I am a mature, closeted, CD who is (relatively happily) married to a strongly non-supportive wife (sigh) in a non-urban area. And I happened to be at a local jail a few months back when a (mid 30's) CD was released (probably a DWI) still wearing her miniskirt, wig, heels, and a cute top. She was met by a couple of guys, one an older brother maybe? I could still sense the panic and fear within her as she told them how very much she appreciated their coming to get her and that she hadn't really known who to call. They told her it was all right.
So that caused me to think about my CD world. (well, the 1st thought was that she might have better legs, but I had the cuter mini-skirt.) But then I stopped being catty and realized that as a non-urban, closeted CD, there are very few people who are aware. I have only revealed to 5 people; 1 gay guy who was in the process of dying (now completed), and 4 women, 3 of whom I could not count upon aiding me in a time of need. (I'm also an only child, so no siblings to assist.) And I have not been able to reveal to my wife who has quickly expressed that she would be Strongly Non Supportive!!! whenever I've dropped a hairpin). But at least I finally realized that there was 1 person whom I could trust to come to my rescue in a time of need.
So how about you other Mature CD's, closeted or not? How many people have you revealed to and what about them allowed you to take the chance? Were they acceptive? How long have they known you in your female persona? How many could you call from the jail in the middle of the night while dressed? And would you be fairly certain that they would actually come to help you?
Carolina
Carolina. I was a crossdresser for 60 years. My first wife found out about it and had an affair so we divorced. I told my second wife shortly after we started dating. She had not mentioned it since. That was 35 years ago. Two years ago I told her that I had been to gender therapy and that I was about to begin HRT. I also told my children. They were great about it and have been a big help in being able to talk about it. Because of our long relationship I do not go full time but I do get to go to my meetings and Dr's appointments en femme. My new friends and I go to dinner afterwards and have a good time. We get some weird looks. I like to think they are wondering how a 66 year old, 6'4" woman could be so beautiful....Bwahahahaha
I never thought about making a call from jail, en femme. I don't know who I would call. There is almost no chance of me ending up DUI, but some jerk could start problems for me. I had always thought about being in a wreck and ending up in the hospital ER, where I would end up in my birthday suit before anybody saw me. (My wife is coldly tolerant) Now I am thinking about getting in a minor fender bender and standing next a major road at 5:00! I'm sure my wife would come get me and probably take me home, but it would be a cold year after that.
I have never been out dressed but have been thinking about it lately. Been thinking about going to a gay bar that has drag shows and is 30 miles from my home. I would bring a change of clothes and if I had makeup on also bring some makeup remover. I want to wear a skimpy outfit just for the thrill of it - Maybe not all out fem but some short shorts that show some butt cheek, sandals, and a unisex top. Some of the cross dressers at the drag show strip down to their thongs so no one would be offended or shocked by the way I was dressed. I would change and get made up in the car and then change back before driving home. That would minimize the risk. I would not want to have to call someone to get me out of jail dressed like that and certainly not call my wife.
Dear CSD,
Yes, I had never thought about it either, until I saw her walk out of the holding cell. (And she did so with head held high and chest thrust out, I'm proud to say.) And I don't really go out dressed (closet!), but it got me to thinking about what I would do if I were in that situation. It's like we need a "HELP" button to a Susan's Angles Rescue Squad or something.
But on Gay Bars. Have a family member who has one a few hours away and spend some time there once and awhile -- as a straight guy. But its comfortable -- both for me as well as for those who attend in Drag. And the girls in drag seem to sort of watch out for each other, so I think that if you went, changed into Drag in the parking lot maybe, you'd quickly be accepted. (But maybe you might want to go in straight clothes the first time or two just to feel the place out and maybe talk to one of the dressed girls.)
Enjoy the adventure, wish I could go with you.
Carolina
Dear Carolina,
Yes I have been there before and it's a safe place. The only thing I worry about is running into someone I know and be seen with my butt hanging out lol. I am also in the closet and wish to stay that way. I doubt I would know anyone and if I did then they are there as well. I wish you could go with me. Be more fun and comfortable if I had someone to go with. I need to go in the next few weeks while it's still warm enough in Ohio to wear shorts
Kristi (CD name)
Hi Kristi,
Not flirting -- at least not much -- and maybe we're turning the thread into a chat, but I had a revelation about "being out safely" today. I've got a pontoon boat (I'm a few states away) and its on a large lake where there are almost no other boats around most of the time. And I realized I could carry on a bag with bikini & towel, bit of makeup with mirror and a swimcap and dress on the water. No one would ever be close enough to notice. I think I'll "go fishing" later this week.
Meanwhile, take care of yourself and I'd enjoy your updating me about your adventures if you want. You can probably find me somewhere in the membership list and there's probably a way to privately say hi without boring other people with our silliness.
Carolina
Carolina, Kristi
I don't find the little chat offensive or bothersome at all, but you can send private messages - click on the other's name on the left then look down for "Send PM" . I am not sure if there is a minimum number if posts needed for that feature though, there may be
Thanks Fiona,
You're a dear.
Carolina
I am not able to message anyone or see a profile. Not enough post I guess. So Carolina if you can private message me please do. I am here to make new friends.
My wife initially reacted negatively and concerned seriously. In 15 years, she is now very supportive of me, and my kids follow her. I mostly wear miniskirts in public, but tend to wear knee-high dresses when I teach at my university. I wear bikini in beaches with my family and friends. Some of my friends take photos for me. My teenage daughter like to play with my cosmetic and fashion items. Sometimes my wife took my skirts and dresses without getting my consent.
barbie~~
Carolina, I am very much like you. Married, closeted, mature (such a nice word for getting old), living in a DADT marriage. One of the biggest reasons that I go on this and a couple other forums and trans websites is that I've never told anyone other than my wife has been cosmetics sales associates and 4 women who I've done male to female transformation services with (over the last 20 years).
The fact that my true gender identity is such a secret has become a source of great consternation and loneliness for me. I continually scan my friendships for signs that it would be safe to tell, and yet, my full vulnerability in my marriage was so vehemently rejected that I am really, really scared to take that risk again. Once the words are said, they can't be taken back.
Related to siblings, my brothers would be the last people on earth I would tell something so important about who I am. They missed out on the sensitivity gene. Nancy
Yes Nancy, it is difficult, isn't it. In some ways I envy those whose need leads them towards transitioning, knowing that they ultimately will move through the world with (their gender identity at least) not hidden. But I do not wish to transition, I'm happy as a part time woman in this male body, enjoying being out for a little while then going back to my room. ("out" being a relative term, I'm using it in the sense of being "out" from the male body, not "out" in the larger world.) You are fortunate to have a wife who sounds like she is accepting, if not supportive.
And that's why I started the thread -- That sudden introspection of "what in the world would I do?" if I were to unexpectedly find myself in the position of that poor girl being released from jail. Who would be there for me?
Like you, I've also felt the desire to reveal to close friends and have -- in a few rare instances. For the most part they initially seemed to be supportive, but not really to the point of "socializing" with me when I'm feminized. Mostly a bit too much, I've found. Its almost as they could relate to a "boy in a dress" but not a "there's a girl here". And for the most part a new distance occurred in our previous friendships. For the most part. But there is one who I could call to say Help and I could be sure she would come to my rescue. (Of course the other part of that thought is "Be very, very careful when out in the large world").
So (again like you) I'm doing my socializing here at Susan's. I'm to the point that I recognize familiar names and avatars and delight in them (Oh Louise, where are you? Its been a little bit too long since you've signed on. I do hope you're ok.) (And Danielle. 70 pages on the Hunt? God, I'll never quite catch up on what's happened!) (Oh Barbie, what a lovely bikini photo. Oh, I'm so envious. Both for the "look" and for a friend that's a good photographer.)
And a virtual community begins to come into existence. I'm glad you're in it.
Carolina
Not to belabor the point (this is your thread after all :-)), but to describe Don't Ask/Don't Tell as "accepting" is way too generous! I actually think that "tolerate" might be too strong a word for how she feels about this part of me. I genuinely think she hates this part of me and would do away with it in the snap of a finger if she could (some days I would too).
Sometimes I regret ever telling her, but in our long marriage I did so in the service of several sincere pitches for her understanding. Where we are at now is that I refuse to hide clothing in a box in the garage, so she knows where my dresses and blouses hang in the closet and I've only worn feminine underwear for years. We don't talk about it, and we can be wonderful companions— as long as it doesn't come up. That's not acceptance... Nancy
Quote from: NancyBalik on September 25, 2018, 07:47:25 AMWe don't talk about it, and we can be wonderful companions— as long as it doesn't come up. That's not acceptance... Nancy
Many here would be grateful to have your wife's lack of acceptance.
My female alter keeps a letter from my trauma therapist in her purse at all times explaining my Dissociative Identity Disorder and that she may not not respond to my male name. She has used it once in 9 years and thousands of hours out and about living her life when she got caught in a speed trap about 3 years ago. The officer was more than accommodating after he read the letter. He treated my female alter with great tenderness, stayed with her for nearly an hour because she was crying her heart out over getting the ticket, and reassured her he would come to court to make sure the judge threw out the ticket. I was touched by the way he gently reminded her she shouldn't actually be driving as she is only "13."
My wife knows all about my female alter, the things she does and everywhere she goes. My female alter does not wear her clothes around my wife; neither she nor my wife want that. But I KNOW in an emergency, medical, car accident or arrest, I can count on my wife to see past what I am wearing to help me.
Quote from: Virginia on September 25, 2018, 12:48:39 PM
Many here would be grateful to have your wife's lack of acceptance.
What the ??? I hope you are joking...
Quote from: NancyBalik on September 25, 2018, 03:33:13 PM
What the ??? I hope you are joking...
Not joking. I do my best to be grateful for the things I have, not angry for what I do not. My situation with my wife isn't far from "Don't Ask, Don't Tell." But she hasn't left or filed for divorce, and has found a way to live with the the reality of my female alter for almost 10 years. Her love for me surpasses her feelings for the things my female alter does two days a week. And somehow one day at a time my wife finds a way to cope with the emptiness that comes from having a "companion" instead of a "husband." And I see this as a great blessing.
Okay—now I understand what you meant. You were suggesting that I (perhaps in comparison to those who have spouses who completely reject them or leave them over their dressing) am "blessed" to have a wife who will not talk with me about or acknowledge one of the most important aspects of who I am. Okay. Interesting take. There are many t-girls who have it much worse, that part I'm sure is true. I thought that you were implying that I had little reason to feel hurt and emotionally lonely in my marriage.
Exactly. I understand the hurt and loneliness. After 8 years of therapy my wife is just now realizing that healing doesn't mean I will return to being the person I was before my breakdown. I don't "genuinely think," my wife is painfully clear that she HATES my four other alters and couldn't be happier than if they went away forever. I do my best to remember this is no easier for her than it is for me. And that in spite of it all, we both CHOSE to stay married to each other.
Oh, Sisters. How difficult it all is. Our wives are deserving of great sympathy, at least those who entered the marital relationship unaware. Their expectation of the future did not include us. And in many cases even our expectation of the future did not include us. And yet, here we are.
I have had older gay friends who had been married, had children, and later discovered who they were. And off they went of course, into their new found world. I mean what else could they do? (And I think it is probably similar for those of us who feel a need to transition. For many that need is so strong that it cannot be denied.)
Still, I'm not sure that the possible destruction of our marriages because of whom we are is so very much different from the destruction of marriage by the "trophy wife" or "outgrowing one another". Marriages are such fragile things.
I smile when I remember a woman I once knew who had divorced her fairly decent sort of a somewhat alcoholic husband and went off with her teenaged kids. Several years later she was having coffee with me and shook her hair about the absurdity of it all. Turns out that the husband had been diagnosed with terminal cancer and had to go on medicaid and the only way to save his farm for inheritance by the kids was for her to remarry him, And she did, caring for him for a year or so while he died.
"Relationships!" (to quote Jimmy Buffet) "We all got them. We all want them. What are we we going to do with them?"
Well, for me, the maintaining of the relationship means I drive somewhat slower than I enjoy driving, I play my music somewhat quieter than I enjoy listening, and I wear my (otherwise hidden) lingerie and makeup somewhat less often that I enjoy wearing. But these are adjustments that I can make. Those gay guys I mentioned couldn't make that kind of adjustment. Nor can many of the sisters who feel a need to transition.
But my sort of a life does have its lonely moments. Which is why I love Susan's. (commercial pitch, remember to tip Susan a little bit once and awhile. Its good to have the doors open at her place.)
Carolina
Simply beautiful, Carolina.
Quote from: csd67 on September 14, 2018, 05:51:46 AM
I am not able to message anyone or see a profile. Not enough post I guess. So Carolina if you can private message me please do. I am here to make new friends.
Ditto!
I just found this place tonight and have been hanging out here for hours now! I'm so stoked to see that it is so active.
Dear Sisters, I am so happy to find this thread and to feel how supportive everyone is of each other. There is so much to say but I think I'll save that for another time.
Carolina,
Your comment about being a part-time woman struck a chord with me because that's exactly how I describe myself. I'm proud of being part-time, and at this point in my life, I have no desire to change. I actually do a workshop every year at the Keystone Conference in Harrisburg, PA titled: Making the the Most of Part-Time Womanhood. It is always well-received, and judging by the attendance, lots of other girls feel the same way.
I sympathize with everyone's issues in this thread, and I know how difficult it can be to come out of the closet, but I highly recommend to anyone who can make it happen, to express your inner woman in a public way. Coming out is hard, the hardest thing I ever tried to do in fact, but I can't tell you how fulfilling it is to freely express the feminine half of my personality.
My wife is very supportive, even though accompanying me out in public isn't her favorite thing in the world to do. But she would come to my rescue if I needed rescuing, so I count myself extremely fortunate.
I hope all of you find a way to express your femininity in a meaningful and fulfilling way, and I also hope you have a friend or loved one who would come to your rescue when you needed it.
Hugs,
Sally