This is the question that has been on my mind lately. I will start by saying first and foremost that I feel like my gender identity is female. Throughout my life, I always felt strongly that that is what I want to be seen as rather than male.
Now that I am in a place in my life where I have been consistently living as "female," I often feel the same type of restriction that I felt when I was trying to stuff down the fact that I even had these feelings in the first place.
This now gets me questioning the significance of gender. I feel like gender roles such as masculinity and femininity are both very restricting for me personally. I see myself as a free spirit for the most part. I identify as female but I don't feel like that identity should have to be the totality of who I am.
Does anyone else here have similar questions about gender or have come to a similar place in their journey?
My therapist said on numerous occasions that my transition does not change me from one person to another; I'm still me. I can still have the same likes and dislikes; I can have the same personality; I can have the same sense of humor, etc. I can still like mafia movies like The Godfather and Goodfellas. I can still enjoy grilling on a barbecue pit. I don't have to stop liking the color blue and start loving the color pink just because I'm MtF. I'm still me. I can also enjoy the feminine things that I've always wanted but never allowed myself, such as makeup, lipstick, or as silly as this sounds, listening to music like Britney Spears. That is one thing my therapist is helping me realize is that I don't have to "fit" into any "box," male or female; that it is ok to just be me.
While I have always felt at least somewhat female on the inside, I have often wondered if I'm a woman born in the wrong body or if I'm a man who merely wants to be a woman. I too have always wanted to live as female, but my masculinity sometimes gets in the way. I believe that this masculinity does not necessarily stem from who I am, but rather from my living my entire life as a male. I think of it like being in prison so long that incarceration eventually becomes all that person knows. For me, living as a male is all I have known, so I expect to still have some male behaviors or thoughts despite my transition. On the other hand, as I slowly transition into who I am, I am slowly learning to release my own femininity that has been repressed for so many years.
I don't know if any of this helps, but I wish you all the very best! Hugs!!!
Danielle
Quote from: Danielle Kristina on September 09, 2018, 04:24:45 PM
My therapist said on numerous occasions that my transition does not change me from one person to another; I'm still me. I can still have the same likes and dislikes; I can have the same personality; I can have the same sense of humor, etc. I can still like mafia movies like The Godfather and Goodfellas. I can still enjoy grilling on a barbecue pit. I don't have to stop liking the color blue and start loving the color pink just because I'm MtF. I'm still me. I can also enjoy the feminine things that I've always wanted but never allowed myself, such as makeup, lipstick, or as silly as this sounds, listening to music like Britney Spears. That is one thing my therapist is helping me realize is that I don't have to "fit" into any "box," male or female; that it is ok to just be me.
While I have always felt at least somewhat female on the inside, I have often wondered if I'm a woman born in the wrong body or if I'm a man who merely wants to be a woman. I too have always wanted to live as female, but my masculinity sometimes gets in the way. I believe that this masculinity does not necessarily stem from who I am, but rather from my living my entire life as a male. I think of it like being in prison so long that incarceration eventually becomes all that person knows. For me, living as a male is all I have known, so I expect to still have some male behaviors or thoughts despite my transition. On the other hand, as I slowly transition into who I am, I am slowly learning to release my own femininity that has been repressed for so many years.
I don't know if any of this helps, but I wish you all the very best! Hugs!!!
Danielle
@Danielle Kristina - I feel exactly the same way as you've described above. I'm also conscious of not forcing any femme characteristics before I naturally feel them. Embrace the new things but never lose yourself to them.
The longer I have been 'transitioning' the more I've realised that I'm a combination of both female and male character, possibly from having lived so long as male but I'm not going to force myself to reject it.
Sonja
I agree with Danielle.
The only restrictions I felt when I was trying to live as a male were self-imposed. Now as myself, I no longer restrict myself, and I am loving the liberation. I can wear a swishy skirt and sparkly earrings one day to go the the theatre, and wear kevlar chaps and a hard hat the next day to do some chainsawing. I am still a volunteer firefighter and don't mind teaching the men if that is what is needed.
I feel that I am female, and I prefer to associate with other females. I am learning how to interact with women as a woman. But I don't let myself be confined by anyone's gender role. I still have many of the same interests that I did as a "man", and now I have added some new ones.
You don't have to let your gender identity be the totality of who you are. I am sure that you are a multi-dimensional individual. Let it all shine!
The only masculine thing I've ever done or was able to get myself to remotely do was shave my face... It wasn't even because I enjoyed doing it but I had to.
I didn't necessarily feel resitrcited as a male I just felt dull. Like everything was out of my hands. I still say the same things, have the same humor and even feel the need to be modest... Yes, with clothing I'm not very modest sometimes. But I'm very shy in social settings. Guys always ask if I'm "scared" which I hate because I'm judged for being reserved. I was always reserved but no one cared before anyway.
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Quote from: CosmicJoke on September 09, 2018, 04:11:07 PM
This is the question that has been on my mind lately. I will start by saying first and foremost that I feel like my gender identity is female. Throughout my life, I always felt strongly that that is what I want to be seen as rather than male.
Now that I am in a place in my life where I have been consistently living as "female," I often feel the same type of restriction that I felt when I was trying to stuff down the fact that I even had these feelings in the first place.
This now gets me questioning the significance of gender. I feel like gender roles such as masculinity and femininity are both very restricting for me personally. I see myself as a free spirit for the most part. I identify as female but I don't feel like that identity should have to be the totality of who I am.
Does anyone else here have similar questions about gender or have come to a similar place in their journey?
I agree. 'gender' outside of the physical aspects isn't binary to me. I am me. I'm mostly female and choose to live that way but I wouldn't identify as purely so. In my opinion the boxes we call 'gender' are way too limited and I choose to not be in either. :p
I feel similarly. Despite my femme-looking avatar, I present most often as male or as a man wearing women's clothing (that is, no makeup, not trying to hide my male essence). Growing up as a male leaves an indelible imprint and it would be foolish to try to discard all of it. But I am trying to tone down my assumption of male privilege and be more caring of others and their needs.
It can be tricky to live non-binary and I'm not yet sure if this is truly me, or if I'm just walking slowly down the path toward transition. I will say that society has a harder time accepting non-binary me than when I present fully one direction or the other. The other day I went to the grocery store in male-wearing-female-clothing mode and got my first ever evil look, from a 30-something guy. He even ducked into a side aisle so he could watch me walk by. I looked him in the eye both times, so I owned it, but nevertheless -- I've never had that when presenting fully female.
Be you! Randy
Quote from: Sonja on September 09, 2018, 04:44:00 PM
@Danielle Kristina - I feel exactly the same way as you've described above. I'm also conscious of not forcing any femme characteristics before I naturally feel them. Embrace the new things but never lose yourself to them.
The longer I have been 'transitioning' the more I've realised that I'm a combination of both female and male character, possibly from having lived so long as male but I'm not going to force myself to reject it.
Sonja
@ Sonja
As I stated earlier in my post I wondered if I were a woman in the wrong body or if I were a man who just wanted to be a woman. I had gneder therapy today and that was one of the questions I was going to ask her. I never got around to asking her, but as it turned out I didn't have to. Without ever asking her, she looked at me and told me that I'm a woman. Of course, she arrived at this after many hours of therapy together and discussing my feelings about my gender, and so on. SInce then I've felt like my question has been answered. Sure, I've got some masucline qualities and behaviors, but so do many heterosexual ciswomen. I am who I am and that's ok. I'm ok with being a woman, at least on the inside. It makes me that much more confident about my transition. I love that the longer I explore my gender and continue my transition, the better I get to know and be myself.
Hugs!!
Danielle
Quote from: Danielle Kristina on September 10, 2018, 09:24:41 PM
@ Sonja
As I stated earlier in my post I wondered if I were a woman in the wrong body or if I were a man who just wanted to be a woman. I had gneder therapy today and that was one of the questions I was going to ask her. I never got around to asking her, but as it turned out I didn't have to. Without ever asking her, she looked at me and told me that I'm a woman. Of course, she arrived at this after many hours of therapy together and discussing my feelings about my gender, and so on. SInce then I've felt like my question has been answered. Sure, I've got some masucline qualities and behaviors, but so do many heterosexual ciswomen. I am who I am and that's ok. I'm ok with being a woman, at least on the inside. It makes me that much more confident about my transition. I love that the longer I explore my gender and continue my transition, the better I get to know and be myself.
Hugs!!
Danielle
One of the greatest lessons I've learned this past year is that transition isn't journey to set destination or gender, its a voyage of self discovery. :) Its good to know that others feel this way as well.
Quote from: krobinson103 on September 09, 2018, 11:09:39 PM
I agree. 'gender' outside of the physical aspects isn't binary to me. I am me. I'm mostly female and choose to live that way but I wouldn't identify as purely so. In my opinion the boxes we call 'gender' are way too limited and I choose to not be in either. :p
Quote from: Danielle Kristina on September 10, 2018, 09:24:41 PM
Sure, I've got some masucline qualities and behaviors, but so do many heterosexual ciswomen. I am who I am and that's ok. I'm ok with being a woman, at least on the inside. It makes me that much more confident about my transition. I love that the longer I explore my gender and continue my transition, the better I get to know and be myself.
Hugs!!
Danielle
Yes Kelly, I agree the boxes are too limited. I am certainly over 95% female but not absolutely so. I know I am a woman and always have been despite having only been in therapy and on HRT 11 & 7 months respectively.
Yes Danielle I also do not intend to dispense against my will with my male interests (if there even is such a thing) or my male traits until the time I may wish to. Gender Identity is innate; I just know I am female coincidentally possessing some male traits due to force of habit or imposition by society. However because I know I am female, that gives me great confidence for my public transition in 2019.
Hugs
Pamela
Quote from: CosmicJoke on September 09, 2018, 04:11:07 PM
This is the question that has been on my mind lately. I will start by saying first and foremost that I feel like my gender identity is female. Throughout my life, I always felt strongly that that is what I want to be seen as rather than male.
Now that I am in a place in my life where I have been consistently living as "female," I often feel the same type of restriction that I felt when I was trying to stuff down the fact that I even had these feelings in the first place.
This now gets me questioning the significance of gender. I feel like gender roles such as masculinity and femininity are both very restricting for me personally. I see myself as a free spirit for the most part. I identify as female but I don't feel like that identity should have to be the totality of who I am.
Does anyone else here have similar questions about gender or have come to a similar place in their journey?
This is an interesting post. It's something I have thought about a lot. I tend to see it in this way. Suppose you are an artist, and you have a blank canvas. And someone asks you to paint a picture which best represents your life. The first choice you have is how you arrange the canvas. This, I feel, is how you feel with regard to your gender. You can have the canvas as a portrait, or a landscape or as somewhere in between, or even alternating between the two as you paint the picture.
Your life is the picture you paint. It's the colours you use, the brush strokes you paint. That choice is entirely up to you. The picture you paint is entirely based on how you feel, what you want, how you feel your life is and the way you want it to be. The canvas this picture is painted on, this is your gender. It's who you are. It's the foundation for the masterpiece of your life to be forever captured on.
Trying to paint a landscape painting on a portrait canvas doesn't work. And nor does it work the other way round. The dimensions are wrong. There isn't enough space in one area or another to show the life you feel you need to show. So to rectify that, you change the canvas. You DON'T change the picture. The significance of gender is the foundation for your life as an individual. Nothing more than that. It can influence the picture you paint, sure. You may be able to fill in more horizontal or vertical, based on percieved gender stereotypes or roles which you feel you identify with. As much as sometimes we feel that they shouldn't be a thing... they are, and some people take comfort in being able to say "Yes I feel that too".
But it doesn't ultimately change the freedom each of us have to choose which colours to use. Which picture to paint. Which...
magnum opus to leave for the world after we are gone. That is a choice each of us gets to make for ourselves. :)