Ok so a little background is probably necessary. A few months back, and beginning late last year I began to wrestle (yet again) with the things that bothered me where my gender identity was concerned. By February I had been in therapy for a while and had even gotten a letter recommending I begin HRT, my husband and I nearly divorced (I'm currently presenting as a gay man to the world), and then my aunt passed away at the age of 59. Despite the stresses of my personal life I had nonetheless been resolute to myself that I would transition and this time was going to be THE time, the one I didn't go back on and stop for some reason. Yet I stopped dead in my tracks. I went to marriage counseling and saved my marriage for the time being and now things are ok. I also had a bat bout with depression (I am Bipolar 2), which I have now thankfully resolved through the right medication adjustments and therapy. I put my aunt to rest and am sad but at peace with her passing. Yet here I remain, yet again, another failed transition attempt on my part. This would be the third or fourth time I think depending on how you look at it. I want to become the authentic me, the woman I've always known I was, and yet I cannot seem to move forward. For now I am not transitioning and have resigned myself to that, but my heart hasn't changed and deep down I still want the same things. How do I come to terms with this? I am open to any and all constructive advice because I feel like this is something that isn't possible for me right now and yet I can't help but wanting it more than almost anything. How do I live with that? I am at a loss.
When I was in the closet I used to do lots of things to try to distract my mind from what I believed (falsely) that I could never have. I spent a lot of time pursuing hobbies, reading, working - things that could keep my mind off of thinking about how badly I wanted to live as my true self - a woman.
Basically that's what I'm doing. I'm starting at a new job tomorrow. Hopefully that occupies my mind for a while. In the past I've turned to alcohol to occupy my time, not healthy I know.
Beer was my best friend. In 2016 I semi gave up transition... and it was the worst. I recall a few times that year I would get hammered at 7... 7 am that is and then lay on the living room floor upset and why I am in conflict about everything. Continue gender therapy if ya can
Quote from: SailorMars1994 on June 10, 2018, 05:43:37 PM
Beer was my best friend. In 2016 I semi gave up transition... and it was the worst. I recall a few times that year I would get hammered at 7... 7 am that is and then lay on the living room floor upset and why I am in conflict about everything. Continue gender therapy if ya can
I think I am going to try, unfortunately I'm limited on funds at the moment but like I said I will be starting a new job soon. I will likely continue then. Your 7 am story sounds like my weekends sadly, so I can relate.
Also don't beat yourself up about "going back" it doesn't maker you any more or any less female. But this is why you need to see the professionals asap. In the mean time please give these people a ring
https://www.translifeline.org/
You may not be able to see a one one one specialist or even transition at the moment but these people should be able to give you the tools to allow you to succeed!
Quote from: SailorMars1994 on June 10, 2018, 06:19:23 PM
Also don't beat yourself up about "going back" it doesn't maker you any more or any less female. But this is why you need to see the professionals asap. In the mean time please give these people a ring
https://www.translifeline.org/
You may not be able to see a one one one specialist or even transition at the moment but these people should be able to give you the tools to allow you to succeed!
Thank you. I really do appreciate it.
Quote from: ColoTex2890 on June 10, 2018, 04:31:07 PM
Basically that's what I'm doing. I'm starting at a new job tomorrow. Hopefully that occupies my mind for a while. In the past I've turned to alcohol to occupy my time, not healthy I know.
Me too. But I hit such a low bottom in 1984 that I've never had a drink since. AA meetings helped with that.
And drinking didn't help with the gender dysphoria AT ALL. Oddly cannabis did ease my gender dysphoria tho, maybe because I was wound so tight about feeling that being a girl was something I had to stay away from at all cost because I was still holding onto the notion that it was
so wrong. Cannabis allowed me to at least feel a little more comfortable with it. I gave that up about 2 1/2 years ago when I started HRT and haven't really missed it. Overall I prefer a clear mind all the time now.
But all the diversions weren't totally wasted. I have a bunch of skills now. Learning new stuff is always good.
Hi friend, just wanted to show my support in your thread as well. I'm here for you anytime you want to text me <3