Hey y'all,
Its been a hot minute since ive been on here but I need help from this amazing community.
So.
Not once, not even for a minute have I questioned or doubted any of the deciaions ive made about my transition. I'm a boy. 110%. I don't ever wanna live as a female again. But at the same time, something just doesnt feel right anymore.
For example. I'm currently watching Supergirl and theres a character that has just recently figured out she's gay (sorry if I'm spoiling it for anyone) and I cant help but feel...confused? Like, theres something in me that i guess missed being a girl dating girls and wants that kind of relationship. Or. I dont know. I have no idea how to really describe it...
But i guess what I'm looking for is... Has anyone else ever felt something similar? And if so, how did you deal with it? Cause right now my head is really messed up...
I haven't felt this but as someone who lived as a gay man before, I guess it's easy to miss something that you were familiar with and that was probably easier dating-wise.
It is outside of my personal experience so I might be way off track but what you wrote strikes a chord somewhere. I think that you may be turning from a boy into a man or, perhaps, you are already a man but feel that girls expect you to behave like a teenage boy or immature man.
My own experience of teenage boys is that with some exceptions, they tend to be more self-absorbed and unsympathetic than girls of the same age. Real men, though, are concerned with the happiness and pleasure of their partners. They tend to become more nurturing and suitable for parenthood. In a way, it is as though to transform from a boy into a man, a male must become more female. Certainly, a man is less of a slave to his hormones. People use the expression "embracing one's feminine side" although I think that it makes males more truly manly.
Perhaps you miss relating to girls in an empathetic way, and think back to how you felt when girl partners regarded you as a girl. However, if you can love a girl the way a girl can, I think that you could both be better for it, even though you and she both know that you are definitely a man.
Just a thought.
I don't know that I relate to this, but every time you take a direction in life, there is a trade off. Rarely does everything just fit where you have to give up nothing to gain what you really want or need. The trick is to make adjustments to live without the things you gave up. Don't know if this helps.
Moni
It might help to look up videos of people (ftm in your case is more relevant) who detransitioned.
There's nothing wrong with homoromantic desires. Sometimes we need to experience what the other side is like to understand ourselves and the people around us better.
I'm the opposite because living as a gay male was torture no matter how nice and attractive the other person was. I felt like I was trapped in a gender confused state and that there was no way I'd ever be in a serious relationship. It just seemed hopeless
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Thank you everyone for all your replies!
Honestly, everything that y'all said is resonating with me on some level.
The more that I think about it, the more I'm realizing that its being gay that I miss. There was a sense of community and familiarity that I always associated with it that I've never quite found again. Going from a girl that likes girls, to a boy that likes girls (and boys kinda I guess; its the person, not the gender.), is still so foreign to me. Im 22 and I started my transition when I was 14; but I miss the relationships I had with girls as a girl. I don't really know how else to describe it, but it feels like I'm just realizing who I am all over again. I've already done this twice (realizing I like girls and realizing I'm actually a boy), I don't want to do it again.....