Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hello there,

I'm going by Chloe for the time being, and I'm very new to this. And by this, I mean all of it. The forum, the dysphoria, or at least facing it, and certainly to discussing this with anyone else. I see a therapist once a week, she has been amazing and is the first person I ever told about these feelings. I'm certain a lot of what I'm going to say is rehashing topics / threads that are well worn on this site, but I've been feeling the need to interact more, and maybe just posting my story up here in public will help. I've read, researched, observed, etc, etc. I'm an introvert, and a bit shy on top of that. This is that hard part so... here goes. Also, brevity is quite obviously not my strong suit, so feel free to skip to the blurb at the end:).

I was assigned male at birth, and I'm currently weighing out whether or not transition is right for me. I want it, but... reasons, realities, confusion, yada yada. I'm in my mid-30s, gainfully employed at in a creative capacity at a company with a fairly progressive, and even friendly, attitude towards the LGBTQ+ community. I live in a very liberal city, have LGBTQ+ friends, and those not in the community are all socially progressive folk. I began feeling more intense feelings of gender dysphoria early in the year. They seemed to have sprung out of nowhere, but since then I've been connecting the dots, recalling many things I had long forgotten, some that I had straight up repressed, at least to some degree, and generally realizing that these feelings have not at all come "out of nowhere." Still, I find it all very, very confusing (stop me if you've heard this before...). I realize that every Trans person's story is different, and doesn't have to fit some specific "True Trans" narrative... but as I weigh the pros and cons of transition I feel like I need something to ground me and help me know that this isn't simply some "delusion"* or "phase"
*(I say this with great care and mean no disrespect at all to the experiences of anyone in this community. I hear you, I believe you, and your stories have helped me more than I can say. This is something that has been far, far easier to accept in anyone other than myself.)

A little history:
Growing up, I never felt much like a boy, though I didn't feel like a girl either. I was a painfully shy and timid teenager, and as an adult have never felt comfortable being a "man." I was raised Christian. My family were never extreme fundamentalists, and we went through our phases of being more or less devout / church-going. To my knowledge, literally everyone else in my family is of some conservative bent. The vast majority are quite socially conservative as well. Needless to say, I grew up with some issues around sex and gender.

I was always, and still am, attracted to women. This has been an enormous point of confusion for me. I suppose I always thought that any attraction I had to anything feminine was because I was a "normal" cis hetero guy. It's still confusing, and I'm looking back on a lot of past relationships with new eyes.

In my college years and most of my twenties, I questioned gender quite a lot. In spite of being a skater kid enamored with punk, and all manner of aesthetics adorned with skulls, I had been a devout Christian in my last years of high school. I moved from that conservative suburban life to go to art school in a big, very, very liberal city. I lost the religion pretty fast, along with any of the homophobia that came with it. I wore my hair long, listened to political punk, read the left-wing literature, "refused to be a man", but never really felt that I should be a woman instead, or that I might be happier as a woman. I considered myself cis, just not masculine. Again, not femme either, but much more emphatically not masculine. I experimented with some femme presentation, considered identifying as a "boi" or something similar, but quickly lost my nerve. I felt ridiculous, and just assumed any femme desires were delusions, or one of those stupid ideas you have when your young and thing you know everything. I have attention, in most cases. I felt like I was being looked at and judged all the time.

I thought for a long time that, what I'm now recognizing as gender dysphoria, was simply dissatisfaction with my gender role, with performing masculinity, or maybe that it was just my shyness or immaturity that I needed to get over. Maybe I just needed to "man up" (good god I hate that phrase). So I did! I got in shape, grew a beard, cut my hair short, learned about menswear. I got compliments, learned to love lifting weights and not fear the jocks or gyms, I even felt good about my body for the first time (at least, after years of struggle and a bout with eating disorders, body dysmorphia, and the like). I still had struggles and didn't feel particularly masculine, but this seemed better. At least I was in some kind of body that felt acceptable to society and allowed me to more easily navigate life with some degree of confidence. The dysphoria really seemed to have gone away. For years.

I met a girl, fell in love, thought I was really making it work and holding my own as a man, until the insecurities crept back in. She broke up with me, for reasons I still don't know. She said she didn't either. I assumed it was some variation of not being "Man" enough. Not accomplished enough? Assertive enough? "Male" enough? Who knows. I threw myself into work, self-improvement, anything that might give me a sense of accomplishment and prove that I was a worthy of being loved. I got very, very busy doing things that I thought other people expected of me, being who I thought I needed to be. Eventually the work, some family drama, and trying to live someone else's life burned me out, and that's around the time these feelings really started.

I have no idea what triggered it. I was out walking around the city one day, ruminating ruefully on something (I wish I could remember what it was), being down on myself, wondering everything seemed so hard, when the realization hit me like a punch in the gut: "what if I'm trans?" I remember feeling a physical sensation of terror at this thought. I immediately tried to deny it. "This can't be true", "I could never handle the stresses of that kind of life", "I could never be a "real" girl", etc, etc.

That feeling has ebbed and flowed since then, but never gone away like it did before. It was one of the first things I talked to my therapist about, and a large part of the reason I started seeing her a few months ago. The first month or so after this realization was an emotional roller coaster. I researched the hell out of being Transgender. I'd be listening to a podcasts, audio books, or interview while working, hearing the stories of other trans girls and someone would say something that struck such a chord deep within me that I literally stopped moving and stood there with a look of shock on my face. I cried a lot during this time. Not out of fear or sadness for being what I am, but because I was coming to realize that these things I'd always been deeply ashamed of, that I never dared share with anyone, that I repressed at all cost to the point where I even thought I had dealt with them already and was passed this, were never "wrong" at all, and that I wasn't the only one feeling them. I've spent most of my life policing myself so much that I never even expressed these feelings / desires in private. I remember wearing some of my Mother's underwear as a kid, just about whenever I could. I felt ashamed of it then. I always just thought it was some weird sexual thing, and I stopped in my teens out of fear of being found out somehow, but that's the only thing I can remember doing as a kid that seems to fit the "typical" trans girl story.

I've only recently started cross-dressing in private for the past few months. I have roommates, so unfortunately that confines me to my room and doesn't allow me a ton of freedom to experiment with makeup and the like, which I really, really want to do. The feeling I get when I'm dressed en femme is... well, peaceful isn't quite the right word, but it's close. The moments when I look at myself in the mirror ( currently in a summer dress, nails painted, wearing a wig), and think that I "pass", are nearly euphoric. Just standing here typing this is exciting and, as it turns out, there's not really a large sexual component to it. It just feels... nice. Maybe even "right". I feel free to move and act how I've always wanted to, to  wear what I want, and maybe even BE who I want. I haven't had the nerve to do this in public yet, they thought still terrifies me even as it simultaneously excites me. I'm dying to tell my close friends. Those are the good days. Sometimes, I look at myself and think I'll never pull this off in a million years. My shoulders are too broad, my arms and hands are too big, my brow, my deep voice, my adam's apple, to say nothing of what's between my legs... I feel so angry at those moments.

I'm doing subtle things to feminize my appearance when I'm out, tighter pants, more jewelry, growing my hair out again, and I'm shaving my legs and chest on the reg, all to try and see if this is something I really want. Lack of body hair in particular has done wonders for the dysphoria, and generally the more I do of these things the better I feel. Yet, as good as these things (usually) make me feel, I'm crushed when I'm reminded of the (negative) realities of navigating the world as a trans person, particularly in light of political events circa November 2016 – Now. If I decided to transition, I would want bottom surgery ( I know I don't have to get it to be a "real" trans girl, but I've never been crazy about my genitals...) and have been contemplating things like a tracheal shave, brow reduction and so on to help take the masculine edge off my appearance. Aside form whether or not I can even afford these things, the thought of going through those procedures scares me, especially as, at least in the case of bottom surgery, it's something I will have to manage the rest of my life, as I would with HRT. The thought of losing insurance in that state is scary as hell. Maybe a lot of these things are just newbie obsessions with passing? Self-acceptance is a long road.

Fears aside, I have it pretty damned good, all things considered. I live in a city and state where I would have protections, and I think many of my friends would at least try to accept and even celebrate me as a trans girl. I do have health care that covers at least some Transgender services, and I know of at least one person at work who transitioned openly on the job, so I could probably still have a career (assuming I can keep this particular job). My family... well I'm not even worrying about that yet. Sometimes it seems like more than I can possibly handle, even considering how relatively privileged a position I'm in should I decide to transition. And sometimes, I feel like maybe I could be fine just living as a femmey boy, the sorts of androgynous male figures I always wished to emulate growing up, but didn't dare to. It's only recently have I begun to really identify with women and see myself as a women. Maybe that's just something else I suppressed and didn't allow myself to feel, it's another point of confusion for me, and something I haven't really heard in the stories of other Trans girls. Everyone else just seemed to know when they were much younger, and seems to always see themselves as a girl.   

And lastly, what if this IS just a phase? What if I suddenly want to grow a beard and do all manner of dudely things again? The decision, especially the path I'm considering, is so permanent. Maybe transition is not right for me... but I do want it. Maybe I just need to do more part-time activities to see if I really like it?

TLDR: I feel like I'm taking crazy pills. Does any of this ring a bell for anyone? In particular the parts about not realizing you were trans until later in life (30s) and not always feeling like a girl? Am I a trans girl suffering from non-trans-enough syndrome, or just a cis(ish) guy really exploring my feminine side? I know I'll ultimately have to answer these questions for myself, but your thoughts, advice, and perspective are more than welcome.

For anyone who read through all of that rambling mess of Gender Dysphoria 101, you are a beautiful, wonderfully patient person and have my heartfelt thanks :).

Warmly,

Chloe (probable Lesbian-Trans-Girl)




*No Profanity Please*

Hi Chloe!  Welcome to the site!

Everyone is different, which means that you will have to work very hard to figure out the real you.  It is good that you are getting professional help. 

I'm a real good example of "different."  I actually read your wall of text.  And I've never had any trouble passing as a women.  I'm 5' 3" 108 pounds and have measurements of 32-26-32!  Which would be the envy of many GGs my age!  No Adams apple and I still have lots of salt and pepper hair. 

For me, going TG is just a fantasy.  Way too much work. And more importantly, too many health issues.  As a guy who looks like a girl I can do a lot of physical stuff girls struggle with, like rearranging the shrubs in my garden.  Many GGs have to rely on an SO for stuff like that.

Hi Chloe  :icon_wave:

Welcome to Susan's Place  :)  Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Here are some links to the site rules and stuff that we offer to all new members to help them along

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)	Standard Terms & Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html)	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.)	Cautionary Note (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,82221.0.html)
Reputation rules (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,18960.0.html)	News posting & quoting guidelines (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,174951.0.html)	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,59974.msg383866.html#msg383866)	Membership Agreement (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,216851.0.html)

Hugs

V M

Chloe,
   Yes it all sounds  pretty familiar. Be aware that your first attempts to go femme especially in front of people might  be greeted with some self guilt. You have to wade through that, release the guilt and then see how it feels to be perceived by others as female. I wrestled with the not trans enough thing for a long time.  When I was seen as female, it told me a lot. Go out away from your area so your present life is safe and get some experience. It will tell you a lot about what is right for you. The worst thing you can do is run from finding out what is right for you. Face it now and don't torture yourself trying to deny, return to the feelings, deny, etc. I did that a long time and it was so toxic to me. Figure it out Chloe. It takes some work, but it is worth it.
Moni

@justChloe 
Hello Chloe,     
Thank you for introducing yourself.  Please know that I am not trying to hijack your thread but first things first.
I see that you are new here and may have questions and concerns, this is the right place for you to be to find out what others have done that may have been in your situation. 
Be aware that there are lots of members here that can identify with what you brought up in your introduction posting. 

I see that our member @V M has already sent you an official welcome message but please allow me to also WELCOME you to Susan's Place.  You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others  and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.
It is nice that you have signed up so you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other members.
When frustrated or if you have successes you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....

***It's a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new friends here. 

Please come in and get involved at your own pace. 
Be sure to look at the Links that @V M posted below her welcome message, there is information about the site that will help you navigate around and best utilize the features here.
Pay special attention to the LINKS IN RED...
...answers to questions that many new members have can be found there.

Again, Welcome.
Danielle

Thanks all for the welcome!

@HappyMoni Very, very good advice, thank you :). I'm here because I'm finally ready to stop running from this, and as terrifying as it is to face these feelings, it's also exciting and liberating. I think I can identify much of the confusion I'm feeling lately as the self guilt you described. I know it will be a long and difficult journey, but knowing that fact does help me to keep at it and not run away at the first sign of discomfort.

@ Maid Marion, I am envious of those measurements as well! I'm also struggling with concerns about how much work transition will be, and the health risks. Good to hear your perspective!

Thank you @V M and @Alaskan Danielle for the helpful info about the site and the warm welcome. I'm looking forward to actually communicating with some other people who share similar experiences. I've been going it alone too long :)