Hello everyone, I'm not sure how to start exactly, so I'll do my best. (Crossing my fingers)
I'm 38, married to an amazing wife, father of 3 beautiful kids. I'm just now starting my journey.
To the best of my recollecttion, as early as 7-8 yers old I have felt like a girl/woman inside. As a child living in a deeply conservative southern baptist home, was difficult to say the least. Having girly interests and behaviors was punished harshly, not unlike many life stories I have heard and read my parents tried conversion therapy on me twice, once when i was 10 and again about 17. I have struggled for a long time about my feelings and emotions and general dysphoria.
Early life i was homeschooled and basically hid from the world. I got to go to public school when i entered 9th grade. I was very unhappy and got picked on for a bunch of reasons. I pushed through the only way i knew how. I created a hyper masculine identity. I fought anyone and everyone at the drop of a hat. Mostly in defense of my female friends. Or people who were being bullied. It was not particularly a pleasant time. I was not allowed to have a real girlfriend until i was 18. That was great! Whatever, I had serious problems with self identity anyways. since i want allowed to date, i hung out with all the girls i could, eventually i ended up with just over 400 "little sisters". All of whom looked to me for protection, guidance, love, and understanding. What i got out of the deal was being around girls. I played football, rode motorcycles, raced cars, all the things a teenage male should do, only i took it up a notch. I was acting as though everything was normal, while inside i was dying a litttle everyday.
I knew something was different for me. But i lived in denial. Built an entire country of denial. I've had what i call "hyper masculine" phases where I have engaged in over the top masculine roles throughout my life. I was injured on a job, and ended up disabled. So i'm Going on 10 years of not being able to get a job, luckily my wife has a good job and doesn't mind being the bread winner.
A mentioned i have three children, 8,4 an 2 years of age. I've been the stay at home since day one. As a "domestic engineer" I took on the role of the stay at home "mom". so best way to say this is the gender roles are truly reversed in our house. Which is no big deal to me. Ive always been a natural when it comes to taking care of kids. I joke about how my mom would "pimp me out" to her friends who had babies and needed someone to take care of the baby so they could get a good nights sleep, that started at age 14, and i still do it for friends with young babies. I know firsthand how it feels to be on just a few hours of sleep and trying to cope. Everyone needs a break.
I really noticed something was "wrong" or "off" when we had our kids. My bride had trouble breastfeeding all three kids, and i felt a very deep depression every time because I wanted to be able to breastfeed them an couldn't because I wasn't born with the right equipment. That's really when I became aware of the woman who i really was inside. I had moments before that, but they were minor compared to the anguish of not being able to breastfeed the kids, MY kids, MY BABIES...
I also have insanely sensitive skin (cause is yet to be determined), i feel like my skin is sunburned ALL THE TIME. Ever gone out into the sun the day after a bad sunburn? That's my life. Along with crippling migraines, seizure disorder and other physical issues that i m currently trying to sort out.
I am on antidepressants for PTSD, one day my doctor and I talked about changing the one I am on to a different one that is better suited for PTSD related depression. That med change is what changed my life. It uncorked everything that i had buried and stuffed and hid from everyone, including my wife. I lost control of my emotions one night and just through myself out of the closet. In a crying meltdown i told my wife everything, that I felt like a woman, that i have always been unhappy as a man, that I hated my body and anguished over not having the physical appearance i thought i should have. That was about 3 months ago.
I promptly went BACK to the old antidepressant, which still to this day has mediocre results. But i am seeing a therapist that's specializes in transgender and gender related issues. She is fantastic. I have started seeing doctors to sort out my health before i make any changes to my body.
It was a kick to the gut when i found out about gender dysphoria. And that fact that I've had it as long as i can remember. I am at the beginning of my journey. Reaching out for as much help and information as possible.
I started dressing in women's clothes about 8 years ago, only at home and mostly only lounge wear, shorts and tanks. I made the jump to breast forms, bras, and a truly feminine wardrobe about a year and half ago. That helped the dysphasia for a while. Took the pain out of the dysphasia for a while. But the med change literally changed my life. I just could not continue living the lie that i have for the last 30 yers.
Now I am getting focus on my overall health. My wife is supportive though not fully understanding the whole thing. Which i still don't have all the answers either. Once i have a reasonable handle on my health, physical transition will be initiated. I want to let the woman i have always been, to live and experience the world. Because up to now she has been locked away behind the manly facade of the identity that was assigned to me. Carefully crafted and honed to be the "perfect male specimen". HA OH WELL!!!!
So HI! I'm the new girl in town. I have read so many positive posts here that i decided it was time for me to join the family and the discussions.
@Sacred Hello Sacred (New Girl In town),
I see that this is your very first posting and you have just become a member of Susan's Place so please allow me to give you my Official Welcome.
I am glad that you have taken the step to become a member of Susan's Place and that you have shared your interesting and very informative Introduction Post and your thoughts for other members to see here on your first posting and thread.
I am thinking that you may lots of questions and concerns, this is the right place for you to be to find out what others have done that may have been in your circumstances.
Be aware that there are lots of members here that can identify with what you may be going through.
Please allow me to also WELCOME you to Susan's Place. You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.
It is nice that you had signed up so you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other members.
When frustrated or if you have successes you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....
***It's a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new friends here.
Please come in and get involved at your own pace.
Below, I posted Important LINKS that will tell you about Susan's Place. Included there is information about the site that will help you navigate around and best utilize the features here.
Again, Welcome.
Danielle
Here are some links to the site rules and stuff that all new members should be familiar with:
Things that you should read
Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html) | Standard Terms & Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html) | Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.) | Cautionary Note (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,82221.0.html) |
Reputation rules (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,18960.0.html) | News posting & quoting guidelines (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,174951.0.html) | Photo, avatars, & signature images policy (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,59974.msg383866.html#msg383866) | Membership Agreement (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,216851.0.html) |
Thank you so much for the welcome, and the links. I will definitely read up on all the policies and I really do hope to not just meet new friends, but be a new friend! I figure if I'm on this journey, I should do what I can to suppport who I can, because I have already received so much help!
Hi Sacred :icon_wave:
Welcome to Susan's Place :) Glad to have you here, join on in the fun
Hugs
V M