Hello, everyone.
Long story is long--the short version is that, although I've had issues with my gender identity for as long as I can remember, I was trapped in an extremely conservative family until I turned 21, and was forced to repress and ignore my feelings until I finally broke away from a long cycle of abuse. Until then, I had no trouble keeping my true self locked away in my head, since I always had much bigger problems to worry about.
After leaving the family (we're no longer on speaking terms), I finally felt free to explore my identity. I re-evaluated my entire personality, trying to discover who I wanted to be. I started by developing my current tastes in music, then moved on to politics and religion. After about a year of freedom, I began to come to terms with my sexuality and my gender identity. Admitting to myself that I felt attracted to both genders was hard; admitting I was a transwoman was harder.
I've been considering transitioning for four years now, trying to avoid the issue by telling myself that there are certain benefits to remaining male, that I'm really a tomboy at heart anyway and I could deal with my dysphoria with just a little bit of support from my loved ones, and for a time, I managed to get by. I came out to my (now ex) boyfriend, a trans man, just over two years ago, and until he moved away, he was my ultimate source of comfort. Once we were apart, I was left to deal with my issues on my own, and feeling alone, I nearly killed myself. At that point, I realized I no longer had a choice in my transition--if I did nothing to change myself, I would remain miserable until I died.
That's where I am now: planning my transition, trying to piece my life together. Ideally, I'll someday reach a place where I can feel secure and happy with myself, but for now, I can only dream, and focus on moving towards that kind of life.
Thanks for reading; sorry if my story seems depressing.
Welcome to Susans, DustKitten!
I'm sorry things broke apart with your family, but it definitely seems like that was for the best for you, so I'm glad you escaped it.
I wish you luck as your really start to begin your transition, and hope to see you around the forums more!
When you pointed out being miserable until you die, that really hit me. That's how I was feeling too, before really going for all this. That's why I think you should definitely embrace who you really are!
I also think it's interesting that you were 'crafting' a new personality. That sounds challenging, I hope it wasn't. Despite not even realizing I could be transgender until about 2 months ago, I haven't really had to try and change my views or interests much.
I wish you well, sister! Don't hesitate to rely on us here at Susans for advice or for comfort or just to hang out!
Much love,
Eryn
Hello Dust Kitten ... WELCOME to Susan's Place.
I see you are new here, so I'll post some links that may help you get better acquainted with the site. Pay attention to the site rules they can be of great help and don't forget the link highlighted in RED. It has answers to questions that are commonly asked. Then join in on a topic you find interesting and learn and share.
Again, welcome.
Danielle
Things that you should read
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Hi Dust Kitten :icon_wave:
Welcome to Susan's Place :) Glad to have you here, join on in the fun
Hugs
V M