Pretty easy question, how do I know? And at 49 is it really worth blowing up my life?
Easy question??? I think you have it exactly backwards if you are asking about whether you should transition or not. I can not think of a harder, more life changing question. Is it worth potentially "blowing up your life"? Again, no one can see into the future. If we could, then the question would be much easier.
Hi Maya
Welcome to Susans
How do you Know? I am guessing that your question is How do I know if I am Trans?
The fact that you are here is a good indication that you are questioning. Maybe we could start with what prompted you to ask in the first place. What makes you think you "could be" trans. That might help in answering your first question about wether or not you are. Lets assume that you are Trans the next question is "What would you like to do about it"
Is it worth blowing up your life?
Although that happens, it is not a forgone conclusion that your life will blow up. You are the best judge of how those around you will react but coming out as trans seems to elict its fair number of unexpected reactions. I would say that it is incrediblew difficult to predict how people will react, many here including myself have been surprised at the people I thought would have an issue and didn't, as opposed to the people I didn't think would have an issue and did. One thing I took awhile to realise is that we get one shot at this life and we are the ones who decide how we live it.
I hope that helps in some way, your search for answers, feel welcome to tell us a bit more about yourself and have a loook at the resources available. Our wiki in particular is of great value and full of great information.
Take care
Liz
Quote from: Maya2018 on July 11, 2018, 08:32:07 PM
Pretty easy question, how do I know? And at 49 is it really worth blowing up my life?
@Maya2018 Hello Maya2018, I am not trying to hijack your thread, but first things first... I see that you are brand new here so please also allow me to give you my Official Welcome.
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Be aware that there are a lot of members here that can identify with what you may be going through.
WELCOME you to Susan's Place. You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.
It is nice that you had signed up so you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other members.
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Welcome to Susan's Place. Let me ask you another easy questions. In 10,20 or 30 years will you regret all of the years you lived without transitioning? To make it simpler, do you regret the years you have lived without transitioning but knowing your transgender? It doesn't get any easer as time goes on and for many it becomes more difficult to resist the urge as they age.
Not everybody needs to transition but if your not happy with your life as it its, there is no time like the presence to do something about your life.
okay, so I like the post Dena made, because it highlights the main thing I regret in my rather short life of 17 years and 9 months. I wish I hade had the courage to come out many years ago instead of waiting until I was 17.....I took ten years, and while I am happy I took the time to make sure, I almost waited too long because when I came out, the depression was at a point where I couldn't handle hiding anymore. So seeing a specialist will help, and don't wait til its too late like I did. it can always get worse if you wait for too long and it starts to cause maijor dysphoria and depression like it did to me.
The question - is it worth to blowing up the life for transitioning. "specialists" and "doctors" may try to convince you that you're a trans, but listen to your feelings
"Your life as you know it can explode with naught but the slightest of nudges or the most gentle of breezes" -Lilly Garcia
yes, im quoting myself here because I just saw OofWillis' post on wether or not the transition is worth it or not, but as stated, it is only you that can make the choice. don't let anyones influence dictate who you are. in this case, to be that nudge or breeze is your choice, and yours alone, and should you chose to not be that, it will not make you any less you, because nobody gets to say who another is or isn't.
Love,
Lilly Garcia
Thank you all. I don't know that I am trans. I currently identify as a bi-male, who is married to a bi-female. We are coming up on 20 years. As we are together most people assume us a straight couple however. My sister is lesbian and has a wife. I have a daughter who identifies as gender fluid. So not the generic family.
I have always wanted to be pretty, more feminine, softer, etc. To get rid off all this hair and having breasts would be incredible. All my friends are women. I don't necessarily have an issue with my genitals; they treat me pretty well most of the time. I'm also not opposed to making major modifications in that area. I'm kinda eh on that part.
So, I just don't know. I'm also depressed for about 75% of my life, I never know what the problem is, and in the past have tried to make it go away with drugs or sex or alcohol. ATM it is food. Which makes feel even less pretty.
I make very good money in a career that I have worked hard on for 25 years. I also have people in my life whom I love and support with that career. How many people who, having been hired as a 6 ft tall, 300 lb, man into management in an old school company have had their careers survive after transitioning? I just don't see that happening. College tuition is coming up, we need, need, need the insurance, mortgages and student loans, etc.
Perhaps being so fat is effecting my self esteem. I have gastric bypass scheduled for soon. When I was thin and young and good looking, though, I was still depressed.
I don't know. I love my wife and she insists she will be there with me, but I also know that if I were her I would be pissed. Being trans this late in the game seems selfish, mostly because people depend on me. I don't know what to do here. Having stories from others who were in the same boat would be helpful.
Quote from: Maya2018 on July 11, 2018, 08:32:07 PM
Pretty easy question, how do I know? And at 49 is it really worth blowing up my life?
How do you know you are trans? You talk to a gender therapist. You tell them the reasons why you are asking the question in the first place, and then discuss them. Cis people typically don't question their gender, so the fact that you are even asking suggests that the answer is probably yes.
Is it worth blowing up your life? I like Dena's answer the best:
Quote from: Dena on July 11, 2018, 10:44:20 PMIn 10,20 or 30 years will you regret all of the years you lived without transitioning?
That was the kicker for me. I was 61, looking ahead 20 years to being in my 80s. How would I feel, knowing what I suspected about myself, if I didn't transition? Knowing that I was firmly on the road to serious depression if I didn't change course? I knew that I wouldn't be able to handle looking back from my 80s at 20 wasted years piled on top of 60 years of questioning.
So, I had no choice but to move ahead. Yes, my life might blow up, but it might not. Best case: nothing blows up, and it's happily ever after. Worst case: stuff blows up, but I get to be myself. When I put it like that, it was a no-brainer to me.
Hello Maya
Clearly you have had these thoughts for a very long time possibly all your life
I have a similar history to Kathy and I therefore completely agree with her comment.
Please be aware that these thoughts never go away; they may be temporarily buried or suppressed but usually come back with greater ferocity as you get older. I had to finally deal with this issue last year aged 62.
I wish you well whatever route you take but advise you have nothing to lose by seeing a gender therapist.
Hugs
Pamela
The transition isn't a one size fits all deal so you can do as little or as much as you want. It's also not a complete commitment and if you decide your making a mistake, you can stop or return to where you were before. Your words suggest the non binary. With the non binary you do what makes you comfortable and don't do what makes you uncomfortable. Somebody may take hormones, have facial hair removed and maybe present as the other gender but may decide against surgery. This is a valid transgender state and we have members who feel this way.
It's also possible once you do some of the things you want that you will change your mind and decide to go farther. This is a process of self-discovery and the only way to learn the answer is to test what make you comfortable. It not the same for everybody so don't do what others have done unless it feels right for you.
Hi Maya,
For me it took a great deal of exploration online and here in the forums. That led me to gender therapy, which has helped and is still helping me accept me for who I am. All of this has made me think back to my earliest childhood memories and trace my life to today, looking back at all of those feelings, interests, and secret desires concerning my gender. When I put them all together I see that I'm obviously transgender. I don't suffer from intense dysphoria, but that doesn't mean I don't have it either; I just didn't know what I was feeling or why I felt the way I did.
I haven't started transitioning yet, but I've decided that I'm definitely doing it as soon as absolutely possible (financially speaking as well as my personal readiness). While I still look like "a dude in a dress," I know that my inner gender is female and I'm ok with it. I wish you the very best on your journey!!!
Hugs!
Danielle
What I have found is that my heart has answers that my brain has trouble accepting. Listen to both, but give your heart equal time.
Just a follow up to let the kind people here know what's happening. Therapist today, lots of crying, and I'm finally able to admit I'm in the wrong sex. The brain/body disconnect is just too much to live with. Came home and told my wife. She was 100% supportive. Will see where the journey takes us once this all sinks in.
Quote from: Maya2018 on July 20, 2018, 12:06:15 AM
Just a follow up to let the kind people here know what's happening. Therapist today, lots of crying, and I'm finally able to admit I'm in the wrong sex. The brain/body disconnect is just too much to live with. Came home and told my wife. She was 100% supportive. Will see where the journey takes us once this all sinks in.
Sounds like a great place to start....Thanks for letting us know how you went...that is great that your wife is onboard with you on this journey. Having a supportive spouse makes life a lot better. Please let us know how you go.
Take care
Liz
Congratulations Maya on three fronts:
You have seen a therapist; you have accepted yourself as trans; your wife is fully supportive.
This must be a great burden lifted.
I wish you every success for the future.
Hugs
Pamela
Hi Maya! I just wanted to let you know people tend to be far more accepting than you think, I came fully out at work in March after 18 months on hormones. I am a criminal defense attorney. If you think coming out to "old boy management" is tough, try walking into a courthouse holding cell in a mini skirt and heels.
I was known for taking insane risks in trials before transition, but walking through a criminal courthouse fully femmed up, that's an adrenaline rush.
I have not lost any friends or clients, and business actually seems to be improving. Yes I get misgendered occasionally by people who knew me from before, but nothing is perfect.
This is one situation where becoming a better version of yourself outweighs the potential downside.
Hugs, Carly
A longish update:
Putting together a transition plan which,
First necessitates a need to lose a lot of weight (Currently at 282 lbs, where I should be at 160). The weight is affecting my health and has to be first priority. I am scheduled for Gastric Bypass in Feb. and we will have to see where that goes. Hopefully it will solve the hypertension, sleep apnea, and diabetes, which just started.
Second, I was never this heavy (or this hairy) until the doctors determined a few years back that my pituitary had stopped working. As a result my body makes no testosterone of its own, and they put me on inject-able testosterone. It is horrific and I dread it every week. Adding testosterone to my body is the worst thing I have ever done. I don't like the way it makes me feel, and even worse, it masculated features that had been perfectly androgynous for decades. How I have hair in sooo many places. What is that about? My shoulders are even wider than they were before, and I can smell the T in my sweat. Ugh. I know that I have to have one primary sex hormone to maintain things like heart muscle, but I come to tears every week when I have to do this. Since it will take a year plus to have the surgery and lose weight after, I have been thinking about stopping the injections until I can start on HRT. Its not that long of a time.
Third, I have to find a gender therapist and primary care physician somewhere in the middle of Arkansas to help me with my HRT eventually. I'd supes take a support group too. I have a therapist here, but she isn't a gender therapist and is doing the best she can (I brought her a copy of the WPATH standards of care). I just signed up Pride Counselling, which is long distance over the computer, so I don't know yet if that is anything.
Fourth, everyone says start on the facial hair as soon as possible. Do I just choose a random lazer/electrologist in the Little Rock are and hope they are trans friendly or drive to Dallas every 6 weeks and to E3000. I would rather someone local so we can do weekly sessions and also start to work on the body hair.
Fifth, the work thing. Yes, I am educated and highly regarded, and all those things that happen when you spend 25 years building a career. Am I about to flush my hard-earned career down the drain? I don't mind hanging out a shingle and doing consulting, but man that is a tough pill to swallow. 5 of my last 5 jobs contacted me to ask me to some work for them, including where I am at now running a medium sized software development team for a corporation. Its an old school company and my boss is old school too. All the platitudes about inclusiveness in official documents mean nothing if the legal framework of your state won't back you up and is actually hostile to your existence. Also, I have a wife and a mortgage and a kid who is soon college bound and looking at Iveys. I am gonna need the good job money more than ever.
Six, and lastly, maybe coincidentally, I was on Finasteride for a little over a week and it make me slow and stupid, so I had to stop. However, a short time later ONE of my boobs began to grow. My currently PCP said I had too much free T and my fat converted it to estrogen, so to reduce the T. Could it have been the Finasteride? Just a thought.
Thank you in advance for any feedback.
Quote from: CarlyMcx on July 20, 2018, 12:53:05 PM
Hi Maya! I just wanted to let you know people tend to be far more accepting than you think, I came fully out at work in March after 18 months on hormones. I am a criminal defense attorney. If you think coming out to "old boy management" is tough, try walking into a courthouse holding cell in a mini skirt and heels.
What state are you in. I am a licensed attorney and if everything goes south job-wise, doing solo is a solid backup plan.