So, hey I'm only out to one family member. My mom. I'm having trouble dealing with her rude comments. Mostly it's her views that cause me to be insecure with myself, she's not a good person to start with, though. She believes as a trans guy, I will never be satisfied with myself, bcuz I was always be a man who's lacking. A smaller penis, and a curvy woman's body, that I'll make the "change" and I'll regret it and be sad. That I will somehow miss my old life and that I'm not really a man. I don't like to confront her, because she believes she is always right and she will gladly use her power in the household to assert her views as the law. I don't think it's right, I have to believe what she does. I personally don't think when I am doing "a man's job" such as lifting I'm a woman doing "a man's job." I'm just..a trans man. It's these little things that get to me. Lately, she gets sad, when she's learned I've made a masculine change and she didn't know about it, like she's missing out. But, here's the thing, she doesn't try to hide her disgust, she doesn't try to understand, she simply doesn't care. It's wrong and that's that. My lgbt friends must have brainwashed me and I'm confused. But, here's the thing, I learned they were all lgbt, right after I came out. I had a trans friend once and I respected him, but she never did.
Do mom's have to respect pronouns and name changes, they have known me longer than anyone else, it's the biggest change for them?
Should family be informed when I start hormones?
Should I come out to family now, or later?
See..this is an issue as mom expresses obvious shame, and uncomfortability. I understand people will look badly on her now, for allowing her kid to be trans. What, I'm worried most about, is her sudden harshness and restrictions after I come out to other family members. Basically, suddenly I may be required to hide my manliness when family comes over, as it's shameful and embarrassing to everyone and I'm doing her favor, without her having to excuse away my man things, like cologne. I don't enjoy this environment..the shame..the uncomfortable, angry, disappointed looks..and the constant comments about how I will never be an adequate man. Firstly, I don't care, if my size is average, or if my bone structure is small for a man, or if I'm short for a man, or have girly eyes, or face. I "change" because, it makes me happy, I'm doing it for me, not anyone else. I'm happy with myself, I am, man-woman mix and all, and I know who I am. I'm just waiting for the outside world to see it too. If, they never see it, it's fine. But, there's a certain level of respect, I think I deserve. Adults I've met dismiss my respect as entitlement. But, all I'm asking is too call me by my proper name, or pronouns, I don't expect them to suddenly see me as a man, because I know that will never happen. But, I don't want to deal with the drama and the crying fits and the "I've lost my daughter" I try to be tolerant, but there's just some days, I'm just..furious. I'm happy and then, I have to listen to them cry and get angry and make up excuses for who I am, to reassure themself.
@Ashtonrocks Dear Ashton
I am so glad that you have just become a member of Susan's Place and that you have shared your interesting and detailed posting with the members here on the Forums.
I am thinking that you may have lots more questions and concerns, this is the right place for you to be to find out what others have done that may have been in your circumstances.
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@Ashtonrocks Oh, and another thing Ashton,
So that more members here will be aware of your arrival on the Susan's Place Forums please find your way to the Introductions Forum (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,8.0.html) Forum to tell the members about yourself!
If you are one of our younger members, please stop by the Youth Introductions Forum (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,544.0.html) and discover others about your age.
In the Introductions Forum write much of what you wrote here but in a more brief form so that the members that discover you will be able to share with you and answers some of your concerns.
Best wishes to you and thank you for becoming a member of Susan's Place.
Danielle
There are some people, parents included, that simply will not accept you as your true self, no matter what you may want. You sound young. If that is true, then you may have to follow her rules to some extent, but the most important thing is that you stay safe! As long as she's not hurting your physically, then mostly everything else can be dealt with. It sounds like your friends are going to be your support, use them as such on those bad days. That's what friends do, help each other through good times and bad. If you can, ignore most of what she says. Transitioning is scary for many cis people, and she might not know how else to deal with it. I'd pity her more than anything. You "not being who she expected you to become" is probably scaring her, and her hurtful words is how she deals with "the unknown." Hopefully she'll come around someday to realize how much happier you are as your true self.
Is there a LGBT+ center near you that you can get to? That would be your best place for support and information. If so, go to it and as your questions about the medical side of transitioning. They may also have a transgender support group you can go to, if so, you should probably attend, if nothing more than to vent out your frustrations, not to mention they may be able to give you info on who/where to go to (or where/what doctors to avoid.)
In the meantime, you can wear what you want. Hit the thrift stores and go to the men's section, I bet there are plenty of clothes there that may fit you. Start dressing in what feels "right" to you, and maybe invest in a binder. Be sure to follow the advice on how to wear one safely, you can do serious physical damage to yourself if you don't bind properly! There are plenty of threads all over here and in the FTM section on how to wear one safely.
Don't worry about "having feminine eyes" or "curves," HRT could change that. And don't worry, not every man has "the man brow ridge," or whatever. There are a LOT of cis men that look somewhat feminine, are short or have tiny bodies. Carry yourself with pride, and people won't notice how tiny/feminine/short/etc you are! If GRS is something you're interested in, you can research here and all over the web on what kinds are currently available, and what can happen when you take HRT. Your facial structure, fat distribution and musculature will definitely change, no matter your age. Facial hair, and other things will depend on your genes, but are more than likely possible as well.
To answer your questions, no, unfortunately, parents/siblings/etc are not required to respect your pronouns. But, you also don't have to take them misnaming/misgendering you. I correct my family members (and anyone else) when I'm misnamed/misgnedered.
If you have your own insurance, no they do not have to be informed of when you start insurance. If you need your parents' permission due to being underage or still of their insurance due to college, for example, they may need to be informed. You can always check by calling the insurance company to see what their policies are. Have a list of your questions ready and take notes of their answers so that you won't forget them.
You can come out to your family whenever you want. Whenever you feel most comfortable doing so. Some people come out before they start transitioning, some come out during, and some after. Its all up to you. Sometimes, a letter is the way to go, that way you can say whatever you need to say without fear of interruption. Keep a backup of it, in case they tear it up/delete it. Sometimes, sitting down and talking is the way to go. A simple discussion sometimes works. Or you can simply have them see and hear the changes, and they can figure it out for themselves. Again, its whatever route you decide to do.
As much as it may make your Mom feel embarrassed, she needs to realize that its YOUR LIFE. You will be the one living as male, female, both or neither. YOU. No one "allows" their kid to be transgender, you simply are. Its how you were born. She may try to force you to hide, but it'll eventually come out...if you choose it to. If you're worried about "having to hide your manliness, you can opt to wear t-shirts and jeans, for example. But once you're on HRT, chances are, your changes will eventually be obvious for all to see and hear. You doing "her a favor?" She should consider "your level of comfort," but unfortunately, sometimes parents can't/won't/refuse to see the forest for the trees. I'm sure that once your voice drops and you start growing facial hair, she'll no longer want you to wear dresses! You shoulnd't conform to "make them happy," they should be happy that you found what makes you happy. Of course, that's not what it sounds like is going on, thus the need for support groups and good friends.
Also, don't forget, there are plenty of people here on the forum to talk to/vent at/ask questions to, we're here to support one another as well!
It sucks that you are being made to feel ashamed for being yourself. If you can, ignore the looks, the comments and the anger. Again, its your life to live! The only person you have to worry about during this should be you. Everyone else will have their own thoughts, like them or not. During the bad days, that's when your friends and the LGBT+ center should be there to support you. You're not being "entitled" or whatever, you're simply dong what makes you happy and what feels right to you. That's not entitlement, its called living.
Whatever makes you happy is what you should be doing.
Good luck bro.
Ryuichi
I think you should decide if all of this can somehow stop you. If it can't - than there is nothing to worry about. Stay calm like a mountain and don't let this behavior shake your state, be a little more distant from that negative. Though it might be easier to say than to do I suppose...