on the table. I would also appreciate perspectives pre vs. post hrt. Where I am coming from is that I fiercely want to be female but I don't really have any stereotypicaly female interests. Do those develop as you transition and socialize as a woman? I know of course that everyone is different, but I am looking for some other perspectives.
Julie
None honestly. I was over 30 when starting. I was frequently misgendered before and never am now.
Socialization hasn't changed, nor has who I socialize with. Diverse friends, mainly straight women and gay males. But as ever, happy to sit down with lesbians or straight men I get on with.
I am watchful of my safety to an extent but I always was having grown up in a big city.
I'm extremely skeptical of emotional changes. Mine are the same as they always were. So are my taste buds and sense of smell. I think those that feel this might be just feeling more free to be themselves having cast such a weight off.
I'm skeptical of lady brains and male brains. I feel that research I've studied suggests differences in both, that feed into thinking and feeling as well as learning preferences. But that doesn't factor in transsexual necessarily (maybe trans is just at the very far end of an entirely natural spectrum). Studies that make sense are that around a third of women and a third of men will have the opposite type of emotional responses and learning styles to that expected by their biological sex. That's very high, far higher than trans people. It also chimes with what I see on the ground.
I'm equally skeptical of the 'wow, now the world is technicolour' stuff. If that needed oestrogen then male artists work throughout millennia wouldn't be in every gallery and museum on the planet, or on every catwalk, or every design school. Again that maybe goes back to the quarter to third of biological men who are not trans, and are very often straight, but have
stereotypically female emotions and preferences.
And vice versa for women who are not trans, and largely straight, who react and interact more in line to the way western societies expect men to.
Quote from: SadieBlake on April 03, 2018, 02:56:09 PM
Yeah, this. Never being one to do anything the easy way, I spent something like 17 years struggling both with learning to live with testosterone and yet to blend as feminine and also as it turns out to manage fundamental mindfulness. And I had made a lot of progress, I was mostly accepted by the women in my life as female, which is how I presented in private life.
The first things I felt when I started HRT were all of my emotions so much closer to the surface.
One of the things that I hadn't even realized until I tried going OFF of estrogen HRT at about my 9 month point was that I was back into my daily struggle to make an unquiet mind manage it's basic survival tasks -- remembering where my keys are, what I need to be doing on any given day. Suddenly I was back defending against habits of mind that had slipped away without my noticing when I started estrogen.
That had nothing (well nothing direct) to do with being feminine, it seems my brain is simply healthier on E than T.
@ SadieBlacke: My personal experience with my own 3+ years of HRT and going full-time over 1 1/2 years ago is
exactly what you stated... plus the bonus of my significant physical body changes from HRT... I have passed 100% since before going full-time... both physically and mentally.
Hugs, Danielle
I have found my feminine self best when I'm talking, one on one, with a woman. It's not a matter of mimicking, I find it just "is". I feel my mannerisms, verbiage, inflections, eye contact and listening blossoms past the point necessary for a male conversation. In a group of women, I am as comfortable, but have trouble getting a word in edgewise.
We can't really change our core personality. That's pretty set by nature and nurture. What we can do is what cis women do. Study the feminine arts. They actually used to have things in my days called finishing schools where young women would go and this was studied and practiced. The motivation for this can be different and vary by individual practitioners. Many study stereotypical female mannerisms and appearance mainly for one reason. And this is where "passing" comes into the picture. By practicing the stereotyped commonly accepted norms of the gender binary we can ease our passage in the world and not "stand out" or "be read." (This by the way gets us in big trouble with radical feminism as we are viewed as embracing stereotypical societal/patriarchal demands of how women should look and act). Changing our voice is a big one. Is is artifice? Yes. But it undoubtedly eases our transition into the larger society. Also there is walking, sitting, hand movements, facial expressions, etc. It must be practiced with great caution as it is easy for the beginner to go "over the top" and, self-defeatingly, stand out calling attention to "over the top" feminine compensation behaviors.
This is, I think, as much art as science. Do cis women do it? Absolutely. For me, I find it best to find a balance between artifice and authenticity. I try to use the feminine arts to reveal my core personality rather than to disguise it and this for me means at times owning and accepting many masculine parts of my personality.
Quote from: Janes Groove on April 03, 2018, 08:26:56 PM
We can't really change our core personality. That's pretty set by nature and nurture. What we can do is what cis women do. Study the feminine arts. They actually used to have things in my days called finishing schools where young women would go and this was studied and practiced. The motivation for this can be different and vary by individual practitioners. Many study stereotypical female mannerisms and appearance mainly for one reason. And this is where "passing" comes into the picture. By practicing the stereotyped commonly accepted norms of the gender binary we can ease our passage in the world and not "stand out" or "be read." (This by the way gets us in big trouble with radical feminism as we are viewed as embracing stereotypical societal/patriarchal demands of how women should look and act). Changing our voice is a big one. Is is artifice? Yes. But it undoubtedly eases our transition into the larger society. Also there is walking, sitting, hand movements, facial expressions, etc. It must be practiced with great caution as it is easy for the beginner to go "over the top" and, self-defeatingly, stand out calling attention to "over the top" feminine compensation behaviors.
This is, I think, as much art as science. Do cis women do it? Absolutely. For me, I find it best to find a balance between artifice and authenticity. I try to use the feminine arts to reveal my core personality rather than to disguise it and this for me means at times owning and accepting many masculine parts of my personality.
I agree with much there, but finishing school (in Europe at least) was very upper class, so unless you are upmarket in manner and lifestyle, the artifice is going to be seriously on show everywhere to everyone.
Ironically I think acting with great caution is one of the greatest give aways here, because aristocrats do nothing with caution and everything effortlessly. That tends to include acting in the most 'unladylike' ways, and aside from formal settings, swearing like truckers and slobbing around in any item of clothing to hand (some old rugby shirt, old jeans, unisex sweaters and coats) etc.
At the end of the day, that is generally a class of person who is so innately confident that nothing matters. For those that everything matters to, they're going to fall hard and badly by trying to ape that.
While I would
generally be unacceptable to some radical feminists in terms of my dress, habits, dating, and the basic fact of being trans, I don't disagree with the basic principles that underpin radical feminism. It's a valid critique of how women relate to society and are related to by society.
You can only be yourself. We all have
stereotypically masculine and feminine things. Relatively few people are at such extremes on the gender binary that 'female' (or men perceived as gay) hand movements or masculine leg positioning (as opposite examples) are going to be seriously problematic.
There are a few other big giveaways to me of things that aren't 'feminine'. Mainly to do with over compensation as you say.
They include stuff like saying you enjoy domestic violence or can't wait to be objectified at every turn, or talking about things like lactation/sex itself in quite a pushy and overtly sexualized way, and I do read that sort of stuff from some trans women and reel in horror. That's relatively rare for women to say those things, however vulgar people can be with friends or on nights out and with the caveat that women often tell far dirtier jokes much closer to the bone than men ever dare.
Finding your balance is an individual endeavour, and again, I don't think that's unique to trans people.
The original question wasn't really geared towards adopting mannerisms and putting on a show for the purposes of passing, but in finding the feminine feelings within yourself.
How do you know that you are a woman...what makes you FEEL like a woman? What is the difference between looking and acting like a woman and actually BEING a woman?
If my therapist says that I am a woman inside my head, what does that mean? I mean is the female version of me the same as the male version but with breasts and a vagina? ...that doesn't seem right. I know my core personality won't change, but I am trying to wrap my head around that which makes me woman, because as much as I want to be a woman, if I don't feel like one at the end of the day, then what is the point?
Julie
Quote from: JulieAllana on April 04, 2018, 12:09:17 AM
How do you know that you are a woman...what makes you FEEL like a woman? What is the difference between looking and acting like a woman and actually BEING a woman?
If my therapist says that I am a woman inside my head, what does that mean? I mean is the female version of me the same as the male version but with breasts and a vagina?
I can't point you to a specific high level thought, concept, or test. What I can tell you is that at some primitive level, likely linked to body image and controls maintained in the brain via the insula, stria terminalis, and other sexually dimorphic regions, there is something that sets our gender identity.
This setting is independent of body features. In MOST people it matches their body, in that the gender identity matches the sex assigned at birth from visual evaluation of the genitalia. In a fraction of a percent of the population, some of these regions of the brain that develop in the second half of pregnancy have a different sexually dimorphic value than the genitalia that develop very early in pregnancy. This mismatch, or gender incongruity, is hypothesized to be what gives rise to many transgender folks.
It's not something I can point to and say 'Here it is; this makes me female'. I just know that I expressed the idea that I was not my assigned sex very early in life, as some of us do. (Others may first notice the gender incongruity at puberty, or even in early adulthood.)
Quote from: JulieAllana on April 04, 2018, 12:09:17 AM
The original question wasn't really geared towards adopting mannerisms and putting on a show for the purposes of passing, but in finding the feminine feelings within yourself.
How do you know that you are a woman...what makes you FEEL like a woman? What is the difference between looking and acting like a woman and actually BEING a woman?
If my therapist says that I am a woman inside my head, what does that mean? I mean is the female version of me the same as the male version but with breasts and a vagina? ...that doesn't seem right. I know my core personality won't change, but I am trying to wrap my head around that which makes me woman, because as much as I want to be a woman, if I don't feel like one at the end of the day, then what is the point?
Julie
Kind of following Michelle's comment, Our brains have sections which take on neuron patterns based on our body's exposure to androgen hormones at specific growth stages. Much as our bodies develop our outer genitals in the first trimester, our brains become wired in the second trimester. These brain regions effect how we think and how we process information and emotions. These form our much more basic human instincts. As a trans person we tend to fight these basic instincts and surpress those parts of our minds that do not fit with who society tells us we are supposed to be.
For myself, I always had to surpress my emotions. Looking back at it now I'm not certain how I actually did it so long. I think for me, coming to terms with being trans has been my saving grace as I finally allow my emotions to flow. I honestly fell so much better as my emotions flow in my thoughts now seemingly effortlessly. I know also within my head are female instincts that have been very strong throughout my life. I know that is a really vague description but it is not easy to describe either.
::)
Julie
My simple advice would simply be:
1. Observation of women in general
2. Voice training. I am arranging this later this year (although I never expect to pass but it should give me greater confidence)
3. Socialise if you can with women with common interests to you and you (and I) should hopeful develop accordingly.
Finally I agree precisely with Michelle's scientific explanation above.
I wish you the best for the future.
Pamela
Quote from: Michelle_P on April 04, 2018, 01:08:17 AM
I can't point you to a specific high level thought, concept, or test. What I can tell you is that at some primitive level, likely linked to body image and controls maintained in the brain via the insula, stria terminalis, and other sexually dimorphic regions, there is something that sets our gender identity.
Right, and I get all of that, but some of us here have gone most of our lives knowing that something was wrong, but not what it was and then one day, BAM! Not all of us have had the overt notion that we were "women trapped in men's bodies" for our entire lives. As for myself, I have had fantasies of wanting to be a woman since around 13 or so (and huge amounts of repression to cope with that for most of my life) but never huge amounts of dysphoria about my body. Now, as I am beginning to transition there are fleeting moments where I feel more feminine and sometimes where I can say I am a woman and feel/mean it and then there are times when I just feel like everything is normal...nothing to see here, move along.
Maybe I have answered my own question with my erstwhile (and probably continuing) repression being responsible for impeding the feelings of being a woman trapped in a man's body. Maybe it's just layer upon layer of societal propriety that I am having to shred and peel off...I am having to consciously undo that which my subconscious has wrought behind the scenes over a lifetime.
To quote my therapist, "it's a mind ->-bleeped-<-."
Julie
Julie, my experience is very close to yours, I'd have been entering puberty around 1967 and while I could envy Michelle some experiences she's written about -- very much tied to access to San Francisco -- I know she paid a price for the self knowledge that she got so much earlier. Long before I heard her story I'd mostly come to terms, realizing had I known fully about my gende, that it could have exposed me to dangers that I now know she experienced.
I think the common thread is that we all knew we were different. For most of us the path isn't an easy one. But then what life is?
Quote from: JulieAllana on April 04, 2018, 07:27:01 AM
Right, and I get all of that, but some of us here have gone most of our lives knowing that something was wrong, but not what it was and then one day, BAM!
Right! It's that weird sensation I once described as like a silent alarm going off in the back of my head. No details, no nothing, but it is there, alerting us that there is a problem, without a clue as to what it is.
We can try to push it away, ignore it or suppress it, but it persists, and the damn thing gets more annoying with each passing year for some of us.
I think my earliest clue were the two sisters down the street who babysat me, and used me as a 'living doll', putting me in their old clothes and makeup when I was about 5. I liked it, at least partially because of the attention I'm sure, but it didn't bother me appearing as 'the other gender' at all.
As
@SadieBlake mentions, I had other experiences at puberty where a drive to be feminine came to the front. That was in the late 1960s, though, where it was considered unacceptable in both cultural and psychiatric circles, and was thought to be 'curable'. (It's not.)
Julie,
My gut feeling is that you want to know how it goes from here. You want to know if you will always feel like 'feeling like a woman' is out of your reach. Also, maybe, how do you work toward getting to that 'woman' state of mind. Am I at all close? I started a thread a while back about tipping points of transition and the normalization of transition to the point where it is all just coming naturally. I am not all the way to normalization, but each new day and each new experience brings it closer to reality. For example, I went for a mammogram today. Last year, my partner came with me and I was nervous, out of place. This year, I went alone, did everything as any other woman would. It isn't old hat to me yet, but I felt more normalized, more natural, more like any other woman. Think of it this way, maybe it is like living all your life in California and then suddenly moving to New York. You become a resident, pay your NYS taxes but you feel out of place for a while. You are not comfortable calling yourself a New Yorker yet. Once you live it, learn the in's and out's of that life you start to feel like you belong. If all your life you thought of yourself as a New Yorker, it still takes time for the experiences to happen to make you feel like you really are one. Same with being trans and feeling like a woman.
This is so new for you. Do you really think that a few months in, you should have everything normalized? I don't think there is any way (in most cases.) This is why you relax, give yourself a break, know that you have to have transition time and that will lead toliving mentally as a women time. Allow yourself to experience transition and don't stress out by trying to jump ahead. Don't panic because you are not mentally where you want to be at the end of transition. YOU WILL get there. :)
Moni
For me it was getting lost in my artistic skills as it made me feel more complete and around 10 or so I felt a certain feminine state of mind as I was drawing or painting.
As a preteen and thru high school I had way more female friends than male because I felt I understood them better than I did guys, and for many years female friends always would say "you're not like other guys at all"
It's funny but my spouse sez I'm way more feminine than she is in mannerisms and fashions and she can't believe how natural and never forced being a girl is for me, actually it's the easiest thing in the world 😊