This is a question which at its heart is what gives me doubts.
Do some trans people not know they are trans at all as kids only to slowly realize this as adults? Do some people experience dysphoria as a seemingly random depression with no apparant source until they start to see patterns later in adulthood?
I didn't realize it until about a year ago, and now I'm 36. There were always signs now that I look back but back then they just didn't add up.
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I always felt myself different and weird, but didn't knew why and there wasn't info about transgenders so I learned about us quite recently.
I too knew that I was different, but I didn't know I was transgender until a few months ago and I'm 37. I've always wanted to be female, but I kept that very much to myself - so deep down that I even denied it to myself! Still, my femininity was always there. It wasn't until April of this year that suddenly my feminine feelings grew so strong that I could no longer keep them repressed. Wondering what was going on I began exploring my gender through sharing here on the forum as well as meeting with a gender therapist. Now I know I'm transgender. Knowing this, so much of my past makes more sense. I know now that I've been trans my whole life - I just didn't always know it.
Danielle
Quote from: Sam1066 on September 17, 2018, 05:46:48 PM
Do some trans people not know they are trans at all as kids only to slowly realize this as adults? Do some people experience dysphoria as a seemingly random depression with no apparent source until they start to see patterns later in adulthood?
that pretty much sums me up. I came out to myself in a big rush almost 1 year ago. I'm 58.
Quote from: Sam1066 on September 17, 2018, 05:46:48 PM
This is a question which at its heart is what gives me doubts.
Do some trans people not know they are trans at all as kids only to slowly realize this as adults? Do some people experience dysphoria as a seemingly random depression with no apparant source until they start to see patterns later in adulthood?
Sweetie, some people don't know
anything as kids. For some people, the most they get is a feeling of "wrongness". A feeling of being out of place. But as a kid, sometimes there is so much going into our heads at once that we can't make head nor tail of what that means. And feeling out of place can be attributed to other stuff. All the feelings of being trans can be attributed to just feeling ostracised and like you just don't get people, and people don't get you.
It's often only as we grow into adults that we really have the self awareness to explore what these feelings mean and what we can do about them. Once we get out of that messy stage of life being a giant popularity contest.
Some people do know as kids. Some people know as soon as they can first talk and verbalise how they feel. That's very real. But many, many people don't. Or don't know what's causing the way they feel, sweetie. And not having this concrete idea in your head, at the age of like 4 years old, is absolutely no indicator of who you are. You know when you know.
What matters is what you do once you know, not when you know. *hugs*
I frequently felt awkward, weird, and depressed as a kid, but I came to blame that on my resistance to the religious culture I was raised in. Now, I think a lot of that was also gender dysphoria that I didn't know how to acknowledge.
I knew I was "different" in ways that others could never know and I would not tell them...I didn't know what was "wrong" with me except from what I gleaned from books, movies and TV. In the 60-70's when I grew up LGBT were being hammered in every way and it most places we were all see as the same and were outlawed in some cases. Growing up with the feelings I had made me think I was some kind of pervert and it was reinforced daily by society. As a kid I had to make my feeling work in a hostile environment...I was probably 18 by the time I was "diagnosed" and up until this point I never had a name for the way I felt. Also being a kid is fulltime job where you and your body are in a constant state of flux. Not being able to put a name to the way you felt does not change whether or not you are trans it just means you didn't know. :)
Take care
Liz
We are all different. Some know. Other's don't and can only put the pieces of the puzzle together much later.
For me I "Knew" as much as a 4 year old could at the age of 4. Was actually convinced that everyone made a mistake and one day they would realize it and apologize to me for making such a mistake. I then realized I had the wrong parts at 7 and everything turned depressing. Depression turned to a complete tornado of holy crap at age 11 and....
I buried it.
Realized it again and "Knew" a hell of a lot more at age 14 and 15 when I was cross dressing any chance I could get and actually got some support from my best friend and her family at the time... Then my family found out and I buried it all again.
It came back out at age 19 under other circumstances... and then I buried it.
It came back again at age 23.... Then I buried it. That last time it stayed completely buried under a pile of memory blocks and excuses and lies for 20 years!
Then came the "Gender-Bomb" and now here I am! <3 Hi!
Everyone's journey is different... And none are more valid than another as long as your story is true to yourself. Bask in the truth of who you are no matter who that may be! One life is too short to "bury" before it's time. Trust me, I know!
/Hug!
I Certainly didn't know it as transgender way back then, but as far back as I remember, I always wanted to be a girl. Took me 50 years to figure out that it was because I am one.
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I always felt wrong living as a boy, but I couldn't know I was transgender back then since we had little to no visibility... and being different meant that a lot of bullies came to me, bullying me for my feminine personality, telling me I'm ''gay'', alienating me in the process, that I'm wrong... ??? They are the ones in the wrong!! >:(
That left lasting damage, as I was trying to be ''normal'' to avoid these situations, and went low profile... That continued all the way through my teen years up to early adulthood... When puberty kicked in and T went high was the worst, feeling VERY out of place but still couldn't pinpoint what it was (it was gender dysphoria). I felt suicidal and hated everything I did and had to do as a male teen. :'(
I remember throwing tantrums when I had my first stubble, that I didn't want it.
I had a constant reminder that I wasn't born my gender through dreams (60% being female), and all these opposite gender dreams felt very... nostalgic? These were very magical moments... but I would wake up feeling dysphoric.
It was only in my late 20's that I learned transgender were a thing, and every article I read about them were spot on on how I felt during my childhood. From there I had another gender identity crisis, but a good one this time! ;)
With LGBT being very visible nowadays, and resources to help the LGBT youth, our young brothers and sisters will know at earlier age than we did... I would've totally blocked my puberty hormones back then if I could have! ... I envy them.
Quote from: Sam1066 on September 17, 2018, 05:46:48 PM
This is a question which at its heart is what gives me doubts.
Do some trans people not know they are trans at all as kids only to slowly realize this as adults? Do some people experience dysphoria as a seemingly random depression with no apparant source until they start to see patterns later in adulthood?
As you can tell from the replies, this is
very common. I felt an awkwardness that made me feel like a misfit, from an early age. I didn't know that transgender was a thing. I daydreamed about being a girl, and I knew it was something I should not talk about with anyone, but I didn't know that that made me trans. In hindsight, I see lots of signs like that, that make sense now but didn't at the time.
I didn't even start to wonder about the possibility of being trans until I was in my late 30s at the earliest, and even then, I was in denial and talked myself out of it for years.
My observation just from reading members' stories here is that
most of us didn't figure it out when we were kids.
I suppose I might be another exception.
I remember being extremely mad at my Mom for "not being born a boy" when I was 7 years old, and having tantrums that she "fix" it.
For many years, I pretended like I was female, and I even came to accept that "nothing can be done." Boy was I wrong! I found out in 2014 that there was a actual name for what I am. Transgender.
Now, I'm almost 22 months on testosterone, and happily going through Second Puberty. My beard is filling in, my voice had dropped to where it should have during my first puberty, and my muscles are growing even though I'm a couch (internet?) potato. :)
I couldn't be happier! :D
Ryuichi
I was born in 1951. Transgender was not even a word until the mid 80's early 90's. We were ->-bleeped-<-s or other derogatory words. I knew I was different. I know I enjoyed wearing my sisters clothes. I know I spent many nights praying to be a girl. So why did I get married, divorced and married again and having two kids. Why did I have a career where there was nothing to hide or fear of being found out. Because I let others decide for me and I went with the flow. Until I could no longer. The last two years have been the best in my life.
Quote from: DawnOday on September 17, 2018, 10:10:27 PM
I was born in 1951. Transgender was not even a word until the mid 80's early 90's. We were ->-bleeped-<-s or other derogatory words. I knew I was different. I know I enjoyed wearing my sisters clothes. I know I spent many nights praying to be a girl. So why did I get married, divorced and married again and having two kids. Why did I have a career where there was nothing to hide or fear of being found out. Because I let others decide for me and I went with the flow. Until I could no longer. The last two years have been the best in my life.
I can relate. I was born in 1962. I never heard the term "transgender" until 2014 while at an anime convention.
I too let others tell me to "do the normal stuff," like get married, have a career and have a kid. I did all that.
But I still felt as if I was in the wrong body. I used to tell that to my friends and family all the time. I even dressed androgynous, wearing t-shirts, jeans and converses most of my life. It was a fight to get me to wear a dress. The last dress I wore was to my brother's wedding about seven years ago. That same brother was the one I first came out to.
Now, even though we're scattered all over the US and even in Japan, my family is getting used to the idea that I'm no longer pretending to be female. Some have accepted it, and some have not. I was told by both my kid and one of my siblings "oh, that explains a lot" when I came out to them. And yet, another sibling I am no longer speaking to because they flat-out refused to accept the real me. It still amazes me that my kid saw when most of my siblings didn't.
The thing is, I haven't changed, their
view of who I am as a person is what changed. I'm happy with my body and the way I look for the first time in my life! No more wearing hoodies in 90F temperatures to hide my unwanted female chest, thanks to a binder, I now flaunt my muscles (and slight pot belly!) ;)
Not everyone will make the realization that you haven't changed from when you were a child. Not everyone noticed that you were/are transgender. Not everyone knew when they were a kid. And not everyone knew when they were a teen or even a young adult. Some people are finally figuring it out late in life, and much like myself, are taking the steps to make themselves into their true selves.
To them, that's the important thing. Becoming their true, and often much more self-satisfied selves.
Ryuichi
As a kid growing up in the 60s I just thought of it as being Gay and wanting to take on the role of a woman in dating and sexual fantasies/scenarios. The idea of people actually changing their gender didn't really come onto my radar until the 90s with a movie called The Crying Game and also they were starting to show documentaries on public television about transgender women and there were stories on shows like Dateline and also The Jerry Springer Show frequently showcased sensational "outings" of transgender people on a regular basis. But even then the prevalent attitude was that we were freakish, perverted, rare, isolated, depraved and just wrong in every way. The idea of a transgender community that could actually support me in real life - I wasn't aware of that until around the time I started to transition.
I didn't realise transgender was what I was. I remember as a kid being sort of conditioned out of doing things by my parents saying things like 'only girls do that' when I was under age 9. They were trying to protect my from the masculine culture that eventually targetted me anyway in middle school, for being more feminine without realising it (not into sports, not into cars, not being overly sexually active, etc.). I understand your question and have been in your position. Look deep within your memories, even unsuppress some, and you'll find it in your past. It just probably didn't register at the time. Like me stealing my sister's Seventeen magazines to read and return ;)
Then some months ago it was like an epiphany (defined as a moment of realisation, in this case of self-realisation).
I was born in 1957 in the UK. I knew I wasn't like other boys but hid it well, I did boy stuff to blend in. I was bullied up to 13 when I learned to defend myself, by then I was dressing in private but was a brat who was drinking regularly & in fights most of the time.It wasn't til I was 21 I knew for sure, the past was like a jigsaw puzzle were all the pieces fit. I knew then why I didn't like boys haircuts, little interest in sport, was unable to keep a girlfriend, etc. By then i was drunk most nights & taking the edge of dysphoria with speed, weed & coke.It took 11 more years before I did something, started self medicating, grew my hair out from a DA, started electrolysis, dialled my drinking back & occasionally used drugs before going full time in 1991 shortly before my 34th birthday
I was a 90s kid
I knew that, i didnt want to be a man, i knew that it was wrong, didnt necessarily realize that it meant i was Transgender, decided not transition for awhile, but i now realize that i was only delaying the inevitable for myself atleast...
I am now 32 and only just now talking about starting to transition i kept it bottled up inside for many years
Personally I always felt / knew I should have been a girl. I also learned very early that it was not acceptable to society, not even other kids. I kept my deep desires secret often even to myself. When the disphoria surfaced though, it tended to be quite intense. I almost told my mom when I was a teenager. Almost. :( I then managed to suppress it mostly again for some time. At least consciously I did to myself. I used being a social recluse and workaholic to escape my disphoria for a long time. I know plenty of others who ended up abusing drugs or very commonly alcohol. Seems escapism is very common as we try to escape our true selves.
Being on Susan's i have noticed those who did not know when they were kids tend to still have similar experiences growing up. Some who had really hard times on here with coming to terms with it, have shared experiences growing up that we all tend to mirror. Sometimes the denial and repression / shame is so strong you don't put the pieces together until well into adulthood.
I've known since the age of three, since my sister was born, only started transitioning at the age of 43 though. But gender dysphoria never manifested itself in me as depression.
I knew I was a guy until my chest started growing. I got depressed for many years. Did not know transgender existed.
Tony
I knew at twelve. Couldn't do anything about it for 32 years... but I knew very well what was needed.
I may have, but I did not have the information or terminology to understand it. I always felt an affinity for women in additional ways my peers did not. It was not until my 20s that I suspected I might be a woman and then I was convinced that I would have to stick it out presenting as a man with many feminine traits.
Later I came to believe I could transition.
Thank you everyone for your responses!
It is good to know that I'm not the only one! It sounds like some people know right away and some dont.
I knew I wished I had been born a girl, then I suppressed it and didn't think about it until I was over 30. There were other little signs that things were off which I attributed to personality differences, like how I would always sit corsslegged like a girl as a kid, and had to retrain myself so as not to stand out.
The vast majority of stories I see in the media about trans people are individuals who knew as soon as they could talk, cross dressed before middle school, and came out to their parents as soon as they knew the words to do so. That kinda made it feel like i was just weird or crazy. Thanks so much for the validation!
I had "random depression" my whole life mostly around social situations and especially when I would talk to cis-girls. The more I dig in, the more that feels like it could be related to all of this, since exploring this box I haven't felt this feelings hardly at all! So... there's that. Has anyone had that experience?
Quote from: Sam1066 on September 18, 2018, 01:53:37 PM
Thank you everyone for your responses!
It is good to know that I'm not the only one! It sounds like some people know right away and some dont.
I knew I wished I had been born a girl, then I suppressed it and didn't think about it until I was over 30. There were other little signs that things were off which I attributed to personality differences, like how I would always sit corsslegged like a girl as a kid, and had to retrain myself so as not to stand out.
The vast majority of stories I see in the media about trans people are individuals who knew as soon as they could talk, cross dressed before middle school, and came out to their parents as soon as they knew the words to do so. That kinda made it feel like i was just weird or crazy. Thanks so much for the validation!
I had "random depression" my whole life mostly around social situations and especially when I would talk to cis-girls. The more I dig in, the more that feels like it could be related to all of this, since exploring this box I haven't felt this feelings hardly at all! So... there's that. Has anyone had that experience?
As time went on I experienced intense jealousy towards women simply for being female. I felt that the world was unfair. As soon as I started transition that all went away.
I didn't have a label for it until later in life but I've always known since I was 2 years old. But I am sure everyone's experience is different. I don't think it makes you more or less of a woman inside based on when you realised these feelings. I've been reading none stop about other people's experiences for the last 4 days trying to find something that relates to my experience. I eventually found two people who identify with me and I can identify with their experience. There is an awful lot of people on these forums and a lot of posts... not just this forum but other ones too. So 2 out of how many? All it demonstrates is that there is a multitude of different routes that people take to realisation.
As I said, I've always known... does that make me lucky or more unfortunate that I never did anything about it? I don't know. I am trying to work it out on why I can't put the genie back in the bottle anymore. Why I can no longer ignore it and why now.
But everyone is unique... it doesn't make everyone wrong.
Quote from: Sam1066 on September 18, 2018, 01:53:37 PM
There were other little signs that things were off which I attributed to personality differences, like how I would always sit corsslegged like a girl as a kid, and had to retrain myself so as not to stand out.
That made me smile. I never stopped sitting cross legged. It never occurred to me as being anything other than natural. I wonder if people judged me because of it. Might explain why I never got many job offers from interviews.