From the time I was very young, I knew I was different. Even before I had the words to describe how I felt I knew it to be true. Some of my earliest memories date back to pre-school and kindergarten, when all the boys my age were playing with sticks and getting dirty, while I sat with the girls and played house. I recall being very sad when the teacher would do boy/girl activities and I wasn't allowed to join the girl side. But naturally, at such a young age, I didn't grasp the concept that these things were unusual, I just did what I enjoyed.
Fast forward a few years, at the age of 8,9, 10, things became harder. I had reached the age where playing with the girls had become something to be teased for, something that was different, weird. The gender binary had, even at that young age, begun to take a foothold in the lives of those around me. I knew what side I was expected to fall on. So I began to fall in line. I tried to hang out with the boys, tried to be one of them. I ignored my feelings because, I assured myself, they would go away. It was natural to feel these things but it didn't mean I wasn't a boy. I just had to try harder. Around this time I also dreamed frequently of becoming a girl, but in my mind I always justified it as a forced change- I was MADE a girl, it was against my will, I didn't want it. But the dreams continued, almost nightly.
Middle school came, and I had begun to look at girls as more than friends. I was reaching the age where desires begin to reveal themselves, as one approaches puberty. So why was I so scared? The thought of puberty, which seemed to excite my friends, terrified me. People told me my voice would get lower, that I would grow more, that I would start to grow hair in new places, and the thought repelled me in a way that I couldn't understand. So I ignored it. Surely everyone must feel this way? My friends acted excited but I was certain they must be just as frightened as I was and just afraid to admit it. Again, my feelings were pushed down. But as the girls around me began to change, I started to notice. I thought about how lucky they were that they didn't have to shave their faces, how nice it must be to have such soft skin, how even as my male friends became bulkier and larger, they remained slim and slender. At this point I really began to wonder if there was something seriously wrong with me.
High school came, and with it my first crush on a girl. Finally I felt a little more sane, a little more normal. This must be what being a boy is, I thought. But every day as I saw girls, I would also see their clothes, their hair, their makeup, and I would think about it constantly. How do heels feel? Is that dress comfortable? I wonder what it's like to have hair that long? These are the thoughts that dominated my mind. When I began growing facial hair I immediately wanted to shave... convinced, naturally, that it was the act of shaving that I desired to feel more manly, not the hairlessness. Sophomore year I developed a crush on a different girl and fell into a pattern of toxic masculinity, becoming way to obsessed with her when she rejected my advances. I grew a beard. I started wearing suits, watching sports, anything to try and feel more like a man. I still didnt work out though. The thought of gaining muscle repulsed me on a primal level. Ironically around this time I also began sneaking into my mom's room and trying on her clothes when she wasn't home. I found that I was looking at girls clothes and their bodies equally. I also made my first openly gay friend. Internally, I began to think that I must be gay, that that must be why I looked at women's clothes like I did. So the summer after I graduated, I came out at gay. I didn't really enjoy male bodies, but I forced myself to look at them until I became numb to it in a way. I thought I had finally found my solution, so why was I still so unhappy?
In my first semester of college, I presented as a gay male from day one. All of my friends knew me as gay, and I even joined our gay straight alliance chapter at school. Under the surface I was still depressed, but I coped. I was a gay guy, depression came hand in hand I thought. I was suicidal, i developed an eating disorder and was severely underweight. I even self harmed on occasion. But in the GSA, I met a trans person for the first time. Transgender. I had heard that word but not known what it meant. I went home and researched it. I began watching videos of trans women documenting their transitions. Seeing their bodies transform month by month made me finally feel right. Finally I knew, I was transgender. So I came out to some of my closest friends, even picked a female name (back then it wasn't Macy). I told people I was a straight trans woman. Until the day I began developing feelings for a girl again, that is. Her and I began dating, I stopped going to college, and I stopped telling people I was trans. I retreated back into the closet and tried to be happy as a male, albeit now one who identified as Bi.
I fell in love with this girl, and in September of 2016 I proposed. I was still having dysphoria but I kept it quiet and rationalized. I loved her so much that I hid my feelings for fear of losing her. But my depression finally came to a head and in April of 2017, I told her I was trans. To my shock, she stayed! I began taking hormones in July of 2017, just over 8 months ago. Her and I are now happily married and expecting a baby boy in late June. I've finally stopped trying to feign interest in men and fully accepted myself as a gay woman, and so has she. It's been a long confusing journey, but now my life is finally on the right path, and I'm so thankful. I've identified as a straight male, then a gay male, then a straight woman, then a Bi male, then a Bi woman, before finally discovering myself. It just goes to show that sometimes the place we think is the end of our journey is really just a rest stop. We stop, refuel, and keep going. It may take a long time, but we all get there in the end.
Thanks for reading.
Quote from: missmacyrose on April 08, 2018, 09:51:38 AM
From the time I was very young, I knew I was different. Even before I had the words to describe how I felt I knew it to be true. Some of my earliest memories date back to pre-school and kindergarten, when all the boys my age were playing with sticks and getting dirty, while I sat with the girls and played house. I recall being very sad when the teacher would do boy/girl activities and I wasn't allowed to join the girl side. But naturally, at such a young age, I didn't grasp the concept that these things were unusual, I just did what I enjoyed.
Fast forward a few years, at the age of 8,9, 10, things became harder. I had reached the age where playing with the girls had become something to be teased for, something that was different, weird. The gender binary had, even at that young age, begun to take a foothold in the lives of those around me. I knew what side I was expected to fall on. So I began to fall in line. I tried to hang out with the boys, tried to be one of them. I ignored my feelings because, I assured myself, they would go away. It was natural to feel these things but it didn't mean I wasn't a boy. I just had to try harder. Around this time I also dreamed frequently of becoming a girl, but in my mind I always justified it as a forced change- I was MADE a girl, it was against my will, I didn't want it. But the dreams continued, almost nightly.
Middle school came, and I had begun to look at girls as more than friends. I was reaching the age where desires begin to reveal themselves, as one approaches puberty. So why was I so scared? The thought of puberty, which seemed to excite my friends, terrified me. People told me my voice would get lower, that I would grow more, that I would start to grow hair in new places, and the thought repelled me in a way that I couldn't understand. So I ignored it. Surely everyone must feel this way? My friends acted excited but I was certain they must be just as frightened as I was and just afraid to admit it. Again, my feelings were pushed down. But as the girls around me began to change, I started to notice. I thought about how lucky they were that they didn't have to shave their faces, how nice it must be to have such soft skin, how even as my male friends became bulkier and larger, they remained slim and slender. At this point I really began to wonder if there was something seriously wrong with me.
High school came, and with it my first crush on a girl. Finally I felt a little more sane, a little more normal. This must be what being a boy is, I thought. But every day as I saw girls, I would also see their clothes, their hair, their makeup, and I would think about it constantly. How do heels feel? Is that dress comfortable? I wonder what it's like to have hair that long? These are the thoughts that dominated my mind. When I began growing facial hair I immediately wanted to shave... convinced, naturally, that it was the act of shaving that I desired to feel more manly, not the hairlessness. Sophomore year I developed a crush on a different girl and fell into a pattern of toxic masculinity, becoming way to obsessed with her when she rejected my advances. I grew a beard. I started wearing suits, watching sports, anything to try and feel more like a man. I still didnt work out though. The thought of gaining muscle repulsed me on a primal level. Ironically around this time I also began sneaking into my mom's room and trying on her clothes when she wasn't home. I found that I was looking at girls clothes and their bodies equally. I also made my first openly gay friend. Internally, I began to think that I must be gay, that that must be why I looked at women's clothes like I did. So the summer after I graduated, I came out at gay. I didn't really enjoy male bodies, but I forced myself to look at them until I became numb to it in a way. I thought I had finally found my solution, so why was I still so unhappy?
In my first semester of college, I presented as a gay male from day one. All of my friends knew me as gay, and I even joined our gay straight alliance chapter at school. Under the surface I was still depressed, but I coped. I was a gay guy, depression came hand in hand I thought. I was suicidal, i developed an eating disorder and was severely underweight. I even self harmed on occasion. But in the GSA, I met a trans person for the first time. Transgender. I had heard that word but not known what it meant. I went home and researched it. I began watching videos of trans women documenting their transitions. Seeing their bodies transform month by month made me finally feel right. Finally I knew, I was transgender. So I came out to some of my closest friends, even picked a female name (back then it wasn't Macy). I told people I was a straight trans woman. Until the day I began developing feelings for a girl again, that is. Her and I began dating, I stopped going to college, and I stopped telling people I was trans. I retreated back into the closet and tried to be happy as a male, albeit now one who identified as Bi.
I fell in love with this girl, and in September of 2016 I proposed. I was still having dysphoria but I kept it quiet and rationalized. I loved her so much that I hid my feelings for fear of losing her. But my depression finally came to a head and in April of 2017, I told her I was trans. To my shock, she stayed! I began taking hormones in July of 2017, just over 8 months ago. Her and I are now happily married and expecting a baby boy in late June. I've finally stopped trying to feign interest in men and fully accepted myself as a gay woman, and so has she. It's been a long confusing journey, but now my life is finally on the right path, and I'm so thankful. I've identified as a straight male, then a gay male, then a straight woman, then a Bi male, then a Bi woman, before finally discovering myself. It just goes to show that sometimes the place we think is the end of our journey is really just a rest stop. We stop, refuel, and keep going. It may take a long time, but we all get there in the end.
Thanks for reading.
@missmacyrose, thank you so much for this lovely story. I am beyond happy for you and wish many super wonderful blessings for you and your family.
I don't know that feeling trans people have about a specific gender. So I do like to listen so I can better understand. I'm intersex and embraced being both female and male. But at heart I'm just a girl.
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Thank you for sharing your story. I enjoy everyone's story and I feel bad that I never say anything, sorry y'all.
I just love how you kept going forward.
New information, adjust, move forward.
New information, adjust, move forward.
New information, adjust, move forward.
Ta-da! You've made it through the maze. 😊
Good luck and take care.
Hi and I too am very happy for you in both coming to terms with your transfeminitity and keeping your relationship and also the new addition coming to your family.
I believe what you've said has been mirrored by more on this site than one can count and wish you much future happiness!
Hello Missmacyrose
A really fascinating story! I am so glad you found your true self even at the sixth time of asking.
I'm so happy also that your relationship is being maintained and that you'll soon have an addition to the family.
Hugs and Kisses
Pamela
Thank you for sharing your story. Mine was somewhat similar. I started knowing I was different as young as 12-13. I knew I was interested in men more than women and felt jealous of women because well it wasn't fair they got to be female. I lived as gay for 5 years, but went to a country where being gay was... unwise if you wanted to be socially accepted. Ended up living there for 14 years, married with two kids. Returned home and realized it was time to do something about it and stop living a lie. So I did. Family is still adjusting but I think we will get through it.
I loved hearing your story! Trans stories rock.
You are so strong! It took me until 46 to admit what I
knew from a young age.
I'm fascinated how you aligned with typically femme interests.
I was quite a mix of traits.
Good on you and don't mind the antipathy I'm sure you will encounter
from some gay ciswomen -- just as many or more see us as legit.
Quote from: Claire Grey on April 09, 2018, 05:18:02 PM
I loved hearing your story! Trans stories rock.
You are so strong! It took me until 46 to admit what I
knew from a young age.
I'm fascinated how you aligned with typically femme interests.
I was quite a mix of traits.
Good on you and don't mind the antipathy I'm sure you will encounter
from some gay ciswomen -- just as many or more see us as legit.
Thanks! Yes, I've always been very feminine with my interests. I denied for a long time because I didn't want to appear to be a stereotype, but I love pink, and flowers, and all kinds of "girly girl" things. I'm no longer ashamed to call myself a girly girl. My wife laughs and says I'm more feminine then her (she falls more on the leather jackets, combat boots and tattoos spectrum) I am definitely the more girly of the two of us.
I know judgemental gay cis women are out there but I've had the fortune of not meeting any thus far. I know a few gay cis women and they are all very accepting of me. My coworker tells me I'm actually the only trans woman she's ever met who is also gay.
Quote from: missmacyrose on April 09, 2018, 08:14:15 PM
My coworker tells me I'm actually the only trans woman she's ever met who is also gay.
Another surprise if only a minor one. I know quite a few personally and there are countless here on Susans!
Pamela
Quote from: pamelatransuk on April 10, 2018, 09:05:44 AM
Another surprise if only a minor one. I know quite a few personally and there are countless here on Susans!
Pamela
Yes, to be quite honest I wasn't too shocked. To be fair I hear that the statistic is that only 20% of people in the US actually personally know a trans person, so I'd imagine the statistics for a gay trans person are even more narrow. I'm not too surprised that she has not met someone like me before haha. I'm also the only person at work who knows that she is gay so it's nice to have a person to talk to about it.