Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Community Conversation => Transitioning => Hormone replacement therapy => Topic started by: IamJoannaAndJohn on June 05, 2018, 09:13:08 AM

Title: almost 3months into HRT, still having identity issues....
Post by: IamJoannaAndJohn on June 05, 2018, 09:13:08 AM
greetings u beautiful people of Susan's.

so i've started my journey into the HRT thing after seeing myself in girly outfits and after making a decision of wanting to be like a girl after coming out as gay

along the way of taking my daily/weekly regimen and being as girly as i can, my mind has yet to follow suit with my heart and body.

as weird as it may seem, i still find it difficult to make peace with the whole, ' i'm a woman/a girl/ a female' and still stuck in the 'you know you're a dude trying hard to be a woman and u know you're failing and don't look good and not really a woman yourself' phase

is this normal? where is it coming from and how does one overcome this?

thank you
Title: Re: almost 3months into HRT, still having identity issues....
Post by: AnamethatstartswithE on June 05, 2018, 09:22:57 AM
I'm sorry you're having these problems. It could just be internalized transphobia, or it could be that you're not entirely binary. I don't think any of us can tell you what it is, it's something you have to figure out for yourself.

I hope I helped.
Title: Re: almost 3months into HRT, still having identity issues....
Post by: Northern Star Girl on June 05, 2018, 09:25:09 AM
Quote from: IamJoannaAndJohn on June 05, 2018, 09:13:08 AM
greetings u beautiful people of Susan's.

so i've started my journey into the HRT thing after seeing myself in girly outfits and after making a decision of wanting to be like a girl after coming out as gay

along the way of taking my daily/weekly regimen and being as girly as i can, my mind has yet to follow suit with my heart and body.

as weird as it may seem, i still find it difficult to make peace with the whole, ' i'm a woman/a girl/ a female' and still stuck in the 'you know you're a dude trying hard to be a woman and u know you're failing and don't look good and not really a woman yourself' phase

is this normal? where is it coming from and how does one overcome this?

thank you

Dear IamJoannaAndJohn:
   Thank you for expressing your thoughts regarding your transition concerns. 
In my opinion, from reading lots of other member's postings here on the Forums, what you stated is not unusual at all.  In the initial times of transition there can certainly be moments that will cause concern and doubts.  Please take the time to read lots of postings here, I think that you can then be assured that you are not alone with what you are feeling

The good news is that here on the Susan's Place Forums you will find many like-minded members that you can share your concerns with.
I am looking forward to reading your future postings as you describe your transition progress.

Hugs and Well Wishes to you.
Danielle
Title: Re: almost 3months into HRT, still having identity issues....
Post by: IamJoannaAndJohn on June 05, 2018, 09:31:51 AM
Quote from: AnamethatstartswithE on June 05, 2018, 09:22:57 AM
I'm sorry you're having these problems. It could just be internalized transphobia, or it could be that you're not entirely binary. I don't think any of us can tell you what it is, it's something you have to figure out for yourself.

I hope I helped.

i actually am like that. homo and transphobia back when i was young and clueless about things and myself but not to the point of actually dishing out physical harm although it doesn't excuse my phobia. wow it actually makes sense...your post....i could look at this differently now...

Quote from: Alaskan Danielle on June 05, 2018, 09:25:09 AM

Dear IamJoannaAndJohn:
   Thank you for expressing your thoughts regarding your transition concerns. 
In my opinion, from reading lots of other member's postings here on the Forums, what you stated is not unusual at all.  In the initial times of transition there can certainly be moments that will cause concern and doubts.  Please take the time to read lots of postings here, I think that you can then be assured that you are not alone with what you are feeling

The good news is that here on the Susan's Place Forums you will find many like-minded members that you can share your concerns with.
I am looking forward to reading your future postings as you describe your transition progress.

Hugs and Well Wishes to you.
Danielle


thanks for the reply. yes i am going through the forum bit by bit and figuring things out.
Title: Re: almost 3months into HRT, still having identity issues....
Post by: warlockmaker on June 05, 2018, 10:03:05 AM
We each have a different view of being female and cis also have this variety, it defines how we image ourselves. First, we can never be a real female, we are female tgs. We have lived a life driven by T and experienced its ensuing behavior. These memories will always be there and many still have residual male behavior. This is absolutely normal because HRT has changed our perception of life forever. We find the tranquility, empathy, and peace in finally having a brain driven by E.  Being female is mental and not dictated by preconcieved behavior norms. Being able pass is a separate matter, subject to gender norms in your culture and a continuing debatable topic.

Being a female tg is a blessing as we will experience 2 lives in one lifetime. It took me 3 years of therapy to accept I was tg and not just a passing fantasy. I was on HRT for another 3 years and then had srs. I loved my life as a male but the call of my female side reached volumes that I  could no longer ignore and it was time to cross the line and fully commit.

I live an amazing life as a female tg and cherish my memories of my life as a male. Stay positive, give your mind time to adjust.
Title: Re: almost 3months into HRT, still having identity issues....
Post by: Mendi on June 05, 2018, 10:13:19 AM
I think those thoughts are quite comming at the start, at least whenever I looked at the mirror in the beginning, all I could think was, that I look horrible, a man trying hard to be seen as a woman...and it´s clearly not working.

Only now the thought is fading and changing into the thought, that I think I look quite ok...perhaps even pretty...let´s wait for another six months and see then  ;D
Title: Re: almost 3months into HRT, still having identity issues....
Post by: Harley Quinn on June 05, 2018, 10:25:41 AM
Quote from: IamJoannaAndJohn on June 05, 2018, 09:13:08 AM

is this normal? where is it coming from and how does one overcome this?

It's quite normal.  The doubt comes from overly questioning what you feel, and confusing the expected/conditioned social response with your natural instinct.  The only way I could get over it was to realize that like multiple choice tests, your first instinct is generally the correct one.  Realize that you are a woman, so everything do think and feel is going to be the natural reactions/thoughts of a woman with your life experience...  And when working on integrating social norms into your daily life, you only have to adopt the things that speak to you and leave the rest (like every other woman).  Don't try to change who you are, because you believe that you are expected to.  Integrate the social constructs into your life as a step in personal growth because its who you aspire to be.
Title: Re: almost 3months into HRT, still having identity issues....
Post by: Janes Groove on June 05, 2018, 05:00:38 PM
You're obviously doing it wrong.

Just kidding. Ha ha ha.
There is no right way to do it.  My advice, don't overthink it, just relax and enjoy it.
Title: Re: almost 3months into HRT, still having identity issues....
Post by: pamelatransuk on June 06, 2018, 06:05:42 AM
Quote from: Harley Quinn on June 05, 2018, 10:25:41 AM
It's quite normal.  The doubt comes from overly questioning what you feel, and confusing the expected/conditioned social response with your natural instinct.  The only way I could get over it was to realize that like multiple choice tests, your first instinct is generally the correct one.  Realize that you are a woman, so everything do think and feel is going to be the natural reactions/thoughts of a woman with your life experience...  And when working on integrating social norms into your daily life, you only have to adopt the things that speak to you and leave the rest (like every other woman).  Don't try to change who you are, because you believe that you are expected to.  Integrate the social constructs into your life as a step in personal growth because its who you aspire to be.

I second this. Perfect response Harley.

Pamela
Title: Re: almost 3months into HRT, still having identity issues....
Post by: mako9802 on June 06, 2018, 08:04:54 AM
Maybe your truth is somewhere in the middle.  And you know what its ok.  Be you be natural and forget others.   All females arent girly girly and are no less females for that fact.
Title: Re: almost 3months into HRT, still having identity issues....
Post by: Denise on September 16, 2018, 01:43:21 PM
I absolutely understand And have the same thoughts. 

I have recently come to this conclusion:
I always wanted to be a woman and feel like a woman.  I know what it is to feel like a guy.  So I was expecting to "feel" female.  That has not happened.  I just feel like Denise, neither male nor female.

Sent from my LG-H910 using Tapatalk

Title: Re: almost 3months into HRT, still having identity issues....
Post by: GordonG on September 16, 2018, 02:21:44 PM
The way I see it is that you are who you are. The hrt just helps to put certain things into the proper perspective. Hormones can only change certain things. Those things can help you feel more like your actual inner self, but can't change other things. So we end up being a mixture of us and our past experiences and the things that are new to us and those new experiences. I think this is what some previous posters are saying. The HRT doesn't make a new you just a changed you.
Title: Re: almost 3months into HRT, still having identity issues....
Post by: Lisa on September 16, 2018, 02:43:36 PM
Figuring out your sense of identity can be a real struggle.  I'm still working on it myself, and I still have bad days, but I'm making progress overall.

We're surrounded by a society that has all sorts of expectations for how women are, and not meeting enough of those physically or in learned social skills has a way of bringing up doubts.  I'm not 100% feminine 100% of the time, which is true of many women; I could also be non-binary, but trying to focus too much on my internal sense of self and what gender I really am was stressing me out and driving me nuts!

I went into HRT expecting that over time I would feel distinctly more female, as my sense of my gender was vague and sometimes varying before that.  Instead, what's happened is that I feel like myself, and I didn't really know what that felt like before.  In my case the only automatic sense of gender that feeling like myself comes with is that male isn't right, and everything else I just have to figure out over time.

In order to avoid obsessing over my internal sense of identity and constantly stressing myself out over it, I asked myself some questions.  Be careful as a few of these at least partially rely on being able to put society's expectations on hold for a bit or being out and accepted by a few people:
Do I feel better on HRT mentally?
Do I feel good about the physical changes HRT brings?
If I ignore the mirror entirely and think only about how I feel, does wearing women's clothing feel better, or worse?
Does coming out and being accepted make me feel better, or scare me away from transitioning?
When socializing, do I feel more comfortable with women or men?
Do I feel better when others treat me as a man, or a woman, or neither?
What pronouns *feel* best on average?  Not which ones feel most automatic (patterns are hard to break), but what feels good?
When I process things mentally and emotionally, does it seem to be a closer match to the way cis women process things, or cis men, or neither?


In my case, I finally just said, if I want to look like a woman, and have a body like a woman, and I feel more comfortable interacting with other women who are treating me like a woman, and I usually feel better being addressed by female pronouns (even if I don't always make the connection yet that they're referring to me), and I seem to process things mentally and emotionally like the other women around me, and I feel better in women's clothing, then I must be a woman, and my occasional thoughts of being male or neither are just due to years of being told otherwise and internalizing that.  Old patterns are hard to break, even if they're actively making your life worse!

I started having a lot of doubts around 3 months into HRT myself, but I felt better after another month of transition progress.  I wrote about that in this thread (forgive the name change - I'm still struggling with that part!):  https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,239870.msg2161532.html#msg2161532

I hope you can start feeling more comfortable with your own identity as well!
-Lisa