So last week I saw my Therapist and we talked about my childhood. As I may have mentioned there were periods of my childhood I began to uncover where I did infact show rather strongnfeelings of wanting to be a girl , even if I tried to hid it from others. The most memorable period was 2001/2002. My therapist has began to become very interested in understanding what happened in 2002 (long story short lots of truama and shame that made me bury my gender feelings for years to come and put on a mask)...
We began to work on feelings of why I felt I had to be ashamed of enjoying girly things and the shame of wanting to switch bodies with a female. I had such intense shame and I am beginning to understand where it came from. We talked about basically tapping into those feelings I suppressed back in 2002, that being me, my inner girl. At first I kinda figured this was all nonsense but it is true l, something is there. I began to learn what to say to my inner child, tell her she's safe, smart, beautiful...etc.. and out of nowhere I began to weep. It came so suddenly and without consious thought. This isn't the first time, i once did a meditation (or something similar) years ago where they talked about allowing yourself to see how life would have been to the best of your knowledge had I been born a girl, same thing I began to weep. I wanted that life so badly.
For me there is one issue. There are only two things that make me kinda flip out.. dysphoira so bad you feel male, I mean so much so you feel trapped in it for however long( doesn't happen near as much anymore!) and anything that puts me back mentally and emotionally back to 2002, the year I lost much of my innocence and had to push Ashley away.
Anyone have anything similar?
I'm sorry, Ashley(lovely name, by the way!)
While I know many of us on her definitely have had inner female selves since birth or early childhood, I'm afraid that I'm an out-liner here.
I won't go into details as my usual talkative self, but I think I always sought what women have or were given or how they were treated or what they could do, etc.
But I am glad to hear your story, and I wanted to offer my support to a fellow sister! And, who knows, maybe I will revisit this thread with suppressed memories just like you, once I get to talking to my therapist more! ^_^
Hey love! And thank you! It is a hell of a ride, but feel free to PM me for any questions you have regarding your own self ^.^ . I love hearing about other people and their stories!!
QuoteThis isn't the first time, i once did a meditation (or something similar) years ago where they talked about allowing yourself to see how life would have been to the best of your knowledge had I been born a girl, same thing I began to weep. I wanted that life so badly.
This is why I refused to consider the possibility of transition, and tried everything imaginable to push that need away because to admit it meant confronting the pain of the life I wanted but couldn't have.
But on the other side of decades of buried pain exists the opportunity to have the life I've always wanted.
That was my breaking point.
I kept her locked away as long as I possibly could - 30 years! But in the end you can't keep her inside forever and when you do let her out life is just... better. :) Do I feel sad for all those years I could have had? For sure, but I did some pretty impressive things anyway and they make me the person I am today.
I can identify with much of what you are saying. Actually spoke to my therapist about it today. I have been feeling as of late that there so much more "girl" inside of me wanting to come out. I catch myself inside and say "whoa" you used to be a guy you can't do that, whatever that may be. It may not make sense but its happening inside. I am working with more diligence to give myself permission to let the girlies come out and enjoy this. I have lost a lot to get to this point. I need to fully see what's inside and let it out.
I had told myself there weren't childhood things I was suppressing. The longer this has gone on the more I have known that wasn't true. Over the last month I have been learning and experimenting with lipstick. It was one part of makeup I haven't allowed myself and felt I was ready. I have been trying all sorts of things and picked up a sample box at Sephora with a deep red stick and pencil in it. I tried it one day and the minute I got it on I really liked it and quickly felt that I had to get it off, like now. It has happened a couple times since and the last time the memories came back of being caught with my mom's lipstick as a child. I would swipe her little Avon samples and have dress up time. Not sure when I will let myself be ok with the red but so far pinks work just fine ;-)
Thanks girls for your experiences! It is a powerful ride eh?!