.I'm afab, and bigender (at least, I'm pretty sure). Half the time I love my body (minus the extra weight), and the other half of the time I completely hate it and am very discomforted by it.
When I am female, I love doing my hair, makeup and wearing dresses. I love my pronouns and name.
When I am Male I hate my body and face. Feel very detached from it. Pronouns dont bother me much outside of my home, though on Male days I love when my husband uses my Male name and pronouns. But it doesnt bother me much if not used when out.
I'm exploring my identity and now that I've accepted my Male self, I feel happy, exhilarated, and downright terrified.
My issue is that I dont know if I should come out. My husband is aware of my exploring and seems to be supportive. I'm an adult with my own family. My husbands family are very catholic and not understanding whatsoever to the lgbt community. My family is very conservative religious people. Again, not convenient for a gender non conforming person. Additionally, I have kids that I dont want to confuse or scare. I dont want them bullied for me being who I am. And honestly, even when I am a guy, I love being mommy. I never want that to change.For now I am good being my Male self inside my home mostly when the kids are asleep or not home. I do wear my husbands clothes alot both inside the home and out in public and this doesnt bother them as I've always done this. I have binded my chest and recently packed in front of them, but they didnt seem to notice, as I guess in some way I've always tried flattening my chest. And truthfully, they just weren't looking at my lower area and asking about it. Currently, I am not comfortable wearing my beard and using my Male name and pronouns around my kids family or friends. But the urge to go out in public as my Male self is strong. When I'm Male, I have to have a beard. It's the only way I feel remotely close to who I am. I spend a lot of tedious time applying a fake beard to wear around my house a few hours a day while my kids are at school. I havent been able to do this as its summer, and I'm feeling lost lately. The feeling of needing to have my beard is becoming almost unbearable at times.
My questions....Should I just come out and deal with all the hate, questions, confusion and problems? Should I just be my Male self at home? Should I try going somewhere away from home to be Male in public? What was it like your first time going out???Also, my hair is straight and halfway down my back. if I choose not to come out but cut my hair short (shaved pixie), will this out me regardless??? Should i cut my hair? I keep going back and forth. I feel like I really want to and then my anxiety and fear creeps back In. If i cant even cut my hair how am i going to get through the biggest stuff??? Should I start by slowly wearing more mens clothes (meaning i start buying my own vs. Wearing my husbands) until I'm comfortable wearing them out and people dont even notice??? People dont notice now as I frequently go out in his tshirts and basketball shorts. But I want to get my own mens Jean's, flannels, boots, button ups. But I'm afraid cutting my hair and beginning to wear my own clothes mens clothes will completely out me if I dont come out.I'm sorry for the long post. My thoughts are currently jumbled.
Hi Newview! Welcome to Susan's Place! I'm Jessica.
Fear of the unknown and the known is probably what scares many of us. Many here have taken it slowly with their transition, so that is a gradual shift and not to dramatic.
It depends on your end game how fast or slow or to what extreme.
Do I think you should cut your hair? Certainly it creates a more masculine look, but still allowing for a feminine side if needed.
I see your new here, so I'll post some links that may help you get better acquainted with the site. Pay attention to the site rules they can be of great help and don't forget the link highlighted red. It has answers to questions that are commonly asked. Then join in on a topic you find interesting and learn and share.
Please feel free to stop by the Introductions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,8.0.html) Forum to tell the members about yourself!
Things that you should read
Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html) | Standard Terms & Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html) | Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.) | Cautionary Note (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,82221.0.html) |
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@Newview18 Dear NewView: Thank you for introducing yourself. Please know that I am not trying to hijack your thread but first things first.
I see that you are new here and may have questions and concerns, this is the right place for you to be to find out what others have done that may have been in your situation.
Be aware that there are lots of members here that can identify with what you brought up in your introduction posting.
I see that our very
smart and beautiful member @Jessica has already sent you an official welcome message on another thread that you posted on yesterday.
Please allow me to also
WELCOME you to Susan's Place. You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.
It is nice that you have signed up so you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other members.
When frustrated or if you have successes you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....
***It's a very good chance that you might find that you will
make some new friends here.
Please come in and get involved at your own pace.
Be sure to look at the
Links that our member
@Jessica posted below her welcome message, there is information about the site that will help you navigate around and best utilize the features here.
Pay special attention to the
LINKS IN RED...
...answers to questions that many new members have can be found there. .
Please as she suggested click the
Introductions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,8.0.html)
Link and also post there so that more members will be aware of your presence.
Again, Welcome.
Danielle
Welcome to Susan's Place. You are the only one who can provide the answers to your questions however there are things you can do to find out. If you aren't already talking to a gender therapist, it's time to start. Having a sounding board for your ideas will help you determine how you feel about the various points. The other is move more toward the Tom Boy image. Women often have that appearance in a casual environment and nobody says anything about it because appearance standards are much more relaxed for women. Should somebody question you (which they probably won't), just say your tired of dressing to match other people's image of you and you just want to wear something comfortable. Dress has become much more casual over the years so don't feel you need to present formal unless you want to.