Dear cisgender people;
Getting repeatedly misgendered, even if somehow innocently, at this stage of transition is both a real kick in the teeth, and a nasty reality check.
Between misgendering and all the other daily microaggressions, I'm not sure if I will ever pass.
I may have been too open and trusting of others. Woodworking, the old relocate and disappear into the woodwork gag, is looking more and more appealing every day.
Some people who know of my past are stuck on thinking of me as a man in a dress. I was never a man, although I could fake it well enough to pass after a few decades of work. The world provides some hellish incentives to fake it well and master suppressing ourselves.
Faking it so long is emotionally and psychologically damaging, of course. I'm healing slowly from that. It has taken me a very long time to accept myself and move forward with dropping the disguise and being my authentic self.
When one of us is misgendered, it is a hammer blow, telling us we are failures, not working hard enough, and condemned to this living hell of being seen as something we are not.
To one of us, your casual "oops" moment has an impact far greater than the intent.
And no, the "fix" is not for me to "man up" or "grow a pair". That is not me.
All I can do is work even harder at tracking down the last vestiges of "him" and ripping them out, while remaining true to myself and not becoming a caricature. Others, on the other hand, can excuse callous behavior with a casual "oops" and a hand wave, and continue being casually offensive.
No big deal, right? "Sorry if I invalidated your identity, no biggie, I'll try to not do it again in the next few minutes." While thinking "Damn, what does he want? We put up with him wearing a dress, and didn't use any of those offensive names for him. We are doing everything possible!"
See, this isn't really being accepting. First, I am not and never was a man. Yes, this body had some male characteristics, but that didn't match at all well with what was in my brain, where the primitive bits in the brain-body interface grew to run a female body. I'm a woman who was stuck with a male shell.
I tried my best to get along in that but the distress from the mismatch became too much. Medically necessary treatments are bringing my body in line with the control systems in my brain.
Second, I am now legally and medically a woman. My anatomy is typical of a woman post-hysterectomy with cervical closure. My blood chemistry is that of a post-menopausal woman on long term hormone replacement therapy. My Kaiser card says "Gender: F". My birth certificate says "Female". My passport says "Female". Even the mighty DMV says "SEX F".
I have gone to a great deal of trouble to comply with this culture's demands. With all due respect, what is wrong with you who casually call me a man?
Third, the issue of male privilege is something that comes up particularly in women's spaces.
When I was faking being a man, I had a passing acquaintance with male privilege. I was at the bottom of the pecking order as a wimpy effeminate introvert. I had to constantly be on guard lest I be caught out as a femme mind in that body, as the retribution would be swift and violent.
I tried to leave the assumption of my minimal male privilege behind as I transitioned to living as my authentic self. I do realize that I had a different experience than natal women growing up, but I do know what it is to be assaulted, harassed based on perceived sexuality, and have experienced "victim blaming" and "boys will be boys" (not me, my attackers) first hand.
I am me. I am a woman. My path to womanhood is more complex than most, but I am a woman.
Please don't casually negate my identity. Please, make the tiniest effort to recognize me.
Thank you.
Michelle,
Your thoughts and feelings are well articulated here in this post. I can only agree with them and commiserate with you. I cannot say I have your life experiences to the extent you have. Some of these if not all I am still likely to experience myself. Your pain is palpable in your words. I feel it.
There is one problem with it though. Your target audience isn't here. Your words need to be put somewhere where they may do more good. I am wondering where you will submit them to be published? They need to be seen.
Hugs,
Laurie
This is more of a rehearsal than anything else. I thought I'd throw this out there and see what feedback occurred.
Where I wind up publishing this, or more likely a 2.0 version, is still up in the air.
This speaks of the hesitancy I have going full time. Knowing that my past is always in someone's memory. I asked a gal pal if she thought that there was a chance I could pass. She said yes, for others, but if anyone that has known you, they will have a hard time seeing you as female. My wife just yesterday during a long waited for conversation, told me she would be difficult to see me other than a guy. That will be a work in progress for me.
So woodworking is a possible solution for those that are willing to leave it all behind. Sometimes that's the best. For some it isn't worth it to throw it all to the wind.
Hugs and smiles from another California girl
Michelle & Jessica;
The problem with pasts is that they suck. People will always hold on to what they think they remember, whether the memories are accurate or visions.
Not to add to your dilemma, but I now find myself in the position of having to decide which is the better route; transition in place, and deal with memories - or make a fresh start.
My initial desire is to transition in place. Time will tell if that is possible.
I'm with you sister.
Kate
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What I find most interesting is that the folks who misgender me never knew "him", but do know that I am trans.
I suspect their idea of a trans woman is a guy in a dress, and that is what they assume I am. Some education would appear to be needed.
I agree with you it used to not bother me being misgendered at first because I was just getting started. Now that I've suffered through blood, sweat and tears and worked very hard on my presentation and drained my savings getting laser hair removal, hair transplant surgery and legally changed my name and gender it really hurts when my presentation isn't perfectly on point some days and I get misgendered. One older lady at the Clinique counter the other day refused to use she/her pronouns and made no effort to validate my identity. I pulled her aside and said look I don't appreciate your passive aggressive attitude towards me. I'm not a he or a him so knock that ->-bleeped-<- off before I go have a chat with your manager about you.
The phone is the worst right now because I can't rely on my presentation to give me a pass on my voice. I've done speech therapy and I'm decently good at doing an androgynous voice but I frequently get misgendered on the phone almost constantly. I'm actually doing a consult with Dr. Spiegel next month he does a modified Wendler technique to feminize the voice and it has very good results and high success rate. I'm going to probably do some facial work with him at the same time and I'm confident I'll be able to go stealth when I'm done with the procedures. I already pass visually pretty well not 100% of the time so I think FFS and voice feminization will make me pass all the time. I know that's not an option for everyone and we shouldn't have to do that but if you're able to and it works why not... I feel like I'll finally feel at peace when I don't have to try at all and I'm accepted as my gender.
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Here's a big hug for the hurt you've received.
I've experienced misgendering from both sides of the fence. As a young man, people frequently used Miss or Ma'am on me. As an old broad, they sometimes use Sir or Mister on me. I understand the anger you feel, but the old adage remains true: "You catch more flies with honey than vinegar". Gentle corrections work better than angry outbursts. I can verify that, because I've used both approaches. ;) >:-) :laugh:
You're right about removing all the male cues. Your presentation needs to be bulletproof in all regards. If you give off any essence of being a man, and you're wearing a dress, well, that is the assumption that people are going to draw. The enlightened will understand, and try to respect you. Those who are less enlightened will go with what is comfortable for them. The ignorant, well, that's self explanatory. People who have decades of knowing you as a male will struggle with the switch, and will fall into one of the three camps I just listed.
Deep in your heart, you know who you are. You mustn't let others decide your happiness for you. Your happy place is being a woman. Be there, be you, and be happy. :)
Hugs, Devlyn
Quote from: Michelle_P on September 25, 2018, 11:51:20 PM
What I find most interesting is that the folks who misgender me never knew "him", but do know that I am trans.
I suspect their idea of a trans woman is a guy in a dress, and that is what they assume I am. Some education would appear to be needed.
The problem with trying to educate people is that the other side is trying to educate (propagandize) people too... still haven't figured a way to deal with that.
again, sorry for the hurt and distress this has caused.
I've had several occasions where I would be talking and reference someone, typically with photo, and everything was she until the trans term came up. It immediately switched to he. Even in my accepting circle, there is a brain shift as soon as 'trans' comes up.
It's unfortunate and hurtful, obviously more education is necessary. After that, it takes time to undo a lifetime of brainwashing.
disclaimer:I don't talk randomly to anyone about anyone else, it's only with a trusted few that know about me.
Quote from: Devlyn on September 26, 2018, 05:52:18 AM
Here's a big hug for the hurt you've received.
I've experienced misgendering from both sides of the fence. As a young man, people frequently used Miss or Ma'am on me. As an old broad, they sometimes use Sir or Mister on me. I understand the anger you feel, but the old adage remains true: "You catch more flies with honey than vinegar". Gentle corrections work better than angry outbursts. I can verify that, because I've used both approaches. ;) >:-) :laugh:
You're right about removing all the male cues. Your presentation needs to be bulletproof in all regards. If you give off any essence of being a man, and you're wearing a dress, well, that is the assumption that people are going to draw. The enlightened will understand, and try to respect you. Those who are less enlightened will go with what is comfortable for them. The ignorant, well, that's self explanatory. People who have decades of knowing you as a male will struggle with the switch, and will fall into one of the three camps I just listed.
Deep in your heart, you know who you are. You mustn't let others decide your happiness for you. Your happy place is being a woman. Be there, be you, and be happy. :)
Hugs, Devlyn
Hi Michelle!
I liked Devlyn's comments above and will add a few thoughts of my own...
First, Big Hug!!!... I am so sorry you are feeling the raw pain of these encounters... I know how deep this stuff goes and my heart goes out to you!!!
What you have expressed here is what I consider the 2nd crisis we encounter in our transitions... This crisis is common, yet, it is not discussed that much around here... I think doing so is hugely important because, this crisis is often not completely anticipated and can hit even harder than the factors that drove us to transition in the first place...
I believe that most of us go into transition, not completely knowing what awaits us on the other side of the door we are about to walk through... We do however have hopes... To some degree or another we hope we will be accepted as women across the board if we put in all the work of transition... The hormones, the surgery, the hair removal, the voice training and on and on... Sadly, across the board acceptance relies on others who have no investment in us or our mental well being. This makes those we encounter a constant possible source of disappointment, stress and pain...
I believe this hurdle, the 2nd crisis of transition, must be cleared through our own perspective... We cannot change the perspective of all those we will ever encounter and trying to do so would be a lifelong losing game... passing as a cis woman to 100% of the people... 100% of the time is a high bar to hit... even with all the things we put ourself through to get there
My current mindset took me a while and much painful reflection to arrive at but, it has carried me far...
If people I encounter see me as a cis woman... that is fine but, I would never lie to convince them that I was cis... (I lived lies long enough)
If people I encounter see me as a transwoman... that is fine... that is my truth!
If people I encounter see me as a pathetic, surgically mutilated, middle age man in women's clothes... that is okay too... That may very well be their truth, as they see it, based on their unique experiences and beliefs and I am not looking to them for my sense of self... Perhaps on their list of priorities in life... learning the intricacies of communication with trans women is pretty far down on their list... In the end, it is their life and theirs to prioritize in the manner they choose... Whether or not that choice serves the ideals of simple respect and civility, as we see them...
My way of working through transitions 2nd crisis may not be what is right for everyone but, for me... this perspective has offered me freedom to move forward and claim life...as I said, it is an important discussion to have here because I think it is something we all face to some degree or another... and we don't always see this freight train coming...
I wish you nothing but good things Michelle as you continue to make sense of all the challenges we face along our path... I am greatly honored to call you my sister in this journey of life...
Onward we go brave sister...
Hugs!
Ashley 💕🌻
Michelle,
What a thoughtful post that most of us can identify with in some way. I was surprised yesterday when I was correctly gendered in the supermarket when in reality, my jeans, t-shirt, hair in a bun, no makeup and non-descript boots were not an effort to present as very feminine. Then sometimes I'm surprised by being misgendered when obviously, I have both the curvy figure that I do not hide, and I'm pretty actively presenting as feminine with all the other stuff.
I never thought the whole issue of passing/anonymity would bother me, but more than anything I just find it tiring and so it does bother me. The people that intentionally misgender you are of course the worst. A variety of issues drive their stupidity.
The fact that I have to jump dressing/presentation hoops to not get unintentionally misgendered bothers me a bit more. There are so many days in which I don't feel like it and they seem to be increasing lately. I would not have actually cared if I was misgendered by the 60 yr old+ supermarket lady, but she saw my queues and said the right thing.
While in a phone store with my girlfriend recently the sales associate called me "they and them" at the front desk. This misgendering actually made me happy because she had taken a real effort to look at me and opted for something in the middle (as it were). I thanked her for it and she seemed pleased and said " i really try and respect that in people"
All of this comes at a time when I am increasingly despondent about life and the choices I've made. Love alone, money alone can't solve it for me. I try to focus on the fact that I am a person first and foremost and do the best I can to be a loving person, come what may. I can't control nor would I want to control, those around me.
So even though I am different from you and your outlook on life, I feel your pain and exasperation at times.
Sorry Michelle. Don't let them ruin your day. Your a beautiful and caring person, don't let them bring you down. There's no reason to run, but if they upset you that much perhaps they should move to the acquaintance zone to make room in your life for better friends that bring out only the best in you. Big hug!
Quote from: Michelle_P on September 25, 2018, 09:51:08 PM
Dear cisgender people...
As a cisgender person, I see this essay as doing more harm than good for the transsexual cause. Please indicate if it is indeed targeted for a cisgender audience. If so, I will provide my input.
Quote from: Virginia on September 26, 2018, 03:06:10 PM
As a cisgender person, I see this essay as doing more harm than good for the transsexual cause. Please indicate if it is indeed targeted for a cisgender audience. If so, I will provide my input.
As a cisgender person, I would love to hear why you think this does harm to the "transsexual cause." I feel like Michelle was just sharing her feelings and how certain situations can be very hurtful. I don't see how that can be harmful.
Quote from: Virginia on September 26, 2018, 03:06:10 PM
As a cisgender person, I see this essay as doing more harm than good for the transsexual cause. Please indicate if it is indeed targeted for a cisgender audience. If so, I will provide my input.
Fascinating. I'm sure you did not intend it as such, and the use of this phrase is purely accidental, but... Folks should be aware that
transsexual cause is an interesting phrase used almost exclusively by certain ideological factions opposed to things like equal civil rights for transgender persons, and who beleive terms like 'gender identity' are toxic.
The letter is aimed at cisgender persons, obviously.
Quote from: LJH24 on September 26, 2018, 06:35:38 PM
As a cisgender person, I would love to hear why you think this does harm to the "transsexual cause." I feel like Michelle was just sharing her feelings and how certain situations can be very hurtful. I don't see how that can be harmful.
Because of the way the message was presented. It comes across as bitter and caustic.
Quote from: Michelle_P on September 26, 2018, 08:59:25 PM
The letter is aimed at cisgender persons, obviously.
"Aimed at" for artistic purposes to a transgender audience, yes.
Given the tone, level of sarcasm, and use of phrases that have no meaning outside of transgender circles, it was far from obvious that cisgender people were the target "audience" for the essay. You aren't going to reach us with your message this way.
It is AIMED at cisgender persons who start misgendering me once they learn that I am a transgender person.
The reading audience is transgender persons and allies.
The bitterness is distilled from the heartache and pain I suffer at the hands of those who casually dismiss my existence, with a dash of fear added from those who seek to remove us from life for making them slightly uncomfortable.
Educating cisgender persons whose belief systems declare trans women to be "dudes in dresses" is an exercise in futility. Challenging a belief system only makes the holder dig in deeper.
I've done lots of training and lectures, and the voluntary audiences are almost entirely composed of trans people and allies. At church, for example, none of the misgendering repeat offenders have ever shown up for training or informational presentations.
I do not expect to "reach" anyone who objects to our existing or believes being transgender is a mental illness. Ideological beliefs are deeply held and rarely argued away.
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Quote from: Michelle_P on September 27, 2018, 03:34:43 PM
It is AIMED at cisgender persons who start misgendering me once they learn that I am a transgender person.
Oh, you will be preaching to the choir; in that case I wouldn't foresee the audience being offended by the condescending attitude of the essay. It would be appropriate to make it clear in the title that the essay is addressing cisgender persons who start misgendering a person once they learn that they are a transgender person, NOT the general cisgender public. I'm sure you did not intend it as such, and the use of this phrase is purely accidental, but...I am a transgender friendly cisgender guy and was quite offended by the article when I thought it was "aimed" at me.
Apart from you note above, I have never seen mention of any negative connotation to the phrase "transsexual agenda." Would you mind providing references and the names of the unnamed "certain ideological factions opposed to things like equal civil rights for transgender persons, and who believe terms like 'gender identity' are toxic? who allegedly use the term almost exclusively. It seems like a term of general use to me...
Quote from: Virginia on September 27, 2018, 05:20:52 PM
Oh, you will be preaching to the choir; in that case I wouldn't foresee the audience being offended by the condescending attitude of the essay. It would be appropriate to make it clear in the title that the essay is addressing cisgender persons who start misgendering a person once they learn that they are a transgender person, NOT the general cisgender public. I'm sure you did not intend it as such, and the use of this phrase is purely accidental, but...I am a transgender friendly cisgender guy and was quite offended by the article when I thought it was "aimed" at me.
You are free to interpret my posts in any way that you like.
You are entitled to your own beliefs and opinions. You are not entitled to your own facts.
Bear this in mind.
Quote
Thank you for the "tip" about the phrase "transsexual agenda." Would you mind providing references and the names of the certain ideological factions opposed to things like equal civil rights for transgender persons, and who believe terms like 'gender identity' are toxic?" It seems like a term of general use to me...
Promotion, including naming in many cases. of web sites, organizations, and individuals responsible for hate speech and/or anti-transgender propaganda is a possible violation of the Terms of Service. I won't be doing this.
Google if you need to see the term in use.
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:police: Thread locked because it is becoming confrontational and not likely to be of further benefit. :police: