OMG. Existential crisis or what?
I woke up today feeling pretty miserable, wondering if I really am transgender. I mean, for all my wants to explore and hopefully one day transition, I don't feel any different. Being a woman is more than just having a vagina and wearing a dress. How do women feel? Do I feel like that? Do I? Am I the biggest fraud in history?
Lucy
If I feel female?
What is it I feel? I look like a man. I sound like a man. I have a penis. I have horrible hair on my face. Every day is tiring and exhausting. I don't want to do this anymore. I've had enough. But I don't know what I feel or how I feel. Am I comfortable in my own skin? To a point. Yes. I think. Am I happy in my skin? No. If I could change tomorrow? Yes. Yes I would.
Should I change? I don't know. What does it feel like to be a woman. What do women think? Sure, I wear mens clothes and I have a penis. But these are all external signs. I could change tomorrow, wear womens clothes, have a vagina and breasts. But what if my inside doesn't match my outside? What is inside?
I was hoping for some kind of light bulb moment, some change in thinking, or a way of looking at things, that I could say, yes, that's it... that's the inward female... It wouldn't matter what's on me, because I would know who I am inside and that would be all the proof.
I could quite easily say though - what does it feel like to be a man? Sure I have all the external signs, I sound like one, look like one. I even engage in some male pursuits as it is expected. If someone said we can take away those thoughts and make you a man - would I go for it? Probably not. If I had no gender and got given a choice. I'd be a woman.
But I know I'll miss my male friendships.
Remember there are more choices than male or female. Gender is a spectrum, not a switch.
Hugs, Devlyn
I can only speak to what being female feels like to me. I never doubted from the time I realized I am trans until I started hrt that I'm actually female, however finally starting estrogen was a huge "aha" moment for me and is for most women (I had a wonderful long talk after pride with a woman who'd just started her a month ago, it was good to hear her talking about the feelings that came up and I was able to answer her questions about physical effects, boob growth etc).
Being female isn't always easy, it carries it's own challenges ... I sometimes wish now I could more easily hold my emotions back, just as before HRT I wished I weren't prone to serious anger.
Consider starting hormones. Also don't take that devlyn in the corner too seriously, being relatively binary female is just fine also.
I used to describe it as wanting the eyes that look out, to match the eyes that look back when I look in the mirror. After a year of HRT and T blockers I feel that is starting to happen.
For me there has never been an "ah ha" moment. Rather it has been a series of small realisations that amongst all the pain and confusion that has been my life as a male, I now just feel right. I no longer feel like a freak dressing in women's clothes. That said, the essence of me has not changed. Nor do I expect it ever will.
No Lucy you are most certainly NOT a fraud.
Cis people do not spend time thinking about gender - only transgender people do. Clearly to me you are transgender but a therapist should provide further evidence as you explore if you still have doubts.
I believe you are transgender and of course a woman.
Finally don't worry about this too much as we all have doubts at time - it is natural to be cautious over such a major event.
Wishing you happiness
Hugs
Pamela
While some trans folks say they "feel" their gender, there are many of us who don't. I have no idea what "male" feels like, nor what "female" feels like. I only know what I feel like: I feel like me. I have nothing to which to compare the feeling of being me. I don't have a male "before" and female "after" to compare, since biology tells us that gender has a biological basis: I have always been female, I just didn't realize it.
I only know that, since I started transitioning, I feel happier about myself. I was asocial before, now, I happily mingle with other women, though I still have a lot to learn about the way women process interactions. I feel like a huge weight has lifted from my shoulders.
It is normal to have doubts. We all have them. One of the best things about transitioning is that it helps you to remove some of the doubts. Unfortunately, that is something you can only experience after you have started.
My doubts, when they arrive, are usually along the lines of "Life would have been so much simpler if I wasn't transitioning. So maybe I'm not really trans." But there are a few things I tell myself to get past them:
- Simpler does not mean happier. I am definitely happier now.
- I was not able to stop cross-dressing pre-transition. It was a need, not a want.
- Never in my life, not a single time, did I ever wish to be more masculine. On the contrary, I always wanted to be more feminine.
- Even when I thought I was a guy, I wanted to be a "soft" (i.e. feminine) male.
Those are all facts that, even when things get confusing, I cannot deny. They all point to the same conclusion.
You might want to try making a list of similar signs for yourself, to help you weather the doubts. As you progress and accumulate experiences, your doubts will grow fewer. Remember that cisgender people almost never thing about their gender. Trans people are almost always thinking about it.
...I can't describe it; I just am. Some things you just know, and if you feel that you are truly a woman then you are. I recommend being realistic about transitioning though; HRT feminizes us, but it has a lot of limitations, almost all of us require facial hair removal, and a lot of us decide to have FFS, breast augmentation, and other feminizing surgeries, because HRT doesn't do enough to feminize us on it's own.
Thanks Kathy, and thank you everyone. Truly this is a wonderful community. I will be having my first chat with Gender GP in a few days. Excited.
As you yourself say Kathy, there's no part of me that wishes I was more masculine. It's completely foreign to me. My lack of dating also indicates a low desire for a male/female relationship, unless maybe the roles were reversed. I've cut my hair short and tried growing a beard. Yes. That's the height of my masculinity. But it's not me. I'm a delicate flower as some of my friends have said.
So if I want to take steps in transitioning, what's a good pathway? I'm considering anti androgens as a starter, but I'm not after taking anything you can't reverse. I guess I should look at some clothes, and perhaps try the cross dressing to see how I feel.
Scary but exciting.
Lucy
I cant say this is the answer for everyone, but for me what does it feel like to be truly happy, I was born male, I still present as male (after 30 years) but ive never been happy with who I was yes I have my doubts, but I know this is the right path and ive known for a while just didnt know how to get there.
From talking with people and reading what others have wrote, you dont need to feel externally anything. You need to feel good about yourself and happy if it feels like youve taken a backseat in your own life something is wrong. You shouldnt have to live with depression and I promise everyone here from the youngest to the oldest has felt some depression (thats kind of in the title of Gender Dysphoria lol) Ultimately only you can tell if this is the right path.
People are so worried about burning bridges they forget about the burning road they are on...
Quote from: LucyEgo on June 14, 2018, 11:27:54 AM
Thanks Kathy, and thank you everyone. Truly this is a wonderful community. I will be having my first chat with Gender GP in a few days. Excited.
As you yourself say Kathy, there's no part of me that wishes I was more masculine. It's completely foreign to me. My lack of dating also indicates a low desire for a male/female relationship, unless maybe the roles were reversed. I've cut my hair short and tried growing a beard. Yes. That's the height of my masculinity. But it's not me. I'm a delicate flower as some of my friends have said.
So if I want to take steps in transitioning, what's a good pathway? I'm considering anti androgens as a starter, but I'm not after taking anything you can't reverse. I guess I should look at some clothes, and perhaps try the cross dressing to see how I feel.
Scary but exciting.
Lucy
life is scary but taking that first step is important too
I have to say I've never felt 'male' or 'female' I've felt like me. Before when my body didn't match I was rather unhappy with life. Now that the inside and the outside (mostly) match and there is a path forward I'm a happy me.
I wear womens clothes, have a more feminine body and my thought patterns are certainly different. even then I don't think I could pin down a definitive list of things that define being a women. I think its an exercise in over thinking. Live in the moment and celebrate life.
It's really hard to describe how I feel. If I were in some game character editor, being able to say "I'm +2 Healer and +1 Mana User, and -3 Rampager" might be a way to go at it, but I'm not.
When I was pretending to be a male I was in a state of constant anxiety, worried that someone might see through me, constantly double-checking my speech and movement to make sure I was doing 'Guy'. I had learned growing up that this was important, and failing to do this was punished severely.
Now that I've stopped hiding and am just being myself, I feel intense relief, am much more at ease, and can actually be happy and express myself in words and emotions. I feel right, and honest with myself and the world.
Does that help?
Quote from: LucyEgo on June 14, 2018, 11:27:54 AM
Thanks Kathy, and thank you everyone. Truly this is a wonderful community. I will be having my first chat with Gender GP in a few days. Excited.
...
So if I want to take steps in transitioning, what's a good pathway? I'm considering anti androgens as a starter, but I'm not after taking anything you can't reverse. I guess I should look at some clothes, and perhaps try the cross dressing to see how I feel.
Scary but exciting.
Lucy
That's great that you will be seeing GenderGP soon. Definitely something to get excited about. You don't want to be on blockers only for very long. The human body needs sex hormones (either T or E will do) for good bone health. That is why post-menopausal cis women are prone to osteoporosis. But that is something to talk over with your doctor.
Lucy
As I said on the "Counselling" thread, I am so glad you contacted GenderGP. You have made the right decision.
They will give you really good advice both in terms of therapy and in terms of HRT if you desire the latter.
Good luck.
Pamela
Well my darling, if I knew that, I would be able to answer a simple yes or no to womanhood. All that I do know though is that I am not man, and sometimes not woman, and often that makes me feel really bad about myself.
But then chocolate. It is the answer.
Rowan
I've just spent the best part of a morning looking at the shape and size of my skull. I feel my chin is quite pointy, my jaw now very pronounced and not much of a brow ridge. Nose is a bit large as are my eye brows.
Sat in Starbucks watching the world go by, looking at people's faces, features and dimensions. I feel silly.
I'd love if there was somewhere in this forum I could post pictures privately to get feedback. Not ready to come out yet, needy mind publicly.
Lucy
Quote from: LucyEgo on June 15, 2018, 06:43:23 AM
I've just spent the best part of a morning looking at the shape and size of my skull. I feel my chin is quite pointy, my jaw now very pronounced and not much of a brow ridge. Nose is a bit large as are my eye brows.
Sat in Starbucks watching the world go by, looking at people's faces, features and dimensions. I feel silly.
I'd love if there was somewhere in this forum I could post pictures privately to get feedback. Not ready to come out yet, needy mind publicly.
Lucy
The chat section of this website has options for private chat where you could share photos with someone and get feedback if that is your wish. It happens quite often actually. :)
Being raised a boy and living most of my life as a man conditioned me to think I was, even though my true subconscious sex has always been female. The effect is powerful. Since I began my gender transition five years ago, that conditioning has faded away almost entirely. I'll be honest and say that having people perceive and treat me as female has been very helpful in erasing the stubborn remnants of masculine identity that interfered with my ability to develop and enjoy my true personality. But today, I'm still the same person inside that I always was. Shedding the masculine veneer doesn't change your core identity. I was always a woman inside, and transitioning gave me the freedom to be my true self openly. Having doubts before and during those early days of transition is not uncommon, and it's important to resolve major doubts before committing to irreversible sex/gender changes. Most people seek the guidance of a gender therapist to sort out questions and concerns they have about their gender identity. As a general rule, if you are not sure transition is what you need and want, you shouldn't begin that process until you are.
I'll check out this chat section. Thanks.
Well I had my first Gender GP session yesterday. Seemed to go well. There does seem to be a large possibility that I am actually transgender. I've told a few friends about my curiosity and they totally support me which is good.
I think one thing that comes out of all this... Are these feelings just a distraction or genuine? Like is the thought of suicide ideation or is the threat real? I'm not suicidal, but you get my point.
I'm beginning to realise it's genuine.
Now I got to figure out how much dysphoria there is and what to do about it. I feel like I should discuss an action plan with my GP.
My only concern with GenderGP, is that the counselor was talking to agree to a block of ten and that I'm now to pay her directly and not Gender GP? Is that normal?
Lucy
Quote from: MissyMay2.0 on June 14, 2018, 11:22:59 AM
...I can't describe it; I just am. Some things you just know, and if you feel that you are truly a woman then you are. I recommend being realistic about transitioning though; HRT feminizes us, but it has a lot of limitations, almost all of us require facial hair removal, and a lot of us decide to have FFS, breast augmentation, and other feminizing surgeries, because HRT doesn't do enough to feminize us on it's own.
Some women never had surgery and at 2-3 years are passable. A lot has to do with hair styling and clothing, too. Even some pre hrt women, particularly in the U.K., are very feminine and haven't had surgeries.
I don't think makeup is the winner's door to passing either.
And I think surgery is very delicate and not just an overnight fix.
Just my 2 cents, I veered off topic but I agree with the rest of your post.
Sent from my VS501 using Tapatalk
Quote from: LucyEgo on June 14, 2018, 05:31:34 AM
What does it feel like to be a woman. What do women think?
That's a question with two answers. The first answer is no-one knows what anybody really thinks inside for sure. No woman knows precisely how another woman feels, since we have to rely on the clumsy medium of words and to trust what people describe with them is actually the truth. The second answer is based on averages of women's behavior and what women tend to say about themselves. That's all there is to go on.
I would guess most people go on the information they have accumulated so far in life from observing men and women and hearing them talk. I got born female and to an extent I understand the things women's bodies/hormones compel them to behave like, but it didn't apply at all to the "female personality" (on average). Women I know would love to get together and gossip about stuff, I didn't. They were very interested in clothes, shoes, and looking attractive, I wasn't. They usually didn't like confrontations and altercations and asserting their own dominance all the time, whereas I did. They would have a different approach to life than the men I knew, whereas my approach was instinctively much more like that of the men I knew. Most of us have a picture by now of what men and women are generally 'like' and whether or not we fit the picture of our birth sex. That, and the amount of discomfort arising from having to behave in a way that does not feel natural... that's about the only things there are to go on.
I'd say as well transsexual people are in the unenviable position of having an "inside" dictated to not only by their inclinations and instincts but by gendered upbringing being put onto them, as well as a dominant sex hormone which can and will confuse the situation. Sometimes you can be a mix of inclinations, not a perfect stereotype.
The only thing you really have to figure out is where your "comfort zone" lies. How much discomfort you have and are prepared to put up with as a result of how you are right now. How everyone figured this out is probably unique to each case but I just took a look at how I felt right now, versus how I felt for the last three decades, looked honestly at the childhood signs and issues and honestly at the ones I had as an adult still, and weighed everything up that way, and (probably most importantly) compared these to the "classic symptoms" shown by trans people of the condition. Which I had in spades. I did give myself a year or two to think about it, so it wasn't a snap decision. I also knew that transition was not a panacea that was necessarily going to solve all of these problems and was aware that I would need to be able to cope again if they didn't. I would be wary of putting so much store in the idea of transition that you may be disappointed because I imagine that to be dangerous territory post-transition.
I have thought about this a lot since starting transition several years ago. I can honestly say I had no idea what it felt like and my therapist always told me, "It feels like you feel RIGHT NOW...cause guess what, Love!"
This past six months, something has definitely shifted. I still see the same person I have always been, but others are seeing me for who I really am and that is what she has been referring to. I wear a masculine uniform for work, wear little makeup due to my work and yet people still interact with me as I truly am, a woman...which can be a little frustrating. It is sometimes not a positive to be a woman who is more mechanically inclined than the men who need to have things serviced in their homes. Other women are a very different story and I am congratulated for being one of the few women in field service. We often have conversations about how I was able to break through a perceived barrier to be one of three women conducting field work.
This is the part that has been tough for me. Persistent thought that women are limited in ability and we need to break in to everything. I often hear the question asked in support groups, "what is something you found since transitioning that you did not figure on as you started?" This perception that we are somehow lacking expertise and constant fight for respect that we women are forced to endure in so many facets of our lives!
I have found my womanhood is not so much based in appearance, but in my energy. I have grown in to a confidence that I am first a woman, and that carries more weight than I could have ever imagined. I have friends that are lightyears beyond me in terms of surgeries and makeup skills that will still get misgendered when my "plain Jane" looks get me by just fine. The cool part is, anyone can be working on this aspect of transitioning without any expense above time spent working on it.
In the end, not a single human can definitively state they know what it is to truly be this gender or that gender. These constructs are ours and learning to live within the confines of one, male or female, is just a matter of practice really. I can say I feel like a woman because I am one...so this is my feeling. Each of us has this and the phrase "namaste" comes to mind...I see the light in you and I share my light with you to see within me. I see the woman in you and I share my womanhood for you to see within me.
I have to say I feel female. That being said I have no idea what female feels like. I know what male felt like and I don't feel that anymore so I guess what I feel now is female. What a cisfemale feels like I will never know and that doesn't bother me because what I feel is me.
Quote from: LucyEgo on June 16, 2018, 08:41:23 AM
My only concern with GenderGP, is that the counselor was talking to agree to a block of ten and that I'm now to pay her directly and not Gender GP? Is that normal?
I found my therapist through GenderGP. I do also deal with her directly but she hasn't ever tried to lock me in to some sort of package. I mean, I have done more than 10 sessions but how can you possibly know how many sessions you'll need in advance or whether you'll have the confidence in that therapist to fully open up as you delve deeper in to things? At the beginning we explored lots of things on a weekly basis, now I only speak to her as and when an issue comes along
I'd probably just tell your therapist you want to pay as you go if that's what you'd prefer
I put my skirt on again yesterday and felt great. Then I looked in the mirror. Huge disappointed.
All of you ladies look great. So jealous.
So here's a question for you MTF's
Just when you first started out, how did you perceive yourself in the mirror? Did you see yourself as a woman in mans clothing? Or a man in mans clothing? When you started to wear womens clothes, did you still see yourself as a man in womans clothes? Or a woman in womans clothes? If the former, how long did it take you to adjust?
Is this an element of your thinking that needed to change and catch up with you?
I kind of think for myself, I need to recognise myself as a woman in mans clothing, otherwise surely, all Im doing is reprogramming myself? Trying to twist my perceptions? A fraud?
I wear a skirt and stand in front of the mirror, and I see my big hairy belly, the big hairy legs, huge feet... But I dressed in my male clothes this morning, and what I saw wasn't 100% male.
Lucy
Its a process that takes time. Losing weight, and hair removal doesn't happen overnight. HRT makes changes slowly. That being said the physical changes happened faster than I was mentally ready to process so I wouldn't wish for results too soon.
Hello again Lucy
1. My answer to the title of the thread is that it is an internal or spiritual or perhaps innate feeling. It is something I have always known. It is how I have always felt on the inside.
2. No I have never been "locked into" sessions at or via GenderGP but you may wish to check all the other "GenderGP" threads here on Transgender Talk Board.
3. Latest questions: I have always seen myself internally as a woman irrespective of clothes but I was always disappointed by my male appearance in the mirror as it is external. I feel better in womens' clothes and the disappointment externally is less but still there. I still see myself as a man externally in womens' clothes but I am boosted externally more when I witness some minor HRT changes.
Hope this helps.
Your last six words prove to me you are on the right road.
Hugs
Pamela
Quote from: LucyEgo on June 18, 2018, 02:00:11 AM
Just when you first started out, how did you perceive yourself in the mirror? Did you see yourself as a woman in mans clothing? Or a man in mans clothing? When you started to wear womens clothes, did you still see yourself as a man in womans clothes? Or a woman in womans clothes? If the former, how long did it take you to adjust?
Not everyone experiences gender as a feeling. As I have said earlier in this thread, I never "felt like" either a man or a woman. I have always just felt like me. In the past, I thought of myself as a man, but it turns out I was wrong. Now I think of myself as a woman, and I know I am right.
So, in my early cross-dressing days, I thought I was a man in woman's clothing. The fact that I was comfortable in those clothes, and that I liked myself better when so dressed served as evidence, a couple of decades later, to show my brain the truth.
I didn't have to "convince" myself. It just took (too many) years of accumulated evidence. Eventually, even to my stubborn-ness, the evidence was overwhelming, and I could deny the truth no longer.
Internal identity is most important, but I think that how others perceive you and how you perceive yourself, i.e., your external physical appearance, is also important. It validates your internal self-concept as male or female. The difference between how we feel internally and how we appear externally is a major cause of gender dysphoria. If you feel like a woman, but are seen by others as a man, it's not unusual to question your own gender identity, and experience gender dysphoria.
I think that the motivation to cross-dress stems from a need to resolve this internal-external dichotomy. It's an attempt to bring your external appearance into alignment with your internal self-image, if only temporarily. If your subconscious self-image is strongly female, as it is for transsexual women, medical transition is the only way to permanently resolve this incongruence to eliminate gender dysphoria.
As transition progresses, as others perceive you as a woman, as you see your own feminine reflection, it validates your internal gender/sexual identity. The way you feel becomes the way a woman feels.
I think this is why cisgender people have trouble understanding the transgender condition. Their external appearance, and the way they are perceived by others is consistent with their subconscious sexual identity. They don't question whether they feel the way women are supposed to feel, even if they have interests and exhibit behaviors that are not typical of their sex. Cisgender people do not distinguish between their gender identity and their sex the way trans people do. We struggle with that difference, and coming to grips with it is how we find some measure of mental peace.
Quote from: LucyEgo on June 18, 2018, 02:00:11 AM
I put my skirt on again yesterday and felt great. Then I looked in the mirror. Huge disappointed.
All of you ladies look great. So jealous.
So here's a question for you MTF's
Just when you first started out, how did you perceive yourself in the mirror?
...
Lucy
To be fair Lucy, where I started was every bit of 20 years ago and I dressed for sex because that's what made me feel good about my body. I only wore outer femme clothing in kink venues where it was always accepted and when I transitioned I expected to mostly dress in relatively male gear. I think all those years of dressing privately helped me know what I would look like and certainly HRT has softened my features but anyway I've had plenty of time to set expectations.
What I found was as soon as I was fully healed post-op and had the energy to think about anything beyond surviving day to day, I wanted to wear skirts and have done pretty much every day since. The formerly present <shenis> made me hella uncomfortable whenever dressed femme and I'd found tucking more dysphoric than just presenting male.
I still don't love the mirror but I like it a lot better than I did before transitionbecause when I wear femme stuff the line isn't disturbed.
I recently was able to find a cotton skirt that's safe to wear for blowing glass (made of cotton so it won't melt to skin if I run into something hot and has enough freedom of movement ... which is surprisingly hard to find in cotton).
So two things, being female is how you feel, not how you look and give yourself time to work out a whatever look you like best.
Quote from: krobinson103 on June 18, 2018, 03:12:01 AM
Its a process that takes time. Losing weight, and hair removal doesn't happen overnight. HRT makes changes slowly. That being said the physical changes happened faster than I was mentally ready to process so I wouldn't wish for results too soon.
I have also found this. While not problematic, physical changes have forced me to make mental changes and vice-versa. The shift in my thinking was not something I had previously considered. Whereas I once conditioned myself to think I was a man sometimes dressing as a woman... and all the associated mental angst which that brings, now I don't exactly see myself as a woman, as I still possess genetically male attributes, rather, I am somewhere along a continuum. It is this invisible, but nonetheless very really line which constantly drives my thinking. I still feel like me, but the 'me' to which I refer is distinctly different.
For example, I love my emergent breasts... but, I notice people at work looking at me. The mental consequence is myriad. Am I being overly self-conscious? Of course. But how can I not? The real question becomes; at what point do I react? Then however, comes the question of whether to react at all. Consideration of response, leads to more questions and deeper thought about what sort of reaction is appropriate? Which leads to questions about future. I like how I look in stylish lingerie, but is that enough? It is now, but then a year ago I would never have considered removal of testes. Now I think, why not? Not because I have any dysphoria regarding them, but because they slow my journey somewhat.
Twelve months ago, had I been asked, I would've considered I needed nothing more than acceptance of who I am. The desire for acceptance has not changed. What has changed, is I no longer have the constant, almost physical need for self-acceptance. HRT, while simple physically, has a definite and complex impact on individual psyche. I always said that my objective was to match the eyes that look out, to match those that look back when I look in a mirror. It is happening, but the associated cognitive changes require deep consideration. Physical changes raise questions to which, not only do I not have the answers, but at this point, I don't even know the questions!
My advice if anyone asks would be to hasten slowly. Transitioning physically is relatively easy. The mental challenges associated with transitioning at an older age are enormously difficult; at least they have been for me, but I would not change a single thing...
I've always simply felt like me. Once I changed my gender presentation, I felt more at home socially, more relaxed, more connected to the people and world around me. Is that feeling like a woman? I think in my case it is.
I spent a life time as male. I spent all of two months trying to walk the line between the two and now im all female. The day I truly arrived was the day I got my first wig. I wore it home and sat with my wife in the dining room, looked in the mirror and did not recognize who was looking back. It was Donna and she has been here ever since. Even with out hair I don't see him anymore. Physical changes can be slow or fast and it does mess with your mind. My first peer support group meeting made me feel so out of place and hesitant to say anything. Listening to stories of how slow the changes have been for others can make you self conscious if your doing it at a different rate and time. Don't let that get to you, your body will do as it pleases
Quote from: Donna on June 23, 2018, 04:59:17 PM
I spent a life time as male. I spent all of two months trying to walk the line between the two and now im all female. The day I truly arrived was the day I got my first wig. I wore it home and sat with my wife in the dining room, looked in the mirror and did not recognize who was looking back. It was Donna and she has been here ever since. Even with out hair I don't see him anymore. Physical changes can be slow or fast and it does mess with your mind. My first peer support group meeting made me feel so out of place and hesitant to say anything. Listening to stories of how slow the changes have been for others can make you self conscious if your doing it at a different rate and time. Don't let that get to you, your body will do as it pleases
My body decided it didn't want to wait. Stuff changed very fast. I read stories of people on HRT for years with limited results so I guess its just luck and DNA.
What does it feel like to be a woman? I asked my wife. She said once a month for three or four days it feels so bad that you will do anything for chocolate and a back massage. She laughs at me for being constantly hungry, needing naps and having trouble getting up in the morning.
Seriously, I took a purely empirical approach to transitioning because I had a lot to lose from walking away from male privilege.
I know for sure that I am not a man and never was because going on HRT cured most of my medical problems and coming out of the closet fixed all the rest. I am happy with who I am and how I am living life and wise enough not to question happiness.
Hugs, Carly
Far more emotional! The difference is insane. You get used to it though. Hopefully.
Reminds me of a conversation in our gender clinic:
Doctor (Woman): How do you you know you are a woman?
Me: How do you?
Doctor: I´m not here saying that I´m a woman, you are.
Me: So, you don´t even know the answer to your own question...but I should know the answer?
Doctor: Yes
Me:......
I don´t think there is a straight answer, or at least an answer like that ***** doctor was looking.
Gender is so many things, social, biological, identity, appearance etc etc etc. All that makes gender and all that is what makes you feel woman, or just one part of it.
I know for me, the social construction was and is the most important. I never felt that I belonged to male group. In every party etc, I graved to be with the women, to talk things with them.
Now, that I´ve transitioned, everything socially feels in place and I actually finally enjoy to going out, to parties etc.
I'm actually less social as a woman. To each's own though. I can't be bothered by anyone anymore like I used to. I prefer my isolation and introverted inspection of reality. Even my best friend I only talk to once a month, if even that. We used to talk daily. She still loves me though, and checks up on me all the time. I'm just "not feeling" chit chatty anymore. Not a bad thing though. I prefer things this way. I keep to myself. Everyone else can keep to themselves. My social circle has dwindled down to darn near nothing, but at least I have 2 girl friends whom always find a way to put a smile on my face. (: That's all I need. Whenever I wanna reach out, they're there. There's a comfort in knowing.
QuoteI have to say I've never felt 'male' or 'female' I've felt like me.
Me too. However, while I was raised and generally acted male, I've long known I was different. Even back in kindergarten, I was noticing things like seamed stockings and wondering about the "line" down the back of the leg. In grade 1, I told my mother that my new teacher wore stockings that didn't have lines, back when most stockings had seams. I had an interest in wearing female clothes and hated wearing a jock strap when required for gym. I "borrowed" my sister's tights and later stockings, starting when I was about 10 or 11. I browsed through the lingerie section of department store catalogs, wondering what it would be like to wear those things. However, I wasn't into dolls or playing with girls. I've long been wearing pantyhose or stockings daily and more recently, nail polish and then bra. I had my ears pierced 26 years ago. I was into full cross dressing back then too. So, all in all, I've been doing a lot of things that lean to the feminine side and have often thought about surgery, be it just castration or full GRS or something in between. I'd also love to take hormones for breast growth, but hesitate, due to the obvious changes that would result.
So do I feel male? Female? Or...?
I most certainly don't wish to remain a masculine male.
Quote from: AnneK on June 24, 2018, 03:32:35 PM
Me too. However, while I was raised and generally acted male, I've long known I was different. Even back in kindergarten, I was noticing things like seamed stockings and wondering about the "line" down the back of the leg. In grade 1, I told my mother that my new teacher wore stockings that didn't have lines, back when most stockings had seams. I had an interest in wearing female clothes and hated wearing a jock strap when required for gym. I "borrowed" my sister's tights and later stockings, starting when I was about 10 or 11. I browsed through the lingerie section of department store catalogs, wondering what it would be like to wear those things. However, I wasn't into dolls or playing with girls. I've long been wearing pantyhose or stockings daily and more recently, nail polish and then bra. I had my ears pierced 26 years ago. I was into full cross dressing back then too. So, all in all, I've been doing a lot of things that lean to the feminine side and have often thought about surgery, be it just castration or full GRS or something in between. I'd also love to take hormones for breast growth, but hesitate, due to the obvious changes that would result.
So do I feel male? Female? Or...?
I most certainly don't wish to remain a masculine male.
Dear Anne, not certain what you are waiting for. Tempus fugit etc. and we all run out of it too early. Go and speak with someone who will help you crystallise your feelings. Personally my head always wanted to be female but the fear of rejection ridicule and violence stopped me from pursuing this for the last 40+years. I just hope I have enough time left to get to were my soul is waiting for me.
Whatever your choice, be happy with yourself, after all that's who matters. If we cant be happy or care about our self, how can we pass that onto others properly?
I waffling again so Ill stop there.
Good Luck Anne (and everyone else)
Huge Hugz
Katie
:angel: :angel: :angel: :angel: :angel: :angel: :angel: :angel: :angel:
Quote from: AnneK on June 24, 2018, 03:32:35 PM
Me too. However, while I was raised and generally acted male, I've long known I was different. Even back in kindergarten, I was noticing things like seamed stockings and wondering about the "line" down the back of the leg. In grade 1, I told my mother that my new teacher wore stockings that didn't have lines, back when most stockings had seams. I had an interest in wearing female clothes and hated wearing a jock strap when required for gym. I "borrowed" my sister's tights and later stockings, starting when I was about 10 or 11. I browsed through the lingerie section of department store catalogs, wondering what it would be like to wear those things. However, I wasn't into dolls or playing with girls.
Quote from: Katie Again on June 25, 2018, 03:36:25 PM
Personally my head always wanted to be female but the fear of rejection ridicule and violence stopped me from pursuing this for the last 40+years. I just hope I have enough time left to get to were my soul is waiting for me.
Huge Hugz
Katie
Anne
I also "started" very early also telling my mother and grandmother I wished to be a girl aged 4 and 6 and first tried a dress at 9. I liked playing with girls in a Wendy House ( I believe in US you may call it a Play House) and one specific item I can recall is that aged 5 I wished to button my coat the girls' way.
I wish you every success
Katie
Your story is so similar to mine; I buried and reburied and suppressed for so long till I was unable to as GD became so dominant and finally took action last year at 62. Of course it has only been possible the last few years here in UK to get HRT without public transition beforehand. Thank God we now can get it. Like you I started private treatment with GenderGP and now have Shared Agreement with my NHSGP.
I wish you every happiness
Hugs to you both
Pamela