Well, it's five years since I was last on here... all those years have gone by disturbingly fast. This current summer is defo as good as the ones a few years' back though! Anyway, I got so far with the NHS but it didn't work out. I panicked about transitioning and being alone and therefore went cold-turkey on dressing up, seeking further assessment and treatment privately and posting on here. It was a bit like purging a load of clothes in self-denial/disgust/panic. Not healthy. And ultimately a pointless exercise.
I thought I'd post to share some things I've learnt, life lessons and stuff that might be useful to people in a similar position or generally. I'm over 30 now so I'm officially old, irrelevant, spent and busted enough to give advice-y posts haha. Well this isn't advice really, and I'm still clueless, but these are just a couple things I've realised. ???
Back in 2013 I was on the approach to landing at transition airport, but by 2015 even after a year of NHS GIC meetings they and myself couldn't work out whether I should go through with a transition or not because I was too much of a blend of male and female, just too non-binary basically. So after all that build up and after it taking three years to get to a GIC appointment stage, it didn't go anywhere. What I've learned in five years is this:
1. The NHS is amazing. Enjoy it while it lasts because it won't survive the next ten years. No matter how irritating and archaic the process is, at least state-funded gender care exists in the UK. I used to post on here about how annoyed I was with the NHS and how much I was fed up with the waiting times and the very specific things they asked me to do to "prove" I was being serious. But after looking deeply into what's going to happen with NHS and how so many services will disappear (especially the unprofitable ones) I think the service needs all the support and love it can get.
I still dislike and distrust the idea of having to change your gender marker and adopt a new name before any hormones can be administered, and there's loads of very binary, very restrictive practices applied. Had the NHS not required me to out myself before even a single hormone dose I most likely would have given transition a go. But hey, at least these services exist, and they help hundreds of trans folk to transition every year, mostly successfully, so this should be celebrated even if the service doesn't quite work for you if you're non-binary.
2. It really is true that the best time to transition is now. Don't get stuck on the past, especially with how you look. There's a song lyric by Genesis that says "That's the last time you'll look like today". It's a bit of a hard pill to swallow, but when you're over 20 you'll always look worse with every year, i wish I'd known/accepted this five years ago. One of the things that held me back a few years ago was because my hair had receded a lot at the front and I felt bulky. I somehow thought that I'd magically change for the better. What's happened instead is that I've filled out like a typical man-sausage sandwich (I had a very androgynous shape back in 2013) and I've almost gone totally bald all over now, so what were relatively minor physical concerns have escalated into proper ones which would now cost big bucks to fix and will also impact massively on passing. I am now in proper Buffalo Bill mode. I don't look anything like my current Avatar anymore. Changes were fast and brutal. And what's happened in the past couple of years will be nothing but a Sunday fair compared to what'll happen when I smash into middle age in the next five years. I know transition is not a race and you have to take your time but it's also wise to remember that your body won't wait for you to make the right decision, time and age will carry on regardless and it'll rob of you of the things you love about yourself one by one until you find yourself lost in a vessel that you've completely lost control of.
God knows how people with severe disabilities just get on with things. Hats off to them. I'm always in awe of people who really have been handed a plate full of crap in life and still get on with it.
3. Put yourself first and don't think that relationships will fill the hole of your own gender identity issue. Relationships (I've found) are often the worst thing to affect being trans. Some of the most critical, manipulative and damning people you'll ever meet are the ones who you'll say "I love you" to. Relationships thrive on inertia and both people staying the same, so if one person starts to change or grow, the other will feel upset and unrest will follow. It's sad but that's how it goes. That said, I'm currently dating someone who for the first time in my life doesn't treat my femininity and gender stuff as some idiocy that men should really grow out of. She's genuinely appreciative and supportive of me and the way I am (as I am of her). The only spanner in the works is that she's straight, so you can see where that's going if I were to transition. (Even if I don't transition, I'm on Finasteride for my hair and this drug messes up the male endocrine system anyway, so there's always going to be that awkward moment when I no longer have the body she wants, regardless). So ultimately that does take me back to my original point that being trans is kind of corrosive to relationships, but that shouldn't be seen as a problem. Don't fall for anyone too deeply, I guess, or you'll go under.
That's it really, I don't have much wisdom, just these thoughts on it. It's really great to see the forum still here and I have missed chatting with those who messaged me and generally feeling like they'd be a positive end to my journey. I now realise that there's probably no solution, epiphany or and it'll just be an endless war of doubt over whether I'm trans enough to do anything about it until I'm too old and infirm to do anything about it anyway.
I should really stop watching Adam Curtis documentaries, :-p They make you more inquisitive about the world around you but also make you feel very fatalistic about everything. I can't say that it doesn't all make sense though.
Anyway, thanks for reading. :)
Edit by moderator
Welcome back Stella! I hope you find happiness and peace with which ever way you need to live.
Hugs, Jessica
Hi there Jessica,
thanks for the hello and welcome back :) I was feeling a bit low when I posted that yesterday, so if it seems a bit woe-is-me, then that's why. Things do seem disheartening though. It's more difficult if you don't have a direction, as that's something to focus on. As I don't have a direction I just waddle around noticing all the developments I don't like which are becoming magnified but not really being able to have a game plan to fight, but at the same time not really feeling at peace with just leaving nature to run its course. i've had some wonderful advice on this forum and with some people I've met in person, but ultimately i just can't seem to make my identity work.
I'm sorry, and hope you find what makes you happy
anastasia x
Hi Stella, Kirsten here. Your post bought forward feelings of frustration and anxiety for me. I really feel for the situation you described. May be a silly question but is there an informed consent route for HRT? I went this way in Australia to keep mind and soul together while I to and froed over transition.
Kind regards, Kirsten.
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Hello Stella
Like you I have great admiration for our NHS as a whole.
However as you know, it simply is and sadly will remain inadequately funded for transgender care. I also consider it ridiculous you have to live full time before being allowed HRT and that you have to "prove yourself".
As Kirsten suggests, you may consider going privately under "Informed Consent" if you wish.
I chose this route under GenderGP as have many other UK members of Susans' - and there are several GenderGP threads here on Transgender Talk Board - and I am very happy with their all round service including therapy and HRT.
I wish you every success for the future.
Hugs
Pamela