Hi, I am new here. I am a mother of a preteen child that is a boy but dresses like a girl (makeup and all). Being that I am single and don't have a strong social network of people, I looked online to try to find a place to educate myself and find support for myself, on this topic. So here I am!
At first I was pretty tense with my son going out looking like a girl (like to school where others know he is boy), and kept waiting for something bad to happen. It started slowly. He grew his hair first. He talked to me about his feelings about this. I started some basic research. In time his hair was longer and he went to school with feminine hair styles that I did up for him. Than it was clothes. Later on came the idea of makeup and nail polish, a dress, etc. So over the course of a year, here we are... my son looks like a girl most days. I was very tense unsure how to handle it when he went out.
Someone told me that rather than waiting anxiously, that I could run interference for him, to mention the elephant in the room, and talk about what everyone is seeing rather than trying to act like everything is normal while really holding my breathe that nobody rejects him for this, feeling anxious and just isolating myself. So I did and this has changed so much for me. Now I will see someone trying not to glance at my son and I will laugh and say "yes he is wearing a dress" (and at this point my son usually strikes a pose), we laugh and the other person seems at ease. I am surprised at how well people are responding (now that I am talking to them about it, like I am giving air around the situation that others seem unsure how to respond to). The fact I can bring it up, actually puts people at ease to talk to me about it and I am finding people are surprisingly supportive, so far anyway. I assume at some point some negative responses will be apparent from others but for now I am very surprised at how few people really care, in fact most think of him in positive terms such as "brave" "or "good for him being himself even with the knowledge that others may respond badly", or "wow that is so cool that he cares so little what others think of him, I wish I was more like that" etc.
I don't know where this is going and I guess time will tell. I think my greatest worry at this point is that, in my going with the flow, that I am too supportive and will "make him into" a transgender person and than maybe he becomes a female and than changes his mind and wants to go back to being a boy, and that is my fault somehow that I confused his life. I am confused if he could be transgender because he doesn't seem distressed at his body now, and he has started puberty. However he says he wants to be a girl (so much so that he is willing to face rejection to dress how he wants). He is young so I guess it is one day at a time and I will see where this goes. I guess I have some learning to do, and some reading to do around this site. But for now that is abit about me, so HI. I am looking forward to reading around this site and learning from you and hearing your stories.
Hi, WallieWorld!
Welcome to Susan's.
It is great that you are supporting your child. Have you consulted with a professional gender therapist? Since your child is starting puberty, it is really important to assess their needs, so that if they are indeed transgender (from your description, there is a good chance that they are), they can be started on hormone blockers to delay the effects of puberty until they are old enough to make an informed decision about their future.
There is nothing that you could do to "make" your child transgender, just as there is nothing you could do to prevent it. Transgender people are born this way.
If your child considers themself to be a girl, it would be appropriate for you to refer to them as your daughter rather than son, and to use feminine pronouns (she/her). I have used gender-neutral pronouns (they/them) to try to respect for both your usage and your child's preference.
We have a section here for "significant others", where I am sure you will find lots of helpful information.
Here is some information that we like to share with new members:
Things that you should read
Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html) | Standard Terms & Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html) | Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.) |
Reputation rules (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,18960.0.html) | Cautionary Note (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,82221.0.html) | Photo, avatars, & signature images policy (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,59974.msg383866.html#msg383866) |
A great big thank you for being so supportive of your child. So often the type of feelings you describe are kept hidden; sure sounds like you have created an open, non-judgemental and affirming relationship with your kid.
Keep on doing what you are doing. Navigate around these forums, ask questions, read and re-read replies and suggestions and I have no doubt you will be the best support and advocate for your child, whatever the eventual outcome is.
Congratulations for finding Susan's, you will definitely find the support you seek here.
Perry
Hi Wallie :icon_wave:
Welcome to Susan's Place :) Glad to have you here, join on in the fun
Hugs
V M
Welcome WallieWorld.
I want to give you a huge rose for being so supportive of your child!
You can't make another person transgender. You are born transgender, then it takes more or less time for people to realize that they are.
Start calling your child daughter and her. She identifies as a girl. It hurts inside every time you are missgendered. She might not want to tell you this, but I know. We all know.
Big creds for wanting to educate yourself. Please ask any questions, big or small. This is the most supportive community I have found on internet. You will have serious and honest answers without trolls crashing your thread.
I think you have been a great parent because your daughter has early on told you she is a girl. Not everyone have that bond to their parents. You should give yourself a pat on the back for good work. :)
Tony
Thanks for the replies. I am going to try to use the pronouns he has asked me to use... they/their/them. So if I use them wrong please correct me as I am here to learn.
I am uncertain if they are really transgender (did I get that right?). Given their young age, I am not sure that they understand what that really entails. They don't seem to have any discomfort with being male.... they don't seem to have any distress at all with growing a mustache, for example. So to my brain that translates as a lack of gender dysphoria, and thus maybe gender neutral or something. They have said a few comments about feeling that they want to be a female but not having breasts may be hard, but nothing really that shows a discomfort or hate for their current body. I guess I am confused about this all. Don't they have to have some body dislike with who they are now to be transgender? If I would look into asking a professional about blockers do I go to a family doctor... that doesn't seem like a MD's area of knowledge.... I just don't know anything. But I have some time today and am going to read through this site.
Thanks for all the positive replies. I was abit nervous that I said something to offend, given my lack of education in this area.
Quote from: WallieWorld on July 09, 2018, 06:56:48 AM
I am uncertain if they are really transgender (did I get that right?).
YAY!! Yes, that is right! ;D
Quote
Don't they have to have some body dislike with who they are now to be transgender?
Not at all. Transgender just means that the sex they were assigned at birth is not the gender they identify as. Your daughter was assigned male at birth but identifies as a girl.
Different people have different degrees of dysphoria. For example, they may feel mostly social dysphoria, or body dysphoria, or their dysphoria may be about their presentation. For young children it is not uncommon for social dysphoria to be the strongest.
Your daughter may also be confused about their own desires versus their desire to please you or to conform to society's pressures. They may hold back on expressing their own desires to avoid freaking you out too much. This is why gettting them to a therapist is important.
Quote
If I would look into asking a professional about blockers do I go to a family doctor... that doesn't seem like a MD's area of knowledge.... I just don't know anything. But I have some time today and am going to read through this site.
What you are looking for is a psychologist who specializes in gender issues. If you have no other contacts, your MD should be able to help you find one.
My dysphoria became worse in my teens when my body started to develop in the wrong direction. Before that, I hardly had dysphoria. I was just me. I was a boy. Sometimes forced to be in girls cloths. But still socially a boy.
Make an appointment with a gender therapist. Your child will have the chance to talk to someone who is an expert in these things. And who also knows how to go forward. If they want changes, or maybe they are happy as they are now.
You should also read up on nonbinary. Nonbinary people often use gender neutral pronouns.
My son is genderfluid. He sometimes feels like a girl and sometimes like a boy. He is 17. He has not told me yet that he want a therapist or to change anything about his body or how we address him.
Tony
Maybe you could suggest to your son/daughter that they could join this website too!
It's very supportive and it's a lot easier to talk online about stuff than in person!
The 3 types of dysphoria is very helpful. I did not know that! I have been reading around this site and I am learning alot! Thanks for the input. Right now they say that they (still using the pronouns right ?) that they want to be a female but also that they want to be both. I think I may need to see about some sort of counselling or something to figure this out. I feel pressure because puberty has started.