I just wanted to share this with everyone before I lost it.
I usually never fall into REM sleep because I've only been averaging about an hour or maybe two asleep on night for an awfully long time.
But this dream was so vivid so colorful so powerful I actually woke up shaking after 7 hours of sleep.
In a nutshell it started off at a family gathering in a farmhouse similar to where I used to live but I had to run out of the house because everyone knew I was trans and really felt my first discrimination through this dream.
After running out of this house walking endlessly it seemed like to the first town and my phone was dead couldn't use GPS or anything and was completely lost. Then I entered a small town seeking help and everyone was against me and then formed up into kind of a Frankenstein mob as I ran out hiding in a cornfield with the mob approaching me I felt so completely alone and defenseless for the first time. But then I woke up with this mob almost upon me.
From what I've been reading here I know that my nightmare is reality for some members and I'm kind of glad I had it because it puts me in the shoes of those who have experienced this type of thing in real life. I don't see this as a precursor for my transition because I know it never would happen in my little Utopia up here where I live.
Still shaking love Tatiana
Tatiana,
Relax a bit Girl! It sounds like your anxiety showing through for changes to your life that you are considering. I wouldn't let it make you think anything bad about you or your thoughts on being trans. My dreams used to be of someone discovering my secret and oh the shame I felt. Good news is the dreams get better.
Moni
Thanks so much GF
for being here with your consideration and experience for me as you did for me I think it was my 20th post with your motivating reply that really made me feel better then and now. I would describe it as just shy of a panic attack which I am familiar with but I am coming down from it thanks so much.
love Tatiana
A bump on the road Hon, a bump on the road.
well spoken Moni
Thanks
Dear Tatiana
I have had many trans dreams over the years - some good and some unhappy similar to yours being mocked and ridiculed and running away but not so frightening as the one you describe.
As Moni says, relax and I wish you sweet dreams tonight.
Also I'm glad you are generally sleeping better.
Love Pamela
Thanks Pamela
Telling me your experience with your dreams.
I actually was going to p.m. you but was still a little shaken up by this feeling of being hiding Motionless in the cornfield in the dark alone defenseless seeing the Frankenstein mob approaching with flashlights and torchs , which was a bit frightening but was reduced when I noticed my flat tire when I went to town with a 3/8 Bolt sticking in it made me stop thinking about it. and also remind everyone which is common sense, make sure your spares in good working order and you have the tools at hand and change it.
And thank you for noticing that my sleep has been improving and actually it is and something is definitely changing and it feels for the better, and the sleep is just the start.
THANKS GF.
love Tatiana
Quote from: Tatiana 79 on July 18, 2018, 07:06:46 AM
I just wanted to share this with everyone before I lost it.
I usually never fall into REM sleep because I've only been averaging about an hour or maybe two asleep on night for an awfully long time.
But this dream was so vivid so colorful so powerful I actually woke up shaking after 7 hours of sleep.
In a nutshell it started off at a family gathering in a farmhouse similar to where I used to live but I had to run out of the house because everyone knew I was trans and really felt my first discrimination through this dream.
After running out of this house walking endlessly it seemed like to the first town and my phone was dead couldn't use GPS or anything and was completely lost. Then I entered a small town seeking help and everyone was against me and then formed up into kind of a Frankenstein mob as I ran out hiding in a cornfield with the mob approaching me I felt so completely alone and defenseless for the first time. But then I woke up with this mob almost upon me.
From what I've been reading here I know that my nightmare is reality for some members and I'm kind of glad I had it because it puts me in the shoes of those who have experienced this type of thing in real life. I don't see this as a precursor for my transition because I know it never would happen in my little Utopia up here where I live.
Still shaking love Tatiana
@Tatiana 79 My Dear Tatiana:
I am so very glad that you are sharing these thoughts "before you lost it"
First, regarding not getting enough sleep, as you know from reading my threads that I am burning the candle at both ends... as usual, like I did this morning I was up and out of bed at about 5:00AM (no alarm clock needed)... got a shower and got myself fixed up, something packed for lunch and was at work at 6:15am ... and, as usual I will probably not leave work until after 7:30PM tonight... then I get home, get a late dinner ... and I am so keyed up from work and the day's events, I can't get to sleep until almost midnight or later... then when I do get to bed I am tossing and turning all night and I finally give up and get up very early again in the morning.
The other issue is that up where I live we have very long days this time of year... with only a few hours of "somewhat" darkness from about 11:30Pm till 2:30AM... so it is mentally difficult to get a good sleep even with a darkened room, etc.
So, I said all of that to let you know that I fully understand what a toll it is taking on you regarding only getting a few hours of sleep every night... it catches up with you and affects your entire day.
The way that you described your vivid dream would be frightening for sure... no wonder you woke up shaking... I think that might be a definition of a nightmare. My advice, don't venture into cornfields!!! ;)
The good news is that you got an incredible 7 hours or sleep before you woke up shaking....
Please take care of yourself and perhaps drink some appropriate tea before bedtime.
>Valerian tea. While
Chamomile is the most popular tea for sleep,
there is a more potent option...
Valerian tea.
Also some others are:
>Decaf green tea
>Lemon balm tea
>Passionflower tea
Personally, for me, I find that a warm cup of milk or hot chocolate with an Oreo Cookie or two helps me relax before bedtime.
Chocolate is my preferred sleep inducer. :)
Thank you
Tatiana for sharing with us and trusting us with your dream and your sleep issues. I really hope that you will be able to get a handle on getting better sleep at night, I know that I also need to work on that as well...
We can do that together perhaps.? ???
Please keep us updated and as always feel free to continue exchanging PMs with me as we have done so enjoyably in the past... I always enjoy seeing your name in my inbox.
Hugs and well wishes, as always,
Danielle
I also have sleep issues. I use a CPAP to be able to actually sleep. Normally I think I did NOT sleep well when I remember dreams. I am not sure what to recommend for you to get better sleep as I had to resort to medical help.
Sometimes when I dream they are humdingers. The recent one I sort of recall was one where the female me was out and about. I ended up politicking with my former boss -- who does not know I am trans. We got a group of state legislators and regaled them over lunch. He pushed something economic. I pushed the bill that has been buried in committee forever to add sexual orientation and gender identity to the state's anti-discrimination law. The nightmare part was how much financial payoff they wanted for their "help." A nightmare...
Yours sounds even more frightening. Hang in there, the memories of dreams do fade.
Erin
Not sure I can offer much on this subject other than what my best friend in college told me once about nightmares. She was a Psych major at the time and figured herself an expert... Ha Ha
"Dreams are about processing info from your day into long term memory. If you are too anxious or worried about things, that can manifest as a nightmare."
Soooo, (non-pro opinion incoming) I'd say maybe work with your therapist to try relieving your anxieties and maybe the dreams would get better. Or better yet, hopefully, this is a one off thing and you won't have any more issues with them. For your sake, I truly do hope this isn't a reoccurring thing for you sweetie. I have suffered from chronic nightmares my whole life and I know they can make even waking life a nightmare in turn. Not fun. :(
Take care tonight girl.
Thanks everyone for your support the emotion has faded but I'm sure the memories going to linger forever.
Wow Danielle, you definitely are the Energizer Bunny on steroids out here and I honestly have wondered how you could possibly do all this in your day with your full-time gig and now that I know you have sleep troubles, I must say I'm kind of worried about you not falling into the same pitfalls I did.
I never needed an alarm clock either it was bam up 4 a.m. everyday. But when I hit age 45 I really crashed and Burned hard.
But I don't believe this will happen to you because you really got yourself together but still are subject to your very demanding schedule. And take it easy girl and suck in that beautiful Alaskan scenery and you know how it is in a small town not quite the same sense of urgency like in a Big Town but take it easy there's plenty of time to smell the roses
And I know what you mean about the length of daylight I know you're farther north than me and more subject to Greater swings than I am but even where I'm at at 46 degrees latitude it's still plays havoc with me.
And thanks for your advice with your sleep suggestions but I'm really pretty hard core and am I on three different types of powerful sleep meds. but it's kind of funny because when I had my initial Buzz that led me to Susan's and the power of psychology I actually didn't need any after a week and was still getting 6 to 7 hours of continuous sleep a night which is something that I could never do. It's definitely a goal of mine to get all off of these because they're just merely treating the symptoms and not the root core
Gee Don't you think there's been something that's been naughing away at me that led to this. It's really quite obvious now that this was true because just barely starting HRT has already replicated this and has kind of unclouded my mind a little and have a calm sense of well-being. the cornfield bit really got me laughing don't worry dear there's none around for hundreds of miles it's just Forest by me.
Thanks Danielle you've truly Been instrumental to me and I greatly admire your story and caring for everyone.
And to Erin WDK
Thanks for your dreams story it sure was a Humdinger and I'm glad it was not the horror story I had and yes the memories are still there but the emotions from them have already faded. I'm glad you got relief through using CPAC a good friend of mine also I know needs this because he would wake up with zip energy and difficult sleeping and after he drilled me with a bunch of questions he assured me that I didn't need this type of Sleep Therapy because I really never woke up gasping for breath or had trouble breathing.
Thanks Erin Johnson
For your psychological assessment which I think is true for many but I think in my case being so new to this scene I didn't know this level of discrimination and horror stories even existed and I think it kinda hit me all at once with my first good REM sleep.
And actually I'm less anxious now than I was before and I don't think it will reoccur at least I hope not.
I really don't think this nightmare was formed from anxiety because I really feel a little calmer and clear-headed than I ever did but I'm sure I'll be talking about it with my sister the shrink to see what she has to say about it thanks for your advice.
love you all dearly Tatiana
Two days before I turned my life around I had a powerful dream that left me disturbed for two days after. It was vivid and I was helpless and it was lucid but I had no control. I woke up in absolute terror and was shaking for hours after. On reflection I think it was my fears pushing against what had to happen. Its just your mind doing some house keeping. Best thing is to let it go.
Thanks so much dear it sounds like we had almost the same reaction, no coffee for me this morning I was shaking enough for hours.
But thanks so much with your experienced assessment.
I just woke up this way this morning and all the emotions faded I'm still kind of working through it all.
just a mere obstacle to overcome
Love Tatiana
Sorry to hear about this fly in the ointment at Utopia. Well Tatiana, many of our hidden fears and secret worries known only to our sub-conscious minds are faced through dreams. However, in dealing with it in the dream-state, that worry will also have been released and let go of. From what you say of Utopia, there's little chance of a real pitch-fork mob coming against you, as the vast majority are on your side.
The ignorant mob mentality is as you paint it; straight out of a horror film, though political leaders play on whipping up people's fears to turn them against certain minority groups in society. Thankfully, folks in a small-town know each other well enough to not be sucked in by discrimination and you stated the dream didn't place where you live now, but from somewhere in the past. Your fears are best left there, as you have soooo moved on and are making great forward progress.
More power to you & yours ;-)
Thanks GF
It really was from a past environment I think it was like my Godfather's on the Michigan Ohio border where he at a large farm that he grew corn.
The subconscious mind or the mind in general is as complex as the cosmos so anything that can happen will, in it. Much thanks for your insight.
Keep on jamming girl as will l with my punk rock wife. I'm sure we could really smoke together although I know where on opposite sides of the pond but it sure would be fun. love Tatiana
I recently had a dream where I wrote a coming out letter to my mom but was too afraid to send it. Somehow she'd found it and read it, and the secret was out. After the dream I spent half the day nervous before I realized it was a dream. I'll come out eventually, but I'm not ready for that yet.
I sure wish all your dreams come true for you, Danielle K as you want.
All the best to you and your mom's relationship to be together on the same page, she sure would be a tremendous asset, but it is amazing how our mind creates these dreams and make them seem so vividly true. As other members have noted.
Mine was more like a horror story where I hope yours ends up like a fairytale come true.
all the best for this to happen to you love Tatiana
Quote from: Tatiana 79 on July 18, 2018, 06:28:29 PM
I sure wish all your dreams come true for you, Danielle K as you want.
All the best to you and your mom's relationship to be together on the same page, she sure would be a tremendous asset, but it is amazing how our mind creates these dreams and make them seem so vividly true. As other members have noted.
Mine was more like a horror story where I hope yours ends up like a fairytale come true.
all the best for this to happen to you love Tatiana
Thank you so much! The one thing that scares me most about my journey is coming out to people. I haven't come out to anyone yet, but I know it's inevitable. But when it does happen I want it to be on my terms. What scares me about my mom is she isn't very happy about my sister coming out transgender. I don't know how she'll react to find out that she has two trans daughters!
Hello Danielle Kristina
It is very difficult coming out to people for the first time but you have a big Advantage if you have a relationship with these people first. because you've probably already establish credibility with them , and people are really just people anywhere whether where you live or I live if they're friends with you they want the best for you especially if you're suffering this could take precedence over any trans thoughts or negativities they had especially if they see you getting better, know that this has been working for me and my tiny little village but I'm sure the principal can work anywhere.
By the way no bad dreams last night just my hundred and sixty five pound Alaskan Malamute jumping on me when he had to go out. lol
check out my Utopia thread in this forum but it's probably way back there but it does explain my tactics on this and you know what it's working. or just PM me anytime you want
love Tatiana
I sympathize with your lack of sleep. My whole career I woke at 4am drove two hours to work made it back home at 7:30om. Made dinner played with the kids for a half hour before putting them to bed. Then to wind down I didn't get to bed until 11:30. My wife was usually in bed by 9.
Hello Dawn
It sounds like our careers were quite similar getting up at the same time and back pretty close because I had to drive, the hundred thirty miles a day 6 days a week.
But the funny thing is I was able to do it then because I was sleeping okay, but sleep is so critical to our lives kind of like breathing but it just takes longer to feel the effects
I was just wondering if you're sleep improved or anyone else's has because I know mine is already getting better and I just started but it is the biggest priority in my life to try and cure right now
Thanks so much Dawn.
love you Tatiana
just a little update I woke up this morning feeling wonderful with energy to burn and had Vivid wonderfully good dreams instead of the horrific nightmare from the day before. Plus it seems like I'm thinking a little more clear and the cloud that's been inhibiting my head seems to be dissipating, and it's almost like I have a sense of well-being now with energy to burn I'm certain to become a lot more functional.
I sure hope this continues because I can't imagine how good it's going to be.
love you all Tatiana
Quote from: Tatiana 79 on July 19, 2018, 01:18:53 PM
Hello Dawn
It sounds like our careers were quite similar getting up at the same time and back pretty close because I had to drive, the hundred thirty miles a day 6 days a week.
But the funny thing is I was able to do it then because I was sleeping okay, but sleep is so critical to our lives kind of like breathing but it just takes longer to feel the effects
I was just wondering if you're sleep improved or anyone else's has because I know mine is already getting better and I just started but it is the biggest priority in my life to try and cure right now
Thanks so much Dawn.
love you Tatiana
@Tatiana 79 Dear Tatiana:It's interesting that you were wondering about others sleep habits improving lately.... your thread must be working!!!! I have had a wonderful, mostly uninterrupted sleep the last two nights.... as you know, a good sleep is not only refreshing but the next day the result is evident... able to think clearly, not be as irritable, not be as emotional, etc..... everything that you just reported about your good night's rest.
.... oh and
@DawnOday ... I trust that you are getting your good night's rest lately too!!!
All of us girls can always use additional "beauty sleep" .... never enough of that.
Quote from: Tatiana 79
just a little update I woke up this morning feeling wonderful with energy to burn and had Vivid wonderfully good dreams instead of the horrific nightmare from the day before. Plus it seems like I'm thinking a little more clear and the cloud that's been inhibiting my head seems to be dissipating, and it's almost like I have a sense of well-being now with energy to burn I'm certain to become a lot more functional.
I sure hope this continues because I can't imagine how good it's going to be.
love you all Tatiana
You truly are an inspiring person, as your first username here but you are in reality too my dear thanks so much for all your help and encouragement, I sure hope some of your attitudes contagious because I want a little. lol
Love Tatiana
Danielle
Congratulations on 2 good nights sleep.
Thank you for all your support to us all. You really are such a great motivator.
Tatiana
I am so happy you had good dreams last night and that you have so much energy due to restful sleeping.
I think that the HRT you recently started is showing the first effects: the gradual removal of the fog and the mind becoming clearer.
Hugs to you both
Pamela
Tatiana,
It is good to hear you are getting better sleep -- without awful dreams.
I just got a message from a friend saying a drunk driver took out the street light in front of her house last night at midnight. A full response to the incident kept her from sleep for two hours. That wasn't really a nightmare, but in other ways it was!
Here's wishing you more peaceful sleep.
Erin
Thanks everyone something is definitely happening for the positive so far it's like every molecule of my body has wanted this and slowly it's getting it.
It's kind of like the sky just looks bluer or clouds or prettier, Birds sound better and hope much improved for the future.
And I'm so happy for you Danielle,
I know that you're not worrying about sleep which is wonderful and I have found it in my life it was kind of a Tipping Point and definitely a big red flag. file-this back in your brain, o
inspiring one.
Perhaps it might be of some use in the future with all the members you help.
and Pamela thank you for being there for me GF
Know that your kind hearted demeanor and soft-spoken insightful words are well received
And Erin
Thank you so much for your well wishes for me with peaceful sleep it seems to be occurring.
When I was sleep deprived and had to drive to work and other things it could have been someone like me that smashed into the pole by your friend's house but I believe for me those days are over.
Thank you all for your encouragement it's really helping me with my confidence
love you all Tatiana
Quote from: Tatiana 79 on July 18, 2018, 07:06:46 AM
I just wanted to share this with everyone before I lost it.
I usually never fall into REM sleep because I've only been averaging about an hour or maybe two asleep on night for an awfully long time.
But this dream was so vivid so colorful so powerful I actually woke up shaking after 7 hours of sleep.
In a nutshell it started off at a family gathering in a farmhouse similar to where I used to live but I had to run out of the house because everyone knew I was trans and really felt my first discrimination through this dream.
After running out of this house walking endlessly it seemed like to the first town and my phone was dead couldn't use GPS or anything and was completely lost. Then I entered a small town seeking help and everyone was against me and then formed up into kind of a Frankenstein mob as I ran out hiding in a cornfield with the mob approaching me I felt so completely alone and defenseless for the first time. But then I woke up with this mob almost upon me.
From what I've been reading here I know that my nightmare is reality for some members and I'm kind of glad I had it because it puts me in the shoes of those who have experienced this type of thing in real life. I don't see this as a precursor for my transition because I know it never would happen in my little Utopia up here where I live.
Still shaking love Tatiana
Okay I'm going to offer a different take on this. Because sometimes dreams don't mean what we think they mean. And sometimes it's about how you interpret them after they happen. It's about what things mean to people, and the associations we draw from them.
QuoteIn a nutshell it started off at a family gathering in a farmhouse similar to where I used to live but I had to run out of the house because everyone knew I was trans and really felt my first discrimination through this dream.
What is a family home? It can be a place you feel safe. A place you don't feel any responsibility really for living your own life. A place where you don't have the chance to strike out on your own. Having to run out could mean that you felt at a point in your life where you had to do something for yourself. To make a change for yourself and start living your own life.
QuoteAfter running out of this house walking endlessly it seemed like to the first town and my phone was dead couldn't use GPS or anything and was completely lost.
This could mean that you had to rely on yourself and your own feelings. To judge where you wanted your life to go based on you, and you alone. With no one else able to tell you what path to take or where to go. The only frame of reference you have is how you feel.
QuoteThen I entered a small town seeking help and everyone was against me and then formed up into kind of a Frankenstein mob
This could mean that you were looking for answers somewhere, and didn't find what you were looking for. That you were aware of the weight of feeling around you of people who don't understand what you're going through. That perhaps the path in front of you might not be easy, and you might have opposition from people who don't understand how you feel.
Quoteas I ran out hiding in a cornfield with the mob approaching me I felt so completely alone and defenseless for the first time.
Look at where you were. A cornfield. A place full of nourishment and growth. A place full of life that reaches for the sun on a daily basis. And which, ultimately feeds us. Gives us strength. In the face of adversity you found yourself in a place which sustains.
QuoteBut then I woke up with this mob almost upon me.
But then you woke up. That itself can be significant. A resolution of your thoughts and how you feel about yourself. And what you need to do. In the face of opposition and adversity... you woke up. You came back to the present. To who, and how you are. And what you need to do.
I'm not saying that's what it means, sweetie. That's one take on it. That would be my take on it. I've had no end of scary dreams in my life. Dreams of dying, dreams of the world ending... I have one recurring dream of this huge black tornado taking away everything I ever loved... but I don't think they mean what they seem to mean. They're the minds clumsy way of telling us things. In a way we don't immediately understand.
*extra big hug*
Hello Sephirah
Thank you very much for your bit by bit assessment of my nightmare I think it's just priceless for your insight.
I've been thinking about it more and more and actually realized it was my Godfather's Farm on the Michigan Ohio border where he grew a huge amount of corn and that's about all that was grown in that area. Very flat and very treeless much different to where I live now
And as far as the family home I remember knowing about half of the people but half Were Strangers. Then I remember ducking the few cars seeing the headlights into the corn wait until they pass by thinking they're chasing me.
It's true that the corn fields were very familiar to me and definitely nurturing but after I left the farm country and headed up to the northern boreal forest and have become as one to survive in it and the corn fields now seem completely alien to me.
I really appreciate you taking the time out for me, and very much respect your experienced opinion.
It's just my opinion on it I'm certainly no expert or have any experience being my first trans dream but I think it was my unawareness of the discrimination against us and reading some real horror stories here at Susan's in the few months I have been exposed to the trans scene coupled with my first REM sleep might have had something to do with this. At least I'm getting REM sleep now and sleeping much much better and I don't know if it's psychology or the start of HRT but I do notice something big time is changing in me for the better. but when I woke up this morning I had six and a half hours of continuous sleep and had Vivid very good dreams.
I really hope this is the trend I actually feel a little more clear-headed and a general sense of well-being but I don't know if it's Placebo psychology or HRT starting but I don't care because it's all for the positive. And now have hope for the future where before I really had none.
Thanks for your advice on this thread and some of my other stuff and know that you're experience and wisdom has truly affected my life for the positive and you have truly set the bar extremely high with your caring loving attitude. love Tatiana