I have been researching top surgery options for nearly two years now, and even though I may have found a surgeon *crosses fingers, toes, legs and eyes*, I am still afraid to take that first step of setting up an appointment.
My genderfluid boyfriend will be going with me since I have ADHD and might be too hyper/tweaked to remember important things, but I need to take that first step and set up the appointment so that I can ask my questions. I'm not planning on having surgery until the SO has had his hip replacement surgery and is undergoing physical therapy, but the idea of picking up the phone and making that first call is frightening, to say the least.
I know that this is the next step I need to take since I've been on T for over 20 months, but to actually make that first phone call.... :-\ I'm hoping that by this time next year, I'll be well on my way to be recovering from my surgery.
Has anyone else had this fear? I can't be the only one, but it would be nice to hear how you overcame your fear.
Thanks for listening,
Ryuichi
I came about my top surgery in an unusual way. I knew I was trans but didn't think I could transition for a variety of reasons. I ended up getting a breast reduction thinking it would ease my dysphoria enough to make living possible and it would be covered by insurance. Surprise to me when it actually made things worse... I started on hormones 6 months after that surgery and at my 1 year post op appointment, I asked about a "full" chest masculinization surgery.
However, I 100% relate to how you feel. I ran into this mental roadblock heavily with bottom surgery. For me it came down to a few things - cost, fear, and my lack of patience.
It still bothers me how much my family has had to sacrifice for me to have had surgery. I don't take those sacrifices lightly. None of my transition has been covered by insurance.
Fears - I had a lot. Would I even be a candidate? What if it didn't work out well? Would it quench the ache of dysphoria enough for me to be "ok"? If it didn't, what then? Bottom surgery is, realistically, the last thing I could do to be ok, and if I wasn't, then what? Would the total cost be too much to save for? Basically, for me, the hope that bottom surgery would work for me, I'd be a candidate, and that I'd have a good result felt better than the finality of knowing it wouldn't or couldn't (if that makes sense).
And lastly, my lack of patience. I knew if I found out I was a candidate and the cost was realistic, my drive to see that through would make it more difficult for me to put it off.
So... I hesitated and I didn't want to make the call or get a consult, I didn't want to entertain it because of all the reasons above.
You aren't alone in feeling that way. Even though it's something you want and something you need, sometimes that makes the pressure even worse.
What forced my hand? My wife. She is super supportive and encouraging. We've been together 11 years (I've been transitioning for almost 5) and she has never batted an eye at anything I've thrown her way. But she pushed me to take the steps she knew we needed to take. I don't mean that in a way that she forced me into something I didn't want to do, I mean it in the sense that she helped me get over my fears to take the first step. That's not a great answer, I know. But you will feel so much better after you've taken the first step.
Do you have a couple of surgeons in mind, or just one?
I've been making all sorts of calls to places to inquire about various transition related medical things. Some offices were INCREDIBLY helpful and got back to me right away. Some were terse/maybe understaffed and I had to press for information. One office had a receptionist that hung up on me each time I said the word "transgender" (I called back three times), and she finally yelled at me to call the following day and hung up.
Calling was helpful in ways I didn't expect.
As for the nerves of straight up making the call, I feel that, too. When I first started, I would leave the apartment and drive my car into another parking lot so not a single human being could hear me make the calls. I'm over it, though. I found it became easier as I had more rapport with places, or went for a first visit.
It's intense to say these things out loud, especially to strangers. It's like cold calling for help about your darkest secrets.
I currently have one surgeon in mind, but they have to do the operation that I want, or else the search will continue. That's what the first phone call is about. Seeing if they won't cut my chest nerves. I will smile and nod and then never contact them again if they feel they "have" to cut them. My chest is an erogenous zone and I want them to remain as such.
I suppose I'm more worried that I'll have to keep searching. I've been searching for over two years for someone that won't cut my nerves AND that takes my insurance. I'm getting tired of looking, but I won't give up. I need this surgery.
Ryuichi
Sounds like what you want is the inverted T anchor-style procedure. I didn't go with that, but if you're not already looking at Steinwald, he seemed quite good. I imagine you've already been using transbucket to review surgeons?
As for the fear of calling, I think sticking to surgeons who seem serious in "marketing" themselves to the trans community should help. I had one consult with a guy who actually said - I forget the exact adjective but something like, "But you have such lovely breasts." Um, no. Needless to say I didn't go with him. I went with someone who has had a booth at Pride and has an Instagram where he proudly displays selfies with happy trans guys, etc. and makes clear on his website that this is a procedure he's happy to be able to offer. And, yes, if staff are not "welcoming," buh-bye. Re taking your SO, it's always helpful, in medical and legal situations, to bring someone who might more clearly remember things, think to ask questions, etc.
Just remember that you want this and that talking in no way commits you to anything. Frankly, I'd be pretty confident that they want your "business" more than you need their services.
Good luck!