I don't want to be transgender. But I'm scared because I think I am, or at least that I may be. I'm content with living and being a man. This is because I have lived as a man my whole life, so I'm used to it. However, there has been this struggle with my gender identity since as far back as I can remember. For some time, I thought of myself as a closeted crossdresser but now I think my identity is deeper than that. Here's the internal battle that I have been fighting throughout my life:
This began when I was very young
• I have always wanted to wear female clothes ever since preschool
• I have always secretly wished I were a girl
• I have usually played with boy things as a child, but there were some girl toys that I secretly wanted
• I mainly watched cartoons, shows, or movies geared more toward males or unisex, but have secretly enjoyed entertainment geared toward girls and women
• I have always wanted to wear makeup
• I have always liked being called by female pronouns
• Sometimes I feel like a liar when I'm hanging out with guys, as if I'm lying just to try to blend in
• I have always enjoyed being the only man in a group of girls, but instead of being a lady's man among a group of girls, I wanted to be "one of the girls."
• I cross-dress. Sometimes this is for sexual gratification, but sometimes crossdressing just feels appropriate, as if I were expressing the woman in me
• I have been envious of women's orgasms versus the orgasms experienced by men
• I have always wanted to have sex as a woman, even before I knew what sex was
• I have frequently imagined myself as a woman when masturbating, even before I knew what masturbation was
• I have always been envious of how women are treated in comparison to men (I don't mean inequality that women face in the male-dominated world)
• I'm emotional like a woman
• I like having a purse (though I would never have it in public, at least not in "male mode")
• I never was a masculine man, but not a feminine sissy either
• Sports and many typical guy things never appealed to me
• It's not just female clothing that appeals to me
• I have the desire to pee sitting down, although I have enjoyed the privilege of being able to stand up and pee like a man, which is much easier!
• The online tests about brain gender I've taken have resulted in my brain being female
• The online tests about gender dysphoria say that I show some signs of having it
• I've tried to make this go away and found success temporarily, but this has always come back
• I have purged (or attempted to purge) my female clothing only to want them back later
• I want to be a normal man, but obviously by the things I've listed, I'm' not a normal man
Being a man doesn't bother me. What bothers me is being a man with these nagging gender issues that won't go away no matter how badly I want them to. But my feminine side is very real and has been with me for all my life. I have often tried to deny these things especially to myself. I've even harbored some transphobia just to deny my own feelings. I can't come out to my family, and I don't believe very many of my friends would be very understanding if they knew this side of me. I'm so scared. I don't want to be transgender.
Why I'm scared:
1. I'm scared that this will never go away
2. I'm scared that living a transgender lifestyle is a sin against God
3. I'm scared that I will have to change my entire life
4. My family and friends won't accept me (I have a transgender sister who did not receive much acceptance nor support when she came out)
a. I made transgender jokes behind her back just to cover up my own questioning gender identity
5. I'm a very private person by nature
6. If I were to transition, then I would have to come out
7. Coming out would disappoint so many people I know
8. I'm not normal
Having a transgender sister, I know personally how confusing it can be on family members of those who come out. However, in dealing with my own gender issues, I can say that this transgender stuff doesn't make any more sense to me as I'm dealing with my own personality than it does as a family member of someone who is transgender. I bounce back and forth between accepting that I'm transgender and saying, "Well, maybe not." This is such a personal matter and I can't bring myself to talk to anyone about it, but I don't know enough to think that I can handle this alone either. I can't afford a therapist, or else I'd look into gender therapy. I feel lost, as if I don't truly know myself or what to do next. I don't wish this struggle on anybody, but I don't want to be alone either. I only hope that I'm not, that somebody understands.
I can't tell you whether or not you're transgender. I can say that I am transgender, and some of your experiences are very similar to some of mine.
Have you tried reaching out to your trans sibling?
I did once a few years ago, but not since then. She and I don't get along very well, not because of her or my gender issues, but we have a long and rough history. So our relationship is very rocky at best.
Hi Danielle 🙋♀️ Welcome to Susan's Place! I'm Jessica.
I do understand that you have questions that need answers. These answers can be discovered by talking to a gender therapist. They have the experience and knowledge that can help you find the path you need to be on. There are many here at Susan's Place that can and will share their experiences. You will see many understand.
I see your new here, so I'll post some links that may help you get better acquainted with the site. Pay attention to the site rules they can be of great help and don't forget the link highlighted red. It has answers to questions that are commonly asked. Then join in on a topic you find interesting and learn and share.
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Things that you should read
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I'm transgender. At first it scared me. Then I realized you can't be scared of what you are. Running from yourself is a foolish game. Once I accepted the truth and let myself do what needed to be done life became a whole lot better. Its not an easy path, every step is scary, but the fear gets less and less till one day you are simply you. :)
At the end of the day only you can choose your path. I do recommend you look at where you want to be in 10 years time and assess if what you are doing now will give you that. If not, then stuff needs to change.
Welcome, Danielle.
Yes, there is enough in your post to make it a very real possibility that you might be transgender. Certainly, there is enough there to justify getting it checked out.
I understand your fears. We all do, since most of us have shared most of them at some point in our journey.
To address some of them...
If you are indeed transgender, then it won't go away. It is something we are born with, and it is just part of who we are. It doesn't mean that you have to transition. Not everyone does. But somehow, you would have to accommodate it.
Being transgender is not a lifestyle any more than having blue eyes is a lifestyle. We are born this way. Perhaps it would help you to think of it this way: God made us this way. Whatever His reasons, this is a special gift we have been given, one that is a challenge to deal with, but that has its own rewards.
The fear of rejection is very common. Yet most of us find that the reality is not nearly as bad as we fear. Yes, we may lose some friends or even family along the way. But most people understand that this is not a choice we make, and are just happy for us that we are discovering who we are.
I would really encourage you to seek out a gender therapist to talk through your fears. They can help you decide if you really are trans or not, and if so, what you want to do about it.
Thank you all. I've been struggling with for a long time and am still trying to figure things out. Thank you all for letting me share this on the forum.
Danielle, I am transgender and a lot of your statements are similar to how I feel/have felt. Yes this is a scary and difficult road, I'm not gonna lie about it. I don't think anybody would wish this upon themselves if they really know how hard it is. I can only tell you I hope you find all the answers you are looking for. If you can't go to therapy, this forum is full of information and people willing to help.
Hugs!!
Enviado de meu Moto G (5) Plus usando Tapatalk
I've been going through the same thing. I've been seeing gender therapists. While I have many of your traits, I don't appear to have them strong enough to be a "full-blown" transsexual, meaning, I don't need to transition and have surgeries. It looks like I am turning out to be somewhere between a CD'er and a TS, genderfluid. If you don't necessarily dislike your male body, perhaps you are too? I highly recommend therapy.
Depending on where you live(and your insurance policy), gender therapy may be covered by insurance! Also you'll find it's highly recommended on this site.
I know you're afraid, but the fact remains, if you're questioning, if you believe it yourself, if you're here... You are probably transgender.
Transgender is an umbrella term, but not everyone who fits under the umbrella chooses to transition physically, and there's a forum for issues related to that here as well, but it's one of the least populated, and from stories I've heard, and indeed my own experience, not doing something to ease the social and physical problems of being in the wrong body becomes a burden (some preliminary science indicates a difference in brain structure of transgender individuals vs cis, their brains are generally more similar to the gender they identify with, of course the jury is still out until more studies are done)
And my last point, God made us too, taking medicine is not an insult to him. To be honest I'm agnostic, I don't know what to believe, but I believe I know evil when I see it, and this isn't.
If you want to change your own body or not is your decision, and i truly believe it won't be judged by the big man. I don't remember reading that commandment "thou shalt not alter any aspect of your perceived gender identity"
I feel confident in saying that given a choice in the matter of gender identity, there are very few of us who want to be transgender. For myself, I would have preferred to be born a normal female, but that didn't happen. So now I have to deal with what I am and I decided to match my body as much as possible to my psychological being.
We are all unique individuals and we must make a decision on how to live our own lives as best we can. Keep in mind that not deciding to do anything is also a decision. This was me for over 50 years. I transitioned when I felt the time was right. Nobody made the decision for me. This is my decision and I am the only one who must live with the consequences. Yes, there are others involved, but only indirectly, by their decision to accept or reject me.
Deciding to transition now or delaying transition as long as you can or even deciding to not to transition is your choice. For myself, almost every conscience moment was a struggle to deal with my gender identity until I woke up from GCS. It was no longer an issue for me. I am complete now.
All I can add for you Danielle Kristina is that you are likely to be right in your assumption that you are transgender but you are not aware of where on the gender spectrum you lie.
I believe you should seek a gender therapist as soon as you can afford one as the problem can only be suppressed temporarily and then resurfaces later and may be reburied but returns again with greater intensity.
Before therapy at least you have many people here to raise questions with and debate and you can research here also.
Good luck for the future.
Pamela
Danielle Kristina, your experiences are not uncommon among people who identify under the transgender umbrella term. Generally a lifetime of questioning would mean you are part of the group. Not everyone who feels like this needs to medically transition and or socially transition.
I completely understand your fear. We often spend our lives self programmed to hide what is in our minds out of self preservation. For some of us like myself, this self supression leads to depression and suicidal ideation. In your own life you will have to decide what level of these feelings you can tolerate. My personal journey has revealed that life does not require those never ending feelings of dread I once had. I can only imagine that cis people must not ever experience it so completely overwhelming and ever-present.
I would strongly suggest seeing a therapist with transgender experience. A good therapist will just get you to be honest with yourself about what these feelings really mean to you. At some point in life we all have to face our feelings and our fears or we can never get over them.
To some of your questions.
God doesn't care about being trans or gay. Jesus never once said anything except a message of love and acceptance. Everything else was written by men. Careful study of the original writings reveal how badly translated the modern Bible is and how much was changed. When it comes to the Old Testament ask a Rabbi for translations not Christians. Even then much of the rules added by the priests were to keep the Hebrew people away from the religions of the surrounding cultures. Many of which used sex and sexuality in their rituals.
What is normal is subjective. It is often referred to as what is most common rather than what is human. Medical science proved long ago that our brain's neural structures are prenatally set in either feminine or masculine patterns depending on androgen hormone exposure. Being trans is a biological reality.
There is a good chance that given your transgender sister, you may have a genetic trait such as an androgen receptor mutation that reduced testosterone's effect on both your and her brain development. Also could be if your mom was taking certain medications which could have interferred with the androgen recptor function.
I can't say if you came out whether your family and friends would react poorly or not. Sounds like you have a relationship you might want to rebuild with your sister. She could be your most understanding allie and afterall when time moves on your siblings are the only family you always have.
Thank you everyone for replying. I'm learning to accept the fact that I'm transgender, and while I'm still scared, I realize that accepting myself as a trans person answers a lot of the mysteries regarding who I am as a person that has confused m throughout my life. I've done a lot of research and self-searching, and though my journey has only just begun, I feel a little bit better than I did yesterday.
One of my biggest breakthrough moments in my self-questioning - as I was absolutely horrified by the idea that I could be transgender - was that I realized if I admitted that I am trans, and that I wanted to change, I would have to face and accept the decades of feeling absolutely hurt, crushed, cheated, angry, brokenhearted, terrified, etc. about the hand I was dealt in life. I was born a girl and I hate it.
I tried so hard to pretend that I didn't hate it.
So it really wasn't being trans that was scary... but peeling back my own veneer and facing the raw emotions inside that was scary.
I have felt nine hundred times better since hashing it out with myself. Before that, I literally couldn't even say the word "transgender" out loud because it was so scary.
Quote from: blackcat on April 20, 2018, 10:50:14 PM
One of my biggest breakthrough moments in my self-questioning - as I was absolutely horrified by the idea that I could be transgender - was that I realized if I admitted that I am trans, and that I wanted to change, I would have to face and accept the decades of feeling absolutely hurt, crushed, cheated, angry, brokenhearted, terrified, etc. about the hand I was dealt in life. I was born a girl and I hate it.
I tried so hard to pretend that I didn't hate it.
So it really wasn't being trans that was scary... but peeling back my own veneer and facing the raw emotions inside that was scary.
I have felt nine hundred times better since hashing it out with myself. Before that, I literally couldn't even say the word "transgender" out loud because it was so scary.
Ha! Yeah, I can say I choked on that word making my first gender therapist appointment, stuttered a few times before getting it out, I had already made my decision though, I was transitioning one way or another, hell or high water. It didn't bother me at all to discuss it here, or actually decide what I wanted to do about being transgender, but to give someone my name, and say it out loud is another matter... Even now the only time I really openly discuss it it's in therapy, but I literally just act the way I want to now, lots of people have noticed I'm more feminine than masculine now that I'm not suppressing it, but there's been literally no consequence for that, other than the new guy at work noting that talking to me is like talking to a bubbly girl, lmao.
I'm not dumb, I know people have theories, but they've never asked, so I've not mentioned it. As I am now if someone flat out asked I'd probably answer in the affirmative, people have asked all kinds of things trying to beat around the bush, the truth to that sort of question just frustrates them more because other than my REAL personality I don't fit the mainstream stereotype at all. I know at least two have likely caught on for real, others just can't imagine it/too closed minded to get it. You don't have to be closeted to be hidden in plain sight is the lesson I learned, and am better for it.
Half of that was for the OP, btw, because otherwise I'm just rambling.
Wow, so much has changed regarding my gender identity since I started this thread! It's been a journey to get to where I am today and the journey is still far from over.
Hi Danielle,
I'm glad that you seem to be feeling more optimistic about things. To be trans is not a failing, nor is it a sin. It is however an enormous pain in the ass. The task is to find what is authentic about who you are and how you wish to live and to then follow that thread wherever it might lead without fear of consequence. I hope that you do not do this alone. For many of us being alone in our minds is to wander in a confusing and not particularly safe neighborhood. Do get some help, I promise that you will learn something.
We have to be our own hero in this pilgrimage. Joseph Campbell wrote a book long ago called "The Hero With A Thousand Faces." You might find it helpful but the important thing is this. We leave our home; our gender; our unhappy but safe place, and travel through fear to a magical land of authenticity. I began this journey about seven years ago and every step along the way was unsure and filled with doubt about whether it would work, whether I was strong enough, and even whether I deserved to be whole.
There are many perils in the pilgrimage to our authentic selves. Many places where the path is faint or not even there at all. But every step is one of learning and every friend you make in this community both a mentor and a student.
It is my belief that we who walk this way are gifted, and eventually find the truth about who we are, and the courage to live it without fear or regret.
I wish you well and if I can be of any help, do let me know.
Peace,
Julie
Quote from: Danielle Kristina on July 16, 2018, 05:59:26 PM
Wow, so much has changed regarding my gender identity since I started this thread! It's been a journey to get to where I am today and the journey is still far from over.
Journey.... Hmmm. Journey....
"Don't stop... Believin'. Hold on to tha"
Oh nevermind. I love your avatar BTW. I've been fighting myself forever it seems and she does end up kicking my ass all the time. Ha Ha ;D
I think most of us trans girls regret not transitioning earlier. I never wanted to be trans, and fought till I couldn't fight any longer. I'd say get a therapist and work through your issues together. If it ends up that transition is for you, then get started on it. I wish i did it 30years ago!
Bari Jo
Quote from: Bari Jo on July 16, 2018, 07:45:20 PM
I think most of us trans girls regret not transitioning earlier. I never wanted to be trans, and fought till I couldn't fight any longer. I'd say get a therapist and work through your issues together. If it ends up that transition is for you, then get started on it. I wish i did it 30years ago!
Bari Jo
Hi Bari Jo,
I've got a therapist that I've been seeing for a few months now and I'm in the middle of transition. I still have some fears regarding coming out to friends, family, coworkers, etc., but I've made peace with my being trans. I started this thread when I first realized the very real possibility of my being trans, and through therapy, self-exploration, and sharing on the forums, I've learned to love and accept myself for who I am.
I just can't believe I've made it this far! Once I was terrified at the thought of my transgender identity, but I've learned to embrace it and day by day I'm becoming the woman I've always been but never knew.
That's great Danielle, I was afraid at each of my coming outs and it's all gone very well. I'd say most often the fear is internal. If your friends and family truly love you, they will still love you. I've documented my comings out in my thread under mtf. If they help in the slightest for you, that would be great. Good luck!
Bari Jo
Quote from: JB_Girl on July 16, 2018, 06:20:32 PM
Hi Danielle,
I'm glad that you seem to be feeling more optimistic about things. To be trans is not a failing, nor is it a sin. It is however an enormous pain in the ass. The task is to find what is authentic about who you are and how you wish to live and to then follow that thread wherever it might lead without fear of consequence. I hope that you do not do this alone. For many of us being alone in our minds is to wander in a confusing and not particularly safe neighborhood. Do get some help, I promise that you will learn something.
We have to be our own hero in this pilgrimage. Joseph Campbell wrote a book long ago called "The Hero With A Thousand Faces." You might find it helpful but the important thing is this. We leave our home; our gender; our unhappy but safe place, and travel through fear to a magical land of authenticity. I began this journey about seven years ago and every step along the way was unsure and filled with doubt about whether it would work, whether I was strong enough, and even whether I deserved to be whole.
There are many perils in the pilgrimage to our authentic selves. Many places where the path is faint or not even there at all. But every step is one of learning and every friend you make in this community both a mentor and a student.
It is my belief that we who walk this way are gifted, and eventually find the truth about who we are, and the courage to live it without fear or regret.
I wish you well and if I can be of any help, do let me know.
Peace,
Julie
Hi Julie,
I am so sorry I missed your post before! For whatever reason I completely overlooked it. I'm glad I came back to this thread again and found it, because there is a lot of wisdom in your words. I see a gender therapist and have been since shortly after I originally started the thread and she has helped me tremendously in accepting myself. She is even starting the process of my HRT and I can't wait to take them! Today, I'm no where near where I want to be, but I'm far better off than I was a few months ago when my journey toward authenticity first began. After decades of running from my feelings I finally got to a place where I just couldn't run anymore and have accepted me for who I am. Like my avatar says, my inner girl is winning the war.
Hugs!!!
Danielle