I'm not sure where I should have posted this but I tried posting this on ->-bleeped-<- and tried looking for advice but I got the usual "you're so lucky to have a vagina" bull->-bleeped-<- from trans women and it only made me feel much worse.
A couple days ago it was my 18th birthday and I got the usual "you're growing up so fast you're going to become a mother soon and have grandchildren" bull->-bleeped-<- from my grandparents and parents.
I cried for hours on my birthday.
I didn't celebrate it and I didn't want anyone celebrating it.
It's the day a mistake was born.
But lately i've been having graphic and sexual nightmares about my genitals and it's gotten worse over the past years.
It all started when I was in middle, probably 6th-7th grade before I even began puberty.
It got worse in 8th after hitting puberty and I've been homeschooled after that.
I've been homeschooled for 4 years and I began to oversleep a lot.
I wouldn't dream but after a while I began having nightmares again.
Most of them I would be getting fingered, raped, sexually assaulted, or i'd get murdered.
Last week I had this one dream where I was in a bath tub and I looked down and saw my legs spread open and there was my vagina wide open with shark teeth on the inner walls of the vagina.
It tried eating my hand and it felt like I was being raped.
I was crying in tears, screaming, and moaning.
I couldn't do jack ->-bleeped-<- about it since I couldn't get away from it. It really felt like I was trapped in a body that I didn't want that was trying to kill me.
I really want the sex reassignment surgery, I want to remove my vagina. It all seems impossible for me now though.
Since I need a ton of money and I end up getting jealous that I have to pay so much and put my education on the line while cis men have penises, can attend college, etc. I've had a trans friend who has a brother and he has the chance to go to college but he's being lazy and blowing it.
I just wish I had a penis without wasting money so I could go to college.
Since I've been homeschooled I did want to transition before entering college since I missed out on high school and I wouldn't want to miss out on college but it seems like a painful road to enter.
Working at minimum wage, with only high school education, and no insurance while trying to transition and change everything about my body and i'm sure by the end of my transitioning goal I would be broke and I wouldn't be able to attend college.
It seems really hard for me since I always struggled following through my goals and accomplishing anything since depression and dysphoria always prevented me from doing the things I wanted.
My abusive, narcissistic, and religious parents prevent me from working so the only way is to move out and live on my own.
I couldn't even finish my own school work on time so I don't know how i'm supposed to go out in the real world with my weak personality and ->-bleeped-<-ty habits and end up working with a body like this.
I'm always feeling tired, weak, fragile, sick, and depressed.
I don't want to continue on with this life anymore.
I know it's difficult for you and unfortunately I can't promise you a quick easy fix but there is a great future out there for you. As this is the most important thing in your life you need to decide to put all the effort you can toward your future. This will require the best education you can get and saving every penny not needed for living expenses. For now you should see if it's possible for you to see a therapist or a consoler. It may not help with the transition but it might help you cope with the depression your feeling.
Others have faced the same difficulty and have managed to find happiness and while it may not look possible now, I am sure you can do it.
I am probably not going to be the best person to help you find a way of dealing with your dysphoria but I am sure there has to be some ftm people here who can help you with that.
What I can offer you is a sympathetic ear who is not going to make any judgement, but allow you to vent your worries and concerns. There are people in this world who care about you.
In terms of practical advice for now... set yourself the goal of gender reassignment. Think what do you need to achieve that? How long will it take you to get there? These things will never happen over night. It will take time, you will have to climb a mountain of self-doubt and fear to reach the top. But very few people sprint up mountains... start planning your route and working out what you need to achieve a successful climb.
Going to college will get you a better job, give you more money to put towards paying for what you need to get to the top of your mountain. Eventually you will reach the top, but there is no elevator, you've got to struggle and put in the effort to get there. But start with having that goal, and setting yourself some realistic targets for achieving what you want.
PM me if you just need to chat but hopefully someone who is better qualified than me (aka ftm) will be able to help you get through this. But know that you are not alone in the world and there are people who you have yet to meet who care about you and will help you get through this. Keep the forum open in your browser, read through other people's posts, and it will help you feel less alone in the world.
Dena is correct. Get the best education you can. Make it a goal of either saving towards your transition, or getting a job with great health insurance so you can transition. Get away from your parents' control (move out) as soon as you can afford to, even if its to move into a dorm room. Many colleges and universities are LGTB+ friendly, maybe you can find councelling there.
Did I mention councelling? We all need it, even if it is to help us sort through our feelings in order to figure ourselves out better. Gender therapy is a wonderful way to have someone there to listen to us when we need to vent, cry, figure things out, give advice, and even validate that our feelings are real and legit.
No one chooses to be trans, its simply who we are born as. You are not alone. If you need to vent, need advice, need help understanding something or even want to crow about something wonderful that has happened to you, we are all here for you, bro. Feel free to say whatever you need to. You're not alone. We're here for each other.
Ryuichi
Sent from my SM-G930P using Tapatalk
UUUGGGGH I GOT RAPED IN ANOTHER <profanity removed by moderator> NIGHTMARE
I CAN'T EVEN ENJOY MY SLEEP
Hello. I was referred to you over one of my posts. I know what you're going through. I have vicious nightmares as well. I cant provide much more than a listening ear but if you ever need someone going through the same thing. Feel free to message me. Im here to listen.
Quote from: OneDayIWillBeMe on September 30, 2018, 12:37:03 PM
Hello. I was referred to you over one of my posts. I know what you're going through. I have vicious nightmares as well. I cant provide much more than a listening ear but if you ever need someone going through the same thing. Feel free to message me. Im here to listen.
do you have discord?
Quote from: PainKiller on September 29, 2018, 06:01:00 PM
i've been having graphic and sexual nightmares about my genitals and it's gotten worse over the past years.
depression and dysphoria always prevented me from doing the things I wanted.
My abusive, narcissistic, and religious parents prevent me from working so the only way is to move out and live on my own.
I'm always feeling tired, weak, fragile, sick, and depressed.
My heart goes out to you, PainKiller. Nightmares like you are experiencing are deeply rooted in our childhood experiences and the way we were raised. I don't know whether you were sexually abused. but it's the first thought that comes to my mind reading your post. This would be an excellent topic for therapy.
Love, Virginia