Hi,
I'm DJ (Or Indie, I'm fine with either). I'm 28, biologically male, and mostly just confused. I'm not entirely sure if I'm trans or genderfluid or something else right now, and have been trying to figure this out. I'm meeting with a professional counselor who deals with LGBT issues later today, but I've been doing research lately, and a lot of places have pointed me here as a good resource/support network.
I'm a USAF veteran, still dealing with combat PTSD, and currently work at a 3-letter intelligence agency as a counter-terrorism analyst. My career path hasn't been exactly the most... welcoming, with regard to anything LGBT, and having grown up in a rather conservative Christian family, I've mostly suppressed or avoided any feelings on the issue for a long time.
Things began to click for me not too long after I moved out and joined the military. Within the first few months on my own, I realized I'm bisexual, and thanks to a supportive friend, I came out with regard to that. Thankfully DADT was repealed a couple years later, and I could breathe easier. Once I had admitted that to both myself and others, some of those repressed memories and feelings began to come back.
While deployed in Europe, I had a lot of time by myself. I worked alone in my deployed office as the only Intelligence analyst on night shift, which gave me plenty of time to my thoughts. My limited free time was spent drinking in my room alone and watching old TV shows. I somehow stumbled on what My Little Pony, which was then brand new. Drunk and bored, I decided to watch it for a bit. I quickly became enthralled with the strong female characters, especially in that they didn't show "stereotypical" female traits. Instead they were strong characters who happened to be female. It intrigued me in a way I hadn't felt before, or so I thought.
Soon, I was remembering my youth more clearly. Things I had forced myself to forget, just to get by and "fit in" with everyone else. I remembered being twelve ad waiting until my parents had gone grocery shopping and I was alone in the house. I'd sneak into the spare bedroom where extra clothes were stored, and try on my mom's renaissance faire dress. I did that every time they left for a long time, simply because it just felt right to me. I remembered how much I hated looking at myself in the mirror, that I always just felt I looked wrong. I still do to this day, and hate having my picture taken. I remembered how excited I was that I had to wear tights when I was in drama, and how I had to hide that feeling and act annoyed like all the other guys. I remembered always choosing the female character in video games, and sticking with what I later realized were non-gendered nicknames throughout life. Even now, I go by DJ instead of my given name.
After that deployment, I moved to a new base. Once I got out of the dorms and had my own apartment, I felt more free and started to get the urge to experiment a bit. It started off simple, ordering some panties off amazon, and slowly grew. Some close friends at the local hot topic in town helped me out a bit with figuring out sizes, and setting things aside for me at the store so no one would notice what I was buying. Over time, I became more involved in crossdressing, often spending free time at home dressed as a woman, trying to figure out the mystery that is makeup. I still avoided any mention of these feelings around anyone but a couple of very close friends, one of which is going through similar issues, and later my girlfriend, now wife. I ended up pretty lucky with her. We're both bi, and she has been very supportive of my gender identity issues. She's been extremely receptive in talking with me about this stuff and hasn't backed away or anything.
The last few years though, I haven't crossdressed as much. Partly because of my insane work schedule, and partly because doing so tends to make me feel worse now. It's hard to describe, but it's almost like I'm just teasing myself by doing so. I can never look quite right, and it just hurts to look at.
Even writing this out, I feel more confident that I am mtf trans, but I've always been a cautious and logic driven person. I've never been one to just dive in and damn the consequences. Right now, I'm mostly just looking for help figuring out who I am, before I try to do anything. And, if/when that time comes, I'm still trying to think of how to tell my parents. They were not exactly happy about my coming out as bi, can't imagine this will be easier.
Thank you in advance for taking the time to read my ramblings. And I apologize profusely if I have inadvertently used any language that could be seen as offensive. I'm still learning the terminology as I go.
--DJ
It really is interesting having a feminine side isn't it. Funny how it is impossible to totally stop or suppress. I think a lot of us have to make a deal with our feminine side and allow a certain amount of expression or she kicks our ass in.
I don't think having both male and female personality necessarily means transition is the only path or solution. I personally think letting the brakes off a bit as required and exploring the woman within and being as authentic as possible reduces the inner conflict. I have found it is possible to take the pressure of by living on mtf HRT and not transition.
This method works for me maybe not everyone.
Kindest regards, Kirsten.
Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk
Hi DJ, welcome to Susan's Place! Thank you for your service. We have a veterans thread, Roll Call! (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,96755.0.html) There are quite a few vets here.
I'm genderfluid, part male, part female, and I choose to present to the world as a woman. We each walk a slightly different path, let us help you find yours. :)
See you around the site.
Hugs, Devlyn
Hi there DJ AKA Indie! Welcome to Susan's. You've come to the right place! Most of us have had to grapple with the questions you're asking yourself right now. Everyone's answers are a little different, and you're doing the right thing by working with a counsellor who understands LGBT issues. Everyone here is happy to help you figure things out, too. We know what it feels like.
I'm an "official greeter" here, so I've included links that describe how Susan's Place works. Take a read and I think it will help you get around and answer questions you might have.
BTW, I certainly didn't see anything offensive in your post. You're doing fine, and we're all happy you joined us.
Stephanie
Things that you should read
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Standard Terms & Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html) |
Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.) |
Reputation rules (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,18960.0.html) |
Cautionary Note (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,82221.0.html) |
Photo, avatars, & signature images policy (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,59974.msg383866.html#msg383866) |
Hi, DJ, and welcome. I am also ex air force, RCAF in my case. I can relate to a lot of what you describe. I think many of us started to become aware of our feminine side in similar ways.
Definitely hang around here and ask lots of questions or share your experiences. In terms of figuring out who you are and where you want to go in your life, I'll join in the general consensus, which is to talk to a gender therapist. That is their job: to help you figure out who you are, and to get you started on whatever path you choose.
Hi DJ :icon_wave:
Welcome to Susan's Place :) Glad to have you here, join on in the fun
Hugs
V M
Welcome DJ!
I too really enjoyed crossdressing, but when I accepted that I was trans it became a source of discontent. I really like wearing dresses but having to switch to boy clothes whenever I leave the house because I can't pass yet really bums me out. So what I've been doing recently is wearing women's clothes that aren't easily identifiable as such. A very observant person might spot the fact that my button up shirts button on the opposite side of men's shirts but I'm pretty sure no one can tell the shoes, socks and pants are women's. It's not ideal but it does make me feel good.
Hey, thanks y'all. This place had been described to me as very welcoming, and I'm glad to see that's true. Sorry if my first post was a bit disjointed, sleep is hard. I'm meeting with a counselor in a couple hours, still got the jitters over talking about this with a stranger.
I'll probably be a bit quiet to start, and just read other people's posts for a while until I get things semi-straight in my head.
(And heck yeah, RCAF! Loved working with your F-16 pilots. Y'all and the Norwegian crews were always the craziest to hang with.)