Returning former member here, I've been loitering and reading for a while. I'm not sure what to include or omit, so bear with me a moment...
Three months ago I began working as a pharmacy technician. During my interview I asked the associates manager that was interviewing me what the company's general position is/was regarding transgender employees. My paperwork says male but my ability to pass is hit and miss, as I'm stuck in that funky, somewhat androgynous 13-year-old-boy with a dirty looking upper lip stage plus I'm overweight and -large- chested despite binding. I'm also primarily misgendered by women.
Either way, she assured me that said discussion would be confidential and gave indication that she was supportive. A few weeks down the road I met with the union rep because of a payroll issue. Afterward he went to discuss the issue with the aforementioned associates manager and then came back to discuss it with me. Upon his return he pulled me into a private space to apologize for "misgendering" me, because when he went to the office and referred to me as "he," the associates manager emphatically informed him that I am female. He and I then had a brief, awkward, discussion about the fact that I am male.
Two months down the road I learn that one of my fellow technicians entered the office recently and stepped into a discussion between HR and said associates manager, all of which were apparently in agreement that I am female. My coworker then proceeded to speak up and defend (ultimately argue) my gender claim.
I've also just learned that I've been struggling with being misgendered by the technicians and pharmacists since day one because the office introduced me as female when they passed along new hire information prior to my first day of work. Most of this has resolved; the pharmacy people are all largely supportive of my right to exist as I am; one pharmacist has lingering issue with this and nearly always misgenders me to the patients/customers.
Sunday night as I was leaving work I and another technician came across one of the HR managers as we were exiting the building and she smiled, said "Ladies, are we having a good evening?" I was caught off guard and immediately blurted out, "It's sir!" She laughed and replied, "I said, "and gentlemen."" She then proceeded to defend her choice in language, because, quote, "Well, you have such a pleasing voice."
I live in Kentucky, where the law doesn't extend protections to gender identities. I recognize that I need to decide where to draw the line and then move on if that line is breached. There's enough chatter that ignoring this isn't really an option.
I get that humans are curious by nature. The people I work with directly have had some questions, usually appropriate, and we discuss the topics (even if just to tell them that their question is inappropriate.)
I get that I'm (evidently) the first transgender employee these managers have encountered. I feel I've been very tolerant. However, I fail to grasp how these discussions are coming to pass, and I begin to wonder if I am a target.
I need advice; help!
Okay, this is my advice, nothing more. You might find it not to your liking, but its your life, you may do with it what you will.
My advice would be that you have a meeting in which all of your co-workers and managers are there, maybe after work. Have some videos ready that will help you explain yourself, or maybe have a talk explaining yourself as a transgender man. I tell people "I have a birth defect that I'm currently working on fixing with hormones and surgery." I also tend to tell people that my mind is male and has always been so. (That's my situation, it might not be yours.)
There are plenty of videos on youtube to help you get the point across. Watch ones that explain "what does transgender mean?" and find one you feel will help you explain, then afterwards, have a question and answer session.
This is my favorite video, it explains things simply and with some scientific background. Its a little outdated, but it gets the point across.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cSkOYJqdU0E&t=5s (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cSkOYJqdU0E&t=5s)
For those that start thumping their bibles at you, I'd simply explain "I didn't wish to be born this way, it just happened naturally, like having blue eyes or dark skin. Its NOT a choice."
Hopefully, at least your coworkers should refer to you by your proper name and gender. If not, then keep correcting them, hopefully they'll eventually get the point.
Sometimes, its better to explain the situation than have people speculate.
Good luck.
Ryuichi
I'll qualify my comments as I'm MTF, in Australia and when I came out I was very senior in my position. Nontheless I had my share of gender 'accidents' either publicly or in private (as in people insulting me behind my back).
I was firm. I suggest you should be as well. You tell people and as Ryuichi says, get them together and tell them. Just explain calmly and clinically. Don't get angry and don't get carried away with TMI. Just say it.
If people then want to misgender you and make a game of it you know where they are coming from and can then think of a way of dealing with them.
What I'm about to say is sexist and I apologise if it is disrespectful to anyone. You are a man. Stand up for your rights like any man does. Try and forget/overcome the conditioning from your upbringing and act and be as affronted as any man would be. Your body language and your general attitude of respectful manliness will be understood subconsciously far more than any exclamation is heard.
kmackison, I admire your patience but I agree - you need to tackle this directly with your employer and with co-workers. In addition to other reasons, misgendering you in front of patients/customers is even less acceptable.
You mentioned being a returning former member, but this this was technically your first post so I'll add information to help with navigation and site guidelines.
Things that you should read
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Best wishes, and welcome back!
Kendra
Hello Kmackison,
Because I am self-employed and own my own small business, I do not have any answers for you regarding the work issues that you mentioned but this is the right place for you to be to find out what others have done that may have been in your circumstances.
Be aware that there are lots of members here that can identify with the issues that you brought up in your introduction posting.
Even though as Kendra mentioned in her Welcome Message to you that you are a returning member.... I would like to WELCOME you back to Susan's Place. You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others about your transition and to read about others transitions and their trials, tribulations, and successes in their transition journey.
It is nice that you have signed up so you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other members.
When frustrated or if you have a successful moment in your journey you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....
***It's a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new friends here.
Please come in and get involved at your own pace. Be sure to look at the Links that Kendra posted below her welcome message, there is information about the site that will help you navigate around and best utilize the features here.
Again, Welcome back to Susan's
Danielle
Thanks for the responses.
With the people I work with in the pharmacy, I let them know as soon as was appropriate after the first misgendering. At this point there is only one technician who slips up and that's been more than a week since the last occurrence, and I remind her in private each time. There is one pharmacist who does it near daily, and she realizes it as soon as it slips out of her mouth every-single-time. The discomfort she feels is displayed on her face, and I laugh out loud every time, as I find it somewhat satisfying that she begins to understand how uncomfortable her accidents have made me feel.
Regardless, I intend to talk to her the next shift we share.
As for the office, getting the managers together at one time is unlikely to ever happen. Despite that, I intend to pay them a visit tomorrow before my shift and let them (whoever is available) know that what is taking place is unacceptable and I expect it to stop. If it doesn't, I'll speak with the union rep. and steward and see what they think about the situation.
I'll keep you posted.
Big hug!
Just keep one thing in mind when you're talking to your coworkers; How long did it take you to get your head around this, and how long have they had? :)
Hugs, Devlyn
Well, I spoke to the management in the office. They all acted surprised to hear about it, even the HR person that I ran into Sunday. "We'll put a stop to it." Sure, sure.
We shall see.
Thanks again your words of advice.
I'm an HR professional so my advice is for you to talk to HR again and agree on a way to officially communicate your gender status to the company to avoid future mistakes. That way there will be a clear guideline on how to treat you, which seems to be extremely confusing right now due to the company screwing up your first introduction. If you do this everyone will know management and HR are aware of the issue and there's a clear path on what to do, "judging" what gender you are and how to treat will no longer depend on each individual's random assertion.
You can do the official communication either via email or a meeting with all managers to cascade the info to their teams. In this particular case I suggest doing it with an email since it seems they can't be trusted getting it right on meetings. You can even suggest HR that you can write the email for them and then both can review the wording, delivery, etc.
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