Hello. I haven't posted here in bout a year. I posted on the crossdressing board as Ania for a bit and followed this site for a bit too. Then I quit it for a while. I was close to locked in on transitioning six months ago, but I kind of got scared and pushed it aside in my life again. I just didn't know and didn't want to make a mistake. I feel like I'm a pretty happy person, and I could live my life without transitioning.
Sorry for all the intro though because I did title this post about dreams. Almost every single one of my dreams I turn into a woman somehow. I turn into a woman and it is usually some kind of half lucid thing where I am able to will myself into being a woman and I do. It is usually part by part becoming a woman, having to mold my breasts into existence and change my face and things. Occasionally it is a good dream where it works out well, sometimes it is a bad dream where people I know find out and mock me or where no matter how much I try I look deformed and horrible. I wish I kept a dream journal so I could give better descriptions and knew more how often.
Does anyone else experience this. It shakes me a little to be constantly having these dreams no matter how much I move past transitioning, an makes me feel like I made a mistake. With my recent birthday I am especially sensitive I guess because I know I'm not getting any younger. I've had these dreams for a long time as well, since before I considered transitioning or being trans or crossdressing or anything. I don't know whether I am giving them too much importance now or if I should be paying them more attention.
Sorry for rambling,
Ania
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@ania2Dear Ania2:Thank you for coming back to the Susan's Place Forums
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@ania2 OH and another thing Ania2
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Quote from: ania2 on September 29, 2018, 03:11:56 PM
Does anyone else experience this? It shakes me a little to be constantly having these dreams no matter how much I move past transitioning and makes me feel like I made a mistake.
Hello Ania and Welcome! It's called Crossdreaming, there's an entire forum dedicated to it (Life) you are certainly not alone. I've been HRT transitioning on/off for the past 40 years but still am presenting as "male-fail". Seems the older one gets the more your given a "pass", anything you do "present as" is simply accepted and excused.
My dreams have been mostly about past work experiences suppose as one learns to act upon CD/TS fantasies the more normalized our dreams become? Jack Molay has lots of thoughts on this subject have you seen the new Dr. Who episodes (//https:///r/crossdreaming/comments/9k5aml/doctor_who_is_adapting_to_her_new_life_as_a_woman/)?
lol touche' Are
YOU a woman who just doesn't know it yet?
Dreams about becoming a woman, sexual fantasies about becoming a woman, Gender Dysphoria and the need to dress as a woman, dysphoria about their male body and genitals, extreme guilt related to masturbation and sexual confusion are all common in cisgender men who experienced sexual abuse as children. One in Six men are sexually abused before the age of 18; it is a much more likely cause of these symptoms than trangenderism which only affects 0.6% of the entire population. There is an excellent discussion group on the Male Survivor website if you would like to read about other men's experiences: http://www.discussion.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=cfrm
My need to express myself as a woman is because of Dissociative Identity Disorder/Multiple Personality Disorder (DID/MPD). My mind created a 13 year old girl to cope with the abuse I experienced as child. DID is also more common than ->-bleeped-<- affecting 1% to 3% of the population.*
It is EXTREMELY difficult to determine the underlying cause of these symptoms. It took three years of therapy for my psychologists to correctly diagnose me with DID. I was completely unawares I had a female alter, let alone remember the horrible things that caused my mind to split into 5 different identities. The mind's ability to protect a person from things too painful to remember is astounding. It can take YEARS of therapy to unravel the complex life a transgender person who was abused as a child.
How I've looked and presented in my dreams has shifted a lot over the years. I'm afab detransitioning woman. Back in my transition when I thought of myself as guy, my dreams always portrayed me as how I looked at that time irl. Meaning when I was pre-hrt but presenting male my dreams showed me as such, when I was on hrt and passing better as male my dreams showed that too, and when I was post-op top surgery my dreams reflected that. They syncronised with reality, pretty much.
They did however, never show any hints of the dysphoria I experienced when awake. Only twice I dreamed of having a cis male body, one of them was a nightmare and portrayed me as an adolescent rapist. I often get nightmares especially focused on sexual abuse on both sides of the fence, because of my past traumas, so that's not new or rare for me, but that particular dream was especially abhorent because it seemingly turned my "dream body" into something negative. The other cis male dream I had was just me taking a shower and inspecting my... erhm yeah, dick. It was a better dream but mostly just weird. Like I was fascinated but I didn't relate to that body as my own.
Now in my detransition which began just 3 months ago, my body much remains the same irl still, except that I shave it, but my dreams show something much different. Now they show me as how I want to look, with breasts again, with a naturally smooth body and looking like a woman also without makeup. They even show me with my hair being long and thick again. And they show me all that in a positive light. I had one such dream quite recently in which I was running around topless and I was making out with several other women who also ran around topless. It was just mildly sexual and very sweet and feel-good, which was a rare kind of dream for me.
That dream reflected both my detransition goals and that I've recently accepted my bisexuality after many years in denial. It reflected me finally starting to come to peace with myself. And it was a rare kind of dream cause I'd say around 90% of all my dreams are nightmarish, dark, filled with heavy negative emotions and various kinds of abuse. I'm used to them now though and handle them well, but that doesn't make them nice.
Previously in my detransition my dreams have mostly portrayed me as a troubled and broken, masculinised woman. As me being perceived as "fake" or not taken seriously by others, and as me being very insecure about my body mot looking or feeling right. And they have also portrayed my discomfort with my flat chest in painful ways. So that shows my dysphoria that I also feel when awake. That my dreams show my now reversed dysphoric feelings but previously did not show my original dysphoric feelings, I take as an important sign to what's brewing under the surface of my mind. Not as proof, but a sign.
I think dreams often show both our subconscious and conscious feelings and mix them together, which can provide rather confusing results. I'm no expert on interpreting dreams in general, but I've become rather good at interpreting my own dreams. Each mind is unique so the meaning behind your dreams is unique to you. Making a dream journal could actually be helpful for you to understand them better. That worked great for me in the past. But I'd say that your dreams do likely reflect some suppressed feelings and them showing you as a woman so much probably means it's an important message that your mind is trying to tell you. But exactly what that message is, I can't tell you.
It also sounds a bit like your dreams are lucid dreams? Meaning you can control what happens in them. If that's so, you're probably subconsciously expressing an emotional need in them. When I've been lucid dreaming I do things in the dreams that I may not have wanted to do when awake. Like for example I may choose to run away from a difficult situation while dreaming, but irl I would have prefered to stick around and sort it out instead.
Okay this became long but, dreams are kinda complicated, and I don't think they should be taken as literal. Usually dreams are more metaphoric or figurative in what they portray. It could be a sign you want to transition and live fulltime as a woman, but it could also mean something else. Like it could be seeing being a woman as an escape/coping mechanism, or as a metaphorical way to break free from something in your life, to show some in general feminine aspects of you, or expressing your feelings in some other way.
I often have dreams where I am chased and locked up. I guess it was because I was in psych ward for 6 months. Loss of control. I can be stuck with one leg in a chain or in a cage. Trying to escape.
But I have not been dreaming about my gender in any specific way. I am myself in my dreams. I'm a guy. And I look in my dreams like I see myself inside my head. A guy.
Tony
Ania. I had those dreams since I was a teen. It was crazy. It was always a pill or someone would drug me. When I was sick I dreamed of dying on the table and being reincarnated as a woman. This went on to my fifties. I also prayed alot. Actually real life has been much better than dreams lately.
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