Print Page - her name was Laura

Title: her name was Laura
Post by: I Am Jess on July 19, 2018, 01:48:54 PM

Hi Everyone. I don't know if this is the right place to put this post but because of how fabulous this person was I thought it would be appropriate.

(https://farm1.staticflickr.com/861/42608419985_b233199db3_o.jpg) (https://flic.kr/p/27VahNM)

#hernamewasLaura

This is a picture of my beautiful friend Laura. Sadly, Laura couldn't find the strength to carry on and she took her own life on June 27th. Then in death her family robed her of her identity and held a funeral and published an obituary in her dead name. I've spoken to a family member who was present and not a single mention was made about Laura.

So I wanted to honor her here among her sisters and let the world know that Laura was fabulous and she will be missed.

Title: Re: her name was Laura
Post by: tgirlamg on July 19, 2018, 02:26:58 PM

Jess..

I am so sorry you lost a friend and we all lost a sister... This path we are all on can be so difficult at times... It can be so easy to get lost and to feel you will never arrive where you need to be in your life...

I hope some good will still come of Laura's life... I hope other sisters who read this, and see a bit of themselves in her... Will also see that they have a family of sisters here who understand the pain and challenges in this journey... I hope they will know... that with a bit of hope in their heart, all challenges can be navigated and they will find what they seek waiting patiently for them a bit further down the path...

Hope Lives...https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,233543.0.html

Onward We Go Brave Sisters

Ashley🌸💕🙏

Title: Re: her name was Laura
Post by: TonyaW on July 19, 2018, 02:46:03 PM

So sorry to hear about your friend.

I'll never understand how people can totally disrespect their own family. More important to them how they think things look than the happiness and wishes of someone they claim to love.

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Title: Re: her name was Laura
Post by: Charlie Nicki on July 19, 2018, 03:58:34 PM

Hey Jess. Thank you for sharing this, this is very thoughtful. May Laura rest in peace.

Title: Re: her name was Laura
Post by: Sonja on July 19, 2018, 07:25:25 PM

RIP Laura, no doubt you were a beautiful girl with beautiful dreams, Love, Sonja X

There is something abhorrent about people blatantly ignoring who a person was while proclaiming to having loved them. We must learn to love ourselves so we are not driven to despair, never give up.

@dizz Hair and white lace top look fabulous - Gorgeous girl!

@KathyLauren - Great photo you look pretty and happy, pretty happy!! and a sunflower chair brilliant!

@colleen_definitely - Congrats on your surgery!!

Sonja.

Title: Re: her name was Laura
Post by: Karen on July 19, 2018, 10:24:10 PM

How incredible sad. What a beautiful woman, with so much a head.

Jess, I am so sorry.

Thank you all for your care for each and other. This is such a special place of love and support.

Hugs.

Karen

Title: Re: her name was Laura
Post by: JudiBlueEyes on July 19, 2018, 10:29:48 PM

Jess I'm sorry to hear this. Family can be incredibly cruel sometimes.
Hugs, Judi

Title: Re: her name was Laura
Post by: Mendi on July 20, 2018, 01:21:01 AM

Sad for Laura.

It also comes so close to me. My father hasn´t even asked via email, that am I alive after the surgery. Nothing. And he knew where I´m going and what will be done on the otherside of the globe.

Part of the reason, why I want to push and hurry this process to the end as fast as possible, that no matter what happens, I cannot be buried anymore with a wrong name.

Title: Re: her name was Laura
Post by: Arianna Valentine on July 20, 2018, 01:34:52 AM

It is truly sad to see that happening to one of our sisters and I understand being upset about being buried with the wrong name but also the way I see it that's not the name that people are are really going to remember you by the people that really knew you are going to remember you by your name not the name you're buried as. And you posting on here about what happened to her shows how she is truly remembered by us her sisters we know what her name is and that is who she will always be to us and that is what truly matters.

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Title: Re: her name was Laura
Post by: Rachel_Christina on July 20, 2018, 01:35:49 AM

That is aweful news Jess, I hope she is in peace atleast!

You are right Mendi. I best get myself in gear too, my dad still calls my by my old name to this day D:
I need to have it official!

Title: Re: her name was Laura
Post by: MollyPants on July 20, 2018, 03:49:10 AM

That's such a sad thing to hear. I hope Laura rests in peace. I'm so sorry for your loss.

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Title: Re: her name was Laura
Post by: pamelatransuk on July 20, 2018, 04:51:37 AM

Jess

This is one of the saddest stories I have read here on Susans. Condolences to you on the loss of your friend in such a tragic way.

It is absolutely disgraceful that an entire so-called family could perhaps not only be responsible to some degree for the death of one of their own but also could ignore her true status and dignity in death. They care for nothing but their own pathetic reputation.

Laura

May you Rest in Peace

Pamela

Title: Re: her name was Laura
Post by: KathyLauren on July 20, 2018, 06:56:42 AM

Jess, I am very sad to hear about your friend Laura. Thank you for being a friend to her.

Title: Re: her name was Laura
Post by: Paige on July 20, 2018, 03:28:18 PM

Hi Jess,

I"m truly sorry to hear about your friend. You would think in 2018 families would start to understand the pain they can cause to transgender people. I'm sure it never occurred to her family that if they were more accepting just maybe this wouldn't have happened.

I'm sorry but dead naming someone like this is truly despicable and probably a good indicator of how they treated Laura while she lived.

Take care Jess,
Paige :)

Title: Re: her name was Laura
Post by: HappyMoni on July 20, 2018, 04:26:15 PM

Hi Jess,
I am so sorry to hear this. I am wondering if you could tell us a little about her. Her picture is beautiful. I kind of think that you telling us a little about her would be a positive, that people here might know a little about the real her and it might counter what they did to her with whitewashing her real identity. I recently lost two people close to me. I am sorry for the pain you have in losing this beautiful friend.
Moni

Title: Re: her name was Laura
Post by: V M on July 20, 2018, 04:31:09 PM

This type of thing always tears me up and I pause in a moment of silence to think - Not only of how cruel and judgemental our own friends and families and the public at large can be but also how we treat each other

You never know who might be on the edge - But I definitely don't want to be the one who sends them over

R.I.P. dear Laura :'( You are greatly missed

Title: Re: her name was Laura
Post by: Cindy on July 20, 2018, 04:48:58 PM

Dear Jess,

Thank you for giving us all the chance to remember and respect Laura. Her struggle, her fight and her being will be remembered here among her sisters and brothers.

Rest in Peace lovely lady.

Title: Re: her name was Laura
Post by: Doreen on July 20, 2018, 06:59:38 PM

A very beautiful heart felt post. Thank you for sharing.. this was one of my greatest fears is something would happen to me and this kind of bs would happen.. My parents destroying an entire life lived. If ever there were poltergeists who would come back to haunt, this would cause it to be so.

May she rest in place, and her memory and life be not forgotten. We all struggle...may that struggle not destroy us but make us stronger.

Title: Re: her name was Laura
Post by: Bari Jo on July 20, 2018, 07:29:47 PM

Wow, very sad indeed! It made me cry at work even. I pray she's at peace now, and has the ability to haunt her horrible family.

Bari Jo

Title: Re: her name was Laura
Post by: I Am Jess on July 22, 2018, 04:24:12 AM

Tomorrow I will put together a more detailed description of Laura as I knew her and what I have been able to determine about what happened to her after her death. It's a story that has happened to many other trans individuals who haven't made proper preparations for what is to happen after their death. It is important that all of us have something in place to insure that non accepting family members aren't allowed to make any decisions regarding what happens to us after death.

Thank you everyone for your comments about Laura. I want it to be know that #hernamewasLaura and she was no longer the person that the funeral was held for.

Title: Re: her name was Laura
Post by: Roll on July 22, 2018, 09:42:06 PM

Saw this referenced catching up on fabulous thread. It pains me to hear about this, and I can only pray she has found peace.

Title: Re: her name was Laura
Post by: SallyChoasAura on July 22, 2018, 09:51:17 PM

Oh wow... that so sad...😞
Being a person struggling with depression I know how hard it is to keep fighting. It's always so hard to a reason to keep going, but... I still fight. I will not give in. I will push forward with the pain. I want to feel true happiness again and I will not give up until I find it! No matter how long it takes, no matter how much sadness I have to suffer though, I will not be moved.😠

Title: Re: her name was Laura
Post by: tgirlamg on July 22, 2018, 10:03:37 PM

Sally!

Those are the words of a determined woman... Wishing you all good things as your journey forward continues!!! I believe there is value and lessons in all that we experience... There is much that comes from struggle that, in the end, serves us in all that follows...

Onward we go brave sister!!!

Ashley 💕🌸

Title: Re: her name was Laura
Post by: SallyChoasAura on July 22, 2018, 10:10:31 PM

Aww~ Thanks, I was worried that I kinda went on a rant there... 😰
Gotta admit though, I'm not sure if I am FTM or genderfuild- not that I don't mind being called a girl though- I'm just not sure what I am yet. ???

Title: Re: her name was Laura
Post by: tgirlamg on July 22, 2018, 11:30:25 PM

Apologies Sally!!! ... I didn't see your "?" 🙂... I was going by name but, I stand by my assesment!.., Your resolute and determined nature, combined with a little bit of hope, will take you to wherever you wish to go in life!!!

May your journey fulfill you!!!

Onward!!!

Ashley 🙂💕🌸

Title: Re: her name was Laura
Post by: Jessica on July 22, 2018, 11:52:31 PM

I'm so sorry your friend and our sister is no longer with us in body, but her spirit lives in all of us that hold her memory in their heart.

Hugs, Jessica

Title: Re: her name was Laura
Post by: SallyChoasAura on July 22, 2018, 11:54:49 PM

It's okay we all make mistakes, it's what makes us human after all! Hopefully I'll find my gender one day~😉

Title: Re: her name was Laura
Post by: I Am Jess on July 23, 2018, 07:25:29 PM

Thank you everyone for recognizing Laura for the amazing woman she was. I first met Laura when she emailed me. She and I shared the same therapist and I had given her permission to share my name with any of her clients who might need someone to discuss things with. She first reached out to discuss my experience with my GCS doctor. Our relationship soon went beyond that and developed into a friendship.

Laura was a quirky, funny and troubled young lady. We did a number of things together and she had been a guest at my house on a number of occasions. We discussed a lot of the issues that we face in transition. We went out to clubs and we just hung out. She was very spiritual and had a lot of things on her mind. She was a medical doctor who specialized in Psychiatry and Neurology. She was working with sexually violent predators (mainly pedophiles) at the Calinga State Hospital at the time of her death. (Before that she worked at Kaiser Permanente in San Diego) We did not discuss her work much because she couldn't talk about it. We would text and FaceTime each other as we discussed our transition related issues. We shared other doctors as well and we discussed our experiences with them. We talked about dating, relationships and sex. I know that she struggled with a lot of issues and I was glad that we had each other to talk about things.

Laura was an extremely private individual and so I never publicly posted anything about our friendship and what we did together. She was so private that I do not have a single picture of the two of us together because she never wanted others to know about her transition. She struggled with her relationship with her family. It's apparent that her parents did not accept her transition. Laura was raised Christian but had become Buddhist in her adult life. She had told me that she forgave her family and said prayers for them.

A few months ago Laura asked me a rather strange question. She asked me if she could hire a funeral home back in New Jersey and hold a funeral for her former self. She thought that by doing that she could help make peace with her past self and with her parents. She felt it was a very spiritual thing to do and could maybe help everyone. She had just recently been in communication with her brother and sister via FaceTime. She said it was a "miracle" that her brother and sister-in-law called her Laura. She said that her sister thought that she looked better than her. She had texted with her parents but Laura didn't think that they were ready for any conversations yet. I don't know what her last contact with them was like but obviously they did not accept her.

Sadly, the funeral for her former self is the one that was held for real. There was no mention of Laura at her funeral, although I've been told by someone who was there that there her brother peppered his comments with hints about Laura. I was told that he looked and sounded devastated and that it looked like he was hiding something. She is now another statistic of what is all too common in the transgender community. Rejection by family is one of the most cited reasons that trans individuals give for taking their own life. I don't understand how someone can turn their back to their own child. But it happens way too much. I have been crying ever since I received the news of her death. I cry for Laura and I also cry for those in the community who have to endure the rejection of their families. Being trans is hard in and of itself. Being trans without the support of family is enormously difficult as we all know.

I have shed a lot of tears over her death and over how she was treated by her family. She once told me that she had sent her former self away to the final resting place in heaven, inside herself and everyone else. Apparently her family didn't get that memo. Her old self was her protector and his work was finished when she emerged. She had inherited all of "his" best qualities. She told me that transition was not easy for her and she had to risk so much to make that leap of faith. She had lost a lot but she had trust that everything, and more, would be restored to her for the benefit of all beings. She had recently mentioned that there were so many girls who had gone before us who "rest in power" as a reward for their self compassion of embarking on the virtuous and courageous path of physiologic and psychosocial transition. She felt that "resting in power" comes from our courage of facing our fears and risking death or annihilation. She told me that she would never give up and that I should continue to pray that the universe would become kind to her. Looking at these messages now and rereading them again and again I can see that she was struggling with so many things.

Apparently she did give up and I am left to wonder what was it that crushed her optimism that she had always shown. I grieve for her and all of our other brothers and sisters who have reached the point of no return and see only the darkness as a way to the light. Support from family, either birth or chosen is so very important in getting through the field of landmines that is transition. I know I have many friends who struggle with so many issues. We have to be present for each other and be willing to love and support each other.

Laura once told me "may the time of outer, inner, secret and any type of conflict cease for all beings..." I hope that someday we can all get to that place. For now, REST IN POWER Laura, you mattered to me and many others.

Title: Re: her name was Laura
Post by: Karen on July 23, 2018, 08:23:28 PM

So beautiful. Such a shame.

Jess, she was fortunate to have found you. I am so sorry. It breaks my heart.

We have to be strong for each other.

Lots of love to you and everyone.

Karen

Title: Re: her name was Laura
Post by: tgirlamg on July 23, 2018, 08:35:32 PM

Her Name Was Laura ❤️....A Beautiful Tribute Jess... We will now all carry a bit of her in our hearts as well...May we all find peace in our journey and do our best to help others find what they seek...

Onward We Go Brave Sisters!!!

Ashley 🌺

Title: Re: her name was Laura
Post by: Paige on July 24, 2018, 07:41:26 AM

Hi Jess,

Thanks for posting your follow up. It sounds like she was an amazing person. Reading your post, my emotions were all over the place, switching between anger, sadness and despair. It's such a hard path to take.

I'm so sorry for your loss.
Paige :)

Title: Re: her name was Laura
Post by: Bari Jo on July 24, 2018, 09:42:34 AM

Beautiful post Jess. I feel like i know her and her troubles now. Yes, Rest In Power Laura.

Bari Jo

Title: Re: her name was Laura
Post by: Allison S on July 24, 2018, 11:30:34 AM

Thanks for sharing Jess.

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Title: Re: her name was Laura
Post by: Amie June on July 30, 2018, 09:21:02 AM

Thanks so much for sharing this intimate information about your friend, Jess. She's sounds like a very fascinating and complicated woman who must have had remarkable though troubled inner life. The quote you provided is a very nice tribute and I'm sure meaningful for many of us. (Very meaningful for me on this particular day.) I applaud her brother for having the love and courage to acknowledge her in some way at the funeral - what a heartwarming gesture. And you're right in that she now matters to many many others - all of us here on Susan's.

Lots of love from my corner of the world,

Lindy

Title: Re: her name was Laura
Post by: I Am Jess on July 30, 2018, 07:05:51 PM

(https://farm2.staticflickr.com/1816/43750628181_d8bca5400d_o.jpg) (https://flic.kr/p/29E6pvx)

This was the last photo that Laura took of herself before she took her own life. She was content with her decision. Laura's brother sent me this picture and he has shared with me some of her e-mails that she had exchanged with her therapist. He has given me consent to share some of what she was going through. We have had a number of discussions about this tragedy and how both her parents and I have been able to learn things that we didn't know. Laura's father believed (and he may still do so) that her death was a result of her regretting transition and I thought it was from lack of family acceptance.

Her e-mails tell a different story. She was happy with her transition as far as it went. She was the one to isolate herself away from her family because she didn't think they would accept her and she didn't want to worry them. She had just recently started reaching out to them and they were just beginning to learn about her. Laura was a deeply spiritual lady. I learned from her brother that she was a very deeply religious Christian earlier in her life and was just as deeply involved in her Buddhism. Laura felt that she was cheated by not having been able to be a teenage girl and go through normal female experiences and development.

From her writings she believed that through her death she could come back as a cis female and that her development and enlightenment would be much better for all mankind. To her, death was a natural thing and that she did not need to wait until she was old to begin the rebirth process. She was unhappy but not depressed as I would normally think of that term. Rather, she felt that it was better to live a short life than a non-virtuous one and that living unhappy was "THE DEFINITION" of a non-virtuous life and she did not want that. She was unhappy that she wasn't able to live as a female her whole life and experience all of the things girls experience as they grow up.

I was able to read what Laura's brother said about her at her funeral. His eulogy was all done using Laura's former name and male pronouns. (The family decided that the funeral would be for Laura's former self because that is the only way that they knew her, I don't agree that this was the right thing to do but I can understand why they did it that way.) The eulogy he gave for his brother was in many ways the same thing as what I wrote about Laura. We both said that Laura was "quirky" but beyond that we were describing the same person. I, of course, never knew the pre-transion Laura and he never really knew his post-transition sister, yet they were one and the same person.

I have been in communication with the family and I hope that I am going to be able to help them come to know Laura as I knew her. I hope that they will be able to say, without shame or embarrassment, we had a daughter or a sister. Her name was Laura and she was beautiful.

Title: Re: her name was Laura
Post by: alex82 on August 07, 2018, 08:24:36 AM

Horrible story. What a beautiful young lady. Interesting that the family are open. Heartbreaking that they'll only fully know her now (even though it's just one detail with, as you say, everything else being the same person both they and you knew) and not in life, but it says so much for them that they're going to try. I hope they and you find some of the peace that she couldn't.

Title: Re: her name was Laura
Post by: Allison S on August 07, 2018, 08:33:12 AM

[emoji45] I'm sad to hear. I don't know Laura and I can't judge but I know some with severe depression for a long time are very good at masking it. I feel that's the case for me too. I hope she has found peace...

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Community Conversation => Transsexual talk => Male to female transsexual talk (MTF) => Topic started by: I Am Jess on July 19, 2018, 01:48:54 PM