It's been a while since I've posted on the forum. Life got rather convoluted for me for a while, and I was just too busy to stop by. Sorry about that, but thank you to everyone who was supportive to me when I was last here.
I've had a lot happen in the last few months. I've come out to my close friends about my intent to transition, and have received an amazing amount of support from them. My wife and I have been going to couples therapy together, and things have gotten to a calm that I didn't hope for in my wildest dreams. She's not only completely okay with everything, but she's actively supporting me in every step of the way. We've decided together that I'll hold off on HRT for the moment, as we want to have a child. Once we're sure that the pregnancy has taken, I'll start on HRT and away we go.
Though I still can't go out as a woman most of the time due to my job and the problems it could create for me, I did spend the last two weeks non-stop as a woman. My wife and I work conventions on the side, selling art. The reception I received was nothing short of amazing to me. It's a skewed result, as the conventions we work tend to be very LGBT friendly and accepting, but it was still extremely reaffirming for me. Even though some of it got a bit weird...
Friends, close coworkers, my little sister, all of the important people in my life already know about my decision and progress except my parents. I honestly can't figure out how to talk to them about this. They're both conservative protestants, and tend to be somewhat close-minded about these kinds of things. When I came out as bisexual, it was accidental. I ended up in an argument over politics with my mom at a bar/restaurant. She'd demanded to know why I cared so much about gay rights, and as I was somewhat drunk, I blurted out "Maybe because I'm F*-ing a guy?"
...not exactly the most graceful way to come one to one's parents, right? I'm desperately trying to avoid a confrontation like that again. My mom just pretended nothing happened, and didn't speak of it for a long time. When my sister came out as bi, she didn't speak to her for weeks. It took me driving from South Dakota back home to Chicago and yelling at them, reminding them that this was their daughter and what they were doing is deplorable, before they calmed down and things returned to normal. It's been six or seven years since that whole debacle, but it sits in the front of my mind as a reminder of how stubborn they can be.
I still love them both dearly, even if talking has become more strained between us due to religious, ideological, and political differences. I want them to stay in my life. And more than that, my wife and I are trying for a child, who I want to have a relationship with their grandparents.
I've spent countless hours planning out what to say in my head to them. I've rehearsed, I've written letters, I've laid there at night trying to figure out what to do. Earlier today, my mom let me know she'd be calling in the evening to check in since we haven't talked in a good month or so. I spent the entire day on the edge of a panic attack, trying to figure out if this was the right time to say something. In the end, I chickened out. We talked about basic things like the weather. Coming down from the panic attack now, and extremely disappointed in myself. I keep telling myself "next time, I'll talk to them. Really." but it never happens.
Any advice on how to deal with this? I'm at my wits end...
Oh geez... hey buddy I know that the world can be tough and that life isn't fair but ya gotta keep pushing. I not gay- more of a hetero-flexible - so I'm not sure if I can give you advice on this subject but maybe try getting them in a room alone with you and sitting them down trying to have a real conversation about it. If they truly love and believe in you, they'll support you no matter what. They may be stubborn at first because we as a society like to cling onto our beliefs with a burning passion. But no matter how long it takes, one day they'll come around. 😌👍
Your parents sound reminiscent of my parents, based on the brief descriptions you've provided. When I came out to them, I went pain first. I talked about how depressing and disorienting life as a guy was for me, and how thinking of myself as a girl made that abate. I set the tone that they may not like it, but that it was better than the alternative I had been living. I also was very clear about my boundaries, and refused to let them dictate terms for my transition. That was my general strategy, it may contain some helpful ideas for you.
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Odds are they will find out some way eventually, so better for you to tell them in a controlled setting. I would prefer face to face if that is possible.
I like Tamika's post. This isn't something you suddenly decided to do, it's something that has been forced on you because the alternative is worse.
If you are some distance away from your parents I assume you don't see them often. An offer not to visit for say six months while you get your appearance reasonable might deflect a possible "Never come here again".
Hi IndieCred,
I know that coming out to parents can be hard. I recently came out to my own, and it was one of the most stressful things I've ever done in my life!
In my case, I decided to send a letter rather than trying to come out on the phone or in person. I chose a letter because it gave me a chance to think carefully about what I wanted to say, and to say it without the fear of being interrupted, or getting too emotional, or losing my train of thought.
I ended up taking an overall approach similar to Tamika's:
I set the expectation with my parents that the letter might be difficult, and that it might change things between us, but that no matter what, I still loved them and wanted them to be happy. Then I gave them the big news that I'm trans, and started going into the details on how I'd reached that understanding, and how much I'd suffered over the years from trying to live as a man. In my case, I'd waited to tell them until I'd been on HRT for a bit, so I was also able to explain how much of a positive difference it had made in my life. I ended with what I wanted from them - which was to either do their best to accept me and be supportive, or to stay out of it and not interfere in my life.
Thankfully, things went well for me, and maybe my experience can help give you some thoughts on your own situation.
I think the most important advice I can offer you though is this: You only get one first try at coming out to anyone. Think through your plan carefully, but make it a priority so that you can come out on your own terms, rather than being outed by surprise; and most of all, coming out is a very personal thing: the rest of us can offer thoughts and stories from our own lives, but you know yourself and your parents better than anyone else here does, and you have to pick the approach that feels right for you.
Another I'll add, is that you've already come out to a number of other people, and it sounds like that's generally gone well? If so, don't forget that! The friends and family that you're already out to may be able to offer support and help you through this as well!
I know it's stressful, and I really hope that you can get through this, and that things go well for you!
-Megan