Sometimes I feel that my life is a series of trapeze swings. I'm either hanging on to a trapeze bar swinging along or, for a few moments in my life, I'm hurtling across space in between trapeze bars. Most of the time, I spend my life hanging on for dear life to my trapeze-bar-of-the-moment. It carries me along at a certain steady rate of swing and I have the feeling that I'm in control of my life.
I know most of the right questions and even some of the answers.
But every once in a while as I'm merrily (or even not-so-merrily) swinging along, I look out ahead of me into the distance and what do I see? I see another trapeze bar swinging toward me. It's empty and I know, in that place in me that knows, that this new trapeze bar has my name on it. It is my next step, my growth, my aliveness coming to get me. In my heart of hearts I know that, for me to grow, I must release my grip on this present, well-known bar and move to the new one.
Each time it happens to me I hope (no, I pray) that I won't have to let go of my old bar completely before I grab the new one. But in my knowing place, I know that I must totally release my grasp on my old bar and, for some moment in time, I must hurtle across space before I can grab onto the new bar.
Each time, I am filled with terror. It doesn't matter that in all my previous hurtles across the void of unknowing I have always made it. I am each time afraid that I will miss, that I will be crushed on unseen rocks in the bottomless chasm between bars. I do it anyway. Perhaps this is the essence of what the mystics call the faith experience. No guarantees, no net, no insurance policy, but you do it anyway because somehow to keep hanging on to that old bar is no longer on the list of alternatives. So, for an eternity that can last a microsecond or a thousand lifetimes, I soar across the dark void of "the past is gone, the future is not yet here."
It's called "transition." I have come to believe that this transition is the only place that real change occurs. I mean real change, not the pseudo-change that only lasts until the next time my old buttons get punched.
I have noticed that, in our culture, this transition zone is looked upon as a "nothing," a noplace between places. Sure, the old trapeze bar was real, and that new one coming toward me, I hope that's real, too. But the void in between? Is that just a scary, confusing, disorienting nowhere that must be gotten through as fast and as unconsciously as possible?
NO! What a wasted opportunity that would be. I have a sneaking suspicion that the transition zone is the only real thing and the bars are illusions we dream up to avoid the void where the real change, the real growth, occurs for us. Whether or not my hunch is true, it remains that the transition zones in our lives are incredibly rich places. They should be honored, even savored. Yes, with all the pain and fear and feelings of being out of control that can (but not necessarily) accompany transitions, they are still the most alive, most growth-filled, passionate, expansive moments in our lives.
We cannot discover new oceans unless we have the courage to lose sight of the shore.
So, transformation of fear may have nothing to do with making fear go away, but rather with giving ourselves permission to "hang out" in the transition between trapezes. Transforming our need to grab that new bar, any bar, is allowing ourselves to dwell in the only place where change really happens. It can be terrifying. It can also be enlightening in the true sense of the word. Hurtling through the void, we just may learn how to fly.
Hi Melissa,
I liked your analogy of the trapeze to explain your concept of transitioning through life. I can see the visuals of the terror of the unknown, the reluctance to let go, and the blind faith required to soar to that next bar and the new safety it affords. But the will to take that leap of faith has to come from somewhere inside. To do so takes confidence in what you are doing. knowledge of what you want. And courage to let go in order to make that leap plus the faith the bar will be there. It is a good process to follow in getting where you want to go.
But sometimes you get surprise help you were not expecting. It can come from taking a tentative step thinking there is still time to change your mind only to discover you really didn't and that half step becomes a full finished step unexpectedly. It's happened to me when I turned in my name change paperwork and paid the fees. I was expecting to get a court date only to receive my signed certified copies of the completed paperwork decreeing my name to now be Laurie. My time to change my mind was an illusion but it was done and I had to get used to it. You might say I had a nudge by the judge. I had to make the best of it and look forward to the next step.
My decision to go for GCS was another unexpected help in making a decision for GCS. I was talking with a Kaiser doctor on my first visit with the gender pathways clinic. She asked what services and I answered among other things, a minimum of an orchi but if I was going to let someone work down there I would probably want the works. She wrote down full GCS and I was okay with that. As easy as that my decision to work towards GCS was made.
Sometime I am nt sure i know what I want and i just kind of go with the flow of things. I know in my heart there is no turning back so I continue to step forward. Many times I think I can always change my mind but inside I know I won't. All my bridges are burning behind me and yes I have my sorrows and regrets for them, but that is all water under those bridges abd there is not return. I am a woman in transition and transition I will. I have no other options.
Hugs,
Laurie
@MellisaAnn
Dear Mellisa:
You wrote an excellent description of how it is to venture on our transition journeys.
Your trapeze is much like "my" tightrope life journey with my transition.... same kinds of careful and risky maneuvers but instead of going from swing to swing waiting for the right timing, I am placing one foot in front of the other while trying to keep (my life) balanced so I don't end up in an unhappy place.
All the same ideas for sure.
Again, thank you for your thought provoking posting.
Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle
Dear MelissaAnn,
How wonderful! How insightful!
And not just limited to transition, what you have written is true to life itself.
Trying to accomplish change. How frightening! How exhilarating!
Carolina